Why do you need to learn how to improve your marriage without talking about it?
In your married life, have you noticed that the majority of the effectiveness of daily communications is facilitated by various nonverbal cues? No doubt, nonverbal communication is an essential part of the marriage life when it comes to how couples relate to each other; and most of the communications in the marriage life are non-verbal (typically, couples spontaneously choose non-verbal communications during a marital crisis). The unconscious mind is so powerful that it can quickly pick up on a lot of things about someone even though those things are not so obvious.
Does it sound a bit confusing? Let’s take a closer look. For example, you should not be unfamiliar with body language, and maybe one particular posture of your spouse can instantly make you understand how he/she is feeling. Likewise, your spouse also interprets your body language to pick up on certain unspoken relationship issues.
Nonverbal communication always exerts a subtle influence on your daily interaction with your partner, especially when the marriage relationship is deteriorating; nonverbal communication is a very broad and inclusive term; specifically, eye contact, gestures, visual and emotional cues, body language and facial expressions all belong to nonverbal communication.
Sometimes, fixing a failing relationship can’t happen through words:
Sometimes, even with the best of your intentions, talking about your relationship can not draw you closer; instead, it may push him further away. Why? There exist a biological difference at work when a marriage is deteriorating sharply, especially when a fight is ruing the relationship. A spouse’s vulnerability to anxiety and fear may make the other one draw closer, while the other one’s subtle sensitivity to shame may make him/her pull away in response. In a lot of problematic marriages, it is often the case that one spouse nags the other one endlessly, but that the other one always stonewalls him/her. Sometimes words are not the best way to improve a failing marriage. The example below may make the point more clear:
You have realized that your married life becomes suffocating, and you feel the need to talk to your spouse; and when you see your spouse walking away, you stop him/her and say something like “I think you need to take more care of me”, “we should sit down to talk about why our marriage is failing.”, and “I feel that you should be more emotionally available.” But your spouse stonewalls you for a while, then turns around and walks away.
If you wonder how to improve your marriage without talking about it, here are some tips:
(1) Understand your spouse’s moods:
Being more aware of your spouse’s moods should be the first step to improving your relationship. As long as you keep a careful eye on your spouse’s movements in daily life, you always can find some clues as to how he/she is feeling. For example, while seeing your spouse sitting in silence or avoiding eye contact, you had better not set up a conversation at that moment. Wait till your spouse feels better.
(2) Show your deep affection through petty actions:
If you don’t know how to express your affection in a non-sexy, physical manner, unluckily, you will lose many chances of letting your spouse feel your affection unconsciously? So in daily life, why not make some petty actions to show your affection towards your spouse, such as holding your spouse’s hand, holding your spouse in your arms, and rubbing your spouse’s shoulders.
And in particular, you might make a point of the two petty actions below:
- Help your spouse do chores:
If you two have shared housework, you may try to actively do your spouse’s chores. This demonstrates your affection as well as concern. And probably it will be a pleasant surprise for your spouse to feel that you are caring about his/her work.
- Give your spouse small presents:
It is also a good idea to bring your spouse some small presents from time to time, such as cards, his/her favorite books, flowers, and love notes. You can place those gifts to any place, as long as you are sure that your spouse can notice them in time.
Giving meaningful gifts is a simple and effective way to demonstrate your love. And this type of thing should be viewed as a vow or something you promise to do without cause or compensation.
(3) Use positive language to express your disagreement:
Don’t overlook the role of nonverbal communication which plays in verbal communication. Especially when you are trying to clearly express your critical opinion to your spouse, some words are better left unsaid. For example, you may have got used to using negative language (e.g. “No!”, “You are wrong!”, or even “I disagree!”) to respond to your spouse’s statements that you disagree with; your spouse will suddenly feel a little uncomfortable when you are blurting out those negative words because negative language naturally triggers a listener’s negative emotions to some extent. In this case, you may consider using more positive or modest language to get rid of your spouse’s negative reactions, such as “I see what you mean, but I think…”, “There is a reasonable point in what you say, but I think …”
Most of the time when you are arguing with your spouse, even though you do not use adversative words, your spouse still can understand your meaning exactly; meanwhile, your spouse is also more likely to comprehend your attitude and appreciate your tone of voice. In short, your tone and attitude do not need to be always verbalized, and it can be implied in your voice and words. In this way, you can see a decrease in the arguments and fights that are worsened by your negative emotions.
(4) Apologize sincerely when you are wrong:
Admitting that you make faults/mistakes should be treated as an indirect way to show your love. Many times, taking the initiative to apologize is even more powerful than straightforwardly expressing love.
(5) Be a united front:
It is impossible that both of you agree with all the issues throughout the whole married life; however, you should avoid heated public disagreements. You two should appear united when facing the outside world, don’t try to correct or contradict your spouse in front of outsiders. If you do it that way, your spouse will be certain to feel embarrassed or belittled, and this will build up unnecessary resentment later.
(6) Set aside some time for your spouse:
To improve your marriage relationship, remind yourself to regularly set some time for your spouse. If you are always too busy to stay with your spouse, your spouse will inevitably feel detached and disconnected from you, this will never be beneficial for improving your marriage.
(7) Calm down yourself or compromise in time:
If you often argue or fight with your spouse even over trivial matters, the marriage relationship will grow stale gradually. Maybe you have also regretted you have ever had a fierce argument or fight with your spouse, as you know that tantrums and shouting do not help at all and that eventually all the problems still need to be resolved in a calm way. So why not make a conscious effort to calm yourself down in time? If it is over a trifling matter, usually that’s not worth talking, and even you might as well make a small concession by compromising with your spouse.
(8) Choose the attitude on your own:
Maybe, you have already tried making some changes for your spouse, and yet you become increasingly frustrated because it seems that any change that you made did not make a difference. Anyway, there is one fundamental shift that you can make that can exert a positive influence on the relationship: your attitude. The one thing that your spouse can’t take away from you is the way you choose to respond to what he/she does to you.
When it comes to how to improve your marriage without talking about it, the last of your freedom is to choose your attitude in any given circumstance. As long as you stick to treating your spouse in the way that your spouse desires, then probably it will also make you feel good to have your spouse’s affection and attention again.
Actually, we tend to give up the freedom to choose our attitude towards things in daily life – we often allow other people to affect our attitude when something happens to us. Likewise, in the midst of a marital crisis, we may often lose our natural attitude and become something we are not.
Simply put, if you do not choose your attitude, the attitude will choose you; maybe the attitude is negative, ego-centric, or short-sighted. By choosing the attitude on your own, the married life is more likely to be filled with positive things, such as respect, creativity, patience, hopefulness, and understanding.
The final word:
This article wants you to know a stunning truth about marriage happiness – you may not get a closer relationship with your spouse by talking to him/her like you talk to your good friends of same-sex; and most of the time, your spouse also wants a closer relationship just as much as you do, but not if he/she has to act like you; and the deepest form of intimacy is beyond words, and love is not just about better mutual communication, it is more about the mutual connection (e.g. touch, sex, facial expression, activity, tone of voice, and routines).
If you think your marriage relationship has been on the brink of divorce and you want to learn more about how to improve your marriage even if you are the only one who wants, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is provided by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.