When your spouse announces that he/she wants to end the marriage, things seem frightening and you must feel the despairing pain. But his/her threatening divorce does not mean that you have to give up the relationship; maybe there is still hope of restoring the relationship, even though his/her attitude towards the marriage seems unwavering right now. And there can be a lot of things that you can do to salvage the broken marriage even if you are the only one who wants to try.
Here are 8 tips on what you should do when your spouse wants to leave you but you don’t:
1 Don’t plead for your spouse to stay:
When you feel overwhelmed by panic, you may cry and plead for your spouse to change his/her mind. You may choose to make compromise and concession to him/her, even you may promise to change yourself to meet all his/her needs in the heat of the moment. However, that is not appealing, and it doesn’t work in your favor; on the contrary, it only comes across as pathetic.
Generally, when your spouse says he/she wants a divorce, he/she has already mentally prepared himself/herself for a long time…Probably your spouse will be resistant to your pleading words, and his/her response to your impassioned plea will be a hard and cold statement like “it is too little, too late”, and it tends to solidify his/her resolve to dissolve your marriage. But anyway, as long as you are sure you still want to save your marriage, don’t agree to be the first to move out of the house when your spouse wants to leave you – just try your best to be kind in your refusal. Surely, you can hardly stop him/her from moving out if he/she insists on doing that, yet things will get more difficult after one of you moves out.
2 Don’t emotionally shut down:
It is tempting to close yourself off emotionally during the time of uncertainty. However, being uncommunicative and refusing to share feelings can further suffocate your relationship. If this kind of introverted behavior continues over time, it will pave the way for periods of depression and future emotional outbursts.
Surely, when your spouse wants to leave you, you can’t help having bad feelings from time to time. But at this stage, you should be careful not to be led by your negative emotions, and meanwhile, you need to learn to vent them rather than attempt to stifle them. For example, while he/she is explaining why he/she wants to leave you, something that he/she says may hurt you, but don’t shut down emotionally and go inward; in this case, just try to feel your feelings, and then try to express your feelings out without making a judgment or expecting any response from your spouse; for example, you may say “What you just said hurt me.”
3 Stop your negative behavior patterns:
To stop making things worse, you have to try to better understand the role you play in the marital problems that you are experiencing; in doing so, you can better recognize and overcome negative or unhealthy patterns that are affecting your relationship. For example, if you have been having extramarital affairs, stop now; if you often blow up at your spouse, stop now; if you frequently complain and criticize your spouse, stop now… In short, focus your time and energy on reflecting upon what you did contributes to the current relationship status and thinking about what you can do to fix the marriage, instead of figuring out who should be more culpable; and since you want to save your marriage when your spouse wants to leave you, now is not the time to start a blame game.
4 Shake off the intense state of conflict:
Too many couples on the verge of divorce fall prey to the exhausting emotional intensity that wears them down physically and mentally. Probably, your relationship status is like a body gets caught in fight-flight-freeze mode – when you are always on the alert for your spouse’s possible provocative actions or words, he/she also has to stay alert. No doubt, such a reaction to possible conflict can ruin a marriage. And it is almost impossible for you to have a productive interaction with your spouse who has become a perceived threat. So when your spouse wants to leave you, you should manage to defuse marital conflict and get over those obstacles that have emerged in your relationship, instead of going on to create extra walls between you two.
5 Be patient:
After your spouse announces that he/she wants to leave you, probably he/she is unwilling to communicate with you as frequently and thoroughly as you would like; understandably, you want to ask for closure from your spouse, but you do not have to be pushy or overly anxious to demand his/her explanation; your impatience will only make him/her feel more distant from you.
At this point, you are just advised to give him/her more alone time he/she needs and tell him/her that you expect a clear response. You both need to sort out your respective emotions and figure out how to face related problems. And you can not expect your spouse to be an active participant like you, so the process of waiting may take some time, and it is not something that you can rush into, you have to be patient with him/her.
6 Negotiate:
When you don’t want to accept his/her idea of divorce, there is a need to negotiate with him/her, no matter how resistant you are to the idea. Let your spouse know that whether agreeing to divorce or not is a major decision that takes work and time. And you may propose the idea of spending several months trying to address relationship problems again before considering divorce; after all, even though you have to sign the divorce papers, you should be aware that probably you only have a chance to calculate spousal maintenance eligibility and divide property, and it can be very difficult to change the terms of the divorce afterward. An unfair divorce settlement can have lasting and profound consequences for all family members.
Anyway, rushing to divorce is never a good idea for both of you. You see, many couples rushed to divorce, but eventually, they realized that the divorces were not really what they wanted and that a lot of seemingly insurmountable problems in the previous relationships could have been resolved. Therefore, as long as you are sure that you don’t want to end your marriage this way, even though you are the only one who is willing to try, try to give each other a buffer of time; during that time, there can still be a chance of resolving your marital problems and restoring the happy relationship.
7 Aim for empathy instead of pressure:
When your spouse wants to leave you, probably there is a serious lack of empathy between you and your spouse. And the lack of empathy can cause you to be less compassionate and more judgmental with your spouse.
So make a point to hear what he/she is saying and see marital problems through his/her perspective, and share with your spouse how you are feeling about him/her, and what you emotionally want from him/her. And be careful to show your empathy without pleading, panic, or pressure, since these tactics generally backfire and are off-putting.
On the other hand, you must also want empathy and emotional support from your spouse at this critical stage; but don’t always ask your spouse to offer you the compassion or ask him/her to better understand you, when you feel that he/she lacks empathy for you and that he/she is unwilling to be more empathetic towards you; otherwise, your spouse’s continued selfishness will make you feel worse about yourself and further undermine your self-esteem.
8 See this as an opportunity to reclaim yourself:
More often than not, a lot of people lose themselves in their marital relationships over time; and that can also be a part of what turns their partners off.
Whether your marriage will end or not, now you need to focus on yourself and ground back into your self-awareness; so, you might ask yourself who you are in the relationship, and what you want for yourself.
Many unhappy marital relationships suffer due to a spouse’s slacking off at a point, such as neglectful habits that are toxic to their relationships, slow death of inattention, and so on; and in those troubled marriages, couples do not continue to give top priority to their relationships, as their life gets complicated. Saving a dying marriage requires healthier habits, consistent attention, and a higher level of understanding of what you give and what you get… Anytime when a marital crisis comes, the first and foremost thing you should do is to increase your self-awareness and calm your fear.
What if you don’t want a divorce but you have no other choice:
If your spouse always insists on divorcing you and you also perceive that you can no longer change his/her mind, then you have to learn to accept the fact and let go of the relationship peacefully and move on. After all, you can’t force your spouse to stay together with you. Surely, it is easier said than done. The letting go hurts your heart inevitably. However, you have to get past the sad past because life goes on anyway.
The final word:
When your spouse wants to leave you, most likely he has little intention to make changes for the relationship. Although it takes two to make your marriage work, you can still try to improve the relationship by working hard to be a better version of yourself for your spouse; remember, the only person that you can fully control is yourself anytime. So, at this point, you have to take the initiative to change yourself – it is your time to do a personal inventory of your flaws/mistakes/faults, and devote your time and energy to self-improvement. In this way, whether you will be in this relationship or not, you can make a positive difference in your future life.
Understandably, saving a one-sided marriage is a painful process. If you still feel helpless and need more expert tips on how to save your failing marriage alone, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; he will point out a series of mistakes you should avoid when your spouse wants out:
Maybe you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
How to stop divorce and save your marriage – 7 marriage saving tips.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
Don’t ignore these suspicious signs your spouse wants out.
9 basic tips on how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse.