Do you often feel like your spouse is pulling away? Maybe this makes you think about whether you are making some mistakes or whether you should try harder to make him/her love you… However, if you find that your spouse is happy about the relationship status, it means that he has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style; so generally, you do not have to take this personally. But anyway, there are a lot of things that you can do to help your dismissive-avoidant spouse feel secure and close to you.
Here are some practical tips about how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse:
1 Learn to understand your spouse:
Dismissive-avoidant individuals are comfortable living independently; and if their partners can not deeply understand their psychology behind the behavior pattern, their partners can easily feel like they are emotionally detached in the relationship.
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style lack the desire to maintain an intimate bond with others, their partners are also not exceptional; generally, there was a constant lack of nurturing in their childhood; and this makes them form a strong view about what others look at them: nobody other than themselves will really be there for them, so they have become withdrawn since their childhood. For them, withdrawing is a way to protect themselves from extra harm. And they tend to carry the same defensive attitude into their marriages later in their life. Hence, they may look down on their spouses when their spouses express the need for a deep emotional connection.
In most cases, when your spouse becomes avoidant, he/she is not emotionally checked out, and he/she just does not want to be close to you at that time. Especially if you know well that he/she is introverted and not talkative, you should remind yourself not to think badly of him/her.
Moreover, if you realize that your spouse undergoes a prolonged, silent period without calling or texting you, it can be a warning sign that he/she feels unhappy in the marriage; then you need to carefully think about possible reasons for this abnormal behavior; for example, maybe he/she feels that you let him/her down in some way, or maybe he/she is projecting his/her disappointment or fear onto you…
2 Give your spouse space:
When your spouse withdraws, you do not have to chase after him/her. A dismissive-avoidant spouse needs a lot of alone time. Especially when he/she feels afraid of being hurt by you, he/she may pull away. If you can’t give your spouse the room he/she needs to sort through his/her feelings, he/she will hardly feel secure around you later. For example, if your spouse says that he/she wants to spend a night alone, you might agree with his/her request, and you do not have to frequently text or call him/her during that night.
Even sometimes when your spouse becomes avoidant, your attempt to get close may make him/her feel uncomfortable because he/she doesn’t know how to deal with intimacy at that time; so don’t interfere with him/her, leave him/her alone, and you do not have to take your spouse’s distance personally.
3 Be open about what you need and want:
Your dismissive-avoidant spouse may have a hard time communicating with you, especially if you become emotional. Therefore, don’t complain about things that your spouse hasn’t done that you would like him/her to do; if you feel upset or angry, you should give yourself some time to cool off before talking to him/her. And if you notice that something is not functioning in your relationship, you need to set clear boundaries – In a calm voice, proactively tell your spouse what you want from him/her. Remember, you had better not let your spouse guess what you want; if possible, show clear examples.
Surely, there are also times when your dismissive-avoidant spouse does not react well to your request; after all, you can not control your spouse, so you might be open to compromise if something is not a big deal.
4 Be supportive:
A dismissive-avoidant spouse tends to feel alone and reluctant to open up; however, there are still times when he/she feels the need to talk to you about something; at that time, you might attentively listen to him/her without interrupting/criticizing him/her; he/she just wants you to be a compassionate listener, he/she wants you to support him/her emotionally, and he/she may not expect you to give any advice about how to fix a problem. Surely, if you notice that he/she is hesitating to ask for your advice, tell him/her that you are open to helping him/her.
Being supportive is a generally effective approach to maintaining a healthy relationship, but it is vital to assist a dismissive-avoidant spouse because he/she desires to feel very secure around his/her partner. Although your avoidant spouse seems like he/she does not need anybody’s assistance, he/she still wants to feel loved and accepted by his/her partner.
5 Show your spouse that he/she can depend on you:
To remain happily married with your dismissive-avoidant spouse, you must have enough patience to deepen his/her trust in you. Probably, in the past, your spouse often felt let down by people around him/her, so it takes a long time for him/her to trust someone new. On the other hand, what you can do is showing your initiative and willingness to keep your promises that you make to him/her. As your spouse finds that you always follow through on commitments that you make, he/she will trust you more over time. Surely, don’t expect your spouse to quickly place a high level of trust in you; trust needs to be built bit by bit, so you might start with small things; as long as you keep fulfilling those feasible promises, he/she will see that he/she can trust you to do bigger things for him/her.
6 Accept your spouse for who he/she is:
Don’t attempt to change your spouse in your desired way. While it is ok to ask your spouse to make positive changes, keep in mind that it is your spouse’s experiences up to now that have shaped him/her into who he/she is. Many times, your spouse may not change as you want; after all, you and your spouse see a lot of things differently. Especially if you want a partner to be constantly affectionate and warm, then your avoidant partner is not suitable. But as long as you strive to build a secure, trusting relationship with him/her, he/she can feel more comfortable with you over time.
7 Bond by doing things together:
Sometimes your dismissive-avoidant spouse’s emotions are overwhelming, and he/she feels uncomfortable with romantic things. In this situation, you might try to find some simple things to do together; when your spouse works side-by-side with you and some activity occupies his/her body and mind, he/she is more likely to feel relaxed, and this will help him/her feel closer to you. So you might consider hiking, painting, going on bike rides, and so on.
8 When your spouse does something you like, let him/her know it.
To encourage your spouse to be close with you, you need to focus on the positive things that he/she does than those negative things. So if your spouse does something that you are pleased with, point it out.
Of course, you don’t have to exaggerate about what he/she has done right, just make it easy for him/her to know that you are pleased and gratified to see him/her do something good. In this way, he/she will be more comfortable doing such a type of thing in the future. For example, you might say something like ”Thanks, I appreciate you doing this for us!”. Even if your spouse does not do something well, as long as he/she has tried hard, you might also show your appreciation; keep in mind that your dismissive-avoidant spouse is very sensitive, so you do not have to point out what he/she could have done better, and you had better not mix praise and criticism because it can result in an opposite effect – your dismissive-avoidant spouse is very likely to feel discouraged to do nice things for you.
9 Focus on yourself:
When your spouse is avoidant, don’t pester him/her; don’t sit motionlessly, waiting for him/her to contact you; otherwise, he/she will feel that you are too codependent; instead, you might spend more time doing those things that you enjoy. Actually, every spouse must learn to spend some of their time without relying on their spouses. So you might make more time for your hobbies, interests, and friends.
When you become more self-sufficient, it helps relieve your spouse’s pressure to support you emotionally. Interestingly, this will also make you more attractive to him/her.
The final word:
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style creates distance, limits communication, and reduces passion in a marriage. A dismissive-avoidant spouse’s behavior often leaves the other one feeling unimportant, frustrated, abandoned, or confused. And this kind of relationship needs to be fixed due to its weak emotional connection between spouses.
For more tips on how to survive and thrive in an unhappy marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
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