Your marriage was broken by your extramarital affair, and now you feel that rebuilding trust after infidelity is so struggling.
Whether you intended to have an affair or not, eventually your spouse found out that you were cheating on him/her. Your conscience impelled yourself to admit that you undermined the sanctity of your marriage, and you could sense your spouse’s pain and resentment although he/she shows the willingness to continue to work on the marriage. You end the affair and start to improve the relationship bit by bit, but now you are facing all sorts of difficulties on the way to rebuilding trust after infidelity, and I bet you feel kind of overwhelmed by how struggling it is.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is bound to be a long haul. Anyway, don’t give up easily.
And the tips below may be helpful for you:
(1) Improve your communication
As both of you commit to working on the marriage, first you should focus your attention on improving your communication. Here are two suggestions:
(1-1) Take the initiative to connect with your spouse:
As the party who betrayed your partner, you should often remind yourself to take the initiative to open up and prove yourself to him/her. Why?
Although your spouse is willing to rebuild trust and connect with you, inevitably he/she will still get angry with you at thought of your infidelity, probably sometimes he/she will put up walls to protect himself/herself from the hurt, then he will keep the distance from you. Forgiveness is easier said than done, the past pain is still likely to refresh and even intensify in your spouse’s heart. In a short time, your spouse may be unable to make herself or himself open up, not to mention to trust you completely.
(1-2) Communicate honestly:
Start talking by being totally transparent with your spouse. Don’t attempt to escape blame by spinning petty lies. Don’t equivocate with your spouse when it comes to anything about your affair. Without honest communication, you can hardly reach an effective agreement that can prevent infidelity from happening again. Understandably, it is quite painful for you to confess your sins to your spouse when he/she wants to know your affair further, but you have got to tell him/her its ins and outs.
Honest and sincere communication seems simple, yet effective. And it plays a vital role in rebuilding trust after infidelity – It shows you are kind, truthful, and serious. The more you rebuild trust through sincerity and honesty, the more you will feel connected to your partner and foster trust in your relationship.
(2) Give your spouse attention and affection:
The occurrence of an affair indicates that you lavished too much attention on someone else; now that you decide to rebuild trust after infidelity, you should be aware that only your significant other deserves the quality attention. Among all the harmful effects of your affair, what hurts your spouse most is that he/she was cruelly deprived of your attention and affection by the affair. Although what you have done is done, you have to grasp the present to make it up. If possible, let your spouse receive much more attention and affection than before you had an affair. For example, you could do something romantic that you have only done when you fell in love with him/her.
Remember, during the process of rebuilding trust after infidelity, it is important to continuously show your spouse affection and attention. Regaining trust is a rather time-consuming and complex task, and no one knows its finish line, so don’t think that what you have done is enough, and make sure to show love and affection as much as possible, even if one day you start to assume the relationship has returned to normal. If possible, show your spouse love and affection on a daily basis.
(3) Let your spouse know your whereabouts:
Usually, only a clingy person will ask his/her significant other to act in this way. You may have never accepted it before. But at this stage, you lost the trust of your spouse, and you have to work on reassuring him/her and rebuilding the mutual trust. By actively sharing where you are at different times, you allow your spouse to freely keep a close watch on your daily movements, and hence you show your spouse that you are doing regular things; and especially if your spouse does not have time to watch you, this can help calm your spouse’s mind and prevent him/her from feeling insecure.
By the way, don’t forget to occasionally show affection to your spouse when you are updating your information on your whereabouts. For example, add in sweet words like “Just doing…I’m thinking of you.”, “Honey, I just arrived… love you”. And if possible, calling your spouse to declare your whereabouts is much better than texting.
(4) Build emotional intimacy at a slow pace:
In many cases, rebuilding trust after infidelity means you should mentally prepare yourself to start a relationship over from scratch; specifically, you should learn how to woo your spouse to fall back in love. The mere fact is that your spouse still has feelings for you and that the relationship hasn’t been ruined thoroughly, but sadly, your spouse no longer experiences the emotional and physical intimacy of the past relationship, and you need to work hard to restore it.
Emotional intimacy is much difficult to restore than physical intimacy, and generally, emotional intimacy can greatly promote physical intimacy; without emotional intimacy, your spouse will have few desires for physical intimacy, so focus on emotional intimacy in the beginning; and actually, there are many small things you can do to make your spouse feel comfortable with you again, for example, you may have a casual date with your spouse, make a surprising visit to him/her when he/she is still outside, cook his/her favorite dishes, say something funny that can be guaranteed to make him/her laugh, and have a long talk with your spouse about a topic that can interest him/her.
However, you do not have to act as if nothing ever happened and you are starting with a clean state. Remember, your spouse has undergone great pain due to your affair, and it is your time to step up your efforts to compensate him/her.
(5) Get rid of the old patterns that contribute to infidelity:
As regards the affair, perhaps, it is not all your fault. Because your judgment may be influenced and disturbed by temptation and timing in a particular situation, and then you had an affair. For example, you were surrounded by hot chicks or dudes at the bar, you were deluded by a posse of evil friends, or you were often too friendly with any member of the opposite sex. If so, you should try to avoid that kind of fault patterns. More specifically, if your spouse knows where your affair started, you’d better avoid that place or take your spouse with you when you have to go there. If you had an affair with your workmate, try your best to avoid getting along with him/her during working hours. If you had sex with your ex who attempted to rekindle the spark, you should immediately remove all your ex’s contacts, and show your spouse proof.
You should let your spouse clearly know that you are sparing no efforts to avoid those fault patterns. It clearly indicates your sincerity to rebuild trust after infidelity, and your spouse also badly wants you to take such measures to reassure him/her.
(6) Be patient:
Ending your affair only means a start of the road of rebuilding trust after infidelity; although you may have acted decisively to end your affair, the affair will inevitably leave your spouse with some sequelae, such as blaming you for your infidelity, occasional paranoid behavior, and lingering accusations, and it will last for a long period of time, you have to prepare yourself psychologically to accept them all as a normal part of the process of rebuilding trust after infidelity, and all relationships marred by infidelity have to go through this phase, so never let it shake your resolve, although you don’t know how long the negative after-effects of infidelity will persist.
The final word:
Your affair is a relationship crisis, you have to reflect deeply upon problems behind your affair; on the other hand, rebuilding trust after infidelity is also a challenging test for both of you. Anyway, as long as you pay enough time and effort, gradually your spouse will let his/her guard down and trust you again; by that time, probably your marriage will become even more stable than before.
If you want to learn more about how to save your marriage life after you have an affair, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it provides a roadmap for dealing with emotional or physical infidelity, and its practical guidance may give you the confidence to make your marriage recover and thrive again.
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
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How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to gain your wife’s trust back – Regain your lost trust.
10 basic tips on how to prevent your husband from cheating on you.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.