We are not imperfect people, we have differences with other people from time to time; and we can not always deal with conflict properly. Likewise, marriage is like a petri dish of conflict between spouses. Every spouse has to face the stress that marital conflict elicits; and a couple can hardly keep their marriage alive if they always sweep serious relationship problems under the rug. To have a long-lasting happy marriage, couples should work on improving conflict resolution skills. Regardless of marital status, couples need to seek a proper way to reduce the level of conflict or avoid unnecessary conflict.
Next, let’s discuss how to defuse conflict in marriage:
1 Accept the fact that the two of you may not be able to resolve the current argument:
When you two get into an intense argument, you may feel like the argument is endless and there is relentless tension. In this situation, you might take a moment to pause and reflect on why the argument will not go anywhere. If you can find the reasons and focus on seriously addressing the core problem, the argument tends to cease; but on the other hand, if you admit that you are just unwilling to negotiate or you just feel like your spouse is too stubborn, you should remind yourself that the argument is pointless and that you should not continue it. Otherwise, the argument tends to escalate into something more intense and terrifying; and when one or both of you fail to keep a clear head during an argument, things will probably be out of control. That will not be what you expect initially.
Therefore, once you realize that you and your spouse can not reach a consensual resolution to conflict for the time being, it is better to quit the argument in some way. For example, you might try to sidetrack the issue, you might turn and walk away, or you might even go to bed angry. Then when you revisit those troublesome issues with a calm and rational mindset, probably you will find things are not as bad as you thought.
2 Wait before you have to bring up critical issues:
Understandably, it can be tough to hold back something important that you feel the need to say. However, when something irks you and you impulsively blurt out what is on your mind, emotions can easily take over, and most likely you can not put your meaning across very well. Therefore, you need to prevent such a situation from coming up again, and the correct course of action should be to bite your tongue and think twice.
As you hold your grievances and try to keep thinking deeply, two things tend to happen. First, you are more likely to calm down yourself; on the other hand, when you are calm, your spouse will be more receptive to your feelings and thoughts. Secondly, you are more likely to frame your argument in a constructive manner.
3 Incorporate more “I” statements:
During a fierce argument with your spouse, changing the way of speaking may make a positive difference. In particular, by using more “I” statements and less “You” statements, you can frame your arguments better. For example, if your spouse is late for a family gathering and this annoys you, probably you are tempted to say, ”You come so late and our family members are annoyed.” That sounds unpleasant. In such a situation, you might try to make an “I” statement to bring up the grievance. For example, you might say, ”I would appreciate it if we could be on time next time, I think our family members also want us to make the effort.” By comparison, the second statement sounds much less accusatory than the first one. Such a small change in the manner of expressing your opinion can make a positive impact on how your spouse perceives your comments.
4 Inject some humor into an argument:
A big argument is hard to avoid at some point. And when you have to argue over a serious matter with your spouse, you might make a small joke if the matter starts to get out of control. For example, your spouse hates Bob who is one of your good friends; and your spouse tells you that he/she does not want to be around the person; however, you want your spouse to give your friend another shot. In this situation where the tension between you and your spouse becomes palpable, you might say something funny like “If I asked Bob to wear deodorant so that he would not stink so much, would it help?“
To avoid escalating a heated argument, sometimes you need to learn to make light of an issue. Surely, be cautious about when to do so and when not to do so; and by adding in a bit of humor properly, the tension may decrease and thus the two of you may feel closer.
5 Don’t desire to be always right:
During a fierce argument, sometimes we are anxious to prove that we are right. However, when two parties just argue for the sake of it, there are no winners; especially when a spouse just says hurtful, ugly words to the other one, actually two sides’ feelings are getting hurt, and both sides lose. In married life, a heated argument either leads to a win-win relationship status or lose-lose; and only when you and your spouse can reach a mutually acceptable agreement in a civilized manner, you can truly win.
Sometimes you also feel like your view on a certain issue is kind of lop-sided, but you are just too obsessed with the idea that you should be right; in such a situation, arguments can develop into a full-scale war. And if you could take a step back and say something like, ” I think you might be right in a way.”, you would ease the tense relationship at that time. Understandably, it may be hard for you to say so, but it can simply reduce a lot of heartache and pain.
6 Show you are listening to him/her:
When you completely disagree with your spouse over a critical issue during an argument, probably you are impatient and reluctant to listen to him/her; at the moment, you look like you do not want to pay any attention to him/her. For example, you cross your arms/legs, you put your hands in your pocket, or you even angle your body away from him/her; however, the more indifferent you are to him/her during a heated argument, the more he/she wants to draw your attention and wants you to respond. Probably, he/she will attempt to make more controversial statements in a sharp and aggressive tone. And once you feel that you have had enough and you start to retort upon him/her, the argument will become more intense.
Therefore, making the listener feel listened is an important way to defuse conflict in marriage. And to show your spouse that you are listening, you might use a series of phrases that demonstrate active listening, such as those below:
- “It sounds like…” (Alternatives: “You seem a bit…”, “What I am hearing is…, am I right?”)
- “Do you mean …” (Alternatives: “I am still not sure whether I understand.”, “Can you tell me a little more about that?”).
- “Really?” (Alternatives: “When?”, “Where?”, “How?”).
- I’ve noticed…”
- I’m sorry you think so.
In addition to the verbal language, you might also use your body language to convey your attention while your spouse is speaking; and here are some simple tips:
- Make sure you face your spouse and maintain direct eye contact
- Nod your head occasionally. Don’t nod fast because it may be perceived as impatient, whilst a slow nod indicates approval and understanding.
- Lean forward.
- Give a smile.
7 Avoid absolutes:
When you are not honest with yourself during an argument, probably your spouse will not be guilty of something wrong that he/she has done. Therefore, speaking in absolute terms should be avoided as much as possible because they detract from your credibility and intended messages.
Absolute language often generalizes a topic in a manner that makes the speaker appear naïve, unprepared, or uninformed. On the other hand, it may potentially offend the listener during an argument. Specifically, absolute words can not help defuse conflict in marriage because of the three aspects below:
- Absolute words divert your spouse’s focus from the current topic to find the exceptions, weakening well-informed and important points.
- Other otherwise valid claims may be interpreted as “no exceptions”.
- Raised doubts about your credibility and your understanding of the current topic.
In general, things are rarely black and white. To be influential and persuasive, just make sure your communication reflects reality correctly.
8 Don’t make an argument personal:
When you take things personally during an argument with your spouse, you feel disrespected and offended. Your reaction is either to submit passively or defend yourself; either way, you think your spouse’s comments are too serious, biased, and even threatening; you want to prove him/her wrong. Then something that is little may get blown out of proportion. You attempt to maintain your innocence, and manage to defend your beliefs; however, that only serves to heighten conflict. In this situation, you need to be aware of one thing: everyone has his/her own beliefs, feelings, and opinion. Nobody’s judgment is superior; in most cases, opinion can’t be right or wrong, but they do have different pros and cons; and you can’t tell your spouse which view is best, and you can’t force your spouse to think about something only in your way.
In short, usually, when you and your spouse hold a different view during an argument, it just means you two have different choices in how to deal with something, and yet there is no absolutely correct or wrong.
The final word:
Conflict is a common, inevitable part of married life; even a happy couple can have an intense argument here and there; but anyway, as a spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive, you should aim to defuse conflict in marriage and achieve marital peace. And it is bound to be a long-term learning process.
For more tips about how to manage conflict and work through various disagreements in married life, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive marriage-saving guidance that is provided by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.