The majority of married couples can fight at some point. While a lot of fights are trivially simple, some big fights are powerful to wreck a long-term relationship. Recovering from a big fight is a slow process for married couples. Even if you and your spouse have come to an agreement after a heated fight, it is possible that the unforgettable argument and fight still put a damper on the future development of the relationship. Inevitably, it takes time to restore emotional intimacy in marriage.
If you have no idea how to make up with your spouse after a fight as soon as possible, read the 6 basic tips below:
1 Be open in communication:
It seems that keeping communication open is a well-worn cliche. But it just can be so struggling to communicate calmly and honestly with your spouse after a fight. However, if you do not understand what your spouse expects from you and meanwhile he also does not exactly understand what you expect from him, inevitably you will set yourself up for potential misunderstandings and relationship arguments/fights. So you should remind yourself to be open with your spouse about how you feel about the fight, no matter how difficult it seems for you to do so.
Without an open and detailed conversation for reflecting on the fight, you two may overlook some things that are easy to touch each other’s sore spot, and fights may be triggered later.
For more tips on how to communicate openly with your spouse, you might go on to read the related post below:
How to have effective communication in marriage.
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
2 Give your spouse space:
While you are giving your spouse space, you are also giving yourself space. After things get ugly, both of you need some alone time to reflect. Especially when some negative thoughts still loop and negative emotions still run around in your mind, you are not supposed to be around him/her. Surely, that may be okay to try to spend time together like before, if you are sure that you can be at peace with yourself.
However, if your spouse needs space but you don’t allow (for example, maybe your spouse wants to take a pause but you still want to argue/fight with him/her), the situation can be disconcerting. In such a situation, you may read the paragraph below to better understand why you should not be too clingy after a fight:
Sometimes a spouse wants plenty of space after a fight because he/she thinks that his/her partner is too clingy and that he/she needs to chill out and take the time to focus on his/her feelings and thoughts. By being clingy with your spouse, you may feel satisfied and secure to have him/her around; but after a fight, the first and primary thing for both you should be to take time to reflect on the relationship problems that have emerged from the fight. By doing so, you can strengthen your marriage in the long run. When your spouse feels the need to call a time out, your clingy behavior just makes him bored, annoyed or frustrated. Therefore, when your spouse wants some alone time, respect him/her, instead of taking it personally and withholding him/her as punishment.
3 Don’t be too defensive:
For the well-being of your marital relationship, it is not a bad choice to bear responsibility for how you have made your spouse feel; and if necessary, you might as well give up the urgent need to drive your point home. Especially if your certain behavior makes your spouse feel like you are managing to defend yourself, you had better instantly stop that kind of behavior because it can keep the intense argument going; instead, try to accept your spouse’s feelings and see the relationship problems in light of the big picture. Even if you really feel you have to clarify the reason why you ever behaved a certain way, try to delay it until the fight is really over and both of you have calmed down.
You have to accept the fact that a relationship always takes some time to recover after a fight. If you have had an intense fight, it is very necessary to schedule some time with your spouse to check back in each other’s feelings and opinions after the fight. Furthermore, rather than react defensively, it is better to devote time and energy to figuring out how to do differently the next time an intense fight occurs. And an effective way to stop being defensive about a certain issue is to work together to reach an agreement or set rules and boundaries for the future. And here are some ground rules that may give you some valuable insights:
- Deal with just one issue at a time:
Don’t rush into introducing another topic unless the current issues are discussed fully. In this way, you can effectively avoid the “kitchen sink” effect – one spouse throws in all his/her complaints suddenly while current issues are not resolved.
- Don’t hit each other below the belt:
Remember that attacking areas of a person’s sensitivity just creates an unhealthy atmosphere that is filled with vulnerability, anger, and distrust.
- Avoid accusations:
Your accusations just cause your spouse to defend himself/herself. In order to improve mutual understanding, the correct way should be to talk about how his/her actions made you feel during the fight. In short, make a point of making your post-fight communication productive.
4 Don’t drag the past things out after they have been settled:
Although the dust may have already settled after a fight, it is likely that your emotions are still running high. Therefore, maybe you are still tempted to exhibit passive-aggressive behavior – you appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually, you resist passively and behave negatively. Maybe you intend to make your point emphatic, or maybe you intend to get back at your spouse. Anyway, such behavior will only prolong the nastiness, whether you do that consciously or unconsciously.
Probably, every now and then you may still make some remarks on the fight that has already ended, and maybe you just joke around. Surely, it is not that you do not need to have a sense of humor and be able to joke about unpleasant things, but you have to be aware that both of you are still more or less sensitive after the intense fight. Therefore your joke may be interpreted in the wrong way at that point. If you want to use humor to release tension between you, make sure that both of you will be in on the joke. Keep in mind that a joke can undermine the goodwill and mutual trust in your relationship when the joking is just one-sided, not two-sided.
5 Be kind:
It is seldom productive to force things; however, you must also have ever heard the phrase – “Fake it till you make it”; this saying often applies to situations after a fight. Do you feel that you are often stuck in a rut after a fight – one or both of you feel unloved or unappreciated, and your relationship is laden with resentment and hostility? If so, no matter how small your acts of kindness and affection are, simply being affectionate and kind to your spouse may help ease the tension to some extent.
Surely, this manner may not work well when you two are still very resentful. Anyway, when you two are feeling stuck in the relationship, doing it in this manner can be a good start, because a little kindness can serve as a good reminder that you still care about your spouse in spite of the recent unpleasantness. Certainly, you also do not have to pretend that nothing has happened. Being kind and affectionate just gives your spouse a hint that you are willing to move on after a fight with your spouse.
6 Don’t put all the blame on your spouse alone:
A lot of people tend to shift off responsibility and criticize their partners when meeting difficulties and problems in their married life. So, ask yourself whether you attempted to put the whole blame on your spouse? Although you think that some actions of your spouse triggered the argument or fight, it doesn’t mean that he should be solely responsible for what happened. Ask yourself whether your apathetic attitude of listening to him/her made the argument more draining, whether your harsh remarks hurt his/her feelings and thereby made it hard for him/her to accept your opinion.
After a fight, you may be apt to focus on what your spouse was doing/saying to you during the fight, rather than reflect back on what you did/said to him first. And only after you start to shift your focus inward and reflect on your behavior during the fight, you will feel the need to make up with your spouse in a way that you truly respect him/her. For example, when you realize that you acted out based on your defenses, you may feel the need to directly apologize to your spouse. To stop putting your spouse down, you should objectively judge yourself first. When you awaken to your responsibilities instead of placing the blame solely on your spouse, you give your marriage a good chance of remaining alive, equal and fulfilling.
So, after a fight, put aside any urges to place blame on your spouse; to get your marriage back on track, you two should give each other to explain and seek mutual understanding, rather than blame each other; so just try to explain your side in front of your spouse, and let him/her feel free to talk about it too. Likewise, you should also allow your spouse to explain his/her own side to you, and meanwhile, you should also actively engage in the discussion.
In short, when you are talking with your spouse about the bad fight, don’t attempt to dominate the conversation and lead your spouse into further arguments about who should be to blame or be mainly to blame; instead, just honestly admit the truth – it takes two to tangle.
The final word:
Remember that it is not an easy thing to forgive and forget after a big fight; emotions during and after the fight may be overwhelming, leaving you numb to the point where you are not sure about how to feel and what to say, and so may your spouse. Therefore, there is no need to immediately doubt your spouse’s love for you just because he/she chooses to hold his/her tongue after the fight. You should respect his/her silence and give him/her enough time to recover.
Thank you for reading! If a bad fight has been ruining your marriage and you wonder how to save the broken marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it shares more effective tips and techniques that help you put a stop to those toxic arguments and ensure that they don’t continue to sabotage your relationship.
For more tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
Top 5 things married couples fight about – Most common fights in marriage.
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.