An emotional affair is a dangerous game for a marital relationship. It is difficult to define an emotional affair because of the existence of the gray area of connection. A physical affair can be more easily defined and prevented because couples can set clear physical boundaries, but not so with emotional infidelity; more often than not, the emotionally unfaithful spouse can pretend to be innocent and then he/she can continue to proclaim that there is nothing wrong with the marriage.

Yet emotional affairs do threaten marital relationships. They suck the limited emotional resources that a couple should have had, leaving the relationship floundering with disconnection or reduced connection. The emotional pain for the victim can be as strong as if a physical affair happens to the relationship. Sadly, this painful feeling is often outside the range of understanding of an emotionally unfaithful spouse. Hence, the majority of emotionally unfaithful spouses get accustomed to arguing, justifying, and refusing to acknowledge their emotional betrayal; not until the truth becomes overwhelmingly evident and things fall apart, do they have to admit that they erred. 

If you feel that the intimate bond begins to deteriorate due to your spouse’s emotional affair, I bet you are struggling with how to go ahead with the marriage.

how to deal with a spouse's emotional affair

Here are 4 basic tips on how to deal with a spouse’s emotional affair:

(1) Look at the emotional affair in context:

An emotional affair doesn’t happen without a reason. If your spouse is looking outside the marriage to get his/her emotional needs met, a primary reason is that his/her needs are not fully fulfilled within your relationship. Therefore, you also need some alone time to think about what went on in your marriage before the beginning of his/her emotional affair.

It is painful for you to directly ask your spouse why he/she engaged in an emotional affair; to reduce the painful feelings, before asking your spouse the hard question, you might try to contemplate what your spouse may answer. Besides that, you should be aware that your spouse may still attempt to hide his/her real intentions when he/she confronts this question; therefore, no matter what he/she will answer, first of all, you had better have your judgment.

Compared with the reasons behind physical affairs, the ones behind emotional affairs are much complicated. Initially, most spouses don’t have the intention of getting involved in emotional affairs; in general, emotional affairs happen in context. For instance, after a couple has a baby, a spouse’s attention is bound to be diverted by the baby, and the other spouse may feel sort of isolated and excluded in the relationship but he/she does not timely share those feelings with his/her partner; over time, the spouse tends to be driven to seek an emotional affair to meet the emotional needs that get stronger and stronger.

(2) Share your feelings with your spouse without blame or judgment:

This is easier said than done, especially when you have strong negative feelings about his/her emotional affair. But accusation, judgment, and criticism rarely help resolve a relationship problem. So before requesting your spouse, you should learn how to express your feelings and needs to him without blame. And when you take responsibility for your feelings and communicate your painful feelings to your spouse without any judgment involved, he/she is more willing to hear you in a non-defensive way.

Again when your spouse has an emotional affair, it is important to express vulnerable feelings without judgment; in doing so, you are more likely to reach effective agreements with your spouse eventually;

And to help you better communicate your feelings, here is a simple communication model that you might follow:

  • Observation:

Observe what you heard your spouse and what you saw he/she do, just like a video camera that is recording the action; we all know, a video camera is simply recording and has no blame and judgment. So, your statements may begin with “When you say….”

  • Feelings:

Express the feelings you experienced under your observation. An example can be, “when you say you don’t care about me, I feel misunderstood and hurt.”

  • Needs:

This refers to the common emotional needs that we have in a relationship. Those needs can be a need for love, understanding, acceptance, peace, harmony, happiness, or collaboration, and so on. So you might make a statement like “When you say you don’t care about me, I feel hurt because I also need understanding and respect.” 

  • Request:

Make a request to your spouse that he/she can easily answer yes or no; so the phrase example can be “Would you want to…”

(3) Express your concern:

When you are trying to understand why your spouse continues his/her emotional affair, there is a possible problem you should think about – you may always give him/her a safety net. He/she may always assume that you will always be there for him/her whenever he/she falls out of favor. He/she may think that an emotional affair is just an act that goes without consequences. After all, unlike physical affairs, emotional affairs generally occur through feelings or thoughts; and they are less visible, and yet they are more common than physical affairs; therefore, in the mind of a spouse who has an emotional affair, probably he/she does not take it seriously; and hence, he/she has fewer scruples about having an emotional affair than having a physical affair. More often than not, an emotionally unfaithful spouse permits such a thought to console himself/herself; but no doubt, it is dangerous to the marital relationship.

An addict will not consider stopping his/her addiction unless it badly hurts himself/herself. This is also true for an emotionally unfaithful spouse.

Maybe now you are feeling sort of angry; maybe you realize that your spouse not only has lied to you about his/her emotional affair but also has somehow displaced the blame on you; or maybe, he/she has not only devastated your trust but also devastated your self-confidence. If you think so, now it is time to firmly put your foot down and express your concern. In this case, you should make it clear that you would not like to be treated this way. And let him/her understand that if his/her emotional affair continues, it can destroy the marriage as much as a physical affair can; and let him/her know that that you have always felt hurt since you suspected he/she was having an emotional affair.

When expressing your concern, you may keep the points below in mind:

  • Signs of his/her emotional affair that you have noticed.
  • How you are feeling about it (e.g. insecurity, anxiety, and uncomfortableness).
  • What you expect him/her to change.
  • Your request (e.g. discontinuing contact with the suspected emotional affair partner, agreeing to transparency regarding texts and emails sent and received, changing the job if the emotional affair partner is a coworker).
  • What you plan to do if your spouse is not willing to end the suspected affair.

(4) Back off a little:

As a victim of emotional infidelity, you must feel hurt and disappointed. However, rather than fire a series of sharp questions at him/her to put him/her on the spot, it is better to restrain yourself and stay as calm as possible. And you might practice being more confident in yourself, instead of being too needy. So, do not have to force your spouse to make a loyalty pledge or do anything of the sort. Otherwise, he/she will see you as a rather annoying spouse, even though your requests are all reasonable. Leave it up to him/her to decide whether to make a new commitment to you. Understandably, it is a little difficult to stop being needy after you find out your spouse has an emotional affair, but doing so is conducive to the recovery of your relationship.

When trying to practice this tactic, make sure to grasp the two points below:

  • Don’t be too needy:

As a victim of emotional infidelity, you must feel hurt and disappointed. However, rather than fire a series of sharp questions at him/her to put him/her on the spot, it is better to restrain yourself and stay as calm as possible. And you might practice being more confident in yourself, instead of being too needy. So, do not have to force your spouse to make a loyalty pledge or do anything of the sort. Otherwise, he/she will see you as a rather annoying spouse, even though your requests are all reasonable. Leave it up to him/her to decide whether to make a new commitment to you. Understandably, it is a little difficult to stop being needy after your spouse has an emotional affair, but doing so is conducive to the recovery of your relationship.

  • Let his/her emotional euphoria fade on its own:

Believe it or not, generally, a spouse’s emotional euphoria that he/she was experiencing is going to fade in the long run. So you might as well be more patient, don’t excessively interfere with your spouse and allow his/her emotional euphoria to finish its course naturally. Keep in mind that your spouse needs quiet moments and breathing room to think back and reflect on his/her wrongdoings.

In most cases, the emotional euphoria that your spouse is feeling is temporary. When your spouse notices that you are deliberately backing off from him/her after he/she has got caught having an emotional affair, probably he/she starts to seriously think about what he/she exactly wants in a relationship. In general, as an “emotional rush” wears off, the emotionally unfaithful spouse tends to clearly understand that an emotional affair is never what he/she wants in his married life. For the majority of the emotionally unfaithful spouses, they get to know that it is not sustainable to have an emotional affair, and most likely they will experience strong feelings of emptiness after ending an emotional affair; in this situation, they will have a renewed desire to come back to the “real” world.

Through the explanation of the two points above, you must have been aware that backing off is a necessary pathway through emotional infidelity. It is not easy though, because it requires enough self-control and patience, and it takes time to practice.

Surely, your backing off doesn’t mean that you only can be an idle spectator and that you do not need to go on to do anything with your spouse. Again, the premise is that you have already finished what you should do to save your marriage, and then you adopt this tactic to wait until your spouse sees the errors of his/her ways and decides to correct them.

The final word:

When you suspect or find out that your spouse is having an emotional affair, the emotional affair must involve secrecy from your spouse, so it reminds you that probably you have lacked the concern about your spouse for a long time; meanwhile, you might view this time as an opportunity to develop better self-confidence, self-knowledge, and build a more solid foundation of your marriage.

If you need more valuable advice on how to affair-proof your marriage and make your spouse devoted to you, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:

In this video, I’ll reveal to you how those married couples stay together for tens of years…and still feel that connection, love, and unbreakable desire for each other – 3 key steps to remain happily married.

Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:

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Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.

6 tips on preventing extramarital affairs – Protect your marriage.

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How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.

4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.

How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.

Pay attention to these signs of an emotionally distant wife.