The big hikes in prices and slow wage growth often put us under increased financial stress. And especially after you get married and have an ever-growing family, you can find it easy to run out of your money, and you can easily feel that money makes a mess of your marriage from time to time. Financial stress is one of the most destabilizing factors in a marriage. A marriage may fail or falter due to overwhelming financial stress. And when financial stress is hurting your marriage, you should make positive changes to steer your relationship back on the right financial path.
If you are confused about how to deal with financial stress in a marriage, here are 7 tips:
(1) Have a family budget:
A detailed budget can give a person a sense of control over money, thereby reducing worry about money; and it helps you make the most use of your hard-earned money. However, the word “budget” seems to be scary or boring if you have never created one before; like many spouses, maybe you also think a family budget is full of restrictions, and you just don’t like to be restricted by various rules, and hence you have not worked out a feasible budget before.
And maybe after you get married, you are still inclined to think a family budget is like a prison. Yet, from another point of view, spending money without scientific planning can easily result in the unnecessary loss of money; instead, a good family budget helps you manage limited money more effectively and rationally, hence you will feel more financially free. A good family budget not only makes the family’s financial needs well known in advance but also helps make the money reflect its more values without being distracted by other unnecessary things.
A family budget can not make you money but can help you save money. It is not so hard to have a budget for your household finances, although it takes some time to develop a sustainable family budget that works for both sides; anyway, ultimately you can greatly benefit from taking such a proactive and pronounced approach to controlling your finances;
In a word, when it comes to how to deal with financial stress in a marriage, an essential step should be to develop a practical financial plan and stick to it.
(2) Don’t fight about control and power:
In a lot of spouses’ minds, money equates to power in marriage; and the spouse who makes the most money should hold the balance of that power. This deep-rooted notion is particularly prevalent in traditional marriages. And in some cases, marital disputes over money are not about the real issue of money, and they are just a manifestation of a battle for power. Power can eat away at marital happiness over time; when a couple uses money as a means of fighting about power, they are unnecessarily stuck in an endless tug-of-war.
In a marriage, one spouse may make much more money than the other one; in that situation, an allowance can act as a good budgeting tool; however, once a spouse views it as a method of gaining control of the other spouse, it develops into finance abuse and thereby ruins a marriage.
So when you and your spouse get into a fight about money, you might step back and ask yourself whether your real purpose is to fight about money, or control and power.
(3) Don’t catch the unnecessary anxiety:
Financial distress is as much about attitudes and perceptions as it is about the future. For example, maybe your house has devalued a little in recent days, but the house you live in is still the same. I ever talked to a friend; he found himself anxious about seeing his income drop sharply in the future, although he is more than 10 years away from retirement. I asked whether he could do something else to improve the situation. He said “No.” Likewise, a lot of things we are anxious about are just fiction until we made them facts. As we all know, stock portfolios do not lose money until they are sold out.
As the example above shows, sometimes the financial distress may be only psychological. When a couple is unduly worried that things will get worse and that a financial crisis is going to happen, they can’t control fear and anxiety, and they may set an excessively strict limit on their daily spending… Hence, this causes a lot of unnecessary financial stress in a marriage. After all, it is natural for people to feel stressed when they have to face a crisis that is going to come. In such a situation, you should be aware of one thing: life has ups and downs; and if you become too caught up in every fluctuation, inevitably you will feel stressed. And there is a lesson that all the spouses need to learn – find a proper way to control their anxiety in realistic terms.
(4) Improve your spending habits:
The term “habituation” is often heard from social psychologists; this term shows a fact that we human beings (couples are also included) get used to things that we constantly do. By the same token, in daily life, we often buy things out of habit. No doubt, our spending habits make a profound influence on our stress levels.
Due to certain inappropriate consumption habits, we may quickly decide to buy something once we think that it can make us happy or that it can be very useful. However, eventually, we may realize that things are not what we expect. For example, you see the latest model of a car and you are convinced that it can give you great satisfaction and gratification, so you bought it without much forethought, although you have already had a car; but a few months later, your enjoyment level for the car decreases greatly, and its bills that you have to pay monthly make you feel stressed. That is also true with other items (e.g. furniture, toys, and clothes). And everyone more or less has irrational and unhealthy spending habits like this.
When you decide to improve your spending habits, there is one thing you should know well: more often than not, once you have owned an item, it rapidly loses its capacity for increasing your enjoyment. Material needs are more easily fulfilled than spiritual needs, but the feeling of satisfaction that material things give you easily wear off, and excessive material needs are also apt to cause unnecessary financial stress. So, you might consider investing more money in self-development, not stuff. For example, you might attend interesting classes or develop more hobbies.
(5) Have a blow money category:
Probably you overlook one budget category – “blow money category”. Or, probably, you look upon it merely as an unnecessary category. But it plays an important role in maintaining a long-term financial budget. The blow money is also referred to as pocket money or fun money. It can be a safety net for your monthly and yearly budget.
A blow money category to a family budget is just like a work-free day to work. By enjoying the work-free day, we can relax our minds and bodies so that we can better work later.
Without the blow money category, a budget is easy to be regarded as negative and restrictive work. An extremely strict budget is simply having a clear plan as to what you should spend money on, and then completely following through on the plan. Surely, when it comes to financial management, you can hugely benefit from strict discipline in daily life. However, when your family’s financial management is too stringent, it is difficult to feel motivated to stick to the plan for a long time, not only because of lack of excitement and passion but also because it is human nature that sometimes we just want to relax and be spontaneous. For example, sometimes you just want to have an ice-cream cone or go out to have a big meal, although it is not in the budget.
You both need to get a certain allotted amount of money that you can spend on whatever you would like when you and your spouse are budgeting together. As to blow money, the two of you might reach an agreement that you both do not have to justify how you blow your respective money, as long as it does not exceed its amount; for example, when your spouse wants to get a pedicure, it’s OK. Or if you want to buy a TV subscription, that should also be fine.
(6) Prepare an emergency fund:
It is always necessary to set aside some amount of money to cover unexpected expenses as well as financial emergencies. For example, although repairing a car is stressful and expensive, if you know you have enough money in your emergency fund to cover the expense, you will feel at ease or at least not pressured to repair your car, so things can continue as planned, and a lot of unnecessary financial stress can be avoided.
To make sure you have enough extra money ready to cover unexpected emergencies that may suddenly crop up, you are advised to deposit at least $1000 in your current bank account. And if possible, put away at least 3~6 months’ worth of expenses.
It is not easy to build an emergency fund from scratch, especially if you always struggle to make ends meet every month. But as long as you want to do it, there is always a way to get through it. For example, you might start by depositing a small amount into your bank account from each paycheck, whether it’s $1 or $100; and you might transfer any leftover money from certain categories at the end of each month so that the emergency fund can be built up bit by bit, or you might consider selling some unused items to build up the cash quickly.
It can not be stressed enough: financial stress in a marriage can be alleviated after a couple has established the emergency fund to protect them as well as their family.
(7) Learn to compromise:
There are times when disagreements about how to use money strain your marriage. In that situation, you should learn how to solve problems through compromises. After all, men and women can differ greatly in financial goals and money management styles; but anyway, marriage requires couples to work as a team. So you need to seek common ground while reserving differences on financial issues.
In particular, most couples have to face a financial hurdle – the spender-saver dilemma. In a relationship, there can be one party who enjoys spending money, and meanwhile, the other one tries to pinch pennies. If you and your spouse are also often torn between spending and saving, you two should find a healthy balance. If you have no idea what you can do to maintain peace and harmony in such a financial situation, you might grasp the 3 basic principles below:
- Embrace who you are:
It is hard to turn a saver into a spender and vice versa. So, you do not have to focus on trying to change your spouse. Instead, you should commit to working together on the family budget to decide where you will spend your money ultimately and how much you will save each month.
- Work together toward common goals:
A good way to build financial harmony is to find common financial goals and work towards them. You two might write down a list of your top 5~10 financial goals individually, then bring the two lists together to see where your goals overlap or where you two can compromise on your differences. This not only helps you reset your saving/spending goals but also helps you realign your values with your spouse’s.
- Communicate openly:
A lot of disagreements about money as well as financial surprises arise from a lack of communication. And talking about money regularly helps maintain a healthy financial relationship. To facilitate those conversations, if you are more of a spender, you might keep track of your receipts and share with your spouse the items that you want to purchase. And if you are more of a saver, you might actively offer your spouse the general overview of the recent financial situation of the family, and keep your spouse up-to-date with those expenses that you two need to work on.
The final word:
In a marriage, savvy money management requires planning, dedication, and teamwork. It is normal for couples to experience financial stress in marriage at some point, yet how to deal with it can make a tremendous difference in the long-term health of a marriage. No doubt, constant financial stress is a sign of low marital satisfaction, and it implies that something is wrong with a marriage.
If you realize that financial stress is killing your marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to manage finances in a marriage – Couples’ financial management.
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
How to survive a stressful marriage – Deal with marital stress.
4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.