When we are talking about marriage dissolving, we all know very well that a lot of major relationship issues (e.g. infidelity, financial stress, and midlife crisis) are dangerous to a marital relationship. However, there are a lot of divorce cases in which both spouses seem to never have committed a serious error in their relationships, and those couples parted amicably. And even though infidelity is involved in a broken marriage, the underlying problems usually have started long before the red line was crossed. Nobody wakes up and somehow thinks of having a marital affair. So divorce can be viewed as a result of long-term unhealthy development of marriage. For many problematic couples, in daily life, they may have got used to doing some routine things that are ruining their marriages, but they may have never realized their long-term impacts.
The following points out top 5 common little things that ruin a marriage:
(1) Saying hurtful words:
Are you adept at brandishing your sharp words to demean, belittle, and shame your spouse? If you keep this up, the constant verbal abuse is bound to disgust your spouse and make him/her less unresponsive to you and less concerned about you. Hurtful words are like the water that has been poured out, it can not be taken back; regardless of how sorry and guilty you feel afterward, you have already harmed your spouse.
Usually, new lovers watch their word choices carefully even when they are in the heat of an argument. Newlyweds are very aware that they would not like to say anything that distances their spouses, so they watch closely for any potential sign of distress. They truly treasure their closeness, and they can’t bear being at odds with their spouses for a long time. But unfortunately, as marriage mature, couples tend to care less about the way they speak to their spouses, and sometimes hurtful words inadvertently damage the intimacy in marriage. For example, when their frustration builds and their temper flares, they are tempted to dig up the past and use destructive phrases from those memories of long-forgotten events. As couples speak more and more hurtful words to their spouses, their spouses are more likely to feel that those negative remarks resemble what some hateful, malicious people have ever uttered.
Generally, a spouse would not like to act hostilely unless he/she exhausts his/her attempts to get what he/she wants from his/her spouse. The majority of spouses begin as devoted lovers and friends, trying their best to become considerate; but as time passes, gradually they become less and less determined to put each other first; imperceptibly, they may become verbal opponents, struggling to emotionally survive at the expense of each other. As their communication gets heated, they tend to care less and less about their words’ possible negative effects. Even gradually they may get accustomed to rationalizing their emotional venting with little or no apology and remorse. Due to the lack of remorse and apology, marital conflict easily escalates to bitter hostility between spouses.
When couples focus on winning instead of maintaining intimate connection or mutual trust, probably a verbal blow can leave an invisible and permanent scar on one or both of the spouses’ minds.
(2) Not putting each other first:
As a long-term interdependent relationship, a marriage is not easy to maintain, because it requires continuous efforts that seem endless. Because of its difficulty and highly time-consuming, a spouse may prioritize other issues above marital issues at some point, according to the principle “doing easy things first”.
When a spouse notices that his/her spouse is devoting more time and effort in other relationships (e.g. relationships with kids, in-laws, friends, colleagues, and even pets), he/she is apt to feel slighted or even hurt.
Nobody likes being moved from the number one spot to the second spot; married spouses are even more so. When a spouse is feeling as if he/she has been demoted by the other one, he/she naturally feels jealous and resentful.
Furthermore, in a blended family, prioritizing family members is often a tricky issue for couples. Anyway, when practicing how to put each other first, couples should understand the points below:
- Putting each other first doesn’t mean that a spouse must love his/her spouse more than his/her family members (e.g. children, and in-laws). Making marriage the top priority does not have to be associated with the level of love.
- It just means fully considering the spouse’s needs before making a decision that may affect the entire household.
(3) A transactional attitude:
When couples stop communicating with each other at a deep level, their relationships tend to deteriorate. No doubt, the lack of healthy communication is a big culprit behind breakups and divorces.
A lot of couples try to avoid an unpleasant argument by quit communicating as quickly as possible; due to increased communication barriers between two sides, probably they have an extreme (e.g. angry, furious, and even violent) argument later; and then they consciously or unconsciously set limits on daily communication with each other (e.g. what they talk about, and how long they can talk); as a result, they go into a downward spiral of lack of communication – they spend less and less time communicating with each other about trivial things, such as their children’s stories, their respective work, their respective life stories, household chores, and so on.
And surely, there are always some important issues that all married couples have to discuss together; but for those couples who are lack of communication, they feel as if their conversations are more and more like business dialogues – once the discussion about those important issues is over, the conversation ends instantly; and if they do not take action to change this destructive communication pattern, the conversations between them will only be more and more “transactional”.
As we all know, arguments often arise in business meetings, in which people experience unexpected conflict, tension, and feelings of disconnection; and that kind of discussion is tough and struggling for both sides usually; if discussion in marriage is regarded as business meetings, couples will be sorely tempted to avoid talking to each other; after all, in a marriage, generally neither side likes sparking or getting involved in intense conflict. Therefore, husbands and wives probably think: “Now that engaging in the conversation is often not safe and fun, it is better to stop it or at least cut it short”.
Anyway, couples need to seek a way to enhance communication with each other, instead of minimizing communication. And if you have no idea how to improve communication in your marriage, the posts below may give you some insights:
How to have effective communication in marriage.
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
(4) Being over-familiar:
It is surely a good thing for a person to know his/her partner like the back of his/her partner’s hand. Maybe, a spouse knows well the other spouse’s favorite color shirt, what drink he/she would order with which food… Familiarity is often viewed as an asset, but too much of a good thing can be deadly; likewise, sometimes over-familiarity can be a liability.
So the question arises: how much familiarity can be defined as over-familiarity in a relationship? Over-familiarity can be defined as follows: a spouse thinks he/she is close enough to the other spouse, so he/she does not have to excuse his/her obnoxious behavior. Over-familiarity can be thought of as a type of unfair entitlement – a spouse believes he/she has already earned a free pass or a privilege to do certain things that are offensive to the other one. These things include: yelling, dishonoring, ignoring, criticizing, being openly grumpy, teasing (even in play), being crude, complaining, nagging… In short, over-familiarity is closely linked to negative energy.
One thing needs to be particularly pointed out is mutual respect tends to erode when over-familiarity sets in. For example, if a spouse often has the other one to pick up his/her scattered clothes or has the other one to clean up after him/her, he/she may not show gratitude towards the other because those things have already been taken for granted; in his/her mind, it is unnecessary to stand on ceremony about those small things, and that just characterizes the intimate relationship. But on the other side, these acts of over-familiarity are very likely to disappoint the other and draw the other’s ire because these acts are too easily regarded as disrespect.
Over-familiarity is one of the little things that ruin a marriage because no one wants to feel disrespected in a marriage.
(5) Violating boundaries:
For many problematic couples whose marriages are overwhelmed by “unhealthy boundaries”, they think marriage is a relationship between a boundary lover and a boundary resistor. In such a marriage, the boundary lover may not know the exact perspective of the boundary resistor; the boundary lover just hopes that his/her spouse can deal with things the same way as he/she does; but on the other hand, the boundary resistor may attempt to demand more freedom by violating a boundary. And in reality, a boundary lover is often shocked or surprised to realize how differently his/her spouse thinks about relationship issues. As his/her spouse oversteps his/her boundary time and time again, he/she is inclined to think that his/her spouse just doesn’t respect him/her.
In normal circumstances, a boundary resistor and a boundary lover can be a loving couple; and maybe they deeply care for each other and are genuinely drawn to each other; but as the boundary conflict frequently arises, their good feelings for each other fade away, and instead, negative feelings towards each other become stronger and stronger.
The final word on little things that ruin a marriage:
Yes, something serious that a spouse does to the other one may make a relationship come to an end abruptly; but in most cases of divorce, marriages die a slow death. Maybe, your marriage also suffers due to neglect of little things that ruin a marriage – some little and customary things you often do may be toxic to your relationship, but unfortunately, you may have never noticed them.
If you feel the need to take measures to improve your marriage that is deteriorating, you might go on to watch the presentation below to get more suggestions:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.