The longer you stay in an abusive marriage, the more confused you will feel. First of all, you must be aware that there isn’t any type of abusive relationships that can be happy. And a lot of people don’t realize that their spouses are abusers through and through until the relationship goes too far; anyway, when the majority of people found themselves trapped in abusive relationships, they make the same decision eventually – Leaving the heartbreaking relationship, regardless of the circumstances.
So, how to know if you are in an abusive marriage?
To identify whether you have been in an abusive relationship as early as possible, you are supposed to have an in-depth understanding of the forms of abuse. This is said easier than done. Abuse can exist in a variety of subtle forms, your vision can easily blur when you get too close to such a persistent problem; actually, a lot of spouses have been abused for quite a long time but they haven’t realized it; to recognize those subtle forms of abuse in time, the general advice is to take a backward step to look at it by smuggling yourself back in as a spectator; when you are sensing your spouse’s behavior that makes you feel something depressed, oppressed, or stressful, don’t just let the suspicion about whether he/she is abusing you flash across your mind, instead, immediately ask yourself “ If I am a disinterested observer, will I think that his/her behavior is a bit abusive?”.
Most people seem to take it for granted that abuse just refers to physical abuse. However, abuse is much more than that; the following gives a detailed description of other common forms of abuse in marriage:
- Emotional abuse – Emotional abuse exists widely in unhappy marriages, taking the form of intimidation, humiliation, degradation, and controlling behavior;
- Sexual abuse – Abuse can also be sexual in your marriage in case your spouse forces himself/herself on you without your permission; that is the so-called sexual abuse; so long as sex is unsafe or degrading, that should be regarded as sexual abuse.
- Financial abuse – This form should be the most difficult to spot; in a marriage with financial abuse, the abuser usually asks the part enduring abuse to give up control of his/her finances, the common behaviors of an abuser include taking the abused spouse’s money in his/her hand, limiting the work that the abused does, limiting the abused spouse’s work hours, and not allowing the abused to access to bank accounts. More often than not, the abuser can justify their abusive behaviors by claiming that it is simply how marriage works; but the abuser is wrong and the abused party deserves his/her financial autonomy.
If your spouse has the behaviors like above, be aware that your spouse is acting as an abuser, so don’t make any excuse for him/her. After you fully realize the abusive behaviors in your marriage, it is time to take action to deal with this serious relationship problem.
If you are also in an abusive marriage, what do you need to understand?
Any type of abuse is a manifestation of the abuser’s strong control desire. In an abusive marriage, an abuser attempts to manipulate his/her spouse in all kind of ways, and the abused spouse looks less like the abuser’s spouse and more like one of the abuser’s victims because normally roles of husband and wife are equal, spouses should love and respect each other; yet, sad to say, an abusive marriage is never a relationship of equality, cooperation, and mutual respect between spouses.
The following summarizes the common tactics that an abusive spouse uses to manipulate his/her spouse and exert his/her power:
- Dominance – An abusive spouse constantly feels the need to be in charge of the marriage. Abusers have been conditioned to make decisions for their spouses and families, they may tell their spouses exactly what they want to do and expect their spouses to obey them without any question. In the mind of abusers, they just want their spouses to act as their children, servants, or even their private possessions.
- Humiliation – Whenever the abuser is abusing his/her spouse, he/she will do as much as he/she can to make the abused spouse feel defective or bad in some respects. When the abused takes the abuser’s word on trust (e.g. “You are worthless” ”Nobody else will want you”), the abused will think less about leaving the abusive marriage. Name-calling, public put-downs, shaming, and insults are all the abuser’s common weapons that can erode the abused spouse’s self-esteem and make the abused spouse feel powerless.
- Isolation – To increase the dependence on the abused spouse, the abusive spouse attempts to cut the abused spouse’s connection with outsiders. So, the abuser may keep the abused from seeing friends and family members; what is more, sometimes, the abuser will not allow the abused to go outside unless the abused gets his/her permission (probably the abuser will ask the abused point-blank where to go as well as the reason to go out).
- Threats – An abuser may take advantage of threats to keep the abused from leaving or to terrify the abused into dropping legal charges. In an abusive marriage, an abuser may deliberately threaten to hurt the abused spouse as well as the abused spouse’s pets/friends/family members/children. Even the abuser may threaten to commit suicide or file false charges against the abused.
- Intimidation – In the presence of an abused spouse, an abusive spouse may employ various intimidation tactics to scare the abused spouse into submission, such as making threatening gestures/looks, smashing things, hurting someone around the abused spouse, putting weapons on display, and destroying property. All in all, by exhibiting those threatening behaviors, the abuser aims to send the abused a clear message – “If you disobey me, you have to face a violent consequence.”
- Denial – Almost every abuser is skilled in making excuses for his/her inexcusable behaviors; after an abuser abuses his/her spouse, the abuser should have shouldered the responsibility of his/her behaviors, but he/she gets accustomed to shifting the major responsibility onto irrelevant things or people. For instance, an abusive spouse may put the blame on a bad thing (e.g. a bad day, and a bad childhood) or people around them (e.g. children, and the abused spouse) for his/her violent or abusive behaviors, and meanwhile, he/she may strive to justify his/her abusive behaviors and belittle the negative effects of their behaviors.
One crucial thing you have to fully understand is that you can hardly fix your abusive spouse because he/she is always discontented with the amount of your compassion and love, no matter how much love and compassion you show him/her. And to your dismay, your abuser is inclined to regard your compassion and love as your weakness; the more compassion and love you show him/her, the more likely your abuser will use it against you. When you have to admit to something that can’t change, it is better to get yourself out of it.
Is your spouse’s abuse your fault?
As the victim in your relationship, you should not be blamed for the abuse. And this is a key point to get over an abusive relationship. For many victims in abusive relationships, they are reluctant to change the status of their relationships until their relationships become particularly intolerable. No doubt, it takes a lot of push to make such a change, and probably the push has to take some form of a realization of an abused party.
Anyway, keep in mind that you must stop making excuses for your spouse’s violent and abusive behaviors. Don’t invent poor reasons for your spouse’s abusive behaviors; you may have ever thought that the abuse is associated with your problems, such as your annoying, nagging, or mistakes that you made unintentionally; meanwhile, your spouse may constantly trick you into believing that you deserve the abuse. To make you misunderstand that leaving the marriage is pointless, maybe your spouse has repeatedly said to you that nobody else could accept you. What is more, your spouse may even try to minimize your contact with people outside your relationship (your family and friends may be also included) so that he/she could better keep control over your mind.
But you might as well step back, from the point of view of an observer instead of a party concerned, you will better understand that a spouse should not be controlled, humiliated, hit, or taken advantage of due to various absurd reasons.
The abusive behaviors are a manifestation of your spouse’s personality orientation, so ultimately it is not your problem but your spouse’s. Even if you divorce your spouse, you should have good reasons to believe that you can live a happier life.
Why should you consider leaving an abusive marriage?
Systematic abuse erodes you as a person; abusive behaviors can be linked to a wide range of negative outcomes for the abused, such as anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Even if you are an outgoing, friendly, and happy person, the constant abuse can turn you into a withdrawn and reclusive person with low self-esteem; by that time, probably even you will also not recognize the version of yourself who will see your life as hopeless (maybe now you already felt that way). Over time, you may take the point of view of your abuser – You are unworthy of love, and you deserve the abuse and blame.
Although it is still possible to fix your abusive marriage, this thing is quite difficult to do due to underlying, deep-seated psychological issues in your abuser; most likely, the harder you try to fix the relationship, the more confused and desperate you feel; you may feel as if you are a hamster that is running on a wheel, depleting your energy but going nowhere. Surely, as regards the question – Is it worthwhile to save an abusive marriage or not? you can have your opinion.
Apart from all that, an abusive relationship is very likely to eat away at a lot of your happiness, instead of you having him/her be a happy, joyous, respectful, and loving partner. We all desire to have a life that is filled with fond experiences and memories that we can recall instead of a lifetime of mistakes, regret, and misery. What you make of your life is up to you, so you might ask yourself how you wish to live your marriage life. And if you have the thought of leaving your abuser, you might go on reading.
How to get out of an abusive marriage:
If you have a similar experience as the description above, you may prepare yourself to safely leave the abusive marriage.
Understandably, leaving an abusive marriage is a difficult decision for you; after all, you have already been deeply connected with your spouse, and you are reluctant to leave your family as well; but in case you admit that the harmonious relationship is already gone forever, you have to have the courage to leave your abusive marriage.
Leaving an abusive marriage is rarely an easy thing because of the disturbance from an abusive spouse; if you wonder what to do to leave the abusive marriage, the following are some basic tips:
(1) Document everything:
This measure is important especially if you have children – One day this can be used as direct evidence to ensure that you and your children can both receive adequate protection. By the way, a lot of abusers are always good to the people outside of the marital relationship; and if your spouse is also like them, don’t nurture the illusion that one day your spouse will treat you well like treating others; only after you dispel such an illusion, you will take more actions to protect your family from abuse. You can simply do this work like writing your journal entries, but it is essential to describe and date every instance of abuse. Surely, audio and video recordings can be regarded as more concrete evidence.
In case you have experienced physical abuse that causes visible manifestations (e.g. cuts and bruises), you had better seek medical attention and take photos in time – The medical records can be an available and effective form of documentation that helps you gain an advantage of the law.
Keep all your evidence in a place of safety, preferably in a place where you can store away from your spouses, such as your friend’s home, or your workplace. Certainly, if you are scared for your life with him/her, you should immediately get out and seek legal help. As long as you have acted in this way, a restraining order against you abusive spouse is more likely to be issued after the divorce proceedings end; no doubt, you will find favor judicially, you will gain a greater advantage of policy and law over your spouse in winning child custody, and even your evidence may be enough to put your abusive spouse in jail.
(2) Set apart some money:
It is of particular necessity if your abusive spouse controls your finances, or if you have little or no work experience. You have to recognize a cruel fact – Most abusive marriages end in divorce. And if you don’t set some money aside in advance, one day when you have to run away from home at midnight, probably you will be left with nothing.
If your abusive spouse controls your finances tightly, you can hardly save some money every month. But anyway, try your best to put aside your money. It should be not too late to start to stash away some money for emergency use.
If you have been out of work for a long time, or if you can’t find a job due to lack of work experience, a wise strategy for you is to build up some job skills that can give you financial support. Even though you can’t go out regularly to get a job, don’t overlook some job skills that you can learn from professional books; in short, be prepared to get a source of income.
It is better to be a bit conservative about this issue. If you plan to leave, try to put enough money aside for at least 4 weeks worth of expenses. After all, it will take you a long time to free your money from your spouse legally through the court.
In a nutshell, don’t let finances hinder you from leaving an abusive marriage; so, from now on, financially prepare in advance for separating from your abusive spouse.
(3) Pack an emergency bag:
Before leaving an abusive marriage, make sure you have had the capacity to leave your abuser at short notice. To do this, it is very necessary to pack an emergency overnight bag that contains things needed for daily use, such as toiletries, money, clothing, a daily medication that you use, and spare keys. Maybe in emergencies, you also need to take your legal documentation (e.g. your social security card, and birth certificate) with you. So you should prepare beforehand for it; otherwise, if you pack your bag in haste by hurrying to search for necessary items for leaving, you can easily miss something that you need while you are away from home.
Hide such a bag somewhere that can’t be found by your abuser, or you may consider storing it at your workplace or friend’s home.
Abuse is difficult to exactly predict, and sometimes an abuse incident can escalate to a life-threatening event – In such a situation, you need to immediately get out and seek help from the police. In case things come to such a state, your prepared emergency bag will also do for the time being.
(4) Keep your decision quiet:
Voicing the fact that you want to leave may easily put your abuser on edge, thereby resulting in more abuse. To leave peacefully, make sure you have a comprehensive plan that can put your affairs in order; no doubt, you should have enough quiet time to think and plan without interruption. So, except those people who always give you a solid base of support, there is no need to confide in someone else about your secret thoughts of leaving; in brief, avoid making your abusive spouse angry about your “escape plan”. Usually, leaving without a fuss can be considered as irresponsible behaviors, but leaving an abusive marriage is worth doing; it receives little moral condemnation of people, on the contrary, most people will give support to or at least sympathize with you after knowing the fact.
(5) Leave and disengage:
Lastly, the safest way to handle an abusive relationship is to leave the abuser altogether. This is more than leaving your marriage physically, but disengaging from your spouse. If you decide to take this option, you are advised to not to come back to your abuser anyhow, don’t give him/her any chance to make excuses; admittedly, in some cases of abuse in marriage, eventually an abuser can return to an abused with flowers and sincere apologizes, the abused spouse forgives the abuser and becomes reconciled to the abuser; but most of the time, the abuser feels more anger and resentment towards the abused; after getting the abused back home, he/she gets control back and seeks revenge, as a result, the situation becomes much worse.
Therefore, if you have left your abuser, no need to regret the hard decision to leave that you have already made.
Do whatever you could to keep your abusive spouse away from you, including changing your phone number, blocking him/her on social media, or even filing a restraining order. Remember: your abuser has hurt you again and again, you are sure he/she intentionally hurts you and that he/she does not intend to stop or change. If you let him/her go on to have his/her way, the situation just tends to get worse and worse.
Furthermore, if you have sensed a dangerous threat before leaving and you are afraid of a possible further escalation of violence in the heat of the moment, pay particular attention to pick the leaving time – Make sure your abuser doesn’t realize that you are leaving. While you are leaving, remember to turn off your phone or avoiding answering his/her phone.
Again, if you always fear that leaving is a life-threatening thing, don’t feel troublesome to call the police to help escort you out.
In an abusive relationship, the victims suffering from abuse are usually encouraged to leave, disengage, let the past go and start afresh.
The final word:
In most situations where a marriage is at risk, married couples are supposed to focus on how to save the marriage life, but leaving an abusive marriage is an exceptional situation. Maybe, you still insist on living your marriage life with your abuser although you feel pressured to stay in the marriage; maybe you know well that abusive marriages should not be addressed by the abused party, but you look forward to your abuser’s spontaneous changes, and you still believe that you should be faithful to your spouse (you still strictly obey the wedding vows in which you both have promised to stay together for the whole life for better or for worse in your marriage, so you choose to tolerate the abuse and view it as a part of your marriage). But regardless, you should know very well that you should try to live your best life.
For more tips on how to deal with the abusive marriage, you might go on to read the page below:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.
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