In fact, the majority of married people have to admit that they more or less kept financial secrets from their spouses; or they have to admit that they lied about their money in front of their spouses; although financial infidelity has been growing in popularity and it seems that it is not as devastating as sexual infidelity, you should not play this matter down, it can be also destructive to relationships if not stopped in time (In the United States, the alarming divorce rate is reported to be approximately 40~50%. In all the cases of American divorces, about 30% of divorced people cite financial infidelity as the major cause of the demise of their marital relationships). After your spouses noticed that you have kept a secret purse or that you have kept debts secret, you must have realized that it is becoming quite difficult to work together to manage finances in your marriage.
Here are some financial tips about how to save your marriage after financial infidelity:
(1) Talk about all your financial secrets:
The research found a spouse may lie to his/her significant other about loans, credit, debts, or any other money-related issues. Now that your spouse has spotted your financial infidelity, you should admit that you made serious mistakes, and then come clean on other financial secrets that may be still unknown to your spouse; again, probably, your spouse just catch some but not all your financial problems, but don’t assume that your spouse will not notice certain concealed/covert problems as long as you don’t open up about them; remember, the longer you go on to hide dishonesty about your finances, the further the marital crisis escalates. And the real healing of the relationship can begin only in case you get everything out in the open.
Understandably, it feels awkward to talk with your spouse about your true financial condition, but it’s worth doing so, as full transparency lays a premise and foundation for saving your marriage. If possible, you are advised to develop a pattern of discussing money with your spouse in an open and transparent manner. For the sake of transparency, you might ask your spouse several questions to let you both get an in-depth understanding of your financial condition, such as below:
- “How much debt can we afford?”
Talk openly on this issue; then work out a plan together to tackle the joint and separate debts. Tell your spouse outright the reasonable amount of debt that you can pay off.
- “Which of us is more economically literate?”
Decide if you or your spouse are more aware of the regular budget and where both of you should spend money. Whichever one is more economically literate, you two should learn how to cooperate to improve the financial situation as a couple.
- “My monthly income is …”
Disclose your monthly income so that you two can re-calculate a monthly budget by making a comparison between monthly earnings and monthly expenses on life essentials.
- “My daily expenses are …”
Record every bill that you pay, keep the receipts for things you buy in daily life. Work together with your spouse to single out those non-essentials that can be trimmed individually or jointly from the overall budget.
- “I want to reach income goals (milestones) …“
Have you already built up an emergency fund now? Have you ever calculated how much money you need to save for your retirement? If not, it is time to set up a plan that you two of you can unite with and support each other to reach those financial goals/milestones.
After this type of question above has been addressed, you can formulate a long-lasting plan that makes your spouse feel more financially safe.
(2) Prepare the detailed debt repayment plan:
While you are making a debt repayment plan, you should remember the key to the plan is organization. So, carefully itemize the existing debt of both of you, and work out the monthly payment for each account. And figure out how much extra you can pay every month to clear up the debt at one time after all, probably you will pay a little more than you predict.
Here are some tips about how to clear up debts:
- Add up the total existing debt (e.g. house loans, car loans, and student loans)
- Work out the minimum monthly payments of each open account.
- Make a comparison between the total payments and the collective income.
- Figure out how much extra can be allowed to go beyond expected payments every month.
- If you have a lot of debts, it is necessary to learn to prioritize your debt payments; from a financial perspective, it is smart to first pay off the highest-rate bad debt.
(3) Try not to make big purchases without discussing with your spouse first:
You must have ever made some big purchases that you didn’t let your spouse know, you were aware that your spouse would cut those purchases if he/she knew about your decisions, so you thought that it was better to say nothing to your spouse. But on the other hand, a lack of communication becomes a contributing factor to financial infidelity.
And sometimes when it comes to how much to spend can be counted as “big”, women and men may have different perspectives: sometimes you assume that you just spend a modest amount of money on a certain item/service, but in your spouse’s mind, you spend too much money, and this behavior should be counted as “uncontrolled spending”. Furthermore, if you go on to make big purchases unilaterally and take it for granted that your spouse will have to agree later, probably your spouse will also perceive this behavior as financial infidelity.
Therefore, to keep your marriage going forward in the right direction, you should try to keep the discussion about spending clear, open, frank, and honest; and at this critical stage, it is better to shelve a purchase plan if your spouse does not agree with it. Now you must have realized that it is tough to heal trust after financial infidelity, so remind yourself not to repeat infidelity behavior to land you into trouble again.
(4) Consider the division of duties and rotation of roles:
Both parties should actively engage in the household financial management, and a more reasonable job-division mechanism can be put forward to handle household finances after financial infidelity. Split the work up so that both sides can take active part in financial management: for example, let one of you be responsible for general purchasing activities, and meanwhile let the other one track the budget/investment and save money; after an interval, the two of you might rotate the chores so that each other can step right in without losing a beat; in this way, both of you are competent and capable at multiple roles, the more important thing is that the division of duties can enhance mutual trust and mutual supervision and thereby prevents financial infidelity to some extent.
(5) Create a “fun” budget:
Regardless of your debt payoff methods and budgeting ways, make sure of a budget for having fun with your spouse. For example, you may set aside a portion of your money for watching movies or traveling occasionally. A small indulgence may significantly increase your spouse’s morale and life satisfaction.
Financial infidelity is more than a financial problem:
Generally, financial infidelity is less about money but more about communication obstacles and the destruction of mutual trust. Therefore, even if you can make a plan to solve current financial concerns in your married life, probably you still need a long term solution that can address the underlying causes behind the financial infidelity. In particular, your financial infidelity may stem from certain unfulfilled needs in your relationship – Maybe you have ever overspent to prove your independence or to get back at your spouse for something lacking in your marriage; that seems like revenge spending. To prevent such a situation, you should learn how to clearly communicate your needs to your spouse. Don’t be afraid to ask. After all, marriage means both sides should work to fulfill each other’s normal and reasonable needs.
Again, when it comes to how to save your marriage after financial infidelity, it is very necessary to deal with those underlying problems that seem not to be involved with money.
The final word:
It takes a lot of time and effort to manage finances. When the marriage is dragged down by financial problems, pointing fingers and making excuses doesn’t help at all. As the spouse who has committed serious financial infidelity, you should work hard to gain your spouse’s trust back. And you ought to work together with your spouse to heal the financial damage to the marital assets. After going through financial infidelity, you two are more likely to have a reasonable financial plan based on mutual support, open communication, and a positive outlook for the future life, this can lay a solid foundation for the long-lasting development of your marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to save your marriage after financial infidelity, you might go on to watch the presentation below to follow the comprehensive guidance by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it provides a proven path to surviving infidelity and restoring your relationship regardless of the current situation:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to deal with infidelity in marriage – Protect the marriage
7 simple tips on how to deal with financial stress in a marriage.
How to manage finances in a marriage – Couples’ financial management.
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – How to rebuild trust after an affair.
What is an emotional affair? – How to mend a marriage after it.