If your spouse cheated once, will he/she do it again?
Can your cheating spouse change his/her ways?
As the victim, you wonder whether your spouse can be trusted after he/she cheated on you. Cheating seems to be a lifestyle – once someone is in, he/she can hardly get out. So should you forgive your cheating spouse and try to save the dying marriage? The answer may surprise you…
Well, first of all, let’s look at the data. Massive studies show that a big number of married people describe themselves as happy actually has ever had affairs. Surely, this is not to say that cheating is okay. What you need to know is: if you have ever been cheated on by your partner, you are not alone; and numerous partners were subjected to cheating in their love relationships, but most of them managed to move forward with life and love. On the other hand, compared with those people who were not found to cheat in their first relationships, many studies found that those people who ever cheated in their first relationships are much more likely to cheat in their next relationships
Should you forgive your cheating spouse?
Although many cheaters do re-offend and they feel less and less guilty as they repeatedly lie and cheat, most cheaters are not serial cheaters. And the occurrence of repeated cheating can be associated with a wide range of factors. And there is no way to guarantee that your cheating spouse will not cheat again.
But anyway, if you wonder whether you should move forward after being cheated on, the following are some helpful insights:
1 Genuine remorse is a pleasant sign of change:
When you decide whether you can trust your cheating spouse again, you should look for his/her genuine remorse for his/her cheating behavior. Surely, this goes beyond saying “I’m sorry”, but also in his/her actions and demeanor – he/she needs to show you that he/she deeply regrets his/her wrongdoings and is trying his/her best to change himself/herself significantly. For instance, your cheating spouse should propose a plan to prevent cheating going forward, and meanwhile, he/she needs to make a consistent effort to fix those underlying problems that cause the rift in the relationship.
Only after your cheating spouse owns to his/her hurtful actions, the two of you can work on the relationship together and start to rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy.
The intention is important:
You both need to have a desire to move the relationship forward otherwise it is all for nothing. Again, genuine remorse should be backed up by constant actions that show both evidence of change and desire to change.
2 Circumstances matter:
To determine the likelihood of your spouse’s repeated cheating, you need to think about the specific circumstances in which he/she cheated on you; By looking at why your spouse cheated and gaining a nuanced understanding of what he/she felt about you, you are more likely to spot relationship problems and thus better prevent the unfortunate incident from recurring.
Motivations for cheating can vary from person to person, and let’s talk about the common motivations behind an extramarital affair:
- Revenge:
After feeling hurt, a spouse may cheat in an attempt to get back at his/her spouse. More often than not, this type of affair is a one-time thing, and the cheating spouse wants his/her spouse to catch him/her cheating. This is destructive, hurtful, and never a healthy way of healing hurt in a love relationship. However, there is still a small consolation – since a cheating spouse wants to use cheating to let the other one feel the hurt that he/she felt, at least it proves the cheating spouse still cares about how the other one feels about him/her.
Although love has become deformed and twisted in this case, it is still there. And it is up to the victim to decide whether he/she should forgive and move on.
- Growing apart:
Over time, a cheating spouse may feel some of the intimacy and passion has missed from the long term relationship, and then he/she may want to use cheating to attempt to draw the other one’s attention and make the other one fight for him/her again. Surely, this is unjustifiable; but on the other hand, it should be perceived as a wakeup call that you need to prevent your marriage from dying a slow death even though you decide to salvage the marriage.
- One mistake:
This type of affair occurs in a circumstance like a romantic comedy, where romantic things perfectly come together, but it culminates in just one night of regrettable passion. Although this still hurts, it is an easy form of cheating that people can forgive and move on from. After all, this is not a full-fledged affair, and it is less likely to happen than other types of affairs; and in general, the cheating spouse also regrets the impulsive behavior later, and is willing to admit that he/she has done wrong, and he/she also wants to avoid committing such a stupid and dangerous blunder again.
- Sex addiction:
A cheating spouse may use sex addiction as an excuse to justify his/her infidelity; sex addiction is described as a progressive intimacy disorder featured by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts; no doubt, it badly affects a long-term relationship in multiple dimensions. If a spouse cheated due to sex addiction, this will be a long road to recovery because it requires medical treatment of those underlying problems that can lead to sex addiction.
- Escape:
For many people who do not want to stay in their miserable marriages, they regard having an affair as a means of ending their relationships. Especially when a spouse is experiencing a marital crisis and has trouble expressing his/her emotions in front of the other spouse, he/she focuses on the negative rather than trying to fix relationship problems; this increases the likelihood that the spouse will consider having an extramarital affair.
Surely, when a spouse no longer wants to fix the dying marriage, most likely the marriage will come to an end eventually if the other spouse does not know how to take steps to stop the situation from further worsening.
Another factor in determining the severity of a spouse’s cheating behavior is how the other one found about the affair. If a cheating spouse admitted infidelity because of his guilt, then that shows his/her serious remorse and desire to change. But if a spouse caught the other one cheating or find the other one cheating by other means, then the trust will be much harder to rebuild.
3 It is necessary to look at the relationship history:
Another consideration you need to take is looking at the state of your marriage before your spouse cheated on you. For example, if you and your spouse have been together for many years but have been growing apart gradually, then from another perspective, his/her cheating can be perceived as a warning that you have lacked consideration for the long-term maintenance of the relationship. But if your spouse cheated on you although the two of you have a harmonious relationship, then you should do some serious thinking; probably, there is something unseen that has always been sabotaging the relationship, and you need to think about whether your cheating spouse has hidden some serious problems from you; and before you decide to move the broken marriage forward, first you may need to sort out those hidden issues by looking back at the relationship history.
Anyway, forgiving your cheating spouse is your decision:
Can you still see a future with your spouse, even though it is remote? If you can, then you can consider forgiving him/her. Furthermore, never forgive your cheating spouse because you want to sustain the relationship by sweeping issues under the rug. True forgiveness takes time; and false forgiveness will only breed more stress, resentment, and hurt.
Remember, forgiveness is something that you need to work on and cultivate. Therefore, it is quite common for the feelings of hurt and anger to return after you have decided to forgive your cheating spouse. This is just an ongoing process. Don’t worry.
Furthermore, forgiveness does not mean that your spouse’s cheating behavior was okay. If you refused to forgive your cheating spouse because you think your forgiveness means you have to accept or forget his/her cheating behavior, this is not the case. Maybe, your forgiveness will not lessen the outcome of your cheating spouse’s actions that threaten the marriage; in some cases, your forgiveness can be just an act of trying to let go of those negative emotions; for example, if you are unwilling to continue the relationship and want to move onto a new relationship, you also need to learn to forgive the cheater ultimately; after all, if you stop the effort to forgive your cheating spouse, those negative feelings will harbor deep inside and eat away at your happiness in the future.
Cheating can share a marriage to its core, but in most cases, a broken marriage is still worth saving; and many times, a marriage can survive infidelity.
In general, working hard at marriage is much better than divorce. And if you need more tips about how to forgive and move forward, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is provided by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What is an emotional affair? – How to mend a marriage after it.
6 tips on preventing extramarital affairs – Protect your marriage.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage
10 basic tips on how to prevent your husband from cheating on you.
how to get your wife to forgive you after cheating – restore trust in you.