It makes sense to nip any marital problems in the bud before they get out of hand, regardless of how long you have already been married. But sometimes spotting red flags in a marriage is more difficult than it seems. And actually, some red flags that seem common, harmless, and small are deal-breakers.
If any of the signs below hits home for you, it is time to take a hard look at whether your marriage is in danger:
1 You are living like you are single, not a married person:
It is ok for a married spouse to hang out with some single friends at times; but if this becomes the weekly go-to and you find yourself enjoying hanging out in single locations, such as single clubs, and single bars, especially if you find yourself enjoying talking with a person of the opposite sex who is known to be single, most likely you are desiring to have a completely different life.
For a marriage to grow and thrive, it requires a genuine respect for each other. Therefore, if you still act like a single person, not a responsible person in a committed relationship, this should be viewed as a relationship red flag that you do not show respect towards your spouse.
2 You are making major financial moves without your spouse’s knowledge:
It is okay to maintain separate bank accounts and spend your pocket money without consulting your spouse first; but when you are making major purchases or financial investments, if you don’t feel the need to consult your spouse first, it may be one of the warning signs that your marriage is in danger; as we all know, financial issues can be a major contributor to relationship breakdown; especially when some unknown financial decisions greatly undermine the financial security in a marriage, a spouse may have difficulty in getting fit for the future life; in a committed relationship, financial security and emotional stability go hand in hand; and nobody wants to live married life without financial security.
3 You no longer feel guilty about having an emotional affair:
An emotional affair is essentially an affair of the heart, it occurs when a deep emotional bond or attachment is created with someone outside of a marriage; a lot of people have ever been drawn into an emotional affair at some point, and the majority of emotional affairs can not be disclosed unless those responsible admit their emotional infidelity. Many times, an emotional affair does not escalate to a sexual affair, and they end up with nothing definite.
However, an emotional affair is also a form of cheating; if unchecked, an emotional affair can grow and slip into an intimate relationship that can be destructive to a marriage; so when you have consistent thoughts about betraying your spouse (regardless of acting on it), especially when you no longer feel guilty about sharing your inner thoughts, feelings, and opinion with someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the marriage is in danger.
Remember, affairs don’t start in bedrooms, they start with emotional communication.
4 You are contemptuous of your spouse:
Contemptuous behavior (e.g. aggressive humor, name-calling, disdain, and sarcasm) may be a sign that your marriage is in danger. Contempt is extremely destructive to a marriage; and it is considered the most damaging among the four negative communication patterns (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling), whether overt or covert. In essence, contempt communicates to your spouse, “I’m much better than you, and your opinion is unworthy of my consideration.”
On the other hand, generally, contempt results from constant negative thoughts about a person. When your mind is always full of negative feelings about your spouse, you are inclined to put a severe strain on the relationship whether you realize it or not.
5 You compromise too much:
A major reason why a spouse ends up compromising too much lies in that he/she does not feel entitled to his/her wishes, thoughts, and feelings.
To better understand this point, first, let’s look at the example below:
Mary wants to spend more time alone, but meanwhile, she is afraid that her husband will feel lonely if she does so. Finally she gives up the desire; and she repeatedly tells herself in her heart, “I am supposed to spend as much time as possible with my husband.” On the other hand, her husband, John does also not want to feel lonely in the relationship, although he senses that sometimes Mary is kind of reluctant to spend time together with him; he secretly wants to feel closer to her, but he feels ashamed to admit it because he thinks Mary will lose respect for him as a husband if he admits.
In the cases above, John and Mary compromise too much; they don’t talk about their real longings, desires, and needs; and they are too ashamed, guilty, or afraid to bring those to the table. Neither asks for what the other wants and neither gets what they truly want. Over time if emotional needs are not fulfilled, a spouse will feel a gap or absence in the relationship; then negative changes come about as a spouse constantly feels unfulfilled, and unhappy in the marriage.
In short, if a certain emotional need is an essential part of who a person is in a long term relationship, leaving it neglected will only breed pain and resentment.
6 You no longer feel significant and valued:
Everyone wants to feel he/she matters to the person he/she loves. Nobody wants someone else to rob him/her of his/her self-esteem and confidence. And we all want to be our personal best and fulfill our potential in our marital relationships. And if a spouse always feels unworthy and insignificant in his/her married life, sooner or later he/she will consider seeking that significance somewhere else; in this situation, a person of the opposite sex who makes him/her feel the least bit valued may draw him/her away from his/her home.
Therefore, if your spouse feels like being put down all the time and feels that he/she is not loved, affirmed, or wanted in the marriage, you can hardly bind him/her to you; and vice versa.
7 You don’t truly forgive your spouse, and you still hold onto grudges:
A grudge is unresolved anger and hurt that needs to be addressed. When you hold a grudge towards your spouse, there must be some unresolved problems. Unresolved relationship problems are analogous to rust – they can eat away at the love slowly.
In particular, sometimes it is quite difficult to truly forgive your spouse after he/she makes mistakes. When it comes to forgiving your spouse, it is not just about going through the motions but also about putting the work to let go of past hurts. When you offer a form of false forgiveness (you still put up with something hurtful after you say “I forgive you”), you are secretly holding a grudge.
As you hold onto a grudge, it can turn into something more toxic that undermines your marriage: resentment and bitterness; these overwhelming negative feelings can threaten the survival of your marriage without either of you knowing it.
8 You are together only because of your kids:
Probably you still strongly believe that staying together is more conducive to the growth of your kids. However, if that becomes the only thing that keeps your marriage alive, it means there is a severe lack of connection between you and your spouse. Probably, one or both of you have invested much energy into your kids; now, you and your spouse feel like you are no longer emotionally invested in each other.
No doubt, children can be a solid bond of marriage. But one day, your children will have to leave home, then what? Maybe, you think your kids are still not old enough, that seems far away now. But in reality, a lot of married couples who have little kids still choose to divorce. Why? Because struggling to maintain a connection-starved relationship is miserable, and they feel they have had enough.
Therefore, if you realize that you stay in the marriage just for your kids, it should be viewed as one of the subtle signs that your marriage is in danger.
Is a broken marriage worth saving?
A lot of couples are ambivalent about divorce initially. Why? To a large extent, it is because they have deeply fallen into a toxic pattern where both sides focus on each other’s shortcomings, weaknesses, flaws, and faults. However, as long as one or both spouses can think about the good parts of their spouses as well as the relationships later, that may encourage them to work on fixing the connection. Even though a married couple in trouble is only focused on a small core of the positive aspects of the relationship, it may become a foundation for restoring the relationship.
If you want to learn more about how to salvage a broken marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage
Don’t miss these subtle signs you are in a loveless marriage
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce