Fights belong to a part of a marriage, whether couples like them or not. When two individuals merge into each other, clashes are bound to occur.
Conflict in marriages can vary from couple to couple; however, there are still many common things that couples fight about. If you can be more aware of them and know how to handle them properly, you and your spouse will be less fractious once they happen, and hence your marriage will be more harmonious.
The following talks about the top 5 things married couples fight about:
1 Money:
If you clash with your spouse about how to spend money as a couple, then it can result in a catastrophic fight between you two, especially when you two are not willing to engage in frank negotiation and discussion. And if a money issue can not be resolved, this kind of fight can repeat itself again and again in your relationship. Money issues can be a general manifestation of personal values around lifestyle, generosity, security, freedom…
Many times, a couple’s arguments related to money are not really about money; they are rooted from something significant that differ from each other; therefore, a key to handling fights about money should not be just to dwell on how much you and your spouse spend on something, instead, you need to gain a deeper understanding of what it truly means to each other.
If you realize that you constantly argue because of conflicting beliefs about money, you need to have an open and honest discussion about each other’s values about money, rather than dwell on whether a certain item or service is worth buying; for example, you two may exchange each other’s thoughts on the level of quality of life that you two pursue individually, and the meaning of having money and not having money. When you two can sit down to discuss all sorts of money-related issues in an open manner, you will naturally have fewer difficulties in getting past those fight triggers. In doing so, you are also more likely to reach a consensus on how to manage money in the marriage over time.
If you want to get more tips on how to deal with money issues in marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to manage finances in a marriage – Couples’ financial management.
7 simple tips on how to deal with financial stress in a marriage.
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
2 Division of domestic responsibilities:
If one spouse always feels that the other one does not share the load or feels that his/her load is heavier than the other one, resentment builds over time, and that can result in explosive clashes in the relationship. This kind of conflict comes down to a matter – Both spouses no longer appreciate each other’s contribution to the family, and the sense of fairness has already dissolved so that one spouse often feels more responsible for family affairs than the other one.
If you have fights about the division of domestic responsibilities just like above, some actions are needed for you. To stop the home front from becoming a battle zone, the best way should be to talk through your expectations with your spouse, both in terms of appreciation and duties for his/her roles and efforts. In doing so, a more satisfying prospect about sharing domestic chores can be expected.
3 Power in the relationship:
In a marriage, a spouse who seems “go with the flow” on the surface is more likely to get railroaded into decisions that both spouses had meant to make. For a spouse who feels that he/she doesn’t get an equal voice in his/her marriage or that they don’t equally participate in decision making, he/she may attempt to make the other one hear his/her voice by being louder.
It is well known that every relationship has a power dynamic; and if there is an extreme power imbalance in a relationship, ultimately the “low-power” spouse will probably spark a fierce argument out of the other one’s expectation, rather than shift the power dynamic in the marriage through calm negotiation as well as expression of feelings & concerns.
The key to dealing with this problem is to have an in-depth understanding of each other’s personalities, especially if one spouse is more laid back and the other one is more take-charge in a marriage. And then make efforts to establish a mutually acceptable principle on how to work out important decisions as a couple, and get started with practicing the principle on daily little matters.
For more tips on how to end power struggle in a marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to resolve power struggle in marriage – How to move forward.
4 Sex life:
People inevitably change over time; for married couples, their sexual desires also change with time. At some point, couples may have trouble sharing their sexual needs, because they may become embarrassed, shy or simply think that their spouses should be proactive in trying to understand their sexual desires.
Another fact is that every adult has a fluctuating libido regardless of gender; that is very natural, and there is a wide range of factors that can affect an adult’s libido, such as diet, stress, sleep quality, and feelings about a partner.
To deal with this kind of sex-related fights, it is important to establish a regular amount of sex and affection you can be both satisfied with; but unfortunately, because the libido of couples is not always in the same level, couples may fail to reach an agreement on this sensitive issue in married life.
When your sexual needs or your spouse’s sexual needs fail to be met, unhappiness starts to generate, leading to a recipe for conflict. So, you two should be open up to each other and share each other’s innermost thoughts on sex-related problems, such as the duration of foreplay and intercourse, and the lustful touch and loving touch you each want in bed. Don’t be shy or afraid to expose those private problems that you two encounter in bed; through open communication, there is a good chance that you will meet in the middle so that you two will accept each other’s performance in bed.
5 Extended family:
After entering into the marriage, you are bound to merge your world with your spouse’s world, which includes a lot of intimate people around you two, such as each other’s family members, each other’s good friends, and even each other’s children from the previous relationship. A fight between married couples can occur if one or more members from a spouse’s extended family infringe upon the quality time that couples spend with each other. The friction not only can happen because of personality clashes, but it can happen when the balance between outside and inside the marital relationship fails to be met.
As to the conflict associated with the extended family, you two should focus on prevention; in particular, it is necessary to share how important those members of your extended family are to each other, and meanwhile, you should let each other feel that they are just special and important to your relationship while putting your marriage in priority.
Fights can not be entirely avoided in a marriage, but you should learn to fight fair in case a fight occurs:
Again, it is impossible to avoid a fight; in addition to the top 5 things married couples fight about that have been described above, there are also tons of factors that can cause fights in marriage.
As to how to fight fair in a marriage, there is a wide range of problems that needs attention, but one point to stress here is to learn to better listen to your spouse.
While you are practicing listening to him/her, the following is a rule of thumb that you can apply in your argument or fight:
First of all, start a deep conversation by picking an easy topic that usually you don’t fight about. Take turns talking without interrupting, and then paraphrase back to your spouse what you hear him/her say. When the main content on that topic is finished, continue the conversation by bringing up a more difficult topic. This method is based on a point – The more a couple is willing to listen to each other, the more smoothly an issue can be resolved. In doing so, you can tackle a lot of trigger issues without unproductive or intense fights, and what is more, you can hone your negotiation and listening skills during the entire process.
For more tips on how to fight fair with your spouse, you might go on to read the post below:
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
The final word:
A major catastrophic fight that has not been resolved may spell doom for a lot of failing relationships. And generally, the more you fight with your spouse, the more likely your relationship is to deteriorate; so to keep your marriage alive, you should avoid unnecessary fights as much as possible. And whenever you get into a fight with your spouse, you should remind yourself not to go to extremes in things; if you become kind of distraught after a recent relationship-threatening fight, you might try to put the negative emotions aside and ask yourself the questions below:
- Do you feel respected and safe in your marriage?
- Do you share equal and open communication?
- Do you feel free to express your opinions and feelings and do you feel listened to?
If your answers to these questions above are all “yes”, that means your conflict can be managed well ultimately and your marriage can withstand your disagreements and conflict because generally you are good to each other and your marriage life is mutually beneficial. In such a relationship, usually, couples intend to help each other grow instead of bringing each other down when they have to fight with each other; so you do not have to be frustrated about fights that happened recently; instead, let it go. And you should reassure yourself that you are still in a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
If you want to get more tips about how to handle fights in your marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to stop quarreling – reconcile with your spouse.
And if you realize the recent fight has driven you to the brink of despair and you have no idea how to repair the failing relationship, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it points out a series of rules that can save your relationship from the destruction of fighting: