Have you ever slammed the door and then walked away from your spouse? Have you ever said intemperate or offensive words to your spouse? And have you ever smashed things when you got angry with your spouse? Unfortunately, a marriage is never a fairy tale, and fighting is inevitable in any long-term relationship; and there are no couples who can ensure that they can fight in a healthy way. Hence, as a spouse, you need to keep on learning how to fight fair with your spouse.
Beyond all doubt, fair fighting is an effective way to manage disagreements as well as the emotions that come with them. Many times when you get into a fight with your spouse, you think that his/her opinion is plainly unfair or just irrational, but meanwhile, he/she may also think your viewpoint is wrong. Just like a lot of problematic couples, probably you have also been sick of ugly fighting, you want to fight fair in your marriage, but now you just do not know how to better practice fighting fair to keep conflict from becoming destructive or entrenched.
And here’re 20 suggestions on how to fight fair with your spouse:
1 Don’t devalue your spouse’s feelings:
It is not bad to say to your spouse, “I’m not sure whether it makes sense to accuse me of…” However, it is wrong to say, “How stupid of you to jump on me!” When your spouse gets upset and angry with you, one of his/her knee-jerk reactions may be to accuse you of your wrongdoings or your inadequacy. In this case, you do not have to immediately defend yourself against his/her accusation; what you should do first is to acknowledge his/her feelings, for example, you might gently say, ”I understand your feelings get hurt.” In doing so, your spouse can feel that you are trying to empathize with him/her; the more you show empathy towards your spouse, the more likely he/she is to calm his emotions.
2 Negotiate and compromise:
During a clear and calm moment, you two should reach an agreement that neither of you should “win” a fight; the reason is very simple: if one party wins in a fight, inevitably the other one will lose and feel resentful towards the winner. The more resentment the loser harbors, the more potential retaliation the winner incurs. Ultimately, the damaged relationship makes both parties experience loss or failure. Therefore, even if one spouse is indeed wrong, the other spouse is supposed to allow him/her to manage to salvage his/her self-respect, rather than kick him/her when he/she is down.
3 Give your spouse time to cool off:
Permit your spouse to cool off on his/her own before you try to resolve his/her angry feelings. For instance, you should allow him/her to go out for a walk or engage in some physical activities. Such a cooling-off period can help your spouse identify the issue more clearly and formulate his/her thoughts, thus making the following discussion more targeted.
It is very legitimate for your spouse to ask for some quiet time and space to think back on the relationship after a heated fight; if you choose to fight on without allowing him/her enough time to pause and reflect, things will only get worse.
4 Don’t hit your spouse below the belt:
Your spouse must have vulnerable areas. No matter how angry you are during a fight, don’t hurt him/her by using your confidential knowledge of his/her weaknesses and sensitivities. Hitting below the belt can kill love and attraction. In case you challenge your spouse with a punch or counter-punch attack in the heat of the moment, it can cause his/her temper to rise, and then probably he will take defensive actions and even he will be sorely tempted to retaliate. Once you hit your spouse below the belt, he/she will instantly stop listening to you; instead, he/she will attempt to re-establish or stick to a controversial view while he/she is deliberately invalidating your opinion.
5 Deal with issues one by one:
When you are realizing a lot of issues are waiting to be solved, it is better to address one by one; and meanwhile, don’t forget to put other unresolved issues on a future agenda. You should learn to deal with issues properly in the order of urgency. Shooting without aiming makes it hard to hit a target. Therefore, to work out a good resolution step by step, it is better to stick to the most important issue at present rather than attend to big and small matters all at once.
6 Don’t camouflage:
When you are in a fight with your spouse and feel bad about something that your spouse did, don’t put your negative emotions to extraneous or unimportant issues. The more deeply you evade your grievance, the more likely he/she is to misunderstand you. For example, if you resent your spouse for the recent fight about a critical issue but you do not directly complain, you choose to make insinuating remarks – you deliberately complain about the potatoes that your spouse cook at supper and blurt, “The potatoes are so salty tonight!” he/she may easily think that your statement conveys other unspoken meanings, maybe he will misunderstand that you don’t understand his/her life pressures and work pressures, instead of associating it as the issue that you recently argue about; this act just tends to complicate issues, just like adding the fuel to the flames.
7 State the issue clearly and honestly:
Although stating some sensitive issues is easy to offend the other one, spouses should be open with each other. In addition to that, another common problem is that a lot of couples do not know how to state a relationship issue in a clear and specific way; no doubt, a vaguely worded statement just makes their spouses more confused; so if you also have this problem, you should avoid doing that way. For example, don’t simply say to your spouse, “You don’t respect me, I get hurt by you!” Rather, be specific and clear as in, “I felt sad when you come across as condescending towards me”, or” I felt upset when you said… ”
8 Don’t fear conflict:
During the process of full communication with your spouse, it is unavoidable that there exist some disagreements and different opinions. Especially when you two differ on an issue that is at stake, conflict tends to sharply increase. Surely, it is always not an easy thing to deal with marital conflict, but on the other hand, you should treat conflict as an opportunity for the relationship growth – by handling conflict correctly and reaching a mutually acceptable agreement, you two can better see each other and learn from each other.
If you want to learn more about how to deal with conflict in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
9 Implement changes for controlling negative emotions:
If you notice that your spouse often gets agitated, angry or upset during a fight, you may make a firm, clear, and fair request for improvement or change in whatever brought on his/her negative emotions after he/she has been calm. In this situation, usually, your spouse also wants you to change and adjust correspondingly. Surely, you should both be clear as to what you two agree to improve or modify. Remember, be realistic and specific. For example, it should be agreed that whenever one of you seemed tense, the other one should timely remind the one that his/her emotions appear to be out of control, instead of allowing his/her old emotional pattern to keep running.
10 Stick to the matter at hand:
Ask yourself whether you have ever enumerated irrelevant, trivial things during an argument with your spouse, in an attempt to prove your viewpoint is right? However, the more you justify yourself by talking about those things that lack convincing power, the more tempted he/she is to contradict you. So, you had better just stick to the current issue and present a to-the-point description, and don’t take things personally; this should be the fastest way to let an argument rest there and get you closer to a place where you and your spouse can fight fair.
11 Don’t use unimportant things to trigger an argument:
If you notice that you recently fought over various issues but always ended up on the same one (e.g. financial difficulties, and suspecting your spouse is cheating), you should be aware of the issue which you urgently need to deal with. Probably, there are some other related issues which are not resolved at the same time, or you often provoke an argument by picking other superficial topics (e.g. the clothes on the floor, and not cleaning up the smelly trash); if you use those topics or issues to call your spouse back to initiate the conversation, the odds are that you will make him/her engage in a completely fruitless argument rather than enable him/her to carefully consider the expected issue;
What is more, when you try to use unimportant issues to trigger an argument about a controversial issue, your spouse may twist your meaning; therefore, it is inadvisable to use unimportant things to provoke an argument, even though the topic that you want to argue about is very sensitive. Just strive to understand the source of the problem, and then give what’s needed for it to unlock its grip on your relationship, whether that’s validation, acknowledgment, a reassurance, or an apology.
12 Make full use of feedback and clarification:
If the fight becomes heated and emotional, you had better slow it down by creating a “feedback cycle” – paraphrase your understanding of your spouse’s statements and reflect them back to him/her; for example, when you say to your spouse, “Honey, you mean, you think I am too …, right?”, generally your spouse will quickly respond to you by confirming the paraphrase and clarifying it.
13 Don’t downplay the problem:
A relationship problem is what it is because it takes one party to believe it is. When confronting a problem that your spouse points out, you do not have to agree with it but you need to attentively listen to it. Make sure to let your spouse know well that you are hearing and you are trying to understand him/her. When you feel bored with an issue that your spouse brings up and ask your spouse to stop talking about it, he/she feels slighted. And when you choose to ignore a problem that he/she is concerned about, probably your spouse strongly believes that the problem won’t go away on its own without a continuous push to resolve it. That is the way it is.
When you are reluctant to work together with you to solve an issue, he/she feels bad about how you treat him/her, and his/her negative thoughts about you may transfer to other things later; and meanwhile, his/her negative feelings keep brewing in his/her heart until an argument flares up. For example, next time you come back home just a few minutes late, he/she may attempt to spark off an unexpectedly fiery argument, and you can also realize that his/her intention is not about the minor matter, but in the heat of the moment, you may also not be able to figure out the purpose of his/her doing so.
Therefore, don’t downplay what your spouse is caring about; even though currently you can not tackle his/her concerns, at least you should validate and acknowledge his/her concerns. For example, when you really can’t tackle a problem that your spouse wants you to solve instantly, you might comfort him/her and say,” I know how important it is for you to…, but I’m stuck with…”
14 Don’t withdraw:
A psychological withdrawal behavior differs significantly from allowing time to cool down for reconciliation. A person may withdraw when he/she feels attacked, disinterested, or bored in a relationship. In doing so, he attempts to maintain distance, control, and autonomy. There is a close link between emotional withdrawal and a low level of marital satisfaction. After a bad fight, you will bring further damage to your relationship if you respond to your spouse by giving him/her the silent treatment. If you feel attacked during the fight, you are supposed to seek a way to make your spouse sympathetic to the feeling of being attacked, rather than retaliate against the attack that probably he/she didn’t mean. And if you feel disinterested or bored, you should be open with your spouse about it, rather than directly pull back.
And if you find your spouse withdrawing, ask yourself whether he/she feels attacked, bored, or disinterested. One effective way to change that situation is to acknowledge your contribution to the relationship issue, no matter how small it is. The statements like “I know I probably fail to …”, or “Sorry, I upset you when I …” In this way, you make it clear that you do not intend to offend him/her.
15 Don’t yell:
When you two are losing each other’s temper and yelling at each other during a fight, most likely you two are just arguing about arguing. Anytime, there is no sense in yelling in an argument, because when a spouse gets to the yelling point, he/she tends to just think about himself/herself, and then demonstrate how right he/she is or how wrong the other spouse is. Yelling makes it difficult for a person to be a good speaker and listener during an argument. To stop yelling as soon as possible in a marital relationship, one party has to make the first move to let himself/herself cool down. For example, if your spouse is yelling at you when he/she is angry, you might try to calm down yourself and then say to him/her in a neutral tone, “I’m trying to understand your meaning but first we have to calm down a bit.”
By the way, you are also not suggested to sweep an issue under the rug; in particular, a serious issue that can provoke an intense fight usually does not spontaneously fade into nothingness over time.
16 Find the real emotion beneath your spouse’s anger:
It is indeed difficult not to turn away when your spouse is angry with you. However, you should be aware that anger is often a secondary emotion during a fight – it usually does not exist on its own, and there may be another negative emotion beneath it, maybe the culprit behind anger is insecurity, jealousy, frustration, hurt, or sadness. When you try to find the underlying emotion rather than be emotionally driven by his/her anger, you have more chances to smooth his/her anger by responding to the real issue.
Therefore, while your spouse is venting your spouse’s anger on you, try to face it, rather than manage to avoid him/her (e.g. pretending that you are busy with something important, looking away, and turning your back). Otherwise, probably you will miss some important clues about what causes him/her to feel angry; by the way, looking straight into each other’s eyes is an essential way to deepen the emotional connection in a love relationship.
17 Accept that no one is perfect when it comes to criticism:
Try to be open to accepting your spouse’s criticism and let your defenses down when you are listening. Yes, sometimes your spouse’s feedback is difficult to stomach, or sometimes the way which he/she delivers criticism makes you uncomfortable; however, you do not have to be too hard on him/her; after all, nobody is perfect, and you can’t also guarantee that your criticism to your spouse is always delivered constructively, or that your feedback is always easy to accept for him/her.
Surely, from your perspective, you should try your best to be wise with your words. Especially when you feel the need to criticize your spouse, try to be generous to him/her so that your spouse will be more likely to accept the way you speak. For example, you might say, “I know you didn’t mean it, but when you…”, OR “I think I misunderstood you when we fought, now could we go on to talk about it?”
18 Don’t speak in absolute terms:
During a fight, your generalized statements about your spouse easily draw a strong rebuttal. In the face of your hasty generalization, your spouse can be tempted to find a valid explanation of the exception.
When you are generalizing about your spouse’s behavior during a fight, there is a tendency that you two will not be specific about the current issue and that the fight will become more heated and complicated, because your spouse can’t accept such broad and absolute statements. Concerning this issue, you may put yourself in his/her shoes, would you defend yourself if your spouse spoke in absolute terms about how you feel, how you act, and what you want from him/her.
Therefore, it is better to use specific examples rather than use a hasty generalization. Likewise, if your spouse is attempting to generalize about you, you might also ask him/her to focus on specific things; when it comes to how to fight fair with your spouse, it is always an important detail for you two to remind each other to be cautious about using those absolute words like “never” and “always” to inflame a bad situation.
19 Stop going around in circles:
If you or your spouse frequently brings up the same issue, you two may have been stuck in a vicious cycle without realizing it. Usually, a person will not repeat something again and again unless he/she thinks that he/she doesn’t feel heard. And when your spouse keeps mentioning something during an argument or fight, you should be quick to adjust; specifically, you might slow your speech speed, and communicate to your spouse your understanding of your spouse’s opinion about that thing. In return, he/she may also slow down to hear yours. When you are the one who doesn’t feel heard, first you should let your spouse know that you want him/her to better understand you, and meanwhile let him/her feel that you have no intention of offending him/her.
In short, it is usually unwise to mention one thing over and over during a fight, you two should stop going around in such a circle as soon as possible; otherwise, it just makes an argument rage on and on; so recognize it and stop it before it spins out of control.
20 Compromise or give in on something:
Commonly, sometimes you and your spouse disagree on many aspects of an issue; to grasp the most important aspects of the issue, you may consider compromising or giving in on relatively minor aspects to make smoother progress. Often during a fight, the more you pull your spouse, the more he/she pulls in the opposite direction. Therefore, when you find that you involve yourself in a seemingly endless argument about one issue, a proper compromise isn’t a bad way to put the argument to rest. And you might as well take a step back to reach a compromise on those aspects that are less important. Sometimes, by adopting a strategy of retreating to advance, things can go more smoothly – a small concession on a small matter may help promote the process of a solution to a big problem.
The final word:
Fights are unavoidable in any marriage; what married couples can do is to learn how to keep fighting in a healthy way.
Fair fighting can bring improvement to a relationship in many ways. On the premise of outlining safe parameters for handling issues and not playing the blaming game, a fight can be viewed as a normal part of a marital relationship, and there is no need to fear to fight.
And you do not have to just look at the bad part of a fight. You should know that a relationship improvement is often closely linked with fair fighting. Without fair fighting, it may be more difficult for you to get something that you want from your spouse. It is true that a wide range of fighting patterns can wreak havoc on a marriage. But fair fighting is exceptional, it plays a positive role in solidifying a long-term relationship because it always guides couples in the right direction – holding hands to go through conflict zones. So if you desire to keep your marriage alive, it is worthy to learn how to fight fair with your spouse.
Disagreements, arguments, and fights are one of the main causes of relationship discontent; the more fights you have without finding a resolution or making a progress, the weaker the connection becomes. And if you realize that certain fights or arguments are ruining your marriage and you have no idea how to fix the deteriorating relationship, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it shares a set of important rules about how to fight fair with your spouse when you are in conflict with him/her:
Maybe, you will also be interested in the posts below:
7 basic tips on how to stop keeping score in marriage.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
Top 5 things married couples fight about – most common fights in marriage.
How to manage anger in marriage – Deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.