Are you staying in a loveless marriage?
Rarely does a marriage sour overnight. Before a couple who deeply loved each other starts to feel like strangers, the relationship goes through some subtle or obvious changes; somewhat like a prelude to disaster.
Maybe you have already noticed some suspicious signs that you are being trapped in a loveless marriage, but you are not sure or you don’t realize how serious it is; in order to avoid reaching the point at which your marriage will be at stake, it is necessary to spot those telltale signs and take action timely to fix the cracks in the relationship;
The following talks about 6 common signs of a loveless marriage:
(1) Criticism:
The moment someone makes an offensive remark against us or criticizes us, it is natural to have a detestable sensation. Such toxic behavior can ruin a fulfilling and healthy relationship. If you and your spouse often deliberately criticize each other by pointing out each other’s faults and flaws, it will be very difficult to keep love alive.
To some extent, criticism, like rust, erodes your marriage gradually until the entire relationship falls away to dust. Worst of all, when we are falling into the vicious cycle of criticism, we tend to not focus on how to address related problems. For example, instead of telling your spouse “You shouldn’t have made the mistakes; if you watch out next time, we won’t have this problem”, you may have got used to making your spouse feel miserable by sharply chiding your spouse and saying “Why do you always make foolish mistakes? You are an irresponsible person!”
To break the habit of constant criticism, the two of you should both stick to related issues rather than take them personally when problems arise.
(2) Contempt:
Broadly speaking, contempt is a negative feeling of disregard for something or someone, a lack of respect or consideration for someone’s feelings, actions, preferences, decisions, and opinions, as opposed to esteem, sympathy, admiration, honor, and adoration.
Constant criticism paves the road for contempt. For example, when your spouse disregards what you say, you choose to criticize what he/she does; as a result, you end up hating each other.
Contempt causes you and your spouse to keep each other at a distance because you both know things you do or say can easily trigger emotional pain or a heated argument as long as you stay together.
For more tips on how to deal with contempt in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to deal with contempt in marriage – Avoid contemptuous behavior.
(3) Defensiveness:
Everybody is imperfect and flawed. There are always times when we hurt someone’s feelings, misunderstand someone, and are lack of consideration for someone’s desires and needs. In a loveless marriage, it is even more so. For instance, when you point out your spouse’s wrongdoings or flaws consciously or unconsciously, your spouse gets defensive instinctively and tries to avoid talking about those unpleasant things that can be related to his/her shortcomings/weaknesses; and probably you also have a similar reaction when your spouse catches you on the raw; in that case, maybe you also get used to blaming your spouse in retaliation, and you may attempt to find all sorts of excuses and underrate the seriousness of consequences of your wrongdoings.
If one or both of you are constantly defensive in the marriage, it can block each other’s attempt to repair the relationship.
(4) Stonewalling:
Stonewalling greatly deters a spouse from restoring the love. When one spouse tries to start a conversation with the other but receives no reply, the couple will have more trouble overcoming obstacles in the relationship.
Although constant stonewalling avoids a lot of uncomfortable conversations, this attitude contributes to a toxic relationship climate where issues are all swept under the rug, and a stonewalling spouse may also miss the potential chance of having a conversation that aims at healing the loveless marriage.
(5) The absence of intimacy:
A healthy marriage not only means the absence of conflicts but also means the absence of deep and long-lasting intimacy. Both frequent moments of intimacy and constructive arguments/disputes are essential parts that enhance the bond strength between spouses.
Intimacy always plays a crucial role in maintaining a relationship. It is hard for couples to share meaningful experiences and grow passion without getting enough intimacy.
In a marriage, intimacy is more about sex. Intimacy can create a safe atmosphere where you and your spouse can cultivate positive emotions and freely discuss ideas. In a loveless marriage, the absence of intimacy is a particularly prominent reason for separation and divorce.
(6) Time spent apart:
As heated arguments become a constant part of daily interactions in marriage, intimacy and love tend to fade. In such a marriage, the couple may both try to seek comfort in solitude instead of each other’s company. Maybe you have ever had such an assumption: try to separate for long enough to sort things out individually, and then it should be more possible to reconcile afterward. But sadly, this approach rarely brings problematic couples back together; in all likelihood, spending too much apart will promote divorce or marital separation.
Is there hope for a loveless marriage?
Surviving in a loveless marriage is a tough challenge. If you are also facing this challenge and do not take the proper action to fix the situation, you will quickly grow emotionally exhausting and the relationship tends to deteriorate soon.
It is important to be aware that “good marriage” and “difficult marriage” can be compatible – A happy relationship also involves challenges at some point because all sorts of challenges are prerequisites for having a long-lasting and healthy relationship. If marriage never involves challenges or conflicts, in all likelihood, such a relationship is superficial and unstable. So if you are confused and frustrated about how to survive a loveless marriage, you might as well hang in there, there has to be some kind of way out. The detailed explanation below may give you some insights into your loveless marriage.
Is it worth staying in a loveless marriage?
If you feel like you are staying in a completely loveless marriage, you are supposed to ask yourself: was there love in your marriage? was the interaction with him/her always so bad?
Remember back to when the two of you were newly married. Did your spouse ignore you? Was he/she unwilling to show any affection to you? Was he/she unpleasant to see you? No doubt, except for people who have an arranged marriage, few people would marry someone who treated him/her badly from the very beginning of a relationship. An even greater possibility is that when the two of you were dating, you did both talk to each other happily, laugh to each other, and love each other deeply. Otherwise, why would you consider getting married to him/her at that time?
Like most people living in a loveless relationship, at the thought of your spouse, now you are inclined to paint a mental picture of an awful woman/man. But is it true that your spouse is an antisocial personality? Probably that is not the case. Most likely it is the interaction between you that went wrong and led to a negative and long-term cycle; as this vicious cycle develops, you will both become more and more unaffectionate and withdrawn in the relationship; in this situation, it is not that you or your spouse becomes at fault, it is that the two of you misinterpret each other as your relationship deteriorates.
PS: Surely, some people are nicer before marriage; but after they get married, they can act like a reformed character, and they don’t make enough effort for maintaining their marriages. But if this lazy marriage is regarded as a loveless marriage, there is a lot more going on here; in view of such a relationship, don’t immediately think that these spouses are by nature inclined to be rather lazy, it is more likely that a spouse becomes lazy after going through heartbreak; in a failing relationship, the occurrence of a heartbreaking story is often linked to a history of badly treating each other.
In short, for most couples who are stuck in a loveless marriage, they are prone to look at the loveless situation as a pure personality issue, but actually, it is more a relationship issue and less a personality issue.
What are your reasons for staying in a loveless marriage?
If you are sure you are living in a loveless marriage but you still choose to stay in it, make sure you have taken into account some important issues. Here are some common issues that you should fully consider:
- Staying in a loveless marriage for children:
Parents are the ultimate teachers for children. The compatibility and happiness between you and your spouse exert an imperceptible influence on your children’s thinking and behavior. Letting your children see you constantly arguing and fighting can leave your children’s hearts enormous but unsightly damage. When the love in marriage is gone, maintaining the harmony of a family requires the new agreement, cooperation, and structure of both parents.
- Staying in a loveless marriage for your spouse:
Although love may no longer exist between you, maybe you still retain respect for your spouse and you still care for him/her; maybe you have started to see your marriage this way: a relationship of a couple is not necessarily intense and passionate, and a relationship which is borne out of mutual respect and caring has a better chance of going the distance. But if insist on staying in the loveless marriage without caring about your spouse’s feelings about the relationship, he/she will easily think that your action of maintaining the relationship without his/her buy-in is unfair for him/her; after all, a marriage takes two to tango and a totally one-sided relationship can breed more arguments and resentment. Of course, such a marriage does not mean it is bound to come to an end eventually, but beyond question, maintaining a one-sided relationship is definitely struggling; so, if you are the only one who wants to stay in a loveless marriage, you must have enough mental preparation.
- Staying in a loveless marriage because of yourself:
For some people, although they are living in a loveless marriage, they get most of the other things that they need and want from a man. Again, “most” is the key point. That means they make a seemingly “profitable” choice between one and the other – go on living their current life by sacrificing love in marriage. So, if you also choose to stay just because of you, ask yourself again whether you really can embrace a marriage life without intimacy with your spouse.
The bottom line:
For whatever reason you stay in the loveless relationship, sufficient consideration and enough mutual communication are essential for you. If you and your spouse have the willingness to stay in a difficult marriage, you should both carefully consider and agree upon how to fix the failing marriage; in particular, you should make a deep discussion concerning what causes the loveless relationship, and try to reach a new agreement on how to rebuild and maintain intimacy in the family.
Basic tips on how to survive a loveless marriage:
No one can give the precise definition of the word “loveless” in a relationship. No marriage is always happy whether the marriage is arranged or stems from true love. No two people think alike about the meaning of “loveless”. Anyway, the love in a long-term relationship can be thought of as a lock between a couple’s hearts that just opens only in the case of both sides have strong feelings of happiness. So, if one spouse is sad, then this lock will not open; hence, to bring love back into your marriage, first, you need to change yourself to make yourself happier, more positive in day-to-day life, regardless of the circumstances. If you have no idea, the tips below may help you bring positivity into your loveless marriage life:
(1) Fully respect your spouse’s thoughts and habits. Actively show your willingness to share his/her burdens and troubles.
(2) Learn to give love unconditionally.
(3) Don’t deliberately separate between you and your spouse when you are dealing with a common problem, use more “we” statements instead of “I” statements and “you” statements.
(4) Avoid blaming or criticizing your spouse for his/her negatives.
(5) Keep yourself honest and always treat him/her with trust.
(6) Give more encouragement and support to your spouse.
(7) Try your best to excuse your spouse’s mistakes.
(8) Properly compliment your spouse’s positives.
(9) Be more romantic with your spouse.
(10) Offer to show your spouse your kindness even if your feelings or actions towards him/her are not reciprocated.
(11) Work on your friendship with your spouse. In addition to showing kindness, doing more things together can help lower the tension level in your relationship, whether these things are big or small.
(12) Don’t withdraw sexually when your spouse wants to make love to you.
(13) Understand that it is natural that there are differences between you.
The final word:
If you feel that your spouse doesn’t care about you, doesn’t appreciate you, and doesn’t be affectionate towards you anymore, you might step back – Probably you will realize that your spouse is feeling the same way while your spouse is hurting you. To have lasting and lifelong happiness, you should value your marriage, rather than simply give up on efforts to save the failing relationship. And there are many things that you can do to improve and reinforce the relationship dynamic, even though you are the only one who wants to try. If you have time to complain about the marriage or you have time to feel sad, why not take concrete actions to make your spouse feel loved, regardless of how unlovable your spouse is at present. And understandably, it is tough for you to make changes, and you may feel paralyzed, unable and exhausted when it comes to deciding to change the loveless marriage. However, now that you want to keep the marriage alive, you need to start with changing yourself.
In short, a loveless marriage can be saved. For more expert tips about how to save your marriage life, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping couples survive their difficult marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
Unhappy marriage signs – How to know if you are in an unhappy marriage.
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
7 common things that ruin a marriage slowly – Save your marriage.
Don’t miss these subtle signs you are in a loveless marriage.