Like any flight; a marriage can start out smooth and turbulence-free; but during the flight, unexpected turbulence can happen at any moment. And likewise, there is no successful marriage without a story of overcoming challenges.
And the following are some common challenges in marriage that most married couples encounter:
1 Resentment and anger:
We are all not perfect. We make mistakes from time to time; in a long-term relationship, a partner needs to continually learn how to deal with resentment and anger from him/her and his/her partner; and as your marriage progresses, you will have more and more profound experience in this.
Resentment and anger are unavoidable, what you can do is to how to manage it properly. After all, inevitably something goes wrong at some point and a couple can not always get on the same page; sometimes, when your spouse asks you to do something, you will drop the ball; sometimes you will say hurtful and wrong things to your spouse… Likewise, your spouse will also make a variety of mistakes that will let you down; in your eyes, he/she will gradually change from the ideal person whom you fell in love with deeply to a well-rounded, realistic person. On the one hand, you will see a lot of good things he will do to make you happy, on the other hand, you will feel disappointed, resentful, or angry towards him/her when seeing some of his/her flaws/mistakes.
Both resentment and anger are normal emotions; but when we don’t find a good way to express or release these negative emotions, our marriages hurt.
When it comes to resentment and anger, I think it is harder to deal with resentment. Compared with resentment, anger recedes as quickly as it comes; but resentment can be harbored for a long time; and it is no wonder a person’s resentment may fester and burn inside until years later it explodes, just like the extremely high pressure of red hot lava building up, and up, and up from deep in the earth.
Dealing with resentment and anger in a healthy way is easier said than done, but it is always worthwhile to keep working on it because it helps prevent more damaging and serious relationship issues.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
How to manage anger in marriage – Deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
2 Poor communication:
As your marriage evolves and becomes complex, you will be more aware of the importance of maintaining open communication. Regardless of the situation, you two are supposed to keep the lines of communication open. Even some seemingly small things also need to be communicated often; for example, you need to show your affection to your spouse regularly by using your words to communicate it emotionally; don’t assume that your spouse knows well that you always love him/her; and when you assume that you no longer need to express your affection to him/her, probably he/she feels that you are not so affectionate as before.
Remember, don’t expect your spouse to exactly know by telepathy what you are feeling, and don’t assume that your spouse can always read your mind exactly; generally, to prevent your spouse from misunderstanding you, or to prevent you from misunderstanding your spouse, a simple and effective way is to speak your mind.
Yes; long-term relationships can survive with poor communication; after years of marriage, a lot of marriages reach the point where couples lack communication and mutual consideration; in particular, some couples who have children can hold their marriages together without open communication for many years just for the benefit of their children. But, no doubt, such a marriage does not tend to be happy.
In short, it is important for couples to freely express themselves and learn to engage each other in open communication.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
How to have effective communication in marriage.
3 Long-standing unresolved conflict:
No marriages are free of conflict. And sometimes a couple can be bothered by certain perpetual conflict in their marriages; even sometimes certain long-standing conflict is so distressful that a couple considers divorce as a possible option. But actually, married couples can live with unresolved issues and perpetual conflict in their relationships as long as they are not dealbreakers. In a healthy marriage, the presence of conflict also stresses the relationship; but couples in healthy marriages know better how to respond to conflict in a positive, respectful manner than those couples in unhappy marriages; and this helps keep their marriages alive.
If you wonder how to deal effectively with conflict in marriage, here are some simple tips:
- To discuss a controversial issue with your spouse, make sure to have enough time and a relatively relaxed atmosphere. Express what you want/need in an assertive (non-aggressive) manner, and meanwhile, let your spouse feel that you are willing to hear his/her side of the story.
- Deal with conflict with a problem-solving attitude. If you notice that your spouse looks impatient (e.g. shaking his/her head, and looking at other things/people instead of looking straight at you) when you are putting your view across, there is no hurry to prove your point. You might stop speaking and ask for clarification on what he/she is unclear about or what he/she disagrees on. Otherwise, he/she may stonewall, or turn and walk away.
- Use more “I” statements: remember, “You” statements can easily come across as blameful towards your spouse; for example, the words like “You are silly…” can be replaced by “I feel hurt when you…” This trick helps lessen the tension.
- Show attunement with your spouse with non-verbal language that can demonstrate your intention to learn about his/her perspective.
- If you feel flooded or overwhelmed, take a short break so that you get some time to calm down yourself and collect your inner thoughts.
- Avoid extremes; don’t make threats, and don’t say those hurtful things that you may regret later.
- Keep an open dialogue; in this relationship, both you and your spouse deserve to get some of your needs met; therefore, when you are negotiating for what you need or want, you should be assertive and open.
To have a long-lasting marriage, you have to learn how to live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues in your married life. Long-standing unresolved conflict is one of the common challenges in marriage; but on the positive side, it can contribute to relationship growth. As long as a couple treats each other as an equal and adheres to the principle of equal consultation, mutual understanding, and mutual accommodation, the relationship will be nourished rather than be drained during the process of working through conflict.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
4 Inevitable changes:
In married life, a series of significant changes will take place over time. And if you refuse to accept those common, inexorable changes that can occur in any marriage, it is difficult for your marriage to move forward. To make this point clear, let’s talk about a few common changes that your marriage will have to go through:
- Physical body changes:
After you got married, the most familiar type of change is the physical change of your body. Specifically, it is quite natural for you to notice a gradual decrease in libido as you age, then one day you may agonize over what to do when you and your spouse have mismatched libidos; again as an example, you are inclined to plumpness when you reach middle age, then one day you may realize that you are no longer so attractive to your spouse… surely, the same to your spouse. No matter how we take care of our bodies, we are gradually losing body functions.
- Time management:
Marriages need to go through several major stages. When a marriage moves from a stage to the next stage, couples have to go through a significant change in time management. For example, after you and your spouse have a kid, one or both of you have to devote more time to work in an attempt to make more money for supporting the family, and one may have to do more volunteer work for raising the kid, then probably you two will not be able to spend time together as much as before; in that situation, you need to schedule your time again, rather than always complain that there is not enough together time.
- Fluctuations in income:
The swings in your or your spouse’s earnings are also a major change that can occur at some point. According to research, more than half of couples want a spouse to keep providing financial security in their marriages. Surely, if finances have always been a concern since the start of a marriage, couples will welcome the change when their income rises. However, financial changes that set off a downward spiral can put a severe strain on a marriage; for instance, the loss of a job or a downturn in a spouse’s industry can result in the decline of the household income. Actually, most people consider financial stability as a precondition for marriage; so a financial hardship often means a marital crisis – when a married couple always can’t afford to pay the basic utilities (e.g. heat, gas, and electricity), the overwhelming stress can activate their senses of helplessness, powerlessness, and anxiety; if things get worse, probably they will lose hope for their marriages.
For more tips on how to stay married through a financial crisis, you might go on to read the posts below:
7 simple tips on how to deal with financial stress in a marriage.
How to manage finances in a marriage – Couples’ financial management.
The final word:
Besides the common challenges in marriage that have been mentioned above, there are many other challenges that can arise in any marriage; anyway, challenges are not insurmountable obstacles. Overcoming challenges in your marriage can be a struggle, but that does not mean your marriage is doomed to failure; in most cases, it is a time for renewal and connection.
For more marriage-saving tips on what to do when your marriage is hard, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.
What should you do when your marriage is on the rocks?
7 common things that ruin a marriage slowly – Save your marriage.
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage.
Common factors leading to divorce – Marital flaws and problems.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.