Why effective communication is so important to marriage:
Solid communication is a key element of a long-lasting marriage. On the contrary, bad communication patterns (e.g. yelling, blaming, or avoidance) tend to wreck the relationship with your spouse.
If you wonder how to have effective communication in marriage, you might take some minutes to read the tips below:
(1) Learn to actively listen:
To make your spouse listen to you, first, you should learn to actively listen to him/her. You may have to admit a fact – sometimes when you are listening to your spouse, actually, you are not fully present and tuned in to what your spouse is saying to you. At that moment, maybe your attention focused on other issues that were going on in your life, or you were badly affected by negative emotions (yours, his, or both). In the course of casual conversations, especially in the heat of the moment, you may get impatient with your spouse and couldn’t resist chipping in a few comments (rebuttal, defensive statements, etc) while he/she is still talking, rather than wait him/her to speak to finish; in return, your spouse also tends to feel bored with your talk.
Again, just expect to be treated in the same way you treat your spouse.
On the other hand, “active listening” involves making joint efforts to slow down each other’s speech and be an attentive listener with an open mind. Surely, doing this is not as easy as talking about it. In daily life, sometimes we are just not in mood to listen openly and deeply; maybe you have ever done this thing too – one day you couldn’t be bothered to listen to what your spouse was saying although he was speaking to you seriously, then you chose to postpone the discussion or even turn around immediately.
Anyway, active listening plays a crucial part in building effective communication in marriage, it is a communication skill that you have to grasp sooner or later.
(2) Learn to share feedback:
Sharing feedback is another way to take the communication one step further. It means restating what you have heard your spouse said. This helps your spouse feel heard. Sharing feedback is a therapeutic communication technique that doesn’t drastically change a conversation dynamic. More specifically, it does not matter whether you agree with your spouse’s opinion or not, sharing feedback just lets your spouse feel that you have tried your best to realize what he/she means and that you are trying to be fully transparent with him/her. For example, you might say to your spouse “Are you telling me that…”, ”Are you trying to…”, ”You mean you are going…” … and you might also add a sentence at the end of your statement, like “Do I understand this correctly?”
(3) Make more “I” statements to replace “You” statements:
Remember to express your feelings by using more “I” statements, such as “I feel”, “I want”, and “I need”. Why?
An “I” statement or “I” message is a communication style that focuses on your thoughts instead of thoughts or characteristics that you attribute to your spouse. For example, you may say to your spouse, ”I feel worried and abandoned when you stay out too late without calling” rather than complain, “Why do you always stay out so late at night?” “I” statements enable you to be assertive but not aggressive, which naturally makes your spouse feel less defensive during the conversation. The correct use of “I ” statements helps foster effective communication in marriage because you will get closer to each other on an emotional level through sharing thoughts and feelings in an open and honest manner.
(4) Avoid unnecessary mind-reading:
In your married life, what does “mind-reading” mean? It means that you may have become habituated to making assumptions about your spouse’s intentions according to your biased perspective. If you always could accurately anticipate your spouse’s wants, needs, and desires, your married life should be truly satisfying. But probably, it is often frustrating for your spouse to realize that you act as if you know him/her better than himself/herself. Actually “mind-reading” often provides couples misinformation that further results in marital conflicts as well as substantial relationship rifts.
Mind reading can be thought of as a useful form of communication, but it is not the most efficient form. Why? As we all know, parents always encourage children to communicate their thoughts and feelings through words as well as actions, and have you seen a parent can mainly rely on mind-reading to correctly understand children’s psychology? No doubt, marriage is a multi-factored relationship, and a marital relationship is much more complicated than a parent-child relationship.
Almost no people can believe the myth that one person can accurately read the other one’s mind all the time. However, in many unhappy marriage relationships, one spouse often unquestionably believes what he/she assumes about his/her spouse to be true; and ask yourself whether you have ever said the words to yourself in your heart: “I just know him/her well…”
Again, if mind-reading is so powerful, why do we have to resort to highly developed speech skills to make sure of the correct delivery of messages in daily communication?
(5) Describe your feelings instead of attacking with them:
Your demeanor can influence your spouse’s willingness to continue to communicate with you. When you raise your voice, adopt a sneering tone, employ biting sarcasm, or withdraw into cold hostility, you wound your significant other. Especially when you suddenly speak in a cutting tone during communication, your spouse will inevitably feel physically hurt at that moment. Therefore, try your best to speak in an even tone and stay calm during the entire conversation with him/her.
But sometimes, it is almost unavoidable to generate negative emotions or bad feelings about some critical issues; in that case, you need to learn how to release them in a positive way. One good idea is to straightforwardly discuss those things that are bothering you, and just focus on giving a detailed description of what you feel about them. In doing so, your spouse can learn exactly how you feel without being bludgeoned or overwhelmed. Here are some specific examples you might use:
- “I feel jealous while noticing you texting your ex.”
- “I feel a little disrespected when you call me names to my face.”
- “I feel some kind of sad when you shout to me.”
(6) Avoid personal criticism:
Nobody enjoys being criticized. Criticism not only puts your spouse on the defensive but also significantly inhibits the process of his/her listening; moreover, it can further escalate anger and hurt in marriage.
Usually, criticism can trigger a pointless argument, no doubt, it is not a necessary part of effective communication in marriage; and you must have had a similar experience, like below:
“You get more and more uncomfortable in conversation with your spouse, suddenly you feel that you can’t stand anymore, you instantly change a topic and make a criticism. Upon receiving the criticism, your spouse gets outraged by your notion and starts to attempt to defend himself/herself, and then you keep criticizing your spouse again…, eventually, the topic is turned around to an ongoing debate on each other’s critical comments.”
So, how should you deal with criticism in marriage? Here are some guidelines:
- Declare a truce:
Start by declaring a whole day with no criticizing. In this way, you are more likely to figure out how you become hooked on criticizing.
- Change criticism into questions:
When you get tempted to criticize, you might as well question yourself: “What exactly do I want? I know I don’t accept the current situation, but is the opposite situation what I intend?” And you had better pause the communication before you answer this type of your own questions.
Likewise, when you are being criticized, remember not to immediately attack back or defend yourself. In this situation, try to control yourself; for instance, you might retort: “You look upset, what do you want me to do?”
Surely, it takes work on both sides to avoid personal criticism in marriage. And hence, you two should make concerted efforts to refrain from insults, negative body language, and put-downs.
The final word:
Communication problems can end up frustrating a couple, and they can add to problems that couples are already having. And a lot of causes of divorce are closely related to poor communication between spouses. And effective communication in marriage is not merely a simple information exchange between spouses. The aim is to make each other feel connected in the relationship.
And it is never an easy thing to maintain healthy communication between spouses, and couples have to overcome various barriers in the lines of communication. For more tips on how to reduce communication barriers in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
In short, when you commit to improving communication with your spouse, there are many details you need to attend to, and the tips above are just a small part of them.
Better communication deepens the intimate connection between spouses. And if you want to master more keys to having effective communication in marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it will not only point out those important ingredient that are often missing in communication between spouses, but also teach you how to rebuild a habit of healthy communication into your marriage from the start:
Learn what to say to your spouse – Make your spouse obsess about you again…
Maybe, you are also interested in the related post below:
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage.