Is your marriage hit by a crisis? In your married life, do you feel like you no longer find simple happiness, and do you just feel miserable with your spouse? Now you wonder whether you should get a divorce.
Divorce means couples have to lose a lot of things that they have got in their previous relationships. Divorce can be expensive. Have you thought thoroughly about the visible and invisible “cost” of divorce? Here, let’s discuss it.
Have you ever thought about the emotional costs of divorce?
Every time you face a marital crisis, you go through an emotional roller coaster, not to speak of divorce. Transitioning from being a member of a couple to a single person is a hard journey that all divorcing people will embark on. Inevitably, divorce will pose a great challenge for the basic sense of personal identity, such as who you were, who you are, and who you will be. A lot of people struggle to redefine themselves after their divorce.
Secondly, divorce is also accompanied by the strong grief of losing a significant half. And it is a tough task to heal the soul after the loss. As we all know, divorced people have more or less psychological scars; and you need to be aware that this type of emotional pain may not be completely healed, no matter how hard you will try to heal it.
From the day we are born, we attach to other people. Wherever there is attachment, there will be loss ultimately. It is no exaggeration to say that all divorcing people will grieve. In all kinds of cases of divorce, the feeling of grief is very complicated; it can be a mixture of a spouse’s raw feelings (e.g. longing, fear, sadness, regret, guilt, love, and anger); those feelings can be both negative and positive, and sometimes contradictory. Generally, in the midst of grieving, people experience typical symptoms of depression, such as low self-esteem, loss of appetite, insomnia, lack of energy, and so on.
Surely, as a result, divorced people may find a way around the unpleasant past by instinct, but this will cast a shadow on their future happiness – of course, divorcing people can go through their challenging post-divorce periods; but the majority of them fail to deal with their emotional pain; in the long run, their capacity for lifelong happiness may be impaired.
Then, let’s talk about the financial costs of divorce:
For the majority of divorcing couples, the financial toll is rougher than the emotional toll. When you and your spouse want to split, you must confront harsh financial realities. Besides the high cost of applying for a divorce (if a couple can not amicably work through their divorce, or if some form of dispute resolution can not help them reach a divorce settlement, a couple may have to hire an attorney; that will greatly increase the cost of divorce); in addition, there can be a series of harsh financial consequences – when one household needs to be divided into two households, there can be a dramatic lifestyle change that will lead to a significant change of daily expenses. Especially if a divorcing couple has already had kids, most likely they will spend much more money on raising kids than before.
Too many people said to themselves, “I have to quit my marriage, I can’t stand it anymore.” But after digging into those financial numbers, they got shocked and wondered whether they could afford the costs. Especially if a divorce involves a complex division of assets, a divorcing couple may fall into a dilemma. As we all know, if a couple has to go to court to divorce, it can take months and even years to complete a divorce process, from filing the divorce petition to finalizing the judgment. Remember that time is also money.
Can a broken marriage become happy again?
You and your spouse ever fell deeply in love. And in the beginning, neither of you two had a clue about some serious problems that would ruin your marriage. If either of you two had a slight inkling of some rough bumps in the road ahead, probably you would be inclined to avoid this long-term committed relationship altogether.
A lot of marital problems that arose in marriages are deeply rooted in events that ever occurred during childhood and teenagehood. In other words, we have already had those innermost needs after our identity was formed, but we may misunderstand those needs generate in our marriages. And how completely those early needs were met can be mirrored in our long-term relationships. If our early needs were not fully met, we may expect our partners to meet them for us – this can be a recipe for disaster. Therefore, serious relationship problems can not be avoided, regardless of any marriage. The majority of married couples will have to deal with difficulties; and at some crucial stage, they will also have to face the decision to divorce or stay married.
At the crossroads of divorce, a lot of people struggle with a false choice – “If I go on to stay in the marriage, we will remain unhappy; if I do not divorce, I can not find happiness again.” Now, do you also have the same thinking? You are not exceptional. Numerous problematic couples also feel unhappy and even miserable in their marriages, but they choose to stick out; and one day, you may be surprised to find many of their unhappy marriages become happy again. Although some cases of divorce are necessary, the majority of marriages can be fixed.
It may be difficult for a problematic couple to face those critical issues that they are struggling with, but research found that the majority of couples who manage to stay together live happier down the road than those couples who opt for divorce.
Probably, you have also heard some individuals express regret about their previous marriages – ultimately, they found that their life did not turn better after divorce; they looked back and complained that they and their ex-spouses should have tried hard to salvage their marriages.
Do you look forward to remarriage after divorce?
If we are always single, sometimes we just feel not secure enough; we all need secure attachments, and this is a part of the human condition. Therefore, if a person fails at his/her first marriage, he/she may consider giving it another chance – remarriage is regarded as another chance at happiness.
In the US, the divorce statistics are very shocking; according to the available data from the U.S Census Bureau, around 50% of first marriages end in divorce; a lot of people assume that the divorce rate for second marriages should be lower than for first marriages; after all, couples who ever divorced should know better that they should cherish their current relationships; however, social statistics in the US show that second marriages have even a higher rate of failure (the rate is estimated at around 67%); moreover, third marriages are found to be more prone to divorce than second marriages (the divorce rate goes up to about 73%); more and more statistics suggest that after first marriages, the more times people get married, the more likely they are to get divorced.
Yes, some people’s life becomes happier after a divorce. However, the related research found that the majority of adults who divorce still do not find happiness – they still have low levels of happiness; divorce does not typically help raise their self-esteem, increase their sense of mastery, reduce their symptoms of depression, and improve their ability to solve tough relationship issues …
Compared with married individuals, most people who divorce have a significantly low level of happiness and relatively much psychological distress. If people choose to divorce to avoid marital problems, they will bring up new conflicts in their new marriages and cause more tension with their new spouses.
Moreover, divorce is never easy to deal with for any family member involved. Therefore, if a married couple has already had children (especially kids), they must be aware that divorce can greatly affect the long-term happiness of their children – within a long period, children can not accommodate themselves to the rapidly changing conditions caused by divorce, the psychological and emotional effects that divorce can have on them can be magnified. In addition, plenty of research found that parental divorce significantly raises children’s likelihood of divorce – For children who have ever experienced parental divorce, they are over twice as likely to get divorced compared with those children of intact families.
How many couples regret divorce?
Although there is not much research covering divorce regret in various cases, related studies conducted in the US and UK found that nearly 80% of people who choose to divorce in the midst of an extramarital affair regret their decision to do so. And according to a survey conducted by Avoo.com (206 men and 254 women were interviewed to share their feelings about their divorce), 32% of men and 27% of women found themselves regretting divorce.
The final word:
Whenever your marriage hits a rough patch, don’t think that divorce can be a good way to solve marital problems; instead, you should be aware that the knot is tied by you and your spouse (don’t attempt to put full blame on your spouse), so you should pluck up your courage to face the tough problems and work together with your spouse.
As explained above, the process of divorce, as well as its aftermath can be devastating, both financially and emotionally. In a lot of cases of divorce, problematic couples intend to improve the chance of achieving a successful outcome by getting divorced and remarried; however, finally, they realize that things go deadly wrong. So you should consider divorce as the last resort option; as long as there is still a faint hope that your marriage can be salvaged, don’t consider divorce.
Generally, serious problems in your marriage should be viewed as a wake-up call that reminds you to work harder on the relationship, rather than take the dirt road leading to divorce.
We all have a similar experience – as our life becomes dull, our attitudes toward life tend to become more negative; to maintain a good mental state and embrace a better life, we need to change our perspective on life in positive ways; the same applies to your long married life; when you are fed up with a variety of problems in your marriage, you need to remind yourself to look at things more positively: would it be better if you could see those serious problems as a catalyst to examine and strengthen your relationship significantly? And would it be better if you could be honest with yourself and take the responsibility for the contribution to the marital problems?
When we are bored with something that we have to do every day, we may just repeat the same pattern even though we know the pattern is not good; probably in your married life, you also have a similar experience – probably you have known that you always repeat some mistakes or some unfavorable patterns, but you feel so bored and tired in your marriage, you choose to stop investing in your relationship, and you do not make needed changes. In your spouse’s mind, you have become unwilling to be a better version of yourself in the relationship; no doubt, if you still want to save the marriage, you need to squash your negative thoughts and use practical actions to show your sincerity;
A marriage may shipwreck when a marital crisis strikes, but devastation can be avoided – emergency tactics are needed to save it. For more marriage-saving tips, you might read the page below to adopt more suggestions from Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to remain happily married with your spouse.
How to avoid divorce after separation – Save the broken marriage.
Common factors leading to divorce – Marital flaws and problems.