You are sure you love your wife, but lately, you two start to have more and more moments of struggle/embarrassment in the relationship. Finally, she says she needs some alone space. Surely, it is necessary to give your wife the required space without losing the connection; after all, we all want to have some room and time for ourselves from time to time; but you may have also realized that there has been a major relationship rift. Now you are worried about how to move the relationship forward.
When your wife says she needs space, what does it mean?
This implies two things – There can be some subtle, serious relationship problems that she starts to worry/complain about, or she just needs time to sort something in her private life (this kind of thing may not be involved with the relationship). Anyway, speaking it out is better than keeping her mouth shut. No one likes to see their partner drifting apart emotionally in their relationship. But regardless of the situation, you just need to talk to her briefly and allow her to spend some time alone.
A wife is tempted to isolate herself due to your over-possessiveness and clinginess:
Have you been over-dependent in the relationship? For example, do you constantly text or call her? Or do you get suspicious often when she is not around you? Or have you both been doing things together too often? This can trigger her irritation and cranky behavior. In any long-term relationship, needing space is normal; and the following points out 3 major signs that you should pick before things get worse:
- You two start to argue/fight without reason:
Fights or anger can be the result of asking/wanting/needing something a lot more. Spending too much time together can contribute to the toxicity of a long-term relationship that typically stems from codependency. Especially when your wife’s individual time is not honored, when she can not focus on her interests or work, or when she can not fully express her thoughts, her anger/resentment toward you can breed and flourish.
- Your wife has been annoyed by your presence:
How to deal personal space is often a troublesome relationship issue; Excessive and unnecessary interference in her private life can also lead to relationship friction. So you might ask yourself whether you have cared too much and ended up becoming a nag ultimately. In such a situation, this not only may trigger a conflict but also may make her hate you or ignore your presence.
- Your connection is always off track:
Sometimes, when a partner says they need space, it is because they want to figure out some issues that are not involved with their relationships, such as illness/discomfort, work stress, friendship relationship issues, and family-of-origin issues. In such a case, if your wife pushes you back but you are always clueless about how to deal with it properly, she will have to ask for more space.
The pros and cons of allowing space in a long-term relationship：
The cons – too much space can be a slippery slope:
Although a little space does not affect a relationship bond, too much space will significantly drain partners’ energy and increase the sense of loneliness
Most of the time, you should give your wife space as much as possible, as long as she asks for it. But sometimes, you had better not compromise. For example, if your wife wants time away from you just for a long trip, especially if she wants to leave you with young children, such a request is unreasonable and only signals that she wants to care less about you and the family.
Giving too much space may cause a partner to feel as though the other one does not care about them enough anymore. When a couple feels they no longer depend on or trust each other for anything, the relationship is on the rocks; and it will be difficult to bring the emotional connection back on track.
The pros – enough space can be a gateway to a more meaningful connection:
When your wife gets her much-needed space, she can better focus on her life; for example, she can take this opportunity to explore her interests or hobbies that were lack of her attention when you and she were too busy with married life. Meanwhile, this also gives you a lot of alone time that is also necessary for your self-growth/self-development. For example, you can also use the time to learn new life skills (e.g. cooking, photography, playing guitar, and gardening skills), hit the gym, go out fishing…
Some time apart is very beneficial for you to reflect upon what you have done recently in the relationship, it is very necessary to understand what may have made your wife unhappy; this may teach you to cherish the relationship and spend more quality time together in the future.
Having time apart is also likely to bring about freshness in a long-term relationship, and it also helps foster each partner’s independence rather than clinginess, encouraging each other to maintain each other’s individual identity.
Is it normal to give her space regularly?
“I need some space…” This type of word may have sent your heart racing. Now you wonder whether you did/said something wrong, and even you may start to worry whether she will break up with you… Anyway, knowing how to give her space should be perceived as a normal part of this long-term relationship. According to related research conducted in Europe and North America, more than 10% of married couples “live apart together”.
When your wife says she needs space, you might ponder on exchanging the position – in other types of relationships, sometimes we also need space from our relatives, friends, colleagues… Weirdly, we rarely tell our friends, coworkers, or relatives that we want some space; at least, we do not directly speak it out. But these are good examples of keeping our distance to maintain our autonomy while valuing/respecting other people. In fact, sometimes you may also realize that your friends/coworkers/family members choose to keep you at a distance, but generally, you do not complain about it, and you respect what they do; so you might learn from these examples.
Remember, everyone may ask for space in any long-term relationship; your long-term partner is also not exceptional; and even your wife may ask you to give much more space than what you give to other people.
Needed space means we need to free ourselves from a relationship to do something else, and it belongs to an important kind of self-care. Therefore, giving space can also be viewed as a way to reset boundaries in the relationship. And in the long run, healthy boundaries are conducive to maintaining each other’s independence and sense of self.
So you have to learn how to give your wife space properly. This can be tricky; without sufficient communication, you can hardly do it well.
About your wife’s trust:
When your wife says she needs space, maybe she is quietly and sadly considering her future departure, and maybe she has felt bored with married life and become demotivated in maintaining the relationship; and at that time, there can be nothing that you can say or do to impress her or get her to change her mind dramatically. Maybe, in the relationship, she has ever trusted you deeply but got hurt by you, now she doesn’t want to get hurt a second time, so she tries to keep her distance from you in various ways; this behavior can be perceived as an incurable psychological reaction. In her mind, the current relationship with you is like a horror movie, moving away from the “horror” is a logical self-preserving move.
For the unhappy, untrusting, and disconnected wife, she will not get past the fear of reconnecting and want you back unless she sees unquestionable, authentic, and real changes in you. And they must be your voluntary changes that she badly wants, rather than changes you are forced to make by her. Especially if some dramatic, shockingly unexpected changes happen to you, probably she will be curious about the possibilities. When you find out a way back into the confident and calm frame, probably she will feel amazed; then it will improve the relationship dynamic significantly.
Again, remember the prerequisite to your wife feeling good about you again: when you desire to move the relationship forward with positive changes, first, you need to feel good about your changes.
What you should do when your wife says she needs space:
1 Avoid counter-intuitive behavior that may make her pull further away:
At this stage, your feelings of uncertainty and anxiety may make you vibrate with a strong desire to repair the relationship. And the fear of failure may create a desperate energy that motivates you to say or do anything to seek relief. However, when your wife says she needs space, she wants you to stop doing something unfavorable and feel great about it; probably, whether you do it or not, she may not say much, but she will notice and keep it in mind. The following points out several things that you had better stop:
- Stop interrogating her about things that she has repeatedly said.
- Stop launching heavy, long conversations because she lacks patience in communicating with you.
- Stop asking her various questions and demanding explanations.
- Stop attempting to impress her and please her.
- Stop reacting to daily things from an angle of anger and resentment.
- Stop talking about anything emotional or controversial relationship issues.
- Don’t gossip about her behind her back, especially during conversations with her friends or family members.
2 There are also some counter-intuitive things that you might do to make her feel better:
When your wife says she needs space, if you can feel great by doing something from an angle of non-negotiable commitment to yourself, she will feel a bit pleased and even curious, although she may still be unwilling to reveal her inner feelings and thoughts. So you might choose to do things or take actions like the below:
- Spend some quality time with quality men that have healthy hobbies; in other words, don’t hang around with those guys who have disgusting habits.
- Learn about how to increase your confidence and reduce your insecurity.
- Be cooperative, but don’t act as a pushover.
- At every turn, remain compassionate, considerate, and kind toward her.
- If she launches a conversation about how the relationship will go, make sure to calmly engage in the conversation with her about serious issues.
- Manage your time well, and be productive to schedule your day; don’t be caught in a mess because of your wife’s bad mood.
What should you do if she comes back:
Surely, you are the one who sincerely wants her back; people outside the relationship may not be able to tell you what exactly to do next.
Too many times, in a broken love relationship, a wife does not come back ultimately, especially if she notices that her husband is trying to manipulate an outcome or playing a game with her; but if your wife comes back, she must have realized that you are serious to change yourself and that your changes live up to her expectations. Remember, the changes must be solely for you instead of an attachment to her emotional reactions. This is not easy, and this should be regarded as a good time of your life to draw lessons from what happened to your marriage. For the majority of husbands who try to salvage their marriages, it inevitably takes much pain and time to motivate them toward changes, probably you are also not exceptional.
After you make those changes that are beneficial for the relationship, you will become more clear about what you should expect of yourself;
How to give your wife the required space?
When your wife says she needs space, don’t view it as a relationship break; at that time, you need to learn to balance yourself.
The following are some strategies to give space in a long-term relationship effectively:
- Don’t take it personally – When she has openly told you that she needs some space, you should thank her for being honest. After all, every individual is different, spending time alone has more to do with how a person gets energized again.
- Hang out with family or friends – you might take this opportunity to nurture other important relationships. Friendships can help enrich your life and improve your mental health. When your wife says she needs alone space, she would like to see you spending time enjoying your healthy interests with other people.
- Limit calling and texting – at this stage, constant talking does not help enhance the relationship; instead, little interaction is enough to let her know you care about her. For example, these days, you might just need to send a few text messages or make a few phone calls to say “good night”. At this critical stage, your absence can make her heart grow fonder.
- Set new goals for yourself – when your wife says she needs space, you might get over your fear of being alone by setting new goals. So you might do something significant out of your comfort zone; as long as you can do it this way, you will find it meaningful regardless of the result. Moreover, when you set a goal properly and move toward your goal, you will motivate yourself to do as much as you can; in this process, you improve yourself and lead a better life subtly.
- Give your wife more encouragement – occasionally, you might also guide your wife to restart some old hobbies or discover new interests; or if you can, you might also give her some advice to improve her daily habits, work performance/skills, work efficiency, and the balance between work and personal life. For a wife, it is nice to have a husband who would like to give simple and continuous support to her anytime.
What she is not telling you if she says she wants to separate:
When your wife decides that she needs time apart, generally the decision is not based on a simple event or temporary feelings; like most partners who live in unhappy marriages, probably she also takes a lot of time to consider and determine the necessity of separating from you. Surely, there is a number of women who are immature and don’t take their marriages seriously (you see, some celebrities got married quickly and divorced within a short time); that kind of women are not fully committed to their long-term relationships, they think of spending time apart or divorcing at the first sign of a heated argument or fight; hope your wife does not belong to that group of immature women; here, let’s just focus on the general cases.
Generally, from the moment a woman agreed to marry you, she has been committed to making the marriage work. And when your wife decides to ask you for time apart, there should be something ongoing and negative about your attitude, thinking, or behavior that has brought her to such a serious decision. However, maybe you are still not sure what causes her desire to ask for time apart finally; you have to take a lot of time to think deeply about this issue. Again, don’t simply think it is just about specific events; and like most women, probably your wife also would not like to come out and explain why you lost attraction to her or why she does not feel respected by you…
Your wife might say something that hurt your heart, like “I don’t feel happy with you anymore…”, and “You are so boring…” but the hurtful words are seldom (if ever) followed with instructions about how to make her happy again or how to get her love back; most of the time, she just wants you to work hard to be the man that she secretly wants.
In almost any love relationship, a woman never wants to play the role of a man’s teacher who educates him on how to be loveable and attractive or how to be a man. If she adopts the role, the relationship dynamic will be transformed into a relationship between a mother and child, or a relationship between a teacher and student.
Like the majority of women who are pulling away from their men emotionally, probably your wife just gives vague excuses like, “I just need some time to think things through”, “I think if we take some time apart, problems might improve between us”, and “I need to have some time apart”; even she may tell you not to think too much about it; in this case, you do not have to pump her for the exact reasons, there must be something that she would not like to be open about, and she just wants you to figure them out on your own.
On the other hand, you must be aware of a simple truth: for a wife to remain attracted to her husband, respectful of him, and in love after passion fades, the man needs to let her look up to him as an excellent man; no women would like to stay long with a lost man; so when your wife says she needs space, you need to think hard about how to be a better man for her – in the long married life, something that you have done might have silently eaten away at her attraction and respect for you, but you did not realize it. Of course, she is also unwilling to mention this issue about your self-improvement.
Are you falling into the pursuer-distancer cycle?
When a couple has competing needs for space and closeness, the pursuer-distancer cycle is typically enacted – one spouse strives for closeness to relieve anxiety about the relationship, and meanwhile, the other one badly needs time and space to process things without wanting to be disturbed, otherwise, they feel pressured. Likewise, at this stage, your wife acts as the distancer, and you act as the pursuer. And when you push her to open up to you, she just feels overwhelmed and starts to stonewall or shut down, then she pulls away; however her response exacerbates your anxiety, you do not feel close to her, so you want her to talk it out quickly, she proceeds to shut down more; in this vicious cycle, each party’s response tends to exacerbate the other one’s desired distance or pursue; and the bad pattern tends to become more and more entrenched if a couple can not realize the relationship risk and get out of it in time.
If you realize that you are craving closeness frequently but your wife just needs space, you might consider the tips below to break the negative cycle:
- Ground yourself :
When you are very upset with the relationship, you are very likely to assume the worst situation and prematurely jump to a conclusion about her intentions; in this case, you might learn to ground yourself; for example, you might engage in an activity that feels grounding or soothing, meanwhile, try to connect with the present moment; in this way, you are more likely to put your relationship problems into perspective, and this will help you communicate with your wife more effectively. Surely, there are different grounding exercises that you can do, for example, you might meditate, practice yoga, play piano, take slow deep breathing, read a book… Surely, it takes time to find out the one that resonates most with you.
- Check the facts:
Has your wife given you some indication that she has been mad at you or unwilling to speak with you? Have you thought about other possible reasons for her recent behavior that has puzzled you? If you feel confused, have you shared your assumption with your friends or family members, what is their opinion? … Ask yourself this type of question, and take time to reflect upon these questions; by doing this, you will be more likely to gain new perspectives on your relationship.
Probably, at this stage, you also feel the need to clarify what you want from her; but anyway, don’t blame her. Otherwise, it will evolve into an ongoing argument, and she will become more defensive; even she will shut down the communication especially if you express your bad feelings in an angry or accusatory manner. Remember, as long as you desire her to be more receptive to you regardless of the situation, you need to express your inner feelings without blame. For example, a statement like “Every time you come home and avoid talking with me, I have a wistful sense of loss” may help her realize that you just simply desire to connect with her and don’t want to blame her.
Even though your wife is unwilling to meet your needs, you might also consider how you can best support her. For example, you might communicate to her that you look forward to being present with her anytime after she decompresses from a busy and tiring day; this can make her realize that you would like to give her enough time to spend alone, so she will be more likely to feel close to you. Surely, if she still remains indifferent to your statements or becomes disgusted with what you say, you had better disengage to avoid unnecessary escalation of the disharmonious situation; otherwise, she will pull further away.
- Clarify what you want from her without blaming her:
Keep in mind that there may be an ongoing or heated argument between you and your wife, she may react defensively to your criticism or shut down suddenly if you just express your confusion and frustration in a fairly angry or accusatory manner. As long as you want your wife to be more receptive to you, you have to learn to express your feelings without blame. For example, a statement like “When you come home and pass me by without saying any words, I feel isolated!” can help her better understand that you simply want to connect with her, and meanwhile you lower the accusatory tone significantly.
Even though your wife is unwilling to meet your need, you might consider what she can do to best support you. For example, you might communicate to her that you look forward to seeing her when she is trying to decompress after a bad day, and let her know that you still feel pleased to be present with her even though she just doesn’t want to say anything.
Of course, once you notice the pursuer-distancer cycle is enacted, you had better disengage instantly to avoid escalation. For example, if you notice that your reaction is escalating and she is pulling away, you had better pause the conversation and take some time to calm down; and when you feel well and are able to communicate effectively with her, you might resume the conversation.
- See things from the point of her view:
“I need space” sounds like a scary thing in a long-term relationship, but you do not have to worry about it too much, generally you are supposed to give her enough time and space without disturbing her too much, and meanwhile you have to learn to better relieve yourself rather than act as a control freak; in short, you just need to do what you can do to maintain the relationship.
Let’s discuss what she is thinking or going through:
- She may be in a self-exploration phase:
In your married life, it is quite easy to assume everything your wife does to you is because of you. However, she can also be stuck in a self-exploration phase due to issues that are irrelevant to the relationship.
Inevitably, there comes a phase where we feel some hitches and needs in our life nearly; your wife is also not exceptional; she needs to figure something out all by herself. Such a phase can be triggered by a wide range of factors, such as the leaving/death of an intimate friend or family member, unemployment, diseases, financial crises…
Understandably, it is rational to feel scared if she asks for space because she needs to figure something out, especially if she is not willing to reveal what it is. But generally, after she completes the exploration, she would happily come back as a rounded person and continue the marriage, especially if she realizes that you always silently watch her and support her in the background.
Probably, you have to be mentally prepared to go through the suffering phase all by yourself if you find that she has already been changed suddenly and significantly by something.
- She may need time to reflect upon the relationship:
There are times when your wife wants to reflect upon the long-term relationship; although the reflection appears to be negative for your relationship, it could also be positive in the long run because it allows her to become more aware of her inner feelings. This might lead her to understand how important you are to her.
As we all know, reflection is done in critical moments; probably she is thinking about some significant questions, such as whether you and she can live happily if the marriage continues, what she has sacrificed/given up, what she has got in this relationship, what you/she has done wrong in the relationship, and how to treat you in future…
Especially if recently there has been incessant squabbling or she has complained about seemingly small or unimportant issues, it is necessary for her to reflect on the marriage itself; in this case, make sure to give her sufficient time and space. In this situation, depriving your wife of space will only frustrate her more, so it is necessary to allow her to reflect. And when she reflects, you might let her have some more space than before; this will make her appreciate you more.
- Don’t be too needy or put too much pressure on your wife:
Perceived partner responsiveness (which means how your wife believes you value, understand, and support her) is an essential part of a healthy long-term relationship. In general, a marriage that is high in partner responsiveness leaves both spouses feeling satisfied, close, and committed to each other. The more a responsive spouse conveys sensitivity and warmth to the other one’s feelings, the more the other one feels understood, valued, listened to, and comfortable. However, when you feel insecure in your marriage, it becomes tough to be warm, understanding, and sensitive because you can’t stop seeking reassurance to reduce your insecurity.
So you might reflect on whether you have become too needy or clingy in this relationship. Neediness in a relationship is a complicated issue, and it can be a result of previous failed relationships, self-neglect, childhood attachment issues, etc. Anyway, the more needy/clingy you are, the more space your wife wants. In fact, when you always prioritize the relationship above all else, she can feel your overwhelming neediness, but you may not realize it in time. You need to be aware that your neediness is based on the fundamental doubt – “Am I worthy of love?” so you feel the need to constantly seek reassurance, and you always can not put your mind at ease.
The following points out some scenarios where you should avoid being needy:
- When she just doesn’t want to hang out with you although you have asked several times, you do not have to interrogate her about what you did something wrong that makes her unhappy. To make her feel secure, you might say words like, “I think you have had a busy day, have a good rest!”
- There are times when you wonder why she doesn’t text back right away; if you say words like “someone must be more interesting than me” and “why don’t you respond to me?”, or if you question her in an inquisitorial voice, she will feel that you are too needy and suspicious; instead, you might simply say “have you gotten distracted by something else?”.
- Understandably, sometimes you just wonder whether she still loves you; and if you directly say words like “You no longer love me” and mention a series of the negatives of the relationship, she will only pull further away. In this case, you should be aware that it is not necessary to discuss the conclusive topic at this stage, even she herself is also not sure whether she should go on to stay in the relationship; or if you just can not help but ask this question, you should talk more about the positives of the relationship, especially those things she has ever done for you; whether she still loves you or not, this way is less likely to offend her.
- When you strongly feel that she has been acting differently, you do not have to attempt to ask her what is wrong with the relationship by self-accusation; for example, if you ask her “Is this my fault?”, “What am I supposed to have done wrong?”, “Am I not good enough?”, or “Don’t I deserve you?”, most likely you will not receive any correct answer; what is worse, she will feel more annoyed. A secure way is to briefly ask and show your presence, for example, you might say “Is everything well with you? I’m always here for you as long as you need it”.
When your wife says that she needs space, maybe she feels that you are too insecure in the relationship, she may have grown tired of reassuring you that everything is fine. Understandably, it must be emotionally draining for a woman if she has to manage an insecure man who often lacks emotional regulation. Therefore, if you realize that you often feel insecure in your married life, you need to change such an unhealthy dynamic that can not set you up for marital happiness.
When you put too much pressure on your wife, your needy or clingy behavior only wears her down, and it easily causes her to go cold or shut down completely even though she is usually a jovial and outgoing woman;
Although neediness is often neglected, this issue tends to become apparent as married life continues. When it becomes too serious, especially in the context of certain unexpected, significant events in her life, she will express the urgent need for space.
The final word：
It must be disappointing and upsetting to hear your wife says that she wants time away from you. However, any long-term relationship is always about the balance between connection and space. From another point of view, time apart is also essential for a partner to develop a better mindset to maintain a long-term relationship. Giving space and letting go of a love relationship does not mean that it will come to an end inevitably, somehow it signifies a fresh start in the near future.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to heal the marriage when you hurt your wife
Pay attention to these signs of an emotionally distant wife.