Do you notice that your man seems to be less engaged, less present, and less satisfied with you? Do you feel blindsided or shell shocked as you don’t know what went wrong? In this situation, most likely, he pulls away because of a certain experience that bruises his ego. His ego gets hurt and bruised easily if he thinks that you disrespect his opinion, do something better than him, say something uncomplimentary, or your unintentional words and actions diminish who he is. The bruised ego can easily make him feel less valuable and important in the relationship.
A man has a massive ego in a marital relationship, and that ego needs to be stroked by his woman. And your man is also not exceptional, he wants you to stroke his ego, rather than bruise his ego; but he would not like to clearly express this emotional need to you, he just wants you to meet this need spontaneously.
The discussion below may help you gain a deeper understanding of your man’s ego:
The male ego is worse than the female ego:
As we all know, marriage is about “We”, but on the other hand, it is also about retaining a spouse’s identity and individuality. As a wife, you need to leave adequate room for your man’s ego within this long term relationship. The male ego is about “him”, and this feeling of “him” can be a good enough reason for his confrontation against you. For any marital problem whatsoever, his ego may crop up between you, and add fuel to a problem that has already been worsening; hence, his ego may restrict the viable solution to a relationship problem if you don’t take it into account.
Ego is the mother of many characteristics in a man, and that often makes his woman confused in the relationship. In fact, the “ego” factor exists in every person, but males suffer much more from it than females. A man’s ego has started to develop since childhood – since he was a boy, he has always been taught to win against a girl. In a man’s mind, losing to a woman can be viewed as a shameful weakness. Before a man becomes an adult, his family, friends, and society have already planted this thought in his mind.
When a man becomes egoistic, his state of mind can suddenly become adamant against logic, so in the heat of the moment, he may ignore the truth and the real situation, and then get stuck in a destructive pattern of behavior.
Should you feed his ego?
A man’s ego is a strange beast to a woman: on the one hand, a man is a proud creature, he needs to feel strong, independent, and respected in a relationship; but on the other hand, his ego is so fragile that he wants to be treated as a big baby.
Dealing with your man’s ego is sort of like feeding a tiger; as we all know, if a tiger always can’t get decent food, it is going to waste away. And it is difficult to imagine how depressed he is when you no longer feed his ego, or when you always don’t feed his ego enough. However, if a tiger is fed too much, it easily becomes wild, and blood-thirsty. Likewise, for a man, a little ego can lead to insecurities, but a giant ego can lead to arrogance. Granted, this is true for every person, but it is particularly true for men, that is because the male ego is much more fragile and men are hardwired to use their egos as a shield – especially when he senses that his ego is greatly bruised, his ego will instantly manipulate his mind, without allowing his head to control his heart. At that moment, his woman can also realize that he is pulling away and withdrawing.
So if you want to maintain a good connection in the long-lasting relationship, you need to be aware that learning how to feed his ego is a required course. And don’t think it is difficult to provide “food” to his ego, a lot of seemingly common things that you can do actually help fulfill his ego. For example, you might listen to him attentively while he is speaking to you, give him the deep impression that you admire him, make him feel that you always put your effort into things that matter to him, and make him feel respected (even though you disagree with him on certain issues).
Moreover, in addition to paying attention to how to feed his ego, you should also be concerned about how to protect his ego.
A woman may unintentionally bruise her man’s ego:
When you make your man feel like your hero, you draw out his hero instinct and activate the heroic version of him, so you get to see the best in him. On the contrary, when he feels that his ego is bruised, he may only exhibit the worst part of his masculine traits.
A man’s ego is just as fragile as a woman’s heart. Many times, a woman may bruise her man’s ego without realizing it. And a man’s bruised ego can make him act like a total douchebag in the presence of his woman. So you should try to avoid things that may bruise your man’s ego; here are some specific suggestions:
- Don’t compare your man to other men:
The vast majority of men hate to be compared to other men by their women. When he is compared to other men who have superior talents in the presence of him, he may have crippling self-doubt, and he may experience something unpleasant that hurt his own idealized identity.
- Don’t insult his job:
No men like to be mocked for his job. Even if your man really hates his job or does not do well in his job, probably he still feels a bit proud of the job while you are playing down it.
- Don’t always bring up the same mistakes that your man has ever made.
- Don’t scold him as if he was your child, even though he indeed did something wrong or foolish.
- Don’t criticize your man’s best friends in front of him.
- If possible, don’t demand something that he dislikes.
- Don’t take your man for granted when he works hard for what you want.
- Don’t simply dismiss your man’s opinion when you can’t agree with him.
When it comes to how to protect your man’s ego, in addition to avoiding those things that may bruise your man’s ego, there is one more important point that you should keep in mind: make him feel that you admire him for the good personality traits and unique talents that he has.
If you wonder how to make your man feel admired, the post below may give you more insights:
how to make your husband feel appreciated – Show him appreciation.
Certainly, you want your man to be confident without being arrogant. As long as you can protect his ego, he is happy to bring out the best version of himself, so he doesn’t have to show you the bad part of himself. And he will also appreciate your long-term effort to protect his ego, although he may never speak it out.
And there is a need to emphasize what you should do to protect his ego when you ask him to change:
There are times when you want him to make some changes; after all, sometimes he screws things up unavoidably. For example, sometimes you may want him to be kinder, gentler, and more considerate when he acts cold to someone; and sometimes you may want him to care more about people close to him when you notice he is too focused on himself or too busy with his work/business.
Surely, it is not wrong to ask your man to make positive changes; but remember, focus on reminding him of specific things that he should improve, without the need to make personal remarks (e.g. “What a fool you are!”). When you go after his character flaws, he tends to feel that you are bruising his ego, hence probably he will act defensively to protect his ego, and turn a deaf ear to what you are really saying; as a result, the connection with him will suffer. For example, if one night your man ditches you to hang around with his good friends and you can’t contact him during that night, you must feel resentful or angry; but when he comes back home, you should resist the urge to criticize him (maybe you are tempted to say to him “You are a total jerk” in the heat of the moment); if you do it that way, you actually try to get him to admit that he is a bad guy in need of reform, no doubt that is hard for him; but if you choose to express how you feel about the incident and tell him not to do so next time, he is more likely to mend his ways.
In short, when your man did something bad to you, as long as you are sure that those things do not pose a danger to the relationship, you just need to focus on his actions, without having to dwell on the intentions behind his behavior.
The final word on your man’s ego:
A man has a much bigger ego than a woman. And his ego is always a part of how he is, and it is deeply connected to his love, attraction, affection, desire for his woman. Whether you like it or not, you have to accept your man’s ego as a component of the marital relationship. In the relationship with him, you inevitably play the role of either an ego buster or an ego booster.
In particular, when he seems emotionally distant, you should make a point to deal with his ego properly. And coping with your man’s ego can be tricky; after all, his ego gets a bad wrap and it takes great efforts to tap into his ego.
If you want to learn more about how to strengthen the relationship when your husband pulls away or grows cold and distant, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
10 tips on how to boost your husband’s ego – stroke his ego.
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What should you do when your husband says he hates you?
How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.
Signs your husband is pulling away – Why he seems distant.
What to do when your husband is not affectionate towards you.
What to do when your husband rejects you sexually – what does it mean?