Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse never leaves a visible mark on the victim. But it is a typical form of emotional abuse because it unavoidably makes the victim suffer emotionally. Emotional scars often take longer to heal than physical scars. In many cases, passive-aggressive remarks are even more hurtful to a victim than physical violence. So, never dismiss its potential harm on your relationship if your husband habitually abuses you verbally.
When it comes to how to deal with verbal abuse from your husband, you have to be aware that you can not control him all the time. However, what you always can do to handle his verbal abuse is to change the way you respond to it.
First, let’s discuss how to react to his abusive behavior in the four ways below:
(1)Recognize that you are being verbally attacked:
Although a verbal assault is not as obvious as a kick or a punch, it is still an attack. Your husband attempts to hurt you with verbal abuse. He deliberately wants you to feel discomfort and pain. He wants to feel that he has influence, power, and control over his spouse. He wants you to feel sad, hurt, and angry; as an abuser, he may have become quite skilled in instigating your negative feelings. Yes, it is impossible to ask you to always ignore his abusive behaviors when he is attacking you verbally; after all, your internal self-defense against his verbal attack can be automatically activated in the heat of the moment, although such self-defense can be as invisible as his abusive words; therefore, it is necessary for you to timely clearly recognize his verbal abuse so that you can ignore it or properly defend yourself against it, rather than fall in his trap.
(2) Change your belief about the event:
In your marriage, every emotionally charged situation always involves three issues: the triggering event, your thoughts about the event as from the point of view of a victim, and your resulting feelings as well as behavior. More often than not, you may jump from the event straight to your feelings without giving yourself enough time to fully think about the event.
Actually, as long as you spend a bit more time thinking about those emotionally triggering events while you are tempted to respond to him, your negative emotions and behavior can be reduced. The fewer negative emotions you express, the less likely that he reacts to you aggressively; hence, his verbal abuse can be handled to some extent.
No doubt, it is always a good policy to think before you act, regardless of any event that you face.
(3) Avoid unhealthy negative emotions:
No doubt, you don’t have reasons to feel happy when you are abused; but it is important to recognize the difference between unhealthy negative emotions and healthy ones. Referring back to #1, if your mind is occupied by those thoughts that produce unhealthy negative emotions, you easily feel things like self-hatred, anxiety, and rage. But if you hold on to thoughts that generate healthy negative emotions, you will experience your feelings like disappointment, sadness, and frustration.
For a victim of verbal abuse, it is appropriate to have healthy negative feelings when being abused. However, unhealthy negative emotions can spiral the victim into more counter-productive behavior and deep feelings of getting stuck in a terrible situation.
(4) Have clear personal boundaries:
Re-establish solid, personal safe boundaries on behavior that you will not accept from him, and enforce them. Actually, there have already existed personal boundaries between you and your husband, whether you notice them or not in your marriage; when your relationship is harmonic, you are both careful not to overstep the personal boundaries between you. But as your husband becomes verbally abusive, the old personal boundaries erode gradually; as an abuser, he gains access to your safe emotional zones without your permission, and cause harm to you mentally and emotionally. Beyond question, a marriage without clear personal boundaries is bound to have destructive outcomes.
By setting personal boundaries again, you can remind him to recognize his abusive behavior and be on the outlook for them.
(5) Address his verbal abuse in real-time:
As his verbal abuse occurs, you should catch the chance to point out the abusive behavior that he may not realize that he is doing. By addressing his abuse in real-time, you empower yourself, and meanwhile, you can remind yourself to set the stage for applying the way #1-3. Don’t always think about how difficult addressing the abuse is. If you really do not know how to put an end to his verbal abuse, the easiest way is to call out him once he strikes, and then say to him: “stop it”.
And the following points out 4 tips on how to deal with verbal abuse from your husband:
(1) Verbal abuse should not be tolerated in any case:
Your husband’s abuse should never be justified, don associate his abusive behavior with other things, and then tolerate such behavior by thinking that it may be also your fault; so when he abuses you verbally, you do not have to walk away feeling guilty or ashamed.
(2) Sometimes you have to leave:
As soon as you feel that his verbal abuse tends to escalate to physical abuse, you had better leave. After all, your personal safety is more important than the marital relationship.
(3) Try to avoid knee-jerk reactions:
As the victim in the verbally abusive relationship, you must be often tempted to make a knee-jerk reaction to your abusive husband. Instinctively, you would attempt to reason with your abusive husband in response to his loud rants or derogatory remarks. For example, when he negatively defines you as a child or liar, naturally you will attempt to convince him why his labels are wrong. You expect him to become a normal adversary in doing so. But the fact is that it is ineffective to reason with him while he is abusing you.
In addition, such a reaction only rewards him further, because he likes the sense of power over your emotions. Hence, you should take back your power, rather than continue to dance to his tune.
You just can confront him later on about his abusive behavior and let him clearly know you can’t tolerate it.
(4) Avoid engaging in conflict when he is angry:
You must find that conflict happens more and more frequently as your relationship becomes abusive. Your abusive husband tends to be angry by temperament. In the misconception #3, it has been mentioned that an impulsive reaction from you is exactly what your abusive husband wants, while he is abusing you verbally. To prevent his verbal abuse, you should also not give him what he exactly wants – engaging in conflict with him; just keep calm and walk away once he appears angry.
More perceptions of your verbally abusive husband:
A verbally abusive husband may act out of male privilege in the marital relationship. He may fail to understand why his wife is not able to conform to a conventional role. His verbal abuse may not be only about chauvinism, the constant use of abuse may also imply that he feels safe enough to put his own perceived “feminine side” into his wife. He wants his wife to always act like the woman he dreams, so the reality often doesn’t correspond with his expectations.
In an abusive marriage, abusive behavior usually begins when one party decides to resolve conflict in a wrong way; instead of seeking a solution based on the conditions of the policy of joint agreement (in a healthy marriage, a couple needs to work together to handle marital issues by mutual agreement), one spouse makes an effort to force a solution on the other one; especially for an abusive husband, he will spare no efforts to increase the force until he browbeats his wife into submission.
Detect all forms of verbal abuse:
To stop him from abusing you further, you should be on guard against all forms of his verbal abuse, especially some subtle forms of verbal abuse that you may overlook in daily life.
Surely, direct and obvious abuse, such as lying, blaming, ordering, name-calling, raging, judging, and threats are quite easy to recognize. The following wants you to pay attention to detect other common but subtle forms of verbal abuse that may be as harmful as those overt forms. Although they are less noticeable, as you experience them over time, they can have a deleterious and insidious effect – making you doubt and distrust yourself. Therefore, don’t dismiss the forms of verbal abuse below:
(1) Opposing:
Your abusive husband may deliberately challenge your thoughts, perceptions, and opinions by arguing against anything you say. Usually, when he is abusing you, he doesn’t want to listen to you, and he also refuses to communicate his thoughts and feelings; on the contrary, he just regards you as an adversary who he has to stand to your opposite side to criticize. So, it is tough to try to launch a constructive conversation when he takes a hostile attitude towards you.
(2) Blocking:
In addition to aborting a normal conversation with the direct use of rude words like “Shut up”, he may also attempt to disturb the peaceful atmosphere by discussing various sensitive topics. For many abusers, switching topics is a customary tactic that makes it easy to accuse a victim.
(3) Discounting and belittling:
An abusive husband may attempt to use this tactic to trivialize or minimize your experiences, thoughts, and feelings caused by his verbal abuse. It is virtually a way of saying “you are wrong” or “your feelings don’t matter”.
(4) Undermining and interrupting:
He may have ever said things like “you haven’t the brains to realize what you are saying” to interrupt your speech, pretending to speak on your behalf. This kind of word is a blow to your confidence and self-esteem.
(5) Denying:
To justify himself for his abusive and manipulative behavior, he may deny certain promises or agreements that he made or that other significant things (including the prior verbal abuse) that took place.
…
Should you put up with his verbal abuse?
It is an undeniable fact that numerous married women keep up the façade of the “warm and harmonious family” due to societal pressure.
Regardless of the reasons why he abuses you, you must recognize that his abuse takes a toll on your mental and physical health. And it can be poisonous for people in the vicinity, especially other family members.
The more verbal abuse you put up with, the more emotional scars you have, and the bigger the rip in your marriage becomes.
The final word:
You just can do your best to cope with his verbal abuse, and you just need to take responsibility for your responses, reactions, and your dignity; if you can’t stop his verbal abuse, you do not have to blame yourself; after all, abusive words are coming out of his mouth, especially if he has treated it as a lifestyle.
However, you should let him know he can’t take back his misspoken words, and that saying sorry will not undo the damage. Let him realize he has to stop the abusive behavior if he really wants to maintain the marriage.
If you are stuck in an abusive marriage and frustrated with his verbal abuse for a long time, maybe you should reconsider your relationship choice.
If it is new, view it as a red flag of your marital relationship. His verbal abuse is a manifestation of who he is…
Last but not least, an abusive marriage is always about serious imbalances in power, and it should not be addressed by the abused; what is worse, abuse tends to escalate and even sometimes becomes life-threatening; and when you feel threatened and insecure in the relationship, you should be aware of one thing – safety outweighs staying in the marriage.
For more tips on how to deal with a verbally abusive relationship, you might go on to read the pages below:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond.
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse.
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