Your husband has told you quite clearly that he wants a divorce; although you feel so upset, you think the marriage is still worth saving, so you don’t want to give up on the marriage at this point. It seems that your husband is so immovable on this issue, and you also start to feel lonely in the relationship because he has become more and more emotionally distant; faced with this suffocating marital crisis, you are at a loss what to do.
Anyway, now is not the time for you to sink into the depths of pain, sadness, and hopelessness.
To help you out in some way, here’re 6 tips about how to save your marriage when he wants out:
(1) Stop chasing:
Pursuing and chasing only serves to further distance your man from you. You can’t deny the woman’s instinct in your body – you want to cling on to a man who is dear and important to you, so you keep coercing and pressuring him, especially when you feel that he is pulling away emotionally. On the flip side, the party who is being chased is inclined to feel an awful sensation of being trapped and hence chooses to escape instinctively.
So if you hope to save the broken marriage, you had better stop chasing him at this critical stage. The more you chase your husband, the more frustrated or angry he is. After he says he wants to end the relationship, his mind is also in turmoil; and hence, he badly needs some space to reflect on himself. In other words, he wants to get rid of unnecessary annoyance by keeping a distance from you.
If you agree with the point above, you will feel the need to stop anything that can be perceived by him as clinging behavior, such as below:
- Frequent emails, texts, phone calls.
- Begging him to reconsider.
- Constantly reminding him of all the good things in the marriage.
- Following him around.
- Frequently initiating conversations with him.
- Spying on him, keeping a close watch on his movements, calls, and work arrangements.
(2) Become the version of you whom he fell in love with:
Probably, there are a lot of your good traits that your husband always appreciates, yet they are temporarily sidelined by the angry and hurtful things that you did to your man. And currently, you should try to exhibit those good traits in front of your man again; it is a good way to defend against the absolute hell that you are suffering the torments of hell. The more you exhibit those traits that he values or loves, the more likely you are to feel accepted/encouraged by him, and therefore the less likely you are to express your bad traits (e.g. angry, scare, anxiousness, and rage) that he gets fed up with.
And when he realizes that you are trying hard to become a better version of yourself for him, he has no reason to antagonize you further; and even your doing so may make him think again about the way he treats you.
Anyway, the last of your freedom is to choose your attitude in any given circumstance. And here are some daily self-improvement tips:
- Remind yourself to be more positive and enthusiastic in your husband’s presence.
- Don’t sit around and wait for your husband to call or text you; you may make a phone call or send text messages to your friends or family members, try to make those conversation feel relaxed and peaceful whether you are willing to talk about your marital problems or not; in particular, make sure not to complain about your husband during those conversations.
- Doing sports is always a good way to strengthen the feelings of optimism anytime. So you might go out to regularly participate in some fitness activities.
- If you were habituated to grilling your husband about his whereabouts, now choose to ask nothing, and just wish him a good time.
In brief, make your husband think that you have decided to improve yourself and that you will try to embrace a better life whether he wants out or not.
(3) Don’t attempt to feign innocence:
When your husband wants a divorce and you don’t, it is likely that you will start to typecast yourself as an innocent victim in this relationship, you should be aware this is where your marriage has hit a rough patch; from the point of view of your husband, the current relationship status is closely associated with what you ever did to him, you are not so innocent; in most cases, a relationship crisis should not be the fault of just one party or the other, both parties need to take the responsibility; after all, it takes two to tangle.
And when he realizes that you are trying to play the innocent, probably he is tempted to argue or even fight with you; even though he restrains his anger at this action, he/she tends to pull further away from you. To win your husband back, you should focus on how to reclaim your life by strengthening the connection with him, rather than deepen the contradictions and conflicts between you two.
(4) Seriously assess the relationship:
It is important to figure out how serious your husband is about divorce. For example, did your husband threaten divorce during a heated argument? (Normally, people will say hurtful words in the heat of emotion, and those words are usually not their original intention). On the other hand, in case your husband has moved out and given you divorce papers, that means he is really serious.
A more complicated situation is when your husband delivered mixed messages to you. For example, one day he says “I love you”, but the next day he tells you to think about divorce; one day he threatens to leave you, the next day he happily plays with kids as if nothing important had happened. At the same time, you are also in an emotional roller coast, and you are unsure how to deal with the relationship. Under such a situation, you need to spend more time assessing the relationship.
(5) Understand your husband’s intention:
Before you decide how to respond to divorce-related issues that your husband has raised, try to figure out his intention of doing so. Not only should you be aware of what he is thinking, but also understand what he is feeling, especially when you suspect he is involved with an extramarital affair.
If you sense that your husband consciously avoids certain relationship issues, or if you feel that he suddenly becomes overly sensitive when you are talking about certain issues, it indicates that those issues should be addressed urgently, even though he does not ask you to do so. No one would like to talk about divorce when the relationship is stable, solid and happy. There is no gainsaying the fact that something goes wrong in your marriage and some problems need to be urgently resolved. Although it is hard to resolve a relationship problem when your man is unwilling to work together with you, it is still possible to change yourself to improve the failing relationship.
(6) Ultimately, both sides should work toward a goal:
When a marriage is collapsing, the couple’s mutual plans are usually destroyed. So when you are confused about how to save your marriage when he wants out, think about the necessity of rebuilding the relationship by seeking and establishing mutual goals again. And ask yourself whether you have rarely thought about what were your mutual goals in this relationship and whether you used to consider mutual goals or needs when dealing with a variety of issues in your married life. When a man often feels discarded by his woman, the idea of quitting the relationship starts to come to his mind.
In short, anytime, married couples need to have some mutual goals that they can work hard together to move forward. Having mutual goals is the motivation of keeping love and commitment alive. So, try to talk with him about those meaningful goals that you can work together to achieve; remember, don’t discuss unrealistic goals, just focus on those attainable goals.
What should you do when your husband insists on a divorce:
While you don’t agree to divorce, but if you can never change his mind and even he becomes more determined than before, what should you do? A piece of advice: let it go. After all, you can’t force him to love you.
Surely, letting go is not nearly as simple as it sounds. It’s painful and it will last for a period of time. But after the pain is healed, you can start your life all over again.
The final word:
When you are in the marriage that you want to save but he is ready to quit, you may take comfort from the fact – a huge number of couples have to go through this type of test, and ultimately, most of those marriages can go from unhappiness to happiness with continuous effort. So you should try your best to save your marriage; whatever the result may be, at least, you can benefit a lot from the whole process, especially in self-improvement.
Surely, there are many ways to maintain or fix the marriage, especially if you are both willing to do it. For example, you may seek marriage counseling, you two can take a vacation, you can attend weekend retreats together, or you can talk with a religious leader (if you are a devout religious believer). Maybe, you may have also started to consider a trial separation; but be cautious! Strictly speaking, a trial separation should not be counted as a way to work on your marriage, because married couples living apart are more likely to grow accustomed to a post-divorce lifestyle. Therefore, to increase the chances of surviving in the marriage, make a point of developing teamwork in marriage.
If you want to seek more valuable tips about how to save your marriage when he wants out, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to get your separated husband back – Prevent divorce.
The 5 most important emotional needs of a man – Meet his needs.
What should you do when your husband says he hates you.
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – Survive the separation.
How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.