Controlling people are all around. And controlling behavior in marriage seems so common. Some spouses admit that they are controlling, but some spouses may have not recognized the controlling behavior of their own. In the long run, controlling behavior can erode the connection between spouses if unchecked; specifically, a spouse’s controlling behavior undermines the thoughts and judgment of the other one while elevating his/her own actions and thoughts; and it impinges on the other one’s freedom… Issues about controlling behavior should be taken seriously, and the explanation below may help you gain a more in-depth understanding of controlling behavior in marriage:
A controlling spouse is usually lack of a sense of self:
A healthy marriage requires a strong connection. It doesn’t mean couples need to spend every moment together, but they should have a sustainable connection that can keep boundaries in place. And a healthy marriage also requires two sides to have a strong sense of self; surely, it doesn’t mean a big or overwhelming personality, and that is often a symptom of a severe lack of self – by projecting something bigger onto someone else, many people with big/overwhelming personality just try to look as if they have a good sense of self.
A good sense of self should be an awareness of the self; in a healthy marriage, couples should be aware of how they are acting, feeling, thinking in the relationship, they should have a sense of developing, growing, and becoming more and more themselves. When a spouse thinks that he/she no longer has room to grow in his/her marriage, the marriage hits a rough patch. No doubt, the nature of married life is to keep growing and developing, and a spouse should constantly work on finding places of their growth. And a spouse with a good sense of self knows well this fact, and he/she spontaneously pushes himself/herself to change himself/herself as the relationship develops.
A spouse with a good sense of self also has a clear sense of direction – he/she is alive to where he/she is headed in his/her married life. In other words, he/she always works hard to prevent the long-term relationship from growing stagnant. But for a controlling spouse, he/she is lack of a sense of self in his/her married life, and the relationship gets into a boring and stagnant routine over time; surely, he/she is unsatisfied with the relationship status, and he/she feels that the connection with his/her spouse is still not strong enough. Although he/she wants to sustain the relationship for long, he/she does not examine himself/herself adequately and does not try hard to change his/her self-concept, and instead, he/she just feels the need to control his/her partner.
Controlling behavior is about fear or shame:
A controlling spouse often assumes he/she can not get what he/she wants without being manipulative; on a deep level, controlling behavior is always about fear or shame; that is something a spouse brings from the original family where he/she grew up; shame-based families create the environment where a person either controls other family members or allows other family members to control him/her.
Controlling behavior is about having something “my way” and micromanaging details. And when a controlling spouse is trying to micromanage something that the other spouse gets involved with, most likely he/she is nullifying his/her spouse; controlling behavior in marriage is based on the biased belief – “I know well what is right but my partner does not. This thing will not go well if I don’t intervene.” In a marriage, a controlling spouse does believe that he/she does much better than the other one – he/she not only thinks he/she should be the one who is in charge but also truly believes that he/she has the necessary direction and answer. And this can lead to a disregard for the other spouse.
Controlling behavior is learned behavior:
Like a lot of personality traits, the controlling trait can be passed down from one generation to another. Therefore, a person’s controlling behavior can be a type of learned behavior that comes from his/her original family where there is blame, reactivity, and perfectionism; probably since childhood, a thought may have been deeply rooted in his/her mind – “I have to do things perfectly, otherwise I will be rejected/blamed”. In a controlling person’s view, any shortcomings are not merely mistakes but bring him/her a personal sense of failure, guilt, and shame.
A controlling spouse is often emotionally reactive:
And generally, controlling behavior is associated with strong emotional reactivity. For example, a controlling spouse may get angry, upset, or have other emotional reactions while trying to control the other one. When a controlling spouse feels that he/she has missed the mark, he/she feels blamed and pressured; and sometimes, this can also be internalized – a controlling spouse may act self-assured when he/she messes things up, but underneath he/she is still very afraid of what other people are thinking about him/her.
A controlling spouse has either misunderstood his/her sense of boundaries or lost them:
First, it is necessary to talk about the difference between boundaries and standards. A boundary is what we don’t want to let happen to us. A standard is what we expect of ourselves. A standard is something that we can own and keep all the time but can not give to other people. Surely, we can try to clarify our standards so that other people can try to learn some of them, but we can hardly impose our own standards on anyone else. For example, we may adhere to a standard that we will be always honest with others; and whether we do that or not has nothing to do with other people. That is just your standard, but it is impossible to ask other people to be always honest with you. And by contrast, we can have a boundary that if someone lies to us, we can choose to pull away from him/her.
A boundary is like a fence in our backyards. It is quite legitimate for us to have a normal-sized fence that marks our space; once someone crosses the fence, we can walk outside and remind him/her that he/she has stepped into our territory. Setting up a fence line doesn’t mean we have to keep people out all the time; many times, it just reminds people to find our yard gates and walk through them for meeting us.
As explained above, boundaries are about what we allow people to do towards us. It does not mean how they act generally but how they can move towards us. And in married life, sometimes a spouse crosses the other one’s “fence” unintentionally; and when a spouse feels that the other one is aggressively moving towards or moving against him/her, the spouse may keep the other one at a distance to protect his/her boundaries, but at the same time, the other spouse may try to interact in controlling ways; the example below may make this point clear:
James suddenly walked away during a conversation with his wife Linda. And then she tried to drag him and asked him to talk some more to her, but he just got rid of her and shut down the conversation without considering Linda’s feelings.
In the situation above, probably when Linda forced James to talk, she had already become a little too controlling without realizing it. But from an objective point of view, everyone should have the right to avoid or have a conversation anytime. So James should have his right to move away from Linda when she was getting on his nerves. And it would also be counterproductive to continue the conversation that one side does not want to engage in. And even it could escalate to an angry discussion or argument if Linda went on to try to force James to talk at the moment. Instead, Linda might follow-up with James a bit later, saying in a neutral tone: ”I want to take some minutes of your time to end the last conversation.” In doing so, it could be perceived as a sincere invitation to continue the conversation by giving him some time to sort out his feelings and cool off.
And let’s go on to discuss the situation above from another angle. If James always walked away or refused to talk whenever Linda talked about sensitive issues, especially if he has had repeated such a pattern for months or even years, that should also be viewed as a subtle form of controlling behavior in marriage – he tried to control the unhealthy relationship by evading problems or covering up conflicts.
Controlling behavior comes in a variety of shades and types, and it is hard to use several examples to cover its spectrum.
However, controlling spouses have something in common; and the following highlights some common areas where controlling behavior arises:
- Money:
A controlling spouse wants to make almost all the financial decisions (e.g. how to spend the money, how to invest the money, and how to pay the bills); for a controlling spouse, money is a means of control; and control around money issues roots from the fear about money, maybe it is worrying about not having enough money, or it is a deep mistrust of the other spouse’s ability to manage money; but whatever the cause is, it is rooted in fear.
- Sex:
In a marriage, controlling behavior often shows itself around issues of sex, such as how to have sex, when to have sex, and when not to have sex. For a controlling spouse, he/she may use sex as a reward for his/her spouse’s “good behavior”, or use it as a punishment for his/her spouse’s “bad behavior”. In other words, when a controlling spouse thinks that things don’t go the way he/she likes, he/she will not want to have sex with his/her spouse.
Notice that money and sex are two primary places in which couples develop a sense of “WE” or get stuck in an unhealthy pattern of playing selfishly. In other words, controlling behavior is often found in those areas where couples should particularly work together as a team. Furthermore, if you have children in your marriage, probably parenting is another typical aspect where controlling behavior manifests.
- Parenting (for couples who have children):
Controlling behavior also typically takes place around parenting issues; a controlling spouse deems his/her way of parenting as the right way and that the other one does it wrongly or improperly. As we all know, couples should partner together as one unity when it comes to parenting children; and in fact, the controlling behavior undermines the parenting of both sides, but particularly the parent whose way of parenting is thought to be “incorrect”.
By the way, controlling behavior can arise when couples have to deal with other household duties – a controlling spouse always tries to convince the other one that he/she knows the right way of carrying out those duties of the household, and this often leaves the other one as having the “incorrect” way.
The final word:
A controlling spouse wants to feel less fearful and more secure in a marriage, so he/she tries to control anything that can make him/her anxious or fearful. And more often than not, controlling behavior in marriage is unwittingly reinforced. When this behavior is reinforced, it feels like anxiety and fear are necessary and real.
The married life is indeed full of uncertainty, and sometimes we inevitably feel fearful when confronting uncertainty. Anyway, we have to be aware of one thing – when we do not work hard to monitor our and our spouses’ boundaries and develop a good sense of self, fear tends to fuel behavior that will be counter-productive to the stability of our relationships.
Whether you feel like you are being controlled or a controller in your marriage, you should be clear about two aspects: what you expect of yourself in your marriage and what you do not want your spouse to do towards you. An enhanced sense of self can greatly reduce the likelihood of reacting around those issues of control.
If you want to learn more about common bad habits that ruin a marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Controlling behavior causes – How to stop being controlling in your marriage.
How to resolve power struggle in marriage – How to move forward.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – toxic relationship patterns.
How to have a long lasting happy marriage – Marriage-saving tips.