Nobody likes to be resented by someone they love, and nobody wants to hold resentment towards someone they love. Yet resentment often tiptoes into a marital relationship almost without a spouse realizing it, and then it takes up space, spreads and grows there. Resentment in marriage is an ongoing feeling that a spouse is not being treated unfairly – not getting due appreciation, affection, help, respect, apology, consideration, reward, praise, and so on.
In a marital relationship, resentment tends to arise when one spouse consciously or unconsciously takes the other one for granted, does something wrong to the other one, or takes advantage of the other one. Unhealthy thinking patterns or poor behavior can feed resentment in marriage.
And long term resentment can sink a marriage. Whether you resent your spouse or your spouse resents you, you should make positive changes to improve the unhealthy relationship dynamic.
The following are some general tips on how to deal with resentment in your marriage:
First, let’s talk about what to do when you resent your spouse:
Maybe the issues that cause your resentment are as simple as his/her neglecting to do certain things that he/she promises to do, such as not paying electricity bills, not taking out the trash, and not cleaning the room; maybe you have held resentment towards your spouse for a long time, you feel like you can’t get past resentment over a persistently unresolved problem, such as poor financial management, not spending enough time together, and disputes over how to raise children.
When you hold resentment towards your spouse, you are tied to him/her as well as related events by an emotional bond that is stronger than steel. The more you think of your spouse as well as what he/she did to you, the worse you feel. So it is imperative to process your negative emotions and avoid emotional outbursts at that moment.
To help you release your emotions when you are resenting your spouse, you might follow the 3 simple steps below:
(1) Spend time on self-reflection:
When you are too damn full of resentment, you may not realize that your understanding of issues is quite superficial and simplistic, because you focus on your negative emotions and think about those resentful things endlessly instead of keeping things in perspective; hence, you should set aside time for self-reflection at that time.
If you can timely calm down yourself and quickly understand why you remain sullen and resentful, that’s good. If you can’t, you should also try to temporarily restrain yourself from any passive-aggressive actions against your spouse; in that situation, you might sit down to write down all the related issues and take some time to summarize their causes; writing is always a good way to calm yourself down, and it can help you gain clarity on an upsetting situation; when you focus on drilling down and pinpointing the root causes of the issues that are causing you to feel intense resentment, you are more inclined to take an objective and calm attitude towards your spouse.
Maybe you arbitrarily think that you have known very well why your spouse acts against you and why you feel resentful towards your spouse, so you feel no need to ponder about the situation. But after you calm down and reflect on your and your spouse’s behavior, probably you will sense that you haven’t fully understood the relationship issues before. Maybe you will get a further confirmation that resentment towards your spouse results from the pile-on of a series of unhappy or controversial events over a long time, and then you may stop dwelling on your spouse’s current destructive behavior that rankles you. Through your writing, you inevitably undergo some serious self-reflection; hence you will have a more clear view of the problems. This practice can only do you good and no harm at all whatsoever.
(2) Try to take a positive view of problems:
Try to approach the present situation from a more positive perspective. If you realize that you are holding onto an expectation that is kind of unrealistic, why not consider lowering it or letting it go off. Once you have identified the source of your resentment, you might think about whether there is an alternative view of it. Yes, there may be a very small number of marital issues that you can’t adopt a positive approach towards; but many times when we are resenting someone, our conception of an issue is more or less skewed, after all, we are not always thoughtful enough, we are affected by various emotions from time to time, and we may not see things in the other person’s perspective in the heat of the moment, then we may think ill of that person.
Therefore, you might consciously put yourself in your spouse’s shoes to understand him/her better when you are resenting over something critical that he/she did to you; in doing so, you are more likely to move towards a mutually-acceptable agreement/solution. Though embracing a positive perspective doesn’t mean that you should allow your spouse to continue behaving in a negative way, its purpose is to lead both of you to move in a positive direction and then work together to solve the problems head-on.
(3) Approach your spouse with the issues:
If you keep your mouth shut when you are feeling resentful and unfairly treated, your spouse may not be able to feel your pain. Whatever he does to cause resentment your spouse, as long as you don’t confide in him/her, your growing resentment may lead to increasing misunderstandings between the two of you, and probably you will be the only one who is feeling all the pain in the relationship. Don’t think that your spouse can read your mind accurately all the time; especially when things get complicated or when he/she ignores your feelings, he/she may not know how you are feeling about him/her unless you open up and disclose your painful feelings to him/her.
And in the face of a controversial problem, you might offer your spouse a positive compromise or solution that works for you both. In many cases, it is possible to take a compromise way to make things run smoothly. For example, if your partner is a workaholic, you do not have to ask him/her to massively cut the workload in a short time, yet you might ask him/her to temporarily put aside his/her work at some moments, such as dinner time, and date nights. Remember, don’t make unreasonable demands on your spouse; otherwise, you can hardly expect him/her to make a truly positive change. Think about acceptable adjustments that your spouse can make, maybe a small change in his/her habits can bring a positive change in your relationship and significantly reduce your resentment.
Then let’s talk about how to prevent your resentment from further ruining your marriage:
(1) Start with tackling a small problem:
It is very common for a person to become resentful just because of a burning sense of injustice. And in this long-term relationship, you may feel that sometimes you harbor the same resentment over a small matter as you would over a more serious issue; and a lot of unresolved minor issues can escalate into major problems that can create more resentment. Furthermore, the dissatisfaction over all kinds of minor issues can build up into resentment over time. So, from the point of resentment prevention, any marital problem should be dealt with properly, no matter how small it is.
On the other hand, a serious problem should be resolved from easy to difficult. If you have harbored resentment towards your spouse for a long time, probably things have already become more complicated now; and there may have been a series of relationship issues that cause you to resent your spouse. In this case, you might start by discussing minor issues (e.g. issues about meals, schedules, and other household chores), then gradually move to tackle a more serious issue like an intimacy issue and a financial issue. In this way, you can gain more confidence in being open with your spouse, thereby enhancing and propelling the overall problem-solving process.
(2) Communicate your expectations:
Sometimes you set up unrealistic expectations for your spouse and expect your spouse to live by them. But it is tough for him/her to act the way you expect; and once your spouse fails to live up to your expectation, especially when you think that he is aware of your needs and expectations in a certain aspect, then you may resent because you think that he/she is disrespecting, ignoring or not trusting you. But probably you foster resentment for your spouse about things that he/she unintentionally does but that he/she doesn’t know much about.
Disappointment and upset over unmet expectations is a common reason why many people resent their spouses. So be clear about what you expect from your spouse physically and emotionally, this means that anytime the two of you should clarify the roles you two divide and share in the management of the married life. Once there is divergence, you should talk it through and reach an agreement or compromise that you can both accept.
Remember, unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen, the reason is simple: your spouse can not live up to those expectations, and probably your spouse is also not interested in living up to an unrealistic expectation; when you expect too much from your spouse, it only burdens himself/herself, and that can give him a sense of grievance; but meanwhile, you also feel upset, shocked, and resentful.
(3) Let your spouse get in touch with your feelings:
Keep in mind that resentment does not go away on its own; instead, it grows with time, just like a widening crack. Knowing this, you should not bottle up your feelings of resentment and act passive-aggressively towards your spouse; the right approach is to let him/her get in touch with your feelings – take the initiative to tell your spouse what has been bothering you recently, why and how deeply. And what if you don’t do so? As unexpressed resentment accumulates, you will become increasingly apt to lose your emotions; once the uncontrolled emotional time comes, you can’t help speaking out what’s on your mind and expressing your feelings to your spouse in an aggressive way; no doubt, that makes it harder for him/her to accept your emotions and validate your feelings.
(4) Don’t think too badly of your spouse:
When you break away from your unrealistic expectations of perfection of your spouse and shift the focus to those good things he/she did for you, you subconsciously awaken to the fact – things are not so bad, your spouse certainly has many flaws, but also has many good traits.
When you resent your spouse, try to be empathetic with your spouse, or at least try to understand his/her perspective, and then think about what he/she offers to you and what you appreciate about him/her. You certainly have your own reasons for why you chose your spouse, and think about again what they are. Although your spouse may not meet your expectations in one area, probably he/she does a better job in another area. And when your heart is filled with resentment, you may have neglected a lot of great things that he/she did that you should have been grateful for. When it comes to what you think of your spouse, if you can think in this way, you will naturally shift yourself into a more positive mindset.
Next, let’s talk about what to do when your spouse resents you:
(1) Pay attention to the way you treat your spouse:
It is often the case that a person treats the one who is closest to him/her the worst. And that is also very common in many marital relationships.
When a couple feels unconditional trust, love, and caring, they feel safe to let down their guard and show their vulnerability to each other. But unfortunately, after years of marriage, a lot of people view their marriages as an emotional dumping ground when they are stressed about all kinds of problems; and they also feel no need to keep giving their spouses support, encouragement and appreciation that their spouses deserve. But for happy couples, they know well that they should treat their spouses in the same courteous, respectful way that they treat strangers and acquaintances. By contrast, in many unhappy marriages, people often complain that their spouses are so nice to people outside their marriages but treat them badly. And a lot of problematic couples are often caught in a vicious cycle of shame, blame, and criticism during conversations; they no longer feel safe, warm and comfortable when interacting with each other.
No doubt, when it comes to how to deal with resentment in your marriage, you need to consider the way you treat your spouse. So, you might carefully think about the way you treat other people in your life and then compare it with the way you treat your spouse. For example, you might check yourself whether you still wear a smile every time you see your spouse, whether you still comfort him/her when he/she is depressed, whether you are still appreciative or grateful for what your spouse has done for you, and whether you still listen to your spouse attentively like before…
(2) Let your spouse speak his/her mind:
Anytime, a couple should give each other enough space to chase what each other wants; in a happy marriage, a spouse always feels free to talk about what kind of life he/she wants to have in front of the other one.
So when your spouse announces what he/she plans or desires to do, make sure to have an open mind and give it a considerate consideration, regardless of how crazy his/her thought sounds. Resentment may creep into one spouse’s heart when the other one tells him/her that his/her plans/hopes/desires are silly or frivolous, or when the other one dismisses his/her ideas outright. And by talking through what your spouse wants/desires, you let your spouse feel that you value his/her ideas and opinion. In doing so, potential resentment towards you is not invited.
(3) Let your spouse feel empowered:
One way to prevent resentment in marriage is to let your partner feel a greater sense of control and authority and let him/her feel more valued in the relationship. And changing the power dynamics in your relationship does not mean that you have to make major adjustments. For instance, some small changes that you make in the way you interact with your spouse, the way you spend time together, or the way you discuss with your spouse may help your spouse feel more empowered. Here are some examples that can make this point clear.
- Share your daily calendars with your spouse and honor his/her engagements.
- Ask your spouse how he/she wants you to contribute to the married life. As long as his/her requests are reasonable, you might try to do the way he/she wants.
- Make major financial decisions together. When it comes to all kinds of family issues, you both should have a say.
- Encourage your spouse to pursue what he/she is passionate about, whether it is a volunteer opportunity, a hobby, or a career. If possible, make adjustments as needed to support him/her.
(4) Turn resentment into appreciation and gratitude:
When resentment replaces appreciation and gratitude, your spouse may feel that the relationship with you is like a burden.
Resentment is the opposite of gratitude. Resentment attracts more resentment, but gratitude can get you out of the loop of lowness, open you up to new possibilities, and set you free. Facing the same thing that someone does not well in that can not please other people, some people may select resentment over gratitude, yet some people may select gratitude over resentment. People may see the same thing differently. Likewise, you might change your perspective to deal with marital issues.
In your marriage, for the same matter, maybe you can also choose to express complaints or choose to express gratitude and appreciation. When your spouse fails to do something for you but you know he/she has worked hard, but if you complain that your spouse should have done more and done better, he/she tends to resent you because he/she thinks you do not understand him/her; on the contrary, when you sincerely say to him/her “thank you” or “I still appreciate your efforts”, he/she gets comfort from you, and he/she feels respected and appreciated; therefore, in the matter, he/she will not have resentment towards you.
The final word on resentment in marriage:
In a marital relationship, it does not do anything positive for one spouse to hang onto resentment towards the other, and it just acts as a thief robbing a couple of marital happiness. Yes, resentment is so common in marriage, but if taken for granted and left unresolved, it can ruin emotional intimacy on all levels. Anytime, you should not put aside resentment in your marriage, whether you or your spouse is resentful.
If resentment is posing a serious threat to your marriage and you need more marriage-saving tips on how to work through resentment in marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience. It will help you be more aware of how to deal with resentment in your marriage, regardless of whether you or your spouse is resentful/angry.
Maybe, you are also interested in the related post below:
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