Your spouse was always attentive to you; you and your spouse used to spend a lot of time communicating each other’s feelings and thoughts. But now your spouse just can’t be bothered to talk with you. You realize that emotional disconnection is sapping the trust, happiness, comfort, and intimacy in your marriage. When you live in an emotionally disconnected marriage, you both suffer. And feeling emotionally disconnected is a sign of a failing marriage, and it can lead to a series of emotional crises, such as below:
- Loneliness and depression:
Do you sill remember that you and your spouse vowed to live together forever at your wedding ceremony? But now disenchantment and loneliness become the constant companions, you feel as if you were living alone in your married life. It is a disheartening situation; as you feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse, you feel more and more lonely and depressed.
For more tips on how to stop feeling lonely in your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
Causes of loneliness – Tips to stop feeling lonely in marriage for wives.
- Self-doubt:
Self-doubt can paralyze you mentally. When emotional disconnection in marriage becomes a normal state, you can not help doubting yourself. Maybe you doubt whether or not you are a good spouse, whether or not your spouse is willing to communicate his/her emotional needs, whether or not your spouse is suspecting that you are having an affair? … Self-doubt can trigger endless, idle, and pointless speculation about your spouse, thereby leading to your paranoia, low self-esteem, and jealousy.
- Growing distant:
The emotional disconnection in marriage can cause a detrimental snowball effect. The more you attempt to get your spouse to connect (but you receive no response), the more emotionally disconnected you feel. Once this feeling builds up to a high level, you will be discouraged and then give up the thought of sharing more of yourself with your spouse both mentally and sexually.
- Infidelity:
In the emotionally disconnected marriage, you are inclined to feel that your spouse no longer cares about your needs (your regular sexual needs are also included). To a great extent, being emotionally neglected means being sexually neglected. As you feel lonely and neglected day by day, your resentment and anger towards your spouse will grow stronger and stronger. Coupled with the constant feeling of uncertainty and insecurity, these lingering negative emotions may tempt you to find someone else to meet your emotional needs and even sexual needs; likewise, over time, your spouse may also think about having an extramarital affair to fulfill his/her unmet needs in the marital relationship.
Gain an in-depth understanding of an emotionally disconnected marriage:
Emotional disconnection is never something that happens overnight; it is a slow burn issue that develops over time; although both sides truly engage in emotional distancing behavior, a couple in an emotionally disconnected marriage often fails to recognize it in time. In particular, emotional disconnection often happens to those couples who are too busy with daily chores or all sorts of important matters, such as working, study, and raising children.
When you are feeling emotionally disconnected, maybe you do not fully understand how emotional disconnection is linked to certain relationship problems. However, you have to acknowledge that the more you feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse, the more problems arise.
Emotional disconnection can involve a wide range of issues in life. Although lack of communication is thought to be the most common factor of couples’ emotional disconnection, only when it is mingled with other life and relationship issues (e.g. holidays, illness, caring for each other, loans, the daily grind of looking after children, conflict with in-laws, and so on), it can drive a wedge between spouses.
Let’s talk about how to heal an emotionally disconnected marriage:
Emotional disconnection is never a problem that can fix itself. The longer you wait to tackle this unspoken problem, the more difficult it becomes, and the more hurt you both feel. And as long as you want to keep your marriage alive, you should take action to shake off this dire state as soon as possible.
And here are 4 tips to reconnect with your spouse when you feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse:
(1) Recognize the moments when your spouse needs you:
Many times, couples don’t pay enough attention to meet each other’s deep emotional needs; but generally, they don’t hold malice against each other.
So, the first step to becoming more connected with your spouse is to recognize those micro-moments; this is necessary not only for intimacy and romance but also for mutual trust in the marriage.
Don’t take everyday things that your spouse does for granted. For example, when noticing that your spouse is breathlessly running around emptying bins and cleaning up, don’t stand aside, step forward, and give him/her a hand with it; even though your spouse does not open his/her mouth to ask you to do together, actually your spouse needs your help at that moment; helping your spouse with everyday chores occasionally may even bring more benefits to your relationship than taking him/her on vacation.
(2) Pay attention to your manner of speaking:
In an emotionally disconnected marriage, a spouse may remain unmoved by the other one’s request just because of the speaker’s negative way of expression. For example, when you are shouting to your spouse “You always forget to empty the trash!”, your spouse may pay little attention to what you are saying to him/her, so where does his/her attention go? Most likely your spouse has focused too hard on your tone because your voice is full of reproach. No wonder that your spouse will react in a defensive manner at that moment; but probably, you do not want your tone to make sense, you just want him/her to hear your words.
In addition, when you are criticized by your spouse, you should also avoid defensively responding to him/her in the heat of the moment. The correct approach is to pause for a while, recall his/her words, and think about what he/she wants you to do ultimately; by this approach, there is a good chance that you will turn the focus to the thing itself; especially if your spouse’s request is constantly wrapped in criticism, you should give yourself a gentle reminder at that moment; in doing so, probably you will feel more relaxed and be more willing to accept your spouse’s request.
Through the explanation above, you may feel the need to improve your manner of speaking.
(3) Find targeted questions that make your spouse interested in a conversation:
Do you often assume that you have known your spouse well? Specifically, do you understand your spouse’s stresses and worries? Do you really know his/her aspirations and hopes? Do you feel the change of his/her thinking? Maybe you insist that you can read your spouse’s mind exactly without asking him/her to tell anything, but mind-reading is not an accurate way to understand each other; to understand your spouse on a deep level, you need to make efforts to put each other in a place where you can both share honestly and openly.
Even though you have been married for years, there is still a long way to go to understand your spouse and share each other’s inner world. And the majority of emotionally disconnected relationships expose a serious lack of communication; maybe, you retort that you always maintain verbal communication with your spouse, but you are clear that the patterns of communication have been toxic. So if you really want to survive the emotionally disconnected marriage, you need to foster open communication with each other.
In order to better understand your spouse during communication, it is important to pay attention to 3 aspects when you initiate a conversation with your spouse – Asking questions, remembering his/her answers, and keeping asking questions. The process of asking and answering questions is a reflection of the emotional investment that you two make in the relationship. For example, your spouse tends to feel bored with answering repetitive or idle questions, in that situation, he/she will want to end the conversation as soon as possible, and you can hardly expect a positive emotional interaction during this process; instead, if your question is very relevant to what your spouse is concerned about, he/she is very likely to feel the need to communicate with you more, no matter how emotionally distant he/she is in the relationship.
Furthermore, raising a targeted or interesting question and giving an informative answer both require your deep deliberation of a certain issue.
In short, the more openly you communicate with your spouse, the more chances you have of enhancing an emotional connection with him/her.
(4) Show your spouse respect and appreciation:
Think of times when you interrupted your spouse and then started to express your point of view; or ask yourself whether you have ever used your spouse’s flaws or wrongdoings to get back at him/her. Such a manner is not only impolite but also forms an obstacle to fostering mutual respect and understanding. Unavoidably, everyone has some character flaws, and your spouse is also not exceptional; if you choose to focus on your spouse’s inadequacies/wrongdoings/faults, the relationship tends to deteriorate. To make your marriage thrive, you should not deliberately trip him/her up; instead, you should learn to fully accept who he/she is.
In addition to avoiding disrespectful behavior, you should also consciously make your spouse feel appreciated. For example, when your spouse tells you that you forgot to wash dishes and that he/she has done it already, in that case, you might appreciate him/her for that, rather than take that for granted; and when you catch him/her doing something appropriate for you, you might also say “Thank you, I appreciate your doing.” When your spouse feels that his/her performance is duly recognized, your spouse feels a bit more emotionally connected, even though he/she may be still silent at that moment; so showing appreciation should be viewed as a type of sustainable, profitable emotional investment.
Love is not entirely built on the basis of the material, such as family vacation, and pretty gifts. The most significant part of a happy marriage relationship necessarily demands the ongoing emotional connection based on respect and appreciation.
The final word:
Communication and emotional connection are two intimately blended aspects of a marriage relationship. When you can communicate with each other smoothly, you have less trouble feeling emotionally disconnected. In addition, healthy marriage requires ongoing mutual support, recognition, and compassion, especially during a stressful time. You and your spouse’s feelings do not have to match, but your words and actions should convey acceptance and understanding. To strengthen the relationship bond, you need to make your spouse feel respected and accepted.
In fact, many times people in an emotionally disconnected marriage are desperate for connection, but even more desperate to not feel the pain anymore; therefore, they reject attempts at reconnection initially.
Moreover, it is worthwhile to seek valuable tips from someone else who can help you clarify your feelings and thoughts and rebuild a bridge to reconnect with your spouse emotionally.
And if you want to learn more about how to save a connection-starved marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
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6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
What not to do when your spouse wants out – Save the marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
What should you do when you are separated from your spouse?
7 easily unnoticed signs of emotional detachment in marriage.