The maintenance of marriage requires consistent and sustained work; and it takes faith, trust, love, teamwork… But currently we are in a disposable society, and our serious relationships also seem to have become quite disposable. Although having an affair is dangerous for marriage, many people can’t resist the temptation and risk doing it; and it is no wonder that so many people suspect their spouses’ loyalty for their marriages.
No doubt, infidelity is a major reason for divorce. Generally, the problem is not just on one side; as we all know, a fly won’t bite a seamless egg; likewise, for those marriages that are threatened by infidelity, both spouses need to be responsible for healing the rift in their marriages as long as they still want to stay together;
Infidelity can be a symptom of long-standing problems that are destructive to relationships, such as below:
- Dissatisfaction/unhappiness:
Most of those straying spouses are emotionally or sexually unsatisfied with their marriages. Intimacy is the foundation of any solid marriage. Without consistent efforts to nurture intimacy within marriage, couples may drift away from each other.
- Feeling unappreciated:
Feeling neglected or undervalued can also drive a spouse to find another opposite-sex person who admires or appreciates him/her. For example, when a spouse has to carry the brunt of childcare and housework in the family, the other one may feel ignored and misunderstand that his/her spouse no longer appreciates him/her; while the situation persists, probably the spouse who is not feeling unappreciated will have a stronger and stronger desire to validate his/her sense of worth in other ways.
- Lack of commitment:
The related research found a spouse who is less committed to his/her marriage is more likely to cheat. When one or both spouses begin to drift away and take their partners from granted, the marriage suffers; and that gives room for the insertion of a third party.
- Boredom:
When romance is long gone in a marriage and the relationship is stuck in a boredom rut, a spouse may still want to look for passion; after failing to rekindle the passion in the marriage, the spouse may want to seek excitement and thrills from an extramarital affair.
By the way, some straying spouses claim that their fling is just a way to spice up sex in their marriages; such a reason for cheating involves a wrong understanding of how love matures in a long-term relationship.
- Revenge:
If a spouse has already badly had hurt the other one in some way, the offended spouse may feel a need to take revenge; in such a situation, an affair can be seen as a means of revenge.
…
Although there can be many reasons for infidelity in marriage, there are never any excuses. And adultery is not a misstep, mistake, or oversight. It is betrayal.
How do you know if your spouse is cheating on you?
Maybe, you have started to suspect your spouse of cheating, but you have not got definitive proof. And you find that how to prove your spouse’s infidelity is also a difficult and challenging thing. And usually, a cheating spouse will not admit to infidelity unless his/her partner has hard evidence or irrefutable proof. On the other hand, you are also afraid that if you simply follow your intuition and accuse your spouse of being unfaithful, maybe you will wrong him/her terribly; that will be counterproductive for the relationship.
Understandably, when you suspect your spouse is cheating, the constant wondering is enough to drive you mad. Anyway, premeditated infidelity is usually a recurring thing that comes with some warning or suspicious signs, and you might read the post below to watch out for those signs:
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.
Infidelity is so hard to track, especially when it comes to emotional infidelity. Many people who commit emotional infidelity can’t distinguish between emotional infidelity and “We are just friends”. For more tips on how to deal with emotional infidelity in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to deal with a spouse’s emotional affair – Save the marriage.
Or you might go on to watch the informative presentation below that will show you a surefire way to identify whether your spouse is cheating:
How to move forward if you have cheated on your spouse:
If you want to mend the marriage after an affair, you need to have a mental preparation – restoring a marriage after an affair is a long road. And here’re some basic tips you need to remember during the process of healing your broken marriage:
- Make sure you are genuinely remorseful:
As the spouse who has cheated, you have to feel deeply sorry. Without sensing your remorse and regret for your faulty behavior, your spouse will be utterly disappointed with you and then he/she will not consider giving you the chance to get back on track.
This is a hard step, but it will largely dictate whether you can move forward. You have to be aware of one thing: everyone can make poor choices at some point, and you are also not exceptional; and yet the problem is: when you are too focused on the aftermath of the affair, you don’t spend plenty of time pondering the motivating factors behind your wrongdoings; reasons for infidelity can be more complicated than you simply think; therefore, you need to take enough time to reflect upon how you dealt with the marriage; probably after looking back over the pre-crisis status quo, you will find there are a series of relationship issues (e.g. poor communication, antiquated gender roles, attachment difficulties, and underlying unmet needs) that provided the impetus for the extramarital affair.
Furthermore, the profound, critical reflection is also important to prevent those easily neglected problems from continuing to affect the future of the relationship.
- Avoid the temptation to re-engage with the affair:
To reassure your spouse after an affair, you need to take drastic measures to cut off contact with the third party and set up clear boundaries with other opposite-sex friends. You need to let your spouse feel that you do it spontaneously, seriously, and constantly. And in the future days, you should also provide more transparency about any interactions with opposite-sex friends.
- Move forward with brutal honesty:
After an affair, a crucial issue that needs to be urgently addressed is the lack of honesty. As we all know, lying is always a main part of the betrayal. Therefore, as a spouse who cheated but now wants to move the marriage forward, make sure to be completely transparent when you are answering questions about your affair – be honest about all the details, even the ones that may hurt your spouse. Remember, it takes a high level of transparency to gain your spouse’s trust back; and healing won’t happen unless you are willing to participate in the conversation honestly and openly, in a reassuring way.
- Be nicer and more caring:
Most likely, you have already become less and less caring and considerate in your married life, and you have done less and less for your spouse. After the affair, your spouse certainly wants you to be more caring about him/her as well as the family, whether he/she speaks it out or not. So you are supposed to avoid unnecessary social activities and spend more time with your spouse. And he/she also wants you to strengthen the contact with him/her, especially when he/she can’t be around you; this is also not so difficult; even though sometimes you can not give him/her a phone call, you can send him/her a short text message.
How to move forward if your spouse cheated on you:
Before you give your spouse the chance to heal the marriage, make sure your spouse is determined to turn a new leaf; to work hard together towards rebuilding the trusting and loving relationship, you need to learn how to forgive your spouse and let go of the unpleasant past; no doubt, forgiveness is a tough thing because cheating has shaken the relationship to its core; and it will take you a lot of time, energy, and effort inevitably. If you have no idea how to forgive a cheating spouse, you might read the post below:
How to forgive betrayal and move on in your marriage.
How to keep your spouse from cheating:
It will only be counterproductive if you attempt to use the negative, possessive, controlling behavior to avoid infidelity in marriage. You must be aware that infidelity often proves to be a highly challenging aspect of some unfulfilled partnerships, so you should focus on how to be a better version of yourself and improve the relationship with your spouse.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
6 tips on preventing extramarital affairs – Protect your marriage.
The final word:
Although a happy marriage is also no guarantee against infidelity, marital infidelity is often a problem or symptom for what is missing or not working within the marriage. Whether you or your spouse commits infidelity, there must be many areas that deserve your profound reflection. And infidelity does not have to mean the end of a marriage; in many cases, a marriage can survive after infidelity and can come out stronger. And if you need more expert tips on how to save a marriage that has been devastated by infidelity, you might go on to watch the video below; inside it, Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience, will show you a proven path to surviving infidelity and restoring your marriage regardless of the current situation:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – How to rebuild trust after an affair.
What is an emotional affair? – How to mend a marriage after it.
Top 5 common little things that ruin a marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to have a long lasting happy marriage – Marriage-saving tips.
6 tips on preventing extramarital affairs – Protect your marriage.
What a healthy marriage looks like – How to maintain a marriage.