After several years of harmonious married life, it is normal that rifts can appear in a marriage; and unavoidably, all kinds of challenges arise for every couple as the relationship develops; and a huge number of married couples fall into the same rut at some point – they live together in a constant state of dysfunction and frustration; sometimes, a couple may also come to a point where they assume their marriage is broken beyond repair. In a broken relationship, one or both spouses often feel hopeless and helpless about their marriage prospects. Usually, they can exaggerate all sorts of faults, flaws, and imperfections in their spouses but rarely reflect upon themselves as their wrongdoings; and they get accustomed to complaining about their failing relationships in which they hold out no hope that their marriages can thrive again in the future. But ultimately, most of them find ways to fix and save their broken marriages.
If your marriage is heading for the collapse but you are reluctant to give up on the relationship, here are 5 tips on how to fix a broken marriage:
1 Show respect and support to your spouse by actively listening to his/her concerns:
When your marriage has broken down, you can both easily feel disrespected and unappreciated by each other. For example, maybe the two of you have ever dishonored or disrespected each other because there is not a unanimous view on an issue; or maybe, you and your spouse have ever judged each other or deliberately talked bad about each other.
In this aspect, you may not be able to change how your spouse responds to you quickly, but you can completely control the way you respond to him/her. Now that you are sure you want to fix your broken marriage, there is no need to wait for your spouse to take one step forward, and you might make the first move by actively taking an interest in what he/she is concerned about; you might be proactive about asking him/her what he/she is thinking about when you see him/her getting lost in thought, make sure to value his/her opinion, and keep showing your willingness to work together with him/her to deal with marital challenges. To embrace marriage as a team again, it is crucial to make your spouse feel respected and supported in the relationship. Over time, such kind of selfless actions can contribute to strengthening the bond with your spouse and restoring damaged intimacy.
2 Don’t be rude:
This is said easier than done. When you and your spouse are hurting each other, it is natural and normal to have a short fuse; at that moment, you are both more inclined to feel negative without even sensing it, and that sets a negative tone for an argument/debate; to avoid negative tone patterns in your relationship, first, you need to change your tone in your words and deeds towards your spouse; for example, try to be kind even though your feelings or actions towards him/her are not reciprocated; be loving to your spouse even if you think that he/she is not worthy of your love; be appreciative even though you feel like you are giving love or affection that is not reciprocated. In doing so, sooner or later your consistent kindness can chip away at your spouse’s hard heart, which will promote the healing of your broken marriage. Remember, your words to your spouse matter, but the tone in which you speak those words are also important.
3 Bear full responsibility for your actions that hurt your spouse:
Being a couple doesn’t mean there is no need to apologize to each other. In fact, sincere apologies are always needed for maintaining a healthy marriage, but you must be aware that half-hearted apologies can backfire, for example, if you apologize and say the words like “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings”, “I’m sorry, but…”, or an apology that you add an excuse or deflect your responsibility in the end, don’t delude yourself into thinking that your spouse will believe that such an apology stems from your sincerity.
Many times, to let your spouse accept your apology as sincere, you also need to learn to swallow your pride. in the heat of conflict, a sincere apology has a way of disarming your spouse, paving the road to improvement of a failing relationship; for example, you may say to your spouse:” I’m so sorry I hurt you; I don’t want to make any excuse for my wrongdoings; can you forgive me and give me a chance to recover the broken relationship?”
4 Voice your concerns:
Once you have a new perspective on what affects your marriage and you want to discuss them with your spouse, it is necessary to bring those issues to the surface in time. While you are sharing with him/her those things that you are fretting about, you should also offer him/her a chance to share his/her thoughts in return. This thing sounds easy, but inevitably you will have trouble practicing it, especially if your spouse is reluctant to express his/her innermost feelings in day-to-day life;
In your broken marriage, have you realized that your spouse has got used to keeping himself/herself resistant to you? If so, to dissolve your spouse’s resistance against you, you should learn to discuss conflicts that exist between you and your spouse in a more acceptable way. For instance, you are not advised to surprise your spouse with a long list of your concerns when you are eating dinner; be patient to seek an opportunity to discuss certain serious issues; and first, you might start a conversation about a related topic, and make sure neither of you will be distracted by other things during the conversation.
When you feel the urgent need to talk about some critical problems with your spouse, don’t be in a hurry to directly state your current concerns, but rather try to warm up the conversation by asking him/her what he/she wants to change about the relationship at present. After creating an interesting dialogue around the related topic, you might add your true thoughts and feelings to the discussion bit by bit.
5 Let go of your ego:
Everyone has an ego, but we must learn how to control it. If your ego becomes out of control or gets too big, it will spoil your marriage by putting a wedge between you and your spouse. To some extent, your negative feelings towards your spouse like resentment, fear, jealousy, and anger are probably products of your ego in your marriage.
In a broken marriage, a lot of spouses even don’t realize that they have an ego problem until their relationships break up.
Now, if you realize that some of your relationship problems are associated with your big ego, you need to change yourself to let go of it.
Look at how to let go of your ego in your marriage:
- Be aware of your true self, understand each other’s weaknesses and strengthens, and no need to praise yourself all the time.
- Keep in mind that you do not have to be always right.
- Fully accept your spouse; accept your spouse’s imperfections by believing in his/her good intentions.
- Be more tolerant of your spouse, be more patient, and determine not to be offended easily.
- Learn to find contentment in your relationship.
Again, don’t let your big ego go unchecked, as it can easily cause tremendous turmoil in your married life.
The final word:
In the United States, most problematic couples (especially young couples) get divorce too quickly; to coin a phrase: “divorce in haste, repent at leisure”; so if you are stuck in a broken marriage, generally divorce should not be considered on your priority list, and you should focus on how to address marital issues and do as much as you can to heal the relationship.
You should continuously practice self-improvement, even though the relationship becomes one-sided:
People are always more willing to get along with a person who has a good mindset in his/her daily life; your spouse is also not unexceptional. Hence, as long as you want to survive in the broken marriage and thrive in it, you should maintain a more positive attitude towards your spouse, whatever the result will be – you should be fully committed to the relationship, and you should make your spouse realize that you are striving to become the best version of yourself in all aspects (e.g. you might improve your nasty habits, and try not to be short-tempered to your spouse), even though when he/she is at his/her worst;
Whether your spouse has given up efforts to restore the relationship or not, you should not stop your efforts, never assume that it is absolutely impossible to save a one-sided relationship. In short, self-improvement can make you more attractive to your spouse.
For more tips on how to change yourself to save the broken marriage, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience helping couples survive and thrive in unhappy marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – how to rebuild trust after an affair.
Should you stay in a loveless marriage – How to survive a loveless marriage.