Do you feel you are in a sexless marriage? Does your spouse consistently show a lack of interest in sex? A sexless marriage can spell a disaster for the future of the relationship, and it is urgent to take action to cope with it, but it is a very complicated issue, and there are many possible reasons behind it. Like many problematic spouses, probably you are also confused and frustrated with your sexless marriage now.
To help you better understand this sexual problem, the following explains what causes a sexless marriage and offers corresponding tips:
1 Familiarity breeds contempt:
Generally, in a sexless marriage, a man thinks he can look right at his woman without seeing her, and meanwhile, the woman also thinks that she can see right through her man without looking at him; and vice versa.
After you have spent many years together, it is quite easy for you to fall into a trap – taking each other for granted. Till now, you must have had sex with your spouse many, many times. It is undeniable that bickering, drudgery and constant togetherness can ruin the passion bit by bit. So, it is necessary to bring a breath of new air into your marriage regularly by mixing things up in life. Surely, it does not mean that you are supposed to bribe your spouse into having sex; for example, some people may choose to jump through hoops to get their partners in the mood, while some others may attempt to over-commit themselves in return for having sex with their partners. That’s certainly an unproductive and unhealthy way to spice up a marriage.
Mixing things up means that you both should make some changes; specifically, make joint efforts to reduce the drudgery of everyday life. The main aim of mixing things up is to make each other feel more relaxed and interesting in the relationship, and the improvement of sex life is just one of its side-effects that such changes can bring to your relationship.
More specific tips:
- No need to wait for your spouse to make the first move; first and foremost, focus on changing yourself.
- Regard “mixing things up in life” as an opportunity of self-improvement. Pay attention to things around you that may arouse your interest, such as traveling, sports, learning a new language, music, and arts.
It is worthwhile to seek things that can arouse both you and your spouse’s interest; the more interested and enjoyable you both feel when doing something, the more willing you two will be to have sex later.
2 Your spouse may have health problems:
This kind of problem is tricky but often results in a miserable sex life. If one partner has a mental or physical ailment, or if one partner just feels ill, it can be a serious barrier to sex life. However, a lot of spouses deliberately cite “health problems” when that is not the reason, and there may be another issue like contempt, low sex drive, resentment, or loss of attraction. If your spouse always has a headache whenever you want to have sex, the odds are that he/she just wants to placate you in that way. Though, if your spouse has a history of diagnosable diseases, that should be a whole different story.
When your spouse does have a serious, chronic illness, the associated sexual problems also need to be resolved through sufficient communication as well as changes of ways you have sex; for example, you may try different routines or positions to make sex enjoyable.
More specific tips:
- Be open and honest with each other about health issues. However, if your spouse’s reasons of not having sex are often all sorts of health issue that sounds like a brush-off, it is better to tell him/her that you want to understand his/her innermost feelings and have a conversation in an honest, open, and non-judgmental manner, whether or not he/she is troubled by health problems.
- If it is indeed a severe health problem that gets in the way of your sex life, ask your spouse whether he/she is open to talking with a doctor about his/her health problems.
3 Your spouse man harbor resentment towards you:
Emotional baggage has a way of blowing away the sexual spark. Over a lot of years of being married, resentment from different sources may have accumulated between you. Those sources are very complicated and may be associated with financial problems, lies, cheating, feelings of not being respected or appreciated, and many other past issues. Some of them are hard to overcome because they have already become deep-seated. However, you should have confidence that resentment from the past can be resolved through honesty and open communication. In this situation, you have to learn to calmly accept a fact – everyone inevitably has faults and failures. And to let go of old resentments, you might make the first step – understand your spouse’s position on a deeper level and admit the mistakes that you have ever made.
More specific tips:
- In our married life, a lot of resentment is caused by trifling matters. By keeping communication and being honest with each other, such resentment can be cleared.
- To help your spouse work through his/her resentment towards you, you should also learn to let go of the unpleasant past that you may have resented in your relationship. The past can keep you imprisoned if you don’t learn to let go of the painful memories and look forward. It is always not easy to release your emotional baggage, but keeping it will only hinder you from achieving a happy marriage life.
For more tips on how to deal with resentment in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
4 Different sex drives:
If your sex life has been somewhat “sexless” all the time, there is a possibility that your sex drives are not compatible. In a lot of marriages, some people may have a low sex drive while their spouses have a relatively high sex drive. When a spouse always has a much higher libido than the other in daily life, sexual problems are bound to arise. The sexual desire disparities can cause one spouse to feel pressured while the other one feels neglected in a marriage.
In some cases, mismatched sex drives are quite difficult to solve; it may result in cheating or disintegration of a marriage. However, there are a variety of things that a spouse can do in daily life that can help boost the other’s sex drive and enhance sexual life, like below:
More specific tips:
- In addition to drugs, the low drive spouse may consider exercises, foods, and supplements that help increase sex drive.
- No matter how low a spouse’s sex drive is, there should still be some things that can make him/her turned on.
If you are a wife who wants to turn on your husband, you might go on to read the post below:
How to turn on your husband again – Arouse your husband.
5 Loss of physical attraction:
When you remain mystified by what causes a sexless marriage, you had better reflect on yourself objectively first, face up to a problem – whether you have been no longer so sexually attracted to your spouse like before.
This should be one of the most probable reasons why you live in a sexless marriage; after years together, numerous spouses start to let themselves go, rather than keep putting a high value on their physical attraction in front of their significant halves; specifically, they may develop a habit of overeating and no longer care about the management of their weight, they may no longer put a lot of thoughts into their dresses in front of their spouses, they may no longer pay much attention to personal hygiene, and so on. In fact, in any interpersonal relationship, overlooking personal physical appearance is not to a person’s advantage.
After years of marriage, numerous couples are inclined to enter an erroneous zone – they think that their relationships have become very stable and that there is no need to “win over” their spouses. Probably, you have also taken such an attitude toward your marriage life consciously or unconsciously. However, you have to understand one thing – you should not cease to make efforts to work for your spouse on the way to maintaining a happy marriage, these efforts should also include maintaining your physical attraction for your spouse.
Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, would you feel offended if your spouse was no longer willing to look nice for you? Especially if your spouse gets into an ego battle against you when you are talking about this issue, would you feel offended by his/her statements like “I have no time for this”, “I am too busy, don’t ask for trouble”, “there is no need to look nice for you”, and “I do not need to be reminded of my appearance”.
Therefore, after you got married, it is essential to alter your ego; and come to realize that being attractive to your spouse is a thing that needs to be insisted throughout your marriage life, as long as you want to keep your spouse happy in your marriage.
In this monogamous relationship, your spouse only gets to make love with you. To some extent, your unwillingness to work on your appearance can be considered selfish behavior.
Now you must understand why improving your appearance makes sense for your marriage. Furthermore, a pleasing or attractive appearance is also a manifestation of a person’s strong self-confidence; and a man is easily attracted by a self-confident woman.
More specific tips:
- The words like “I have no time to exercise” are more of an excuse. There are a variety of effective fitness exercises that just require you to spend several or tens of minutes several times a week, and most of them also have low requirements for the location.
- Sometimes dressing better is not difficult, wearing some new clothes can give your spouse a brand-new feeling after you have got used to wearing old clothes in front of him/her.
- Maintain good personal hygiene by regularly grooming, showering, shaving, and so on.
- Notice what your spouse finds interesting, and try to incorporate those things into your daily life. If you don’t have clues of what can arouse your spouse’s interest, don’t be ashamed of directly asking what he/she likes.
The final word:
In a marriage, sex should not be simply regarded as a kind of hedonistic greed or physical pleasure, and it is more about affection, the intimacy between husband and wife. Sex can validate whether spouses feel fully loved and satisfied. To a large extent, constant sexual rejection should be treated as a form of emotional abuse that will only destroy a relationship and create feelings of failure in the hearts of one or both spouses.
No matter what the reason for your sexless marriage, it is a long-standing and stubborn problem, and you should be mentally prepared to spend considerable time and effort in dealing with it. Remember, reduced sex drive is a normal issue that can affect a couple at some point; this sexual problem may not be as severe as you think, as long as you can develop a mutual desire to solve it.
Surely, there are many other reasons for what causes a sexless marriage; and when you feel like a roommate in a marriage, don’t assume that your spouse is no longer interested in having sex; and it is absolutely possible to bring the spark back into the bedroom; if you want more effective advice on how to rekindle the sexual connection with your spouse, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience helping couples survive and thrive in unhappy marriages:
For more tips about how to survive in a sexless marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
How to keep sex alive in your marriage – Common mistakes in bed.