Good sex is a necessary part of a healthy long-term relationship; as a husband, you should not initiate a separation voluntarily or act as if you are also not interested when your wife becomes disinterested in sex; instead, you should try your best to solve relationship issues before losing hope for the marriage.
If you talk to a considerable number of men who have already been married and ask them about sexual intimacy, probably they will also tell you that their marriages become sexless because their women do not seem interested anymore; I bet you have also tried a lot of time to initiate physical contact, but you have gotten rejected by your wife again and again; her rejection makes you feel unappreciated, undesirable, and even frustrated; if things go on like this, in addition to the marital affairs that you may not accept currently, you will also stop your attempt and have to seek other sexual experiences (e.g. watching adult movies, and masturbation) to meet your own sexual needs; then you two will become non-sexual roommates;
Is it normal for your wife not to be interested in you sexually?
Now you have encountered a problem that you have never had in the early days of your marital bliss: your wife has no desire for sexual intimacy with you; you get frustrated about it; currently, you are inclined to think that she has fallen out of the love; but if you still feel everything is normal except sex life, you do not have to jump to the worst conclusion directly; after all, your wife’s libido can fluctuate for a lot of reasons; some reasons may even be not pertinent to you; in addition, it takes two to tango; so you should also think about what you may have done wrong and what you can do to adapt to the relationship status;
Sex life is key to the overall health of a marriage; even in old age, a fulfilling sexual connection contributes to good mental and physical health; sex is crucial to marriage quality; in the minds of the majority of partnered adults, sexual satisfaction is the most important predictor of relationship satisfaction; however, for a number of women, a sense of closeness (you can perceive it as emotional intimacy) is more important than sexual intimacy when they are living with their men;
Despite the importance of sex relationship quality, a lot of married couples still struggle with a sexless life; in a recent survey conducted on 18,000 American adults, nearly 15% of them revealed they had not had sexual life for the last year; and approximately 13% revealed that they had not had sexual life in the previous five years; sexless life has become very common, but it does not mean that problematic couples have to live together in that way; lack of sexual interest can easily cause distress in a long-term relationship; so whenever your wife does not want to have sex, you have to learn how to deal with this problem properly;
If you have been in a sexual rut with your wife, you might keep reading to figure out what may lead to her low sex drive and what you can do to revive the sexual intimacy:
- Sexual dysfunction:
HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder) is a kind of female sexual dysfunction that is very prevalent in women, although it can happen in men too; it involves a constant lack of sexual fantasies and sexual desire, which leads to distress for the individual as well as her spouse.
Although HSDD has been listed as a mental disorder in the American DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), it is controversial; HSDD is very common and normal to some extent, but what can be considered normal varies from cultures and people; a lot of critics point out that pathologizing those related variations can result in shame and unnecessary treatments.
It is also necessary to be aware that your spouse’s sexual response cycle can shift as time passes; in such a case, you have to learn to shift your approach gradually. Specifically, a woman might not have HSDD in the following scenarios:
- She has no or little spontaneous desire, but actually she does experience responsive desire (i.e., although she does not have a spontaneous urge to have sex, she gets aroused when she is aroused sexually, or when presented with the proper context, such as a strong emotional connection, and foreplay);
- She does not want sex as much as you (in other words, you two have greatly mismatched libidos), although she has already shown responsive or spontaneous desire;
After you have tried to figure out why she has a lower sexual desire than she usually has (or maybe a lower sexual desire than you), you will be more likely to recognize that her shift might be normal and that it may be temporary.
- Mental health issues:
Various mental illnesses can be a common risk factor contributing to a woman’s sexual dysfunction, including arousal disorders and low sex drive; the common mental health issues that can cause a woman’s low sex drive include anxiety, depression, stress, poor body image, sexual trauma, and low self-esteem; in addition, chronic medical conditions (e.g. renal failure, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes) can also affect the vascular pathways of a woman’s sexual desire – sexual dysfunction can be one of the mental effects that are related to those health conditions;
- Medication side effects:
As we all know, medications can have unexpected side effects; and a number of medications can indeed cause a woman’s low sexual desire, especially those medications prescribed for women with mental health issues; the common medications known to give rise to sexual side effects include blood pressure medications, antidepressants, epilepsy drugs, chemotherapy drugs, recreational drugs (e.g. nicotine, and alcohol), and migraine medications;
Surely, it is never advisable to stop taking medications without consulting a healthcare professional; therefore, if your wife admits that she might be experiencing some side effects that have affected her libido, it is necessary for her to consult the provider of the medication.
Menopause:
Reproductive hormones like testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen are important for maintaining the sexual function; and menopause can throw a woman’s body’s hormones out of whack immediately; menopause is a physiological condition under which a woman’s ovaries stop generating progesterone and estrogen and the woman stops having menstrual periods; such a transition into menopause (also known as “perimenopause”) happens to women aging from 45 to 55 typically; surely, it can also be later or earlier for a number of women;
The hormonal changes can cause a series of uncomfortable symptoms like hot flashes, vaginal dryness, poor sleep, irritability, and low libido.
So if your wife is in the menopausal age, you might consult a gynecologist to devise a treatment plan to meet her physiological needs; that kind of treatment plan may include a combination of therapies, lifestyle changes, and hormonal medications.
Relationship issues:
Various relationship issues like parenting disagreements, emotional/physical infidelity, lack of intimacy, and unresolved conflicts could contribute to her low sex drive.
According to a survey conducted on postmenopausal women with low libido, their men’s erectile dysfunction is also a major factor; a lot of women explained that if their men could not maintain an erection and keep hard for long enough, they can hardly reach orgasm, then they will view sex as unsatisfying and will be reluctant to have sex in the future; moreover, when they found that their men become frustrated due to the ED symptoms, they are not satisfied with the sex life and their sexual interest declines significantly;
Is your wife not in the mood for sex anymore? What’s going on?
When your wife is always not in the mood for sex, you start to feel insecure; you wonder what causes her lack of desire; probably now you ask yourself repeatedly whether you have done something wrong or whether she has loved someone else; surely, sometimes a variety of relationship issues may play a part in her lack of desire, but more often than not, it is not your fault;
Is it normal for your wife not to be interested in you sexually?
Now you have encountered a problem that you have never had in the early days of your marital bliss: your wife has no desire for sexual intimacy with you; you get frustrated about it; currently, you are inclined to think that she has fallen out of the love; but if you still feel everything is normal except sex life, you do not have to jump to the worst conclusion; after all, your wife’s libido can fluctuate for a lot of reasons; some reasons may even be not pertinent to you; in addition, it takes two to tango; so you should also think about what you may have done wrong and what you should do to adapt to the relationship status;
Sex life is key to the overall health of a marriage; even in old age, a fulfilling sexual connection contributes to good mental and physical health; sex is crucial to marriage quality; in the minds of the majority of partnered adults, sexual satisfaction is the most important predictor of relationship satisfaction; however, for the majority of women, a sense of closeness (you can perceive it as emotional intimacy) is more important than sexual intimacy when they are living with their men;
Despite the importance of sex relationship quality, a lot of married couples still struggle with a sexless life; in a recent survey conducted on 18,000 American adults, nearly 15% of them revealed they had not had sexual life for the last year; and approximately 13% revealed that they had not had sexual life in the previous five years; sexless life has become very common, but it does not mean that problematic couples have to live together in that unhealthy way; lack of sexual interest can easily cause distress in a long-term relationship; so whenever your wife does not want to have sex, you have to learn how to communicate with your wife about this problem.
In the next section, let’s discuss what might lead to your wife’s lack of sexual desire and how to help her:
- Sexual dysfunction:
HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder) is a kind of female sexual dysfunction that is very prevalent in women, although it can happen in men too; it involves a constant lack of sexual fantasies and sexual desire, which leads to distress for the individual as well as her spouse.
Although HSDD has been listed as a mental disorder in the American DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), it is controversial; HSDD is very common and normal to some extent, but what can be considered normal varies among cultures and people; a lot of critics point out that pathologizing those related variations can result in shame and unnecessary treatments.
It is also necessary to figure out that your spouse’s sexual response cycle can shift as time passes; in such a case, you have to learn to shift your approach gradually. Specifically, a woman might not have HSDD in the following scenarios:
(a)She has no or little spontaneous desire, but actually she does experience responsive desire (i.e., although she does not have a spontaneous urge to have sex, she gets aroused when she is aroused sexually when presented with the proper context, such as a strong emotional connection, and foreplay);
(b)She does not want sex as much as you (in other words, you two have greatly mismatched libidos), although she has already shown responsive or spontaneous desire;
After you have tried to figure out why she has a lower sexual desire than she usually has (or maybe a lower sexual desire than you), you will be more likely to recognize that her shift might be normal and that it may also be temporary.
- Mental health issues:
Various mental illnesses can be a common risk factor contributing to a woman’s sexual dysfunction, including arousal disorders and low sex drive; the common mental health issues that can cause a woman’s low sex drive include anxiety, depression, stress, poor body image, sexual trauma, and low self-esteem; in addition, chronic medical conditions (e.g. renal failure, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes) can also affect the vascular pathways of a woman’s sexual desire – sexual dysfunction can be one of the mental effects that are related to those health conditions;
- Medication side effects:
As we all know, medications can have unexpected side effects; and a number of medications can indeed cause a woman’s low sexual desire, especially those medications prescribed for women with mental health issues; the common medications known to give rise to sexual side effects include blood pressure medications, antidepressants, epilepsy drugs, chemotherapy drugs, recreational drugs (e.g. nicotine, and alcohol), and migraine medications;
Surely, it is never advisable to stop taking medications without consulting a healthcare professional; therefore, if your wife admits that she might be experiencing some medication side effects that have affected her libido, it is necessary for her to consult the provider of the medication.
Menopause:
Reproductive hormones like testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen are important for maintaining the sexual function; and menopause can throw a woman’s body’s hormones out of whack immediately; menopause is a physiological condition under which a woman’s ovaries stop generating progesterone and estrogen and the woman stops having menstrual periods; such a transition into menopause (also known as “perimenopause”) happens to women aging from 45 to 55 typically; surely, it can also be later or earlier for a number of women;
The hormonal changes can cause a series of uncomfortable symptoms like hot flashes, vaginal dryness, poor sleep, irritability, and low libido.
So if your wife is in the menopausal age, you might consult a gynecologist to devise a treatment plan to meet her physiological needs; that kind of treatment plan may include a combination of therapies, lifestyle changes, and hormonal medications.
Is your wife not in the mood for sex anymore? What’s going on?
When your wife is always not in the mood for sex, you start to feel insecure; you wonder what causes her lack of desire; probably now you ask yourself repeatedly whether you have done something wrong or whether she has loved someone else; surely, sometimes a variety of issues may play a part in her lack of desire, but more often than not, they are not your fault.
Relationship issues:
Various relationship issues like different life concepts, parenting disagreements, emotional/physical infidelity, lack of intimacy, and unresolved conflicts could contribute to her low sex drive.
According to a survey conducted on postmenopausal women with low libido, their men’s erectile dysfunction is also a major factor; a lot of women explained that if their men could not maintain an erection and keep hard for long enough, they can hardly reach orgasm, then they will view sex as unsatisfying and will be reluctant to have sex in the later future; moreover, when they found that their men become frustrated due to the ED symptoms, they are not satisfied with the sex life and their sexual interest declines significantly.
Stress:
All kinds of stress is also a common cause of a spouse’s low sex drive; the stress can originate from finances, work, family, and other factors; compared with men, women’s ability to withstand stress is not so good; so when your wife going through stress, it can be hard for her to get in the mood; so if you realize the cause of her low libido is related to stress, you might share some useful stress management and coping mechanisms to help her ease her depressed mind;
As her man, you might actively try to be a part of the process of dealing with her daily stress; for example, you might voluntarily do more housework and childcare; you might enlighten her when you are sure you have experience in handling the stress that she is suffering from; in other words, if you can not help her cope with her stress, you might go away for a while, and you should give her enough time to think by herself;
Anyway, how to get out of stress depends on herself; your efforts to work on her well-being might be appreciated, and that might reawaken her sexual urge.
Exhaustion:
We all have the similar experience – when we are too tired, sexual intimacy becomes one thing that we struggle with; now your wife may have that kind of experience too; surely, that should not be a good excuse of not having sex with you; if you notice she suddenly gets too tired for sex, you might try to find out what leads to her fatigue; at some point, we all get exhausted from family issues, day-to-day activities, and heavy work; so when she reveals that she is indeed too tired to have sex, you do not have to take it personally.
When you notice your wife is exhausted by something, you might send a kind message, give her a warm shower, or cuddle her without forcing her to give other responses; at that point, the primary thing is to get her in the mood as soon as possible.
There is inevitably some degree of incompatibility in any long-term monogamous relationship; a married couple can not always want sex and romance at the same time; however, as a spouse, you should not lose hope; instead, you might keep trying until your spouse gets the sexual desire back; and the following are some timely tips that may help you get her in the mood for sex:
- Open up to her about your deep concerns over your sex life:
Regardless of the current situation, it is necessary to make time for an open conversation with her about the sexless relationship; when you consider doing this, make sure to pick the appropriate time; you do not have to bring it up quickly after she has rejected your advances, since she may perceive it as an offense, give her enough time to calm down herself; after some time, you might try to find another chance to talk about it; and when she wants to communicate about this serious topic, you two might take turns to speak and listen; in this way, you two are more likely to get to the root of the relationship issue;
- Spice up your romance:
When dealing with the sexual dysfunction, you should not be relentless in your pursuit; that means you should be patient enough with the process and should not stop working on pampering your wife; when she does not want to have sex, inevitably it will take a lot of time to rebuild the emotional connection between you two; and when sleeping with her, you might remind her why she is always your best friend; you can try to do anything to make her feel desired and appreciated; although something old seems outdated, such as sending gifts, and arranging a date night, it still works;
In addition, compliments go a long way towards spicing up romance in a love relationship; it may have been a long time since you compliment her on her persona, dress, and look; maybe, you no longer get used to sneaking in kisses and cuddles, but this still works even though she also does not look affectionate like before; have you felt that your sex life becomes a dull routine task? If so, probably you have neglected that foreplay is always an essential part of a sexual encounter for women; remember, good foreplay plays a positive part in getting her in the mood for sex.
- Improve yourself:
When your wife does not want to have sex, you should be alert about the loss of attraction to your wife; especially if you have been married for years, it is very likely that you have let yourself go for a long time; in such a case, you need to fix your lifestyle problem; without making significant changes in your lifestyle, you can hardly make her want you again; for example, you ever had a six pack abs, but you just have a heavy belly, you might hit the gym regularly; I guess you cared about your appearance when you fell in love with her, but now you may no longer pay attention to your appearance in front your wife; if so, you might make efforts to look fresh and perky; once your wife realizes that you are making continuous efforts to be a better version of yourself, she will naturally take a different look at you.
One point needs to be stressed in particular – the extremely low sexual interest with you might not sound surprising if she is having an affair with other men; at that stage, her emotional affair can trigger a much higher sexual desire for other men; even though you persuade her to sleep with you, you can sense that she is discomfortable and ambivalent; especially after the emotional affair has developed into an physical affair, in the affairs, she naturally lives in the world of sexual fantasies that she no longer needs to participate in with you; so she will give you a clear no to your request for sex.
- Protect your marriage consciously:
Anytime, you need to remind yourself to protect your marriage from potential/unexpected affairs; it is very normal for cheating women to feel reluctant to have sex with their men after they have an affair; usually they will not be willing to admit their affairs unless their men keep questioning their suspicious behavior; even though it is just an emotional affair, it can easily shatter the mutual trust and leave one spouse feeling betrayed and lost; likewise, have you also had emotional/physical affair? Did you just try to keep it a secret forever? Is it possible that she knows something that you never want her to know? Once she finds you cheating, the desire to have sex greatly decreases.
In fact, a lot of problematic marriages have been salvaged after infidelity; once the infidelity has been found, the cheating spouse and the other one should follow some effective guidelines to repair the relationship; hence, the most urgent thing is that both sides need to work hard to prevent the marriage from future harm caused by infidelity, regardless of who is cheating; marriage is long tough work, and both parties need to put in a lot of efforts to nurture the relationship; in addition to expressing “I love you” regularly, there are many things you should do; you need to be respectful and thoughtful; when you are unsure of your wife’s needs, it is better to directly ask than guessing.
Meanwhile, you should also be transparent about your needs in front of her; being open and honest can encourage her to do the same to you; when you want to share your vulnerability, make sure to turn to your wife instead of someone outside of your relationship; even though you feel the need to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your closest friends, they should not be your first confidant; by the way, do you have a flirty or fun personality? If so, you should not flirt and tease with others; instead, make more time for your wife, have longer conversations, and ask for more dates with her. Likewise, you might ask your wife to do the same as you.
If you find out that your wife has had an emotional affair, she must have already spent a lot of time thinking about the man; this type of feeling doesn’t go away simply, even though she has already decided to end the affair. So give her enough time to move out of the extramarital relationship.
- Prioritize time to connect:
Remember, it takes a lot more to build intimacy than having sex; sex can be regarded as the celebration of your long-term relationship; to make sure you still feel like celebrating during sex, the rest of what you do in your married life should contribute to connection with each other; so you might ask yourself whether you still update each other on necessary things that happen in your daily life, whether you make navigate conflict and make important decisions as a married couple… probably, you have already no longer prioritized time to connect;
- Prioritize time to play:
Do you feel that the daily stress and dull routine of life has squeezed out the freedom to explore new things together, and even simply laugh together as a couple; in fact, once you graduate from high schools, there seems to be no more daily “recess”; generally, when we are not working, we resort to entertainment instead of playing; although entertainment is not bad, we just often play as spectators instead of active participants in our daily life; probably, you two have not played as a couple for a long time, and you have been stuck in the usual routine;
Research found that trying fresh things like travelling to a new city, trying a new activity/hobby, or eating new food dishes can stimulate a woman’s happy brain chemicals; so if you can try new things with your wife, there is more likelihood for you two to be present with each other rather than zone out; and that kind of thing does not have to be elaborate, it can also be as simple as you can;
In daily life, building sexual intimacy is often in competition with all sorts of little things that interrupt your plans or distract your attention; maybe you two do not have enough time to talk and connect regularly, and you also have to admit that something has already taken away that freedom; so you should remind yourself not to let urgent/trifling/little things crowd out sexual/emotional intimacy in your relationship;
- Foster the sense of connection:
Men and women are quite different when it comes to communication in a love relationship; women tend to connect through emotions, in a woman’s mind, sex is not a necessary part of the connection, and sex is just a fairy natural thing that is associated with intensified emotional experiences; by contrast, men prefer to connect through sex; and you have to accept the solid fact – on average, men have a much stronger desire for sex and much higher frequency of sexual thoughts; so when you find it hard to connect with your wife, why not try to connect in the way that she usually uses; so try to enhance emotional communication rather than talk much about sex; I bet you also find that the more you mention or complain about the current lack of sex, the further she pulls away from you;
Moreover, do not stop developing your common interests and hobbies, this can greatly decrease potential conflict in your relationship and strengthen the connection between you; surely, it is impossible for you to have everything in common; but the more you cultivate shared activities, the more you reinforce the foundation for mutual growth; when you two get too caught up in “finishing your own daily tasks”, you are missing out on opportunities to connect with each other; probably, you two have changed as time passes; you realize that you two no longer have enough interests like before; but you should not forget that marriage should be a life-long journey of discovering new passions together; so you need to make it a top priority to explore various hobbies and activities that you have never tried before; without approaching this goal with a sense of adventure and an open mind, how can you uncover those shared interests that could bring you closer and create more opportunities for mutual growth;
- Respect her boundary:
Anytime your wife feels that you do not have her consent for what you are doing to her, she naturally rejects you;
When it comes to sex, you must respect her boundary and her comfort levels; after all, everyone is quite different, what you want at this point is not necessarily what she wants; try to talk to her about what she is comfortable with as well as what her boundaries are; meanwhile, you can also share with her what you don’t like and what you like; you have to accept the fact – each individual has their own thoughts about sex;
In other words, when your wife is not comfortable with your idea of sex, you might try other alternative things that she would like to do together with you; so just continue to try to talk about things that she might like to try together, and make sure you have her consent before doing those things.
Although marriage is an intimate relationship in which two parties form a unified team, there always exist boundaries between the two parties.
- Discuss your concerns about the sexless life:
It is necessary to make special time for a deep, honest conversation with your wife about the constant lack of sex; make sure to pick the appropriate time to do this; remember, no need to immediately bring it up after she explicitly rejects your advances; otherwise, this will easily be regarded as an offense or attack; instead, just try to find another time when both of you are calm and free;
When talking with her about the serious issue, you should allow her to open up; understandably, her rejection may have caused a lot of your resentment; you feel like you have a lot to say to her; but you need to control you emotions, and don’t engage in one-way monologue; don’t interrupt while she is talking, and don’t attempt to threaten or simply raise the level of your voice to dominate the conversation… this type of behavior is only counter-productive; and it is better to take turns to listen and talk;
Being rejected VS. Feeling rejected:
When you are feeling turned down by your woman, keep in mind that there can be differences between “being rejected” and “feeling rejected”; “feeling rejected” may reflect her feelings about a sexual encounter at that point, instead of her overall feelings about you. Even though your wife has turned you down repeatedly or rejected you sexually for a long period of time (understandably, this relationship issue is super frustrating), this does not mean a statement about her feelings for you, it may only mean her feelings about sex at that relationship phase; to work through it, you must learn to communicate with her about the sex life in an relatively emotionally-safe and open way. No need to take the rejection personally; even if you feel like her sexual rejection is about more than just sex, you should try to communicate your innermost feelings to rule out possible misunderstandings.
Are you the pursuer in the relationship?
A number of wives find themselves in the role of “pursuer”; it is often the case, though, under normal circumstances, that husbands initiate sex more frequently; in general, men tend to experience more spontaneous desire and have much stronger libidos; this means men are more likely to turn their sexy thoughts into actions without much buildup in between; on the flip side, women tend to experience “responsive desire” in their long-term relationships, which means their libidos grow over time in response to their men’s sexy stimuli; for the majority of women, getting in the mood for sex is a lengthy process, just like the process of budding and unfolding of blossoms; being preoccupied, stressed, and tired with other things can hinder the gradual ramp-up of their sexual desires; this can leave the more-sex-ready spouse feeling rejected, especially when they do not want to have sex;
Surely, men are not the only party who feels rejected in marriages; for many married couples, the relationship dynamic cuts in a different direction – sometimes, the wife may want more sex than the husband; in such a case, the desire discrepancy is more challenging and complicated because of the different attitudes about how the sex life is supposed to work and how partners are supposed to feel about it (how to be ready and willing to have sex at a moment); and if the sex life does not go in their expected way, this can leave spouses feeling like something goes wrong with the relationship; so you might reflect upon whether there were times when your wife wants sex but you reject her;
When a woman shoots down her partner’s propositions about sex, her man may quickly take it personally; and she tends to feel pressure to perform any sexual desire that she doesn’t feel to prevent from stirring up conflict and further hurting his feelings; so, you do not have to continue to pursue her when you realize your wife does not want to have sex at the moment ;
Final world:
All long-term relationships kick off with a commitment to love, trust, and sexual pressure; over time, one casual date leads to two, three, and a few more dates lead to a long-term relationship; after marriage, it is common for men to expect sex life to remain the same, if it can not get better; few men consider the possibility of staying in a sexless marriage.
For more tips, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping couples survive and thrive in unhappy marriages:
Learn what to say to your wife – Make your wife obsess about you again…
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