Inevitably, every married couple experiences a wide variety of conflicts. And your husband may also do something annoying now and then.
When your husband irritates you, you should be aware of the things below:
1 Understand how feeling irritated can hurt your marriage:
Whenever you feel irritated by your husband and you just keep it to yourself, it could be unfair of you to make a judgment about him. The more biased/prejudiced you are against your husband, the more self-righteous you feel in the relationship, and the more inclined you are to think that you are better than your husband. When you get used to making an unfair judgment about him in your daily life, you easily feel contempt towards him. And contempt can come in a variety of forms; but in whatever form, contempt is toxic to a long-term relationship; why? It conveys superiority and disgust. To avoid falling into this trap, you need to be aware that the long-term, negative consequence of passing unfair judgments on your husband can contribute to the feelings of being disconnected ultimately.
Therefore, when your husband irritates you, you had better take a nonjudgmental stance to avoid misjudgment. For example, you might tell yourself, “Probably this is just his simple way to deal with things, now I do not have to think too much about it”, “His focus may be on other issues besides what I mention”, “I need to be more patient, maybe things are not as bad as I think they will be”, “We should try out best to live and let live”…
2 Recognize your responsibility for the part that you play in the relationship dynamic:
Probably, feeling irritated does not mean that your husband has committed a mistake. After all, sometimes your assessment of how annoying he is is merely based on your subjective perspective and personal judgment, but not necessarily absolute reality; in such a situation, what you judge as annoying can be inconsequential or unimportant.
But anyway, when you feel that exasperation begins to rise, first you should own your feelings and view them as a reflection of your sensitivities. Especially if you think that your husband has done something offensive but he complains that you are too sensitive, you should reflect on yourself first; therefore, you should resist the temptation to blame your husband as soon as you feel irritated or uncomfortable in the relationship; otherwise, that can result in unnecessary suffering for you two later.
3 Be aware that you are also annoying when you are expressing annoyance:
Many times, expressing your annoyance in front of your husband is like declaring war against him. As the war progresses, both sides are increasingly annoyed with each other. Hence, if you are clear that you want to improve the relationship, it is inadvisable to directly express your annoyance because that will only exacerbate a relationship problem by reinforcing those combative aspects of the relationship. Especially when you keep nagging your husband about something bad that he has done, it is quite annoying. For example, when you say words like “I hate how stubborn/stupid you are!”, “You are out of your mind!”, and “Why are you so foolish?”, can you imagine how angry/resentful/bitter he is?
4 Remind yourself that you and your spouse are allies not enemies:
The marriage means that you and your spouse are on the same boat – your alliance is the solid foundation of the long-term relationship. If you insist on dealing with relationship issues from the interests of the team, you are more likely to avoid the vicious cycle of chronic complaints and annoyance that are caused by your selfishness.
If you wonder how to be a good teammate with your spouse, you might follow the basic tips below:
- You had better not talk about secret or sensitive things about your husband in front of other people:
Regardless of your relationship status, you should not demean your husband’s character in front of people outside the relationship; and many times, you should not discuss details of secret or sensitive relationship issues with other people, such as money issues, and his quirks; otherwise, once your husband knows it, he tends to feel that you and your spouse do not function well as a team.
- Make sure you always let your husband know your concerns in time:
Whenever you encounter a serious problem that affects you or the relationship, you should let your husband know it in the first place, rather than keep it secret or just reveal it to other people.
- Maintain open communication:
Nobody can always read other people’s minds correctly. So don’t assume that your husband always knows well what you mean; likewise, you have to admit that sometimes you also can not figure out your husband’s mind; on the other hand, sometimes you think that you have telepathically told your husband to do something, but he does not do it ultimately because he does not see what you mean; hence, when miscommunication between you and your spouse happens, give the benefit of doubt to each other; and if necessary, double-check it.
- Be supportive:
To enhance teamwork in marriage, couples should support each other in daily life. And there are a lot of small things that you can do to show your support: you might bring home champagne after your husband is promoted for good work, back him up when he is engaging in a tiny battle with your heathen children, offer him a few words of encouragement when he is staying in ebb…
- Stop keeping score and be grateful for your husband’s contributions:
As a team, you should avoid keeping score in the relationship; keeping score is very “me-centered”; and when you keep score, you become egocentric and you look at the relationship as lopsided. Generally, it is hard to judge who makes bigger contributions to a family because you and your spouse have different responsibilities and perform different roles in the division of labor within the family.
And your husband secretly wants to feel appreciated by you; and the more you show your gratitude/appreciation to him, the more motivated he is to work hard for you and the family.
For more tips on how to improve your relationship by becoming a team, you might go on to read the post below:
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage.
5 Focus on improving yourself rather than attempt to improve your husband:
Understandably, when your husband irritates you, it is tempting to attempt to mold your husband to make him less annoying; you want him to be better, and you are sure that you are trying to do what is best for him; so you may think he can benefit from your critique and coaching, but your husband may not think so; there are times when he is unwilling to make positive changes as you want, even though he realizes that you get annoyed with him and you badly want him to change; in such a situation, he may have already felt uncomfortable, disgusted, and infuriated with you; and the knee-jerk reaction to your critique or comments is to negate you or evade you. So you must be aware that any manipulative behavior will only make things worse; instead, you might focus on your personal growth and self-improvement, and you do not have to give suggestions to him unless you are invited to.
6 Take time to understand your husband’s perspective:
Understandably, it is tempting to discuss/argue with your husband when your husband irritates you; but you had better wait until your negative emotions decrease. When you are caught up in your bad emotions, any argument/discussion with your spouse can be ineffective and even counterproductive. So give yourself some time to cool yourself down; then find the right opportunity to ask thoughtful questions to your husband, and make sure to listen carefully and show empathy when he is explaining to you. As long as you keep doing so, you will be amazed to find how understanding his perspective can decrease your annoyance significantly.
When you are annoyed with your husband, you might assume that he has an unspoken reason for what he has done. I bet you must have had the same experience – sometimes, you have not realized the ins and outs of one thing until it is over; furthermore, sometimes there can be something in his mind that he feels difficult to disclose, even though he knows it has made you annoyed, frustrated, or bored. But we tend to think that someone is crazy when we do not take enough time to try to understand their motivation behind their seemingly unreasonable behavior.
The final word:
Everyone gets annoyed with their partners occasionally. And regardless of the situation, it is necessary to keep our negative emotions in check when we are annoyed with our spouses.
For more tips on how to improve your marriage and remain happily married with your husband, you might go on to read the page below to adopt more suggestions from Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What a healthy marriage looks like – How to maintain a marriage.
Must-have boundaries in marriage – Communicate your boundaries.
Why you feel unloved by your husband – How to save your marriage.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.