Trust in marriage is a solid belief that one spouse believes that the other one will always do what is right and deliver on what is promised regardless of the situation. But once one spouse breaches that mutual trust, a marriage can be severely compromised.
Rebuilding trust in marriage can not be assumed automatically; it requires both parties to do the necessary work.
Next, let’s discuss how to fix a marriage without trust:
If you are the one who has broken the trust, here’re some basic principles that may help restore your spouse’s trust in you:
1 Listen without being defensive:
Now your spouse is not sure who you are; his/her image of you has already been tarnished. He/she trusted you so much that he/she always fully exposed his/her vulnerability to you, but eventually, your dishonesty/betrayal hurt him/her so bad. Now she fears that he/she will be emotionally hurt or betrayed again if he/she continues to emotionally invest in the relationship.
Don’t assume that the broken trust just means you have committed an act that has undermined your credibility. Especially if you were caught hiding some money or were caught lying about something, don’t get defensive by trivializing the seriousness of the issue. Otherwise, you will hurt your spouse more.
And it is unavoidable that sometimes you or your spouse may mention something about your insincerity/dishonesty/betrayal; in such a situation, you should try to avoid those statements that sound like you are trying to defend or justify yourself, such as “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”, “That was not my intention!”, or “Wasn’t it you who put me in that position?”.
2 Admit your actions:
Anyway, to regain your spouse’s trust, you should not justify anything you did/said that hurt him/her. Admitting your wrong actions has three aspects below:
- Be honest with your spouse; in particular, be honest about what you have said or done when he/she asks you related questions.
- Take full responsibility for your actions: of course, you should not make up all kinds of excuses for your dishonest or deceitful behavior; but it does not mean you do not have to give your spouse an explanation when your spouse wants to deeply understand how and why you said/did something hurtful to him/her. Otherwise, he/she may still feel puzzled and misunderstand you. And this kind of explanation may not make your spouse forgive you, but you need to do so.
- Your apology should stick to related issues and must be sincere. Especially if you sense that your spouse has felt emotionally betrayed by some of your actions, you should try to empathize with how those actions affected him/her.
3 Accept that your spouse has been emotionally hurt:
After you break a promise or betray your spouse, you can hardly foresee the gravity of its impact; and probably the impact is also out of your control.
Your dishonesty and betrayal can affect your spouse in a range of ways because it can be associated with personal experiences, personality, relationship history… So you need to take your time to think about its impact deeply. And it is also painful for you to try to understand how you have caused him/her such hurt, sadness, or anger. Sometimes, you may feel reluctant to go on to recall those things which you have a guilty conscience about, or you may attempt to console yourself with thoughts like “He/she just takes that too seriously!”, and “I don’t think that it can affect him/her so much!” But this is just an attempt to minimize or lessen the emotional pain of your spouse; believe it or not, even though you just entertain such a thought without voicing it, sooner or later he/she will still sense the insincerity in you.
4 Give your spouse enough space to express emotions
If you want to rebuild trust, you may need to provide your spouse a safe space to share his/her emotions. As you know, your spouse has already been emotionally hurt by your dishonesty or betrayal; and you can not know how much his/her negative emotions have been suppressed. His/her repressed emotions can be a barrier to communication with you. And as long as your spouse can’t feel safe to express his/her intense feelings to you, she will go on to hold those emotions in a repressive, negative manner. Hence, you should encourage your spouse to release his/her emotions and share his/her pain, especially after your spouse has exhibited the behavior – he/she was about to speak, then faltered, and shut his/her mouth eventually.
5 Apologize:
When it comes to how to fix a marriage without trust, apologizing is a must for a cheating spouse. But it may be not enough to make only one apology.
To repair the broken trust, you may need to apologize to your spouse more than once. Initially, you may need to apologize for your actions themselves; after some time, you may have better understood the consequences of your wrong actions, you may need to apologize for the consequences; and when you recognize the increased tension, or when you notice your spouse has more difficulty functioning in this marriage, you may need to apologize again for your actions that have changed the dynamic of the relationship… And it is better to be specific about things you want to apologize for.
As much as you desire your spouse to forgive you, direct your energy into expressing your remorse for those hurtful things you have done. And put yourself in your spouse’s shoes: after you break your word or betray him/her, probably he/she also badly wants you to feel deep remorse for your actions as well as their effects. Therefore, make sure to avoid making those seemingly insincere apologies, such as “I have apologized to you! Isn’t that enough?”, “I’m sorry, OK?”, and “I’ve already apologized, what else?”
6 Make necessary changes:
This has wide implications. This may mean you need to share passwords for your phone, bank accounts, or social media; this may mean you need to share more about what is happening at work; or this may mean you need to change the way you interact with your friends or co-workers… If your spouse realizes that you are stubborn about making significant changes that may increase his/her trust in you, or if your spouse finds that you don’t want to make changes to reduce the likelihood of a similar situation that can cause distrust, hurt, and insecurity, he/she will be disappointed at you.
To earn your spouse’s trust back, making a series of positive and realistic changes is a necessary step.
7 Be patient:
Regaining your spouse’s trust is bound to be a time-consuming process, and you can’t rush it; after all, whether or not to trust you again is his/her right, so you should respect him/her. Your spouse may think differently about your dishonest/deceitful behavior at different times. So you should be psychologically prepared to accept that he/she may frequently play hot and cold with you.
Your spouse needs enough time to rebuild an image of you; in the meanwhile, you should keep on acting for the best even though sometimes your spouse acts as if he/she will not trust you anymore. More specifically, you should be devoted to earning your spouse’s trust with compassion, humility, and patience. Therefore, make sure to avoid those statements showing that you are running out of patience, such as “It is long enough, now what?”, and “Do you want to keep doing this do me?”
If you are the one who was betrayed or cheated on, the tips below may help you fix the marriage:
1 Learn to forgive:
Forgiveness does not mean you have to forget those unpleasant things or act like nothing ever happened. Understandably, you can hardly forget something hurtful your spouse did to you, how his/her betrayal/lying made you feel, and how his/her betrayal/lying affected you as well as your marriage. Learning to forgive just means that you should try to let go of your unpleasant past rather than allow it to affect your present and future. More specifically, when you no longer treat your cheating spouse based on the bad emotions that his/her betrayal/lying caused, you have learned to forgive. Surely, it takes time.
Moreover, forgiving your cheating spouse isn’t the same thing as trusting him/her again. And forgiving your spouse also does not necessarily mean that you have to reconcile with him/her immediately. In other words, before you trust your spouse again or your spouse proves that he/she has become trustworthy again, you might consider forgiving him/her first.
2 Don’t withhold your bad feelings:
Suppressing or hiding your bad feelings can lead to a lot of negative, unhealthy emotions. On the other hand, probably your spouse also desires you to express your innermost feelings to him/her. We all need to learn to vent our feelings when we are very upset or inhibited. Even though you are unwilling to share your feelings with your spouse now, you might consider expressing yourself emotionally in front of your good friends.
If you always suppress your bad feelings about your cheating spouse, this will be bad for your mental health; and what is more, your spouse will have more difficulties in empathizing with you. And never assume that your spouse can always read your mind correctly. Hence, if you want to move the relationship to heal and you want your cheating spouse to be more understanding, you must learn how to communicate your feelings to him/her effectively.
3 Don’t be rushed:
When you feel betrayed or cheated, the image of your spouse is dramatically changed. Now that you decide to fix the marriage, you need to be aware that this will be a time-consuming and exhausting process. After all, rebuilding the image of your spouse takes time, and your spouse also needs time to change. Therefore, you should allow yourself and your spouse ample time as much as possible. Any attempt to rush the process may lead to your spouse’s resentment or make him/her feel manipulated.
Yes, it is your spouse’s dishonesty/betrayal that has undermined the marriage. Probably, during the process of fixing your marriage, you think you have gained power over the relationship and that your spouse has lost power. But anyway, don’t attempt to drag your spouse along to do things that you want him to do; you can try to lead him/her to make positive changes, but you should not try to control him/her; any manipulative tactic does not help rebuild a healthy bond between you two.
4 Reflect upon yourself:
Surely, you do not have to take main responsibility for your spouse’s wrong actions. But you need to explore whether something that you said/did may affect him/her and contributed to his/her betrayal/dishonesty. Probably, your spouse will be more loyal and faithful to you if he/she sees you actively trying to improve yourself in some ways.
The final word:
Rebuilding trust in marriage takes commitment from both sides. Dishonesty/betrayal can ruin a marriage, but it does not necessarily mean an end of a marriage; and such a problematic marriage can improve through understanding, communication, and time. And on the positive side, dishonesty/betrayal can be viewed as a catalyst for married couples to address significant issues in their relationships.
For more tips on how to fix a marriage without trust, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to deal with infidelity in marriage – Protect the marriage.
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – How to rebuild trust after an affair.
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
Should you forgive your cheating spouse and move forward?
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.
How to forgive betrayal and move on in your marriage.
How to gain your wife’s trust back – Regain your lost trust.