No matter how happy a marriage is, it can not be free of conflict between spouses. In this sense, there is no perfect married life. The marital conflict is real and normal for married couples, and the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy marriage just lies in how to deal with it.
To help you deal with marital conflict in a productive manner, here are 5 tips:
(1) Fight fair:
First of all, don’t attempt to escape those issues that need to be solved as soon as possible; when facing critical or controversial issues in marriage, you need to learn how to argue, disagree, and even fight so that you can better working on adjusting, compromising, and moving forward. Otherwise, it is likely to intensify the marital conflict – Tension, miscommunication, and poor communication can get you two stuck in a vicious cycle of endless fighting; in particular, the presence of 4 negative communication patterns (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness) usually predicts that the marital conflict has escalated into an issue that is threatening the relationship; therefore, during an intense fight with your spouse, you should also seek constructive ways to vent your emotions to avoid being caught in the trap of those relationship breakers.
It is a compulsory course for married couples to learn to fight fair throughout their married life. Almost all couples inevitably fight for some issues at some point, and those couples who fight fair tend to stick together, they discuss and work out problems together; no doubt, this plays a positive role in keeping their marriages alive.
If you have no idea how to fight fair in your marriage, here are some specific tips:
- Keep calm:
This is a key point to fight fair. Upon finding you and your spouse are falling into a wrong pattern during an argument, try to keep a cool head; under this situation, you may make full use of various “time out” words to remind your spouse that it is time to take a break and de-escalate the worsening situation.
- Be polite:
It is rude to cut your spouse short when he/she is talking, so anyway, remind yourself to give him/her time to talk himself/herself out, no matter how much you want to break in with your questions or different opinions. If you interrupt your spouse’s speech suddenly, most likely, he/she will choose to respond to you instantly as soon as he/she hears your statements; usually, this is sort of a passive response that aims at controlling the conversation; when the two of you does not give each other enough time to think over what each other says, you two will inevitably carry unnecessary emotions while responding to each other; and even in the heat of the moment, your response may become a purely emotional reaction that does not make sense. On the other hand, if your spouse often interrupts your speech, you should also ask him/her to stop doing so.
In short, each other should remember and obey a rule – “Wait for the opposite side to speak to finish, after that, I can go on to say what I want to say.”
- Focus on now:
Just stick to the matter at hand. Why? Read the explanation below:
When you get into an ugly fight, you must have ever had the experience – The conversation is getting nonsense and exaggerated; for example, to try to score points off each other, you may both bring up the past slights/injustices/grievances, then the focal point deviates from what the subject that you want to talk about; as the argument rages on and on, the conflict is not resolved.
- Don’t slam each other:
It is often seen that couples indulge in name-calling and abusive language when the argument style becomes nasty or rude. When you are slamming your spouse, your attention has dramatically turned to the person instead of the issue itself.
- Apologize properly:
The fastest method to de-escalate marital conflict is to apologize. But many times, one spouse can not feel how sincere the other is when he/she is apologizing. In fact, this may not be easily accomplished by just saying “I’m sorry”; in general, a sincere apology should contain three key points: acknowledging your mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and bearing your responsibility.
If you want to grasp more rules on how to fight fair to resolve marital conflict, you might go on to read the post below:
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
(2) Externalize your problem:
Next time, when you get to a point of frustration or confusion, try to express what you are concerned about to your spouse in a detailed manner; the more detailed, the better. And during the process, make sure not to let your spouse realize that he/she is the problem-maker. Instead, express your concern like you are both outsiders who work together.
As for the same matter, couples can have different but valid points from different perspectives. Actually, most couples can sympathize with this view in peacetime. Many times in married life, one spouse desires to better understand the other one’s mind, and he/she is willing to listen to the other’s thoughts; but sadly, the other one may not pay attention to externalize the related problems, especially when marital conflict emerges. The example below may make this point more clear:
The words “You’ve forgotten to empty the trash again” are charged with critical statements; after you notice this problem, you may say “The trash wasn’t emptied yesterday, and how could we remind ourselves to do it in time?” The former statement can easily force your partner onto the defensive, but the latter one externalizes an issue and meanwhile opens a new dialogue that aims at addressing the issue together.
(3) Increase physical touch in marriage:
In many cases, the marital conflict can be closely linked with a lack of intimacy (e.g. emotional intimacy, verbal intimacy, and physical intimacy). The following will mainly talk about meaningful physical touch in marriage.
After the romance went out of the marriage, a large number of couples can palpably feel that the amount of physical touch in the relationship declines.
However, don’t overlook the power of physical touch in your relationship. Meaningful physical touch enriches a relationship in many unexpected aspects. Physical affection produces oxytocin (a bonding hormone) that contributes to promoting the intimate degree of interpersonal relationships. And it has been confirmed that a person who feels comfortable with touching becomes more cheerful and talkative during a conversation. Therefore, the more comfortable your spouse feels comfortable with touch, the less suspicious and afraid he/she is of your questionable motives and intentions; less tension and anxiety help lower the intensity of the marital conflict.
Does it still sound a little weird? But it works. For example, during an argument, sitting close, holding hands, placing hands on the other one’s shoulder, or giving a hug naturally produces a feeling of relaxation and ease.
Besides above, it is also advisable to increase physical touch with your spouse in your daily life.
(4) Avoid absolute words:
When you have a conflicting problem with your spouse, you do not have to make sweeping generalizations about your spouse. Don’t say “always” or “never” during the conflict. For example, statements like “You never want to assist me with my chores “, and “You are always ready with an excuse” are likely to put your spouse on the defensive; understandably, your intention is to want him/her to be more attentive and helpful, but such a counterproductive statement may cause him/her to retort by giving counterexamples to justify himself/herself; as a result, the conflict intensifies.
(5) Focus on one issue at a time:
To have a rational/constructive conversation with your spouse when dealing with marital conflict, you may focus on one issue every time. There is one thing in common in the majority of cases of marital conflict – Dragging multiple issues into one discussion; if a conversation moves on like this, it tends to be a mess. When a relationship is in trouble, any argument about a topic may well turn into a long and painful complaining session. And the more topics you initiate, the more complaints you will receive. Therefore, don’t move to another discussion unless the current issue is resolved or at least fully discussed.
Can your marriage thrive with conflict?
Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage, and the conflict in marriage always exists, because there are always unresolved problems.
And when the certain conflict between you and your spouse is keeping you stuck in your married life, you might ask yourself what you are aiming at, or what you are trying to do? If you realize that you are trying to make your point to prove yourself right or even get your way, that can be damaging to the relationship. Why? When the goal of marital conflict is to win, the marriage suffers. Of course, after the conflict, the “winner” can feel good about the gained advantage, or the points that he/she scored; however, the conflict starts to tear the marriage apart. When it comes to how to deal with marital conflict, both sides should set up a correct goal to have a thriving marriage – Making progress together.
And if you want to learn more about how to save your marriage from the destruction caused by some major conflict, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it will remind you to stick to a series of basic rules for healthy fighting when you find yourself in the midst of conflict:
Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
Top 5 things married couples fight about – Most common fights in marriage.
Is your marriage worth saving – Is there hope for your marriage?