If a once-satisfying sex life becomes non-existent or infrequent, almost certainly, other aspects of marriage will become affected. And it is undeniable that one or both spouses in a sexless marriage are more prone to have the intention of having an affair, especially among young and middle-aged couples. Now a sexless marriage is classified as irreconcilable differences that can be cited as grounds for divorce. That is why you have to take this sexual issue seriously.
The following are 10 tips on how to survive a sexless marriage:
1 Don’t jump to conclusions prematurely:
When you are trying to survive a sexless marriage, a big mistake you should avoid is judging your spouse too quickly. If you would rather believe your own assumptions about your spouse’s sexual desire than open up with your spouse about it, you are bound to have more problems that should have been avoided. Eventually, the vicious cycle (you neglect to listen to his/her heart and thereby fabricate a variety of fake facts about him/her) makes you two further drift apart than before. Hence, you are advised to stick to sexual issues and don’t take them personally. Don’t always assume that he no longer loves you and puts your words in his or her mouth.
Anyway, it is essential to maintain a clear channel of communication with your spouse about the issues you have in the bedroom. The first step to surviving a sexless marriage should be to keep a conversation about sex going; sexual problems are quite common among married couples, but most of the problematic couples do not know how to discuss their sexual problems in a creative, productive, and loving manner.
Assumptions are not always true. And it is impossible to make strides towards solving problems, without confronting problems that are real problems; so, before drawing a conclusion about a sexual problem, make sure to fully hear your spouse’s views on it. For more marital aids to get back emotional intimacy in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
7 tips on how to get back emotional intimacy in marriage.
2 Communicate your sexual desires:
Ask yourself whether you can open up to your spouse about sexual desires. This is definitely a key component to maintaining a healthy, long-lasting, and happy sex life. It will be inevitable that you and your spouse will be divided on how to have sex if you always hide your innermost sexual fantasies from your spouse.
Although communicating your sexual desires may feel more natural while you are having sex, it actually can be better to discuss them outside your bedroom, especially if one or both of you are losing interest in sex. Couples who want to thrive sexually must have this ability to openly speak about this stuff, and it is advisable to talk about it regularly. Even though now you are more or less nervous or apprehensive about divulging this type of private things, you should encourage yourself to share with him, because pushing through this emotional barrier greatly helps take your sex life to the next level.
3 Schedule your sex sessions:
Maybe, like most married couples, you do the nine-to-five gig and spend a big amount of time raising a family, and it seems difficult to find enough time to share with your spouse intimate moments.
Aren’t you really able to create intimate moments in your relationship? Of course, you can. One way to fix such a lack of sexual intimacy is to schedule sex with your spouse. Not only can you two carve out time for sex by making appointments, but also you can consider embellishing by adding some romantic or passionate details to the event. For example, before having sex, you might take the initiative to talk dirty to him/her, this can help your spouse let go of inhibitions he/she may have.
Although it takes some time to get accustomed to scheduling sex in the beginning, you and your spouse might like and look forward to such an appointment eventually.
4 Commit to romance on a daily basis:
Believe it or not, the more you touch him/her, the more you connect with each other. Don’t overlook the benefits of skin to skin contact; skin to skin contact is found to stimulate the production of the hormone oxytocin and meanwhile releases endorphins, thereby increasing the affection bond with your spouse.
So, you might make a conscious effort to increase intimate contact with your spouse in your daily life. And those little things can amount to romance. For example, you might take the initiative to hold your spouse’s hands while watching a movie, kiss your spouse goodbye in the morning, and give him/her a hug when he/she comes back home. If you are a practical partner, it can be assumed that romance is often sacrificed to practicality in your married life, it is more necessary to try to add a dash of romance into your life; for example, you may have got used to giving your spouse all sorts of practical gifts when his/her birthday comes, in this case, you may choose to give him/her some romantic gifts, such as red roses, lavender plants, and his/her favorite perfume. Actually, even adding a bit more romance can go a long way toward repairing a sexless marriage.
5 Don’t expect too much of sex if you have been married for many years:
Do you have an expectation that your current sex life should return to the same quality and frequency of sex like when you feel deep in love? But things truly have changed as time passes, especially after you have children. Take the sex life after having a child as an example, reports found most women’s sex drive decreased greatly after childbirth, and that they are increasingly less keen on engaging in sexual activities than before pregnancy even if their hormone levels have already returned to normal afterward; although men don’t give birth, both men and women have to take a big amount of time to adjust the parent role after a family has a child. In short, after having a child, a wide range of physical changes and emotional changes are enough to reduce men’s and women’s libido.
However, sex life after children still can be pleasurable and expansive as long as you can maintain an open, two-way sexual connection. So, if you have been married for many years, don’t waste excessive time on complaining about the decrease in the times of sex, instead, you should prefer quality over quantity in this field.
Over time, you will have to wake up to a fact – time never moves in reverse, and you can’t relive the glory days. The same is true for sex life in your marriage. The longer you live together with your spouse, the less sex you will have with him/her. This is a natural dip in human sexual drive. However, can’t you see that a lot of old couples still have a happy sex life, although their sex ability is not as good as when they were young?
6 The cause may not be about sex:
In addition to a sexless life caused by a spouse’s decreased sex ability, there can be also a variety of seemingly irrelevant causes of a sexless relationship. In many cases, a sexless life has little to do with sex, or sexual issues are not the root cause. For example, understandably, when the two of you have drifted apart for a period of time, you disconnect from each other, take each other for granted, and foster resentment towards each other; under such a situation, your sex life is bound to be impacted drastically.
Sex can be thought of as a barometer of your marital relationship, a sexless situation may indicate that there is something wrong with your relationship. In other words, if you realize the reason why your spouse lost interest in sex is not about him/her not enjoying sex with you, you should carefully analyze the causes of the problem from a deep level and focus attention on things happened outside of your bedroom, try to figure out what isn’t working normally in your relationship other than sexual problems, and explore the underlying reasons behind it.
7 Start from the little things:
It should be an exhilarating thing to whisk your spouse away to a romantic retreat, but small and regular expressions of appreciation and love can be more beneficial to your relationship in the long run. The following talks about some typical small things that you can do for your spouse:
It doesn’t cost a dime to ask how your spouse feels about a small sexual matter, but it clearly shows you care for him or her. If your spouse has a measure of resentment towards you, you might reduce it by empathetically listening to your spouse when he or she badly wants to talk to you. And when he shows his/her vulnerability in your presence, make sure to express your willingness to give support; at the moment, your reassuring responses can help strengthen the emotional bond with him/her.
8 Improve your self-image:
Recall when you dated with your spouse at the beginning of your relationship, at that time, you must be very careful with your actions and words before him/her.
But now, have you already stopped making a conscious effort to dress yourself to impress your spouse? Do you take your spouse for granted and pay little attention to your sloppy image that you often present him/her, such as sliding between sheets in a grubby T-shirt, and going to sleep without brushing your teeth. Of course, no one suggests that you should aim for a supermodel figure or a buff body, but if you constantly think nothing of taking personal pride in your appearance when staying together with your spouse, it tends to create difficulties in sexually arousing him or her.
Appearance should not be the leading cause of a sexless life generally; but when you are thinking about how to survive a sexless marriage, it is worth your attention.
9 Listen to your spouse with an open mind:
It is almost impossible to keep a conversation going without any needless emotion being added; in the sexless marriage, your spouse must have negative emotions towards the current relationship status, and he/she hopes that you could be patient enough to listen to all the things that he or she needs to tell you. So, pick a right time to give your spouse permission to speak his/her mind, remember to just listen to what he/she says without judging, interrupting, and jumping in when he/she is talking, and allow him to fully express how the situation makes him/her feel. When you are struggling with how to survive a sexless marriage, you must learn to get him/her to let go of his/her negative feelings and emotions that have been built up over time.
10 Pick the right opportunity to talk:
There are a lot of reasons why a spouse stops having sex, such as illness, stress, low libido, age, menopause, lack of body confidence, and worrying about his/her performance in bed. You are sure that you don’t want to let the sex life wilt away, but bringing up the problem may easily make your spouse feel uncomfortable. Anyway, it is still necessary to have a frank discussion about the sexual problems in your sex life, and the key is to pick the right time when you are both relaxed, otherwise, the conversation about such a sensitive problem can be easily interrupted. In particular, you had better not talk about it when you are attempting to persuade your spouse to have sex with you, or when one or both of you are feeling frustrated or angry about sex).
Furthermore, when you are talking about sex, try to focus on the positive; tell your spouse what he/she can do to turn you on, rather than complain about what he/she doesn’t do; and vice versa. A relationship can improve if couples are willing to listen to each other more instead of criticizing each other.
The final word:
A happy sex life takes effort and time to maintain. In order to survive the sexless marriage, sometimes you should also try your best to make sex more fun and playful to keep your relationship exciting. Sex is not always spontaneous in a long term relationship; sometimes, good sex requires you to create enough space and time to get your spouse in a good mood and make him/her look forward to being with you. Not all sexless marriages are doomed; maybe you feel that it is hard for you to spice up the sexless relationship; but generally, as long as you don’t give up efforts to increase emotional and physical intimacy, your sex life should improve sooner or later.
To some extent, a sexless marriage can be understood as a typical relationship in which both parties stop trying to solve a common problem. Hence, it is time to foster a shared sense of responsibility and enthusiasm between you; this is not only in terms of sex, but also probably other aspects of your marital life.
Thank you for reading, if you want to learn more about how to survive in a sexless marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
What causes a sexless marriage – Why does a marriage become sexless?
How to keep sex alive in your marriage – Common mistakes in bed.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
Should you stay in a loveless marriage – How to survive a loveless marriage.
7 tips on how to get back emotional intimacy in marriage.
How to rekindle sexual intimacy when your wife becomes a roommate.
What to do when your husband rejects you sexually – What does it mean.