Now you realize that there is something wrong with the marriage; and you feel like your spouse is emotionally checking out of the relationship, but you are not entirely sure. You want to further determine how he/she is feeling about the relationship.
And if your spouse really wants to leave, probably he/she has exhibited some aberrant behavior, but you did not pay enough attention to it.
The following points out a few suspicious signs that your spouse wants out:
1 Does your spouse become irritable and argumentative?
An increase in the intensity and frequency of arguments with your spouse is a clear indication that your marriage is failing. Of course, don’t panic just because sometimes the two of you fight a few times a week…. After all, from time to time all married couples disagree and have conflict. And in fact, as long as those fights can lead to resolutions without leaving lingering hard feelings between two sides, it is a healthy thing.
However, when arguments become daily occurrences in married life and tend to arise over anything, then it should be on alert that probably things are getting dicey. For instance, you arrived 10 minutes late for a simple dinner date, but your spouse made a great fuss of this minor thing; then the date degenerated into a screaming match, and the event resulted in your spouse going to bed angry with you for the fourth time in a week. If this type of argument frequently happens and small grievances or disagreements are often blown out of proportion, it indicates that your relationship is moving in the wrong direction.
Therefore, if you realize that your spouse argues too often or fight too much with you over small issues (most of the time, you are not the one who initiates those arguments/fights), on the one hand, you should learn how to handle disagreements and prevent useless arguments in a more constructive and civilized manner, but on the other hand, you should think about whether he/she wants out.
2 You feel like you are no longer the person that your spouse turns to when he/she is stressed:
This thing can happen so gradually that you may not realize it in time, especially if you have always been busy with things outside your marriage; in a healthy marriage, when a spouse feels stressed out, he/she naturally turns to the other one for comfort. Most of the time, we all need a person closest to us to hear our voice and validate our concerns when we are stressed; your spouse is also not exceptional; so if you notice that when your spouse feels stressed or overwhelmed, he/she would rather pour out to other people his/her bad feelings than unload some of his/her feelings onto you, it is a clear indication that your spouse becomes emotionally distant.
3 Your spouse is no longer interested in future plans:
Planning for your future can be a fun conversation to have; as long as you and your spouse are committed to each other, it makes sense to keep going, thinking, and planning. But do you realize that every time you want to talk about how to plan the future with him/her, he/she becomes distant or distracts it? From the viewpoint of a person who wants to end a relationship, he/she is inclined to think there is no need to anticipate a long future with his/her partner. And this can be interpreted as a way that a partner avoids making a long-term commitment. And hence, when he/she makes no commitment to your future married life, he/she may not see you as an essential part of his/her life; so you have reasons to doubt his/her loyalty to you.
Remember, if your spouse wants to keep the marriage alive, he/she would not like to stay at one stage of the relationship forever; instead, he/she is willing to discuss the future with you, regardless of what the future may be.
4 You feel like your spouse is not intimate with you anymore:
Every healthy marriage must have some form of long-lasting intimacy, regardless of the age of married couples. Some couples may reach a stage at which they don’t need to maintain high levels of intimacy but remain happily together in a state of unequivocal peace and love, they still keep their relationships on an intimate footing and enjoy each other’s company.
Surely, the loss of sexual intimacy with you does not mean your spouse wants to sleep with someone of the opposite sex. And besides sexual intimacy, you need to pay attention to many other forms of intimacy, such as giving a hug/kiss, going for a walk together, and sharing a romantic meal. And if you realize that all intimacy completely fades away, being not intimate with you is very likely one of the signs that your spouse wants out.
5 Your absence makes your spouse happier:
In healthy relationships, a partner awaits the other one’s return to his/her side, and those couples cherish each other’s company. A couple can have separate friends, jobs, and hobbies, and they may have to separate from each other for most of the day; but at the day’s end, they enjoy spending quality time together and putting each other on the path to total relaxation.
By contrast, in an unhappy relationship, a partner feels stressed when the other one is around him/her; and the partner quickly feels relieved as the other one walks away; over time, the more the distant partner thinks that his/her partner’s absence makes him/her happier, the more he/she desires to have a future without his/her partner; hence, if you notice that your spouse always becomes unhappy as long as you appear in front of him/her, probably your spouse has emotionally checked out of the relationship.
6 Your spouse no longer treats your relatives and friends well:
Another one of the potential subtle signs your spouse wants out is the dramatic change of his/her attitude towards your relatives (e.g. your brothers, sisters, parents, and aunts) and friends, for example, when your mother visited your home, he/she behaved as if he/she was seeing your mother for the first time, he/she looked embarrassed; he/she should have stayed at home and entertained your mother, but he/she made some excuses to leave. If your spouse is bored with you and decides to leave you, probably he/she will project his/her bad feelings for you onto your relatives and friends. So keep this sign in mind; by the way, you may need to have enough psychological preparation for possible unpleasant development of events when he/she spends time with your relatives and friends.
7 You feel like your spouse is no longer supportive:
When you hit a rough patch, your spouse is supposed to be the first person whom you can depend on. Whether you need someone to root for you or just want to fuss and grumble to relieve your bad feelings, your spouse is supposed to be the person who is willing to listen to you. Especially when you encounter a tough situation in your life and you feel very angry, upset, stressed, painful… if your spouse notices it but doesn’t show concern for you, there must be some big problems in the relationship.
If your spouse hates you and no longer wants to maintain the long term relationship, it feels natural to stop caring about how you feel anytime.
8 Your spouse becomes chronically cold and unavailable:
Do you realize that your spouse instantly becomes as cold as stones, as long as you are around him/her or you try to communicate with him/her – For example, your spouse becomes cold or unavailable every time you call him/her; however, when someone else calls him/her, he/she is there. If so, this is a clear indicator that he/she is unhappy in the marriage.
In aggressive stonewalling, your spouse knows that the silence, cold shoulder, and emotional isolation can hurt you; but compared with other ways to ruin the marriage, this way is the least violent; probably, your spouse has been tired of fighting/arguing with you; and as a spouse who wants out, he/she may regularly use such an avoidance strategy to end the marriage peacefully – as stonewalling perpetuates in the relationship and becomes a continuous cycle, the relationship tends to be increasingly attenuated.
9 You feel like you are no longer a priority in his/her life:
In married life, some situations may draw the bulk of our attention, such as raising kids, finishing an urgent task before the deadline, and looking after a sick family member; and that is understandable. But for the most part, a couple should place the marriage above all else and prioritize each other’s needs.
Therefore, if you notice that your spouse spends much of his/her time and energy on things that are not involved with the marriage (e.g. a new hobby, and social activities), with no end in sight, that could be a warning sign that he/she has emotionally checked out of the relationship. Furthermore, if you find that your spouse has no longer initiated in-depth communication and brought forward plans to spend time together, probably the gut feeling that you are no longer his/her priority is correct.
The final word:
An unhappy marriage is like a broken vase; although all the pieces are still there, they are so unrecognizable that they are hard to be put back together. And when your spouse is exhibiting some suspicious signs like above, you must be very cautious, but don’t despair. Possibly, he/she is still invested in the marriage, and you are still in a position where you can repair the bond and keep the relationship healthy and intact enough to survive for the long-term.
If you do not have a clear idea of what to do to change the dynamic of your deteriorating marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What should you do when your marriage is on the rocks?
What should you do when you are separated from your spouse?
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
What to do when your marriage is in crisis – Save the marriage.
How to avoid divorce after separation – Save the broken marriage.