Are you struggling with unmanaged anger in your marriage? And do you realize anger and resentment are wrecking your marriage?
If so, the following offers you tips on how to manage anger in marriage from two perspectives: your anger and your spouse’s anger.
First, let’s talk about how to manage your anger in your marriage, here are 4 strategies that you can apply to your relationship.
1 Use “I” statements:
Use more “I” statements as many as possible and meanwhile avoid or reduce the use of “You” statements, especially when you are expressing your feelings related to requests and giving your spouse feedback. Here is a typical example about how to express dissatisfaction over your partner’s behavior:” I feel a little resentful because the bank account is still being used without letting me know, I wonder whether you are willing to close it for making me feel relaxed and relieved”
By saying “I feel bad”, instead of saying “You make me feel bad” pointing the finger of blame at your spouse, you choose to take responsibility for your feelings rather than let your spouse bear all the responsibility. In particular, the same issue may anger someone but may not anger others when it is happening to different people. Likewise, sometimes your spouse’s action does not intend to anger you but you get angry eventually. In contrast with “You” statements, the “I “statements are very instrumental in avoiding or easing the unnecessary conflict.
2 Count to 10 before you speak:
More often than not, the energy of anger leads to impulsive actions that escalate tension between two parties. If allowed sufficient time to cool off, most people will become more self-controlled and be more likely to reduce their initial impulses. And probably this also applies to your situation.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” This is a quote from Thomas Jefferson. So to disarm your anger, you might also try to take a slow and deep breath between each number while counting to 10. Deep breathing helps counteract the impulsive reaction that underlies your anger. Doing it consciously not just helps you breathe in a sense of relaxation, soothing, and comfort; more importantly, it helps you focus your attention on the present moment again.
3 Engage with empathy:
As a spouse who wants to keep a marriage alive, you are supposed to have the willingness and ability to empathy – attempting to understand the feelings and experience of your significant half, even though he is doing something annoying or irritating you.
Surely, empathy is not necessarily a feeling you were born with; it usually takes some practice to develop empathy with your spouse. For instance, routine empathy should be actualized in daily life by checking in with your spouse about how he/she is feeling, observing the expression in his/her eyes, and giving him/her the benefit of the doubt regularly.
Once empathy becomes your habitual behavior, you will have less difficulty in getting past your anger and resentment in your marriage. Without empathizing with your spouse, you can hardly understand his/her viewpoint exactly. In a nutshell, routine empathy can go a long way toward overcoming confrontational situations or challenging situations that easily make you angry.
4 Increase physical intimacy:
When it comes to how to manage anger in marriage, increasing physical intimacy may bring problematic couples many unexpected benefits; simply put, you may try to hug and have sex with your spouse when you still hold resentment toward him/her. Yes, one or both of you are not there yet because the current relationship problem is still under the process of being addressed or rectified through ongoing discussions, you might fake it till you make it.
At this point, sex should be viewed as a form of deep connection that serves to alleviate resentment and anger.
Remember, even if you are both not in the same emotional state, by taking the initiative to connect physically with him/her, anger can be released or relieved to some extent. By the way, it is advisable to have sex regular in your married life, because such a scheduled connection may serve as an intangible role in putting a different light on dealing with marital issues.
The final word on your anger in the marriage:
Real management of anger must be based on the adjustment to your thinking. It means a change of your thinking and attitude that you interpret a situation in a way to diffuse negative emotions rather than allow them to upset you.
So when you are angry with your spouse, don’t forget to remind yourself that he/she is after all one of your eternal friends. Even though he/she sticks to his/her position that you don’t like, you should also avoid expressing your opinion in a confrontational manner that is full of aggression and defensiveness; instead, try your best to keep your temper tempered.
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Then let’s talk about how to manage your spouse’s anger:
1 Practice patience and compassion when your spouse is angry:
Behind anger always lie deep and vulnerable emotions like pain, sadness, or fear, which is usually less accessible for your spouse to address. His/her anger just serves as a temporary protective shield that makes him/her feel powerful and in control for a short period. But in the long run, his/her anger will only hurt himself/herself from within. This explains why you are supposed to have compassion toward your spouse and temporarily walk away from him/her, usually when he/she is furiously blaming you.
Patience is a useful antidote to anger and resentment. It entails being smart at the moment his/her anger arises. It is simply about waiting – don’t speak, and don’t do anything that may be reactive or automatic. Patience and compassion are both contributors to calming your spouse’s anger.
2 Reflect on your behavior:
While your spouse is being overwhelmed by anger, you are also easily being affected by his/her negative emotions; hence you may not timely reflect on your inappropriate behavior and you may just act as an aggressor or defender at that moment.
So when you admit to yourself that you are being frustrated by your angry spouse, you should consciously remind yourself to reflect on what you did may have provoked his/her anger against you. This also means further understanding what caused you to behave that way towards him/her. The more aware you are of the possible triggers, the more constructive and less reactive your response may become. In doing so, you are more likely to bring greater well-being to yourself and your spouse.
If you realize what you did that offended him/her, you should be responsible for your behavior and acknowledge your part. Owing up to your problems greatly helps reduce tension and encourages him/her to admit his/her problems as well.
3 When your spouse is angry, try to influence him/her rather than control him/her:
You do not have to expect to change or control your spouse. What you can do to him is to influence him/her by showing him/her the benefits of your position. In doing so, you will create a conducive environment for negotiation and cooperation.
There is a saying that you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar. Likewise, when you treat your spouse with kindness, it is more likely that he/she will get closer to you; during the process, probably he/she will also try to understand why you think that way.
4 De-escalate and neutralize emotionally when your spouse is angry:
The more you try to control him/her when he/she is angry, the more defensive and uncooperative he/she becomes. From this point of view, it is very unwise to express anger in response to your spouse’s anger. The best approach to getting him/her to calm down as soon as possible is to allow your spouse to vent anger without doing anything. The calmer you remain, the more quickly your spouse’s anger may subside.
In doing so, you will de-escalate the tense situation. The real aim of de-escalation is to reduce the emotional intensity between the two of you and thereby save energy for fostering cooperation.
5 Be assertive and respectful:
An effective communicator can be assertive and respectful at the same time. It means that during the conversation, you should take a position where you can express your opinion respectfully and directly while considering your spouse’s wants and feelings. Acting and speaking in an assertively respectful manner can make your spouse feel that you are honest, confident, and open. Meanwhile, by being assertive, you also empower him/her to assume his/her share of responsibility.
Be assertive, but don’t be aggressive. Don’t blur the difference between “being assertive” and “being aggressive”. There is a sharp difference between these two communication styles. Let’s have a close look at the comparison between them:
Aggressive communication:
- Denying others’ rights.
- Winning at all costs.
- Be emotionally charged.
- Damaging others’ self-esteem.
- Lacks empathy and consideration for others.
Assertive communication:
- Not intending to hurt others.
- Be fair, honest, and direct.
- Allowing others to save face.
- Practicing active listening.
- Not intending to express anger or other negative emotions.
- Expressing emotions using positive body language (e.g. eye contact, standing up straight, leaning a bit, a smile, a neutral facial expression, and directly facing a speaker/listener).
6 Understand and validate:
When your spouse feels ignored and disappointed, he/she may act angrily to demand your attention because he/she may think he/she is not being taken seriously, not being appreciated, or not being listened to.
To avoid inflaming his/her anger, you are advised to act as a more attentive listener to let him/her feel understood and heard. Try your best not to be affected by the strong negative emotions that your spouse expressed. And look deeply into his/her anger by trying to understand his/her innermost needs and desires.
And it is also important to actively validate his/her feelings and experiences when he/she is angry. It doesn’t mean that you need to always agree with all his/her opinion; it just shows that you are recognizing and considering his/her perspective. The key to validation lies in being present and attempting to understand the other side genuinely. Actually, this is not a difficult-to-learn trick, many times when you are trying to validate your spouse’s feelings, you just need to reflect what you hear exactly – for example, “I hear you say …, is that correct?” You just need to do this without judgment or assumption while being calm, compassionate, and clear.
7 Address issues when your spouse’s anger subsides:
When your spouse’s emotional state is charged with anger, his/her cognitive state is impaired. And there is little sense in addressing your marital issues as long as his/her anger still dominates. To establish a rational discussion, you should allow enough time for his/her negative energy to settle.
When both of you are collected and calm, it is easier to address issues that resulted in your spouse’s angry behavior. At that stage, your spouse may become open to understanding and listening. By the way, this manner should be regarded as a universal rule about how to manage anger in marriage; and surely it also applies to you when you are angry with your spouse. When your anger is provoked, allow yourself time to calm down. Remember, anger just fuels anger, and a calm mind promotes a calmer atmosphere.
The final word on your spouse’s anger:
It is unwise to return anger with anger, because many times your spouse may not know well how to manage his/her anger in the heat of the moment.
You may have already painfully discovered that anger is detrimental to your marriage, and that anger undermines each other’s well-being. When your spouse is angry, his/her negative attitude and behavior drains your energy, leaving you feeling unheard and frustrated. However, as we all know, anger is the byproduct of feeling disappointed, disrespected, misunderstood, hurt, sad, and disillusioned…, no one can always avoid those bad feelings, and your spouse is also not exceptional. But nevertheless, as you understand your spouse more and more and you better meet your spouse’s emotional needs, you will suffer from fewer and fewer negative emotions of your spouse.
The conclusion:
After you apply the above strategies to your marriage, you will realize that the process of how to manage anger in marriage is mainly about learning how to channel the energy between you two to things that move your relationship forward.
If certain angry issues are tearing your marriage apart and you need more expert tips on how to deal with anger and resentment in marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you will also be interested in the related posts below:
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.
Top 5 things married couples fight about – Most common fights in marriage.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.