Sometimes, a couple has to fall apart to realize how much they need each other. And if you and your spouse have been apart for some time, probably you are still sad and depressed now, and you feel you can’t stand the situation any longer. You start to think about whether you should try to get your spouse back.
If so, the tips below may give you some valuable insights on how to deal with a marital separation:
1 Anyway, first you need to change your attitude towards the separation:
(1-1) Don’t simply think you have lost your spouse:
There can be a good side to the fact that you and your spouse are apart: after all, if you two always stay in the same place and constantly fight, the relationship will be worse and worse. Now, at least you get some time to cool off and ponder on what you two want from each other. So, if you can try to reduce or defuse some conflict that led to the present unhappy situation, of if you can recognize and change your toxic behavioral patterns, the two of you will be more likely to make the relationship different, better, and stronger when you two stay together again.
And currently, you need to focus on how to deal with your time apart. If you feel this way about your broken marriage: you have lost your spouse and you urgently want to get him/her back; you need to change your mindset and attitude. When you are separated from your spouse, he/she also lost you. So turn the idea around and think about it more positively – “He/she has lost me; but anyway, I will try to be a better version of myself; when he/she realizes that losing me is a grievous loss for him/her, he/she will consider getting me back.”
(1-2) Let your spouse go:
And it may take another change in your thinking to get your spouse back: now, you need to let your spouse go. Understandably, you are reluctant, but you have to do so. Now, you have to be mentally prepared for the possibility that you and your spouse may not reunite eventually. Without this mental preparation, probably you will be forced into a passive position if you are fighting to save the marriage but your relationship is still moving in the bad direction.
Accepting the two things above helps you gain more control over the situation.
When you are separated from your spouse for a long time, probably you are stressed because you feel that you are losing your power over the situation; however, as long as you are committed to reconciling with your distant spouse, you need to reduce your stress as much as you can, and focus on what you can do to improve the relationship.
(2) Avoid too much contact with your spouse:
Being separated from your spouse is emotionally painful; now your spouse is not around you, you two can not rely on each other during this time; probably, you strongly feel your life is disrupted. But don’t be too negative about the whole thing; and you might look at it from a positive perspective. View this time as a good chance to clear your mind and calm your turbulent emotions down; so, within a period of time, you might minimize or cut off communication with your spouse. Maybe, there are still some household chores (e.g. housekeeping chores related to your finances, and your children) that you two have to work together on. But other than that, you might avoid or reduce communication. For example, don text, email, and call him/her except when necessary.
Remember, in this sensitive period, too much contact with your spouse may keep you from being able to calm down; the reason is simple: every time you see or talk to him/her, you are very likely to find something to get miserable or angry about.
The several-day period of silence can give you a good chance to focus on something important; so don’t waste time dwelling on how furious or miserable you are about the relationship status.
(3) This is a time for serious thinking:
You need to do some rational, serious thinking during this silent time.
First, you need to determine whether you really want your spouse back. If you immediately start on the hard job of getting your spouse back and then later you find out that you didn’t really want him/her to come back to you, you will place yourself in a dilemma; and that will never be conducive to the recovery of your relationship.
Maybe, you feel like you are so unhappy and miserable that you want your spouse back, regardless of what you have to do; but don’t act on impulse. And a quiet period of limited contact or no contact with your spouse can give you a chance to calm your stormy emotions and reclaim your peace. You must be aware that your thoughts can hardly come out clearly when you are stuck in strong emotions.
Therefore, during the period of separation from your spouse, you might practice daily meditation, even though sometimes you can only do meditation for 5 minutes.
Whether you really want your spouse back or not is an issue that requires much deliberation. Don’t decide on impulse. And here is a piece of advice: you might make a list of negative and positive things about your relationship on a paper, then make this kind of list every day by the end of a month; by checking the list, you will become more aware whether you really want him/her back at this stage. And if you decide to save the marriage, the right way to go about it is to keep the focus on yourself instead of your spouse.
(4) Take a hard look at yourself:
Probably, some of your spouse’s behavioral patterns or bad traits have always stuck in your throat; but no matter how you look at him/her, you may not be able to force him/her to change for you, especially when you are not on good terms with him/her. Now you need to focus on things you have full control over. In other words, you should shift your focus from your spouse to yourself. For example, you should think about whether some of your bad habits or character traits have widened the rift between you and your spouse. At this stage, you need to work on being a better version of yourself; for example, maybe, you have realized that your short temper has hijacked the relationship, so you should learn how to control your bad temper or stop being short-tempered.
For more self-improvement tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
(5) Don’t play the victim role, and enjoy your life again.
Don’t think that the only possible way to make you happy again is getting your spouse back. And it does not make sense to always sit somewhere crying your eyes out. You should still learn to make yourself happy when you are separated from your spouse. For example, you might get out to meet your friends or to participate in activities that can make you feel good.
To pull your spouse back, you should try hard to make yourself a more interesting and attractive person, instead of a person who becomes more and more depressed about life. Maybe, you are still wallowing in your self-pity or your own grief, but you should get out of the victim mentality as soon as possible; maybe, you can seek more attention of your spouse and even make him/her feel sorry for you by playing the victim in the relationship, but it can’t be effective for long term. What is worse, such an approach shows that you don’t want to be held responsible for what you did or you did not do.
Every time you play the victim, you make your spouse feel that he/she has to be responsible for problems in the relationship; therefore, you should stop playing the victim role; otherwise, over time, your spouse will pull further away because it is unfair for him/her to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in the relationship.
When you stop playing the victim and start to reinvent yourself in a positive way, probably you will find that you can still pursue a happy life without your spouse, and that you can also gain newfound self-assuredness and confidence that can become a part of you; on the other hand, when he/she finds you refreshing, he/she may feel the need to think about you again; and that can increase the chance of getting him/her back. A key to getting your spouse is making him/her experience the gut-level attraction that makes him/her want to commit again. Remember, when your spouse sees a social, intellectual, and lively you, you are much more attractive than when he/she is seeing you hiding somewhere crying.
The final word:
A marital separation should be perceived as a time when a couple has to take some time apart and work on themselves. A separation may end up being a dress rehearsal for divorce, but it can also be an episode of married life. And after a separation, most couples consider reconciliation instead of divorce. After all, they come to understand that divorce is not a good answer to complex marital problems, and that the majority of problems can get resolved after a couple reunites and work as a team.
The path to recovering your marriage starts by changing the way of thinking about your broken marriage. Surely, it takes more than the transformation of your thoughts to get your spouse back; besides the above-mentioned tips, a lot more hard work needs to be done.
For more marriage-saving tips on what to do when you are separated from your spouse, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – Survive the separation.
What not to do when your spouse wants out – Save the marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to get your separated husband back – Prevent divorce.
How to get your wife back after separation – Save the marriage.
Don’t ignore these suspicious signs your spouse wants out.
How to avoid divorce after separation – Save the broken marriage.
How to fix the marriage when your spouse hurts your feelings.