Are you a nagging wife? Why should you stop nagging him?
Do you struggle with nagging your husband? Nagging should be regarded as a signal that something goes wrong in your relationship. No woman likes to nag unless she feels overwhelmed, overworked, unheard, or taken-for-granted. If you have to repeatedly remind your spouse to take more responsibility and work harder, the damage is done. Unless you stop being a nagging wife, the marriage has the potential to become increasingly toxic or even fall apart.
Stopping nagging is easier said than done; if you wonder how to stop being a nagging wife, the 9 tips below may be helpful:
(1) Just repeat your request once more:
Sometimes, it is necessary to repeat your request when you want your spouse to take seriously certain issues; but if you go on repeating after that, it tends to backfire. Usually, if you repeat the same request more than 3 times in the presence of your spouse, most likely it will be automatically regarded as nagging instead of a reasonable request.
How to stop nagging him when you have to repeat your request:
Is there a way to make your spouse take your input/advice into consideration again, rather than pass it off as nagging?
Here are some tips:
First, you should recognize that there is a communication gap between you and him (that is one of the reasons why what you emphasize doesn’t register in his brain). Before voicing your request for the second time, it is better to speak in the same manner and tone as the first time; don’t mix your tone with judgment/criticism, if you do so, it is highly likely that your request will be moved ahead into the nagging territory.
Again, it is inadvisable to voice the same request three times; if you have to do so, you may phrase your request as a question, for example, you may say “Can you give me your thoughts on this matter, if you anticipate a problem in it, can we work together?” When you start a conversation by questioning him in a kind and compassionate manner, not only your husband will not feel blamed or pressured, but you can be open to his response.
Furthermore, you may add positive reinforcement into your statements; express your appreciation to his efforts in complying with your request, rather than become too caught up in what he is not doing or where he did not do well.
(2) Acknowledge your nagging is controlling behavior:
To a certain extent, your nagging is merely a disguised form of your controlling behavior; think about why you keep nagging your husband, ultimately the purpose is to get him to do as you tell him.
How to stop nagging him when he does not do something the way you want him to:
The next time when you feel upset about one thing that he does not fulfill your requirements, remember to ask yourself:” What is that all for?” If you recognize that you attempt to control the marriage life or your husband, you should be aware that these efforts to take control are futile, because your controlling behavior is based on unknown/unpredictable fear. In such cases, it is better to expose yourself to what you fear than wasting time to nag your husband. In short, acknowledging and facing your fear is a big step forward for you in stopping your nagging.
(3) Use “I” statements more often:
There is one thing in common among most nagging wives: nine times out of ten their statements begin with ”you” when they are nagging their husbands, such as “You always come home late”, ”You never take the trash out”, and “You should remember it”. There is a note of blame or criticism in such “You” statements, which will put your spouse on the defensive. But no one enjoys being blamed or criticized, and your husband is also not exceptional.
Hence, you might as well replace those “you” statements with “I” statements, such as “I want you to take the trash out”, “I’ll wait until you come back tonight”, “I” statements display your positive attitude to participate in the conversation, rather than let him feel as if you are criticizing him as an outsider. You can express the same meaning through “I” statements or “You” statements, but “I” statements just make people feel more friendly and acceptable than “You’ statements.
(4) Accept your helplessness:
You have to admit that it is difficult to change something about your husband (such as his habit of drinking/smoking, and his little idiosyncrasies). Maybe you feel your nagging is so justified based on health concerns. Perhaps, the first time when you suggest him to quit these habits, he may carefully listen to what you say, and your advice will not elicit his strong negative emotions as well. But if you keep trying to persuade him to make a change, probably he will feel offended by your nagging and then he will have to keep a distance from you.
How to stop nagging him when you feel helpless:
Accept the fact – you can not have control over a lot of things. So you should shift attention to what you can control in the relationship. As to things about him which make you feel helpless and frustrated, all you can do is to make sure that you do your job well and set a good example for him, one day he may follow you.
(5) Use positive reinforcement more than criticism:
Again, no one enjoys being controlled; surely, your husband is also not exceptional; generally, your nagging is easily perceived as controlling behavior. And even if he has to yield to you in one aspect, he may put up stubborn resistance in other aspects. Besides that, your husband may also feel rejected and down because your nagging may leave him an impression that he is inadequate in your eyes; gradually, he will misunderstand that you are not satisfied with anything he says or does no matter how hard he works; and hence you deliberately hit him in this way, so he may become sorely tempted to retaliate with resentment, anger, and withdrawing.
How to stop nagging him when you are tempted to criticize him:
When you are tempted to criticize your husband, you might shift focus to yourself – make a point of observing and restraining yourself; for example, observe how often you feel an urgent need to tell him what he is doing wrong or what he misses; and put yourself in his shoes, would you put up with your partner’s incessant criticism if you were him. In this situation, you might consider using positive reinforcement (e.g. appreciation, and praise) more than criticism. Maybe you are a bit unaccustomed to doing so in the beginning, and you may also feel a bit unnatural, but it is worth trying to do so because such an approach encourages him to interact positively with you.
(6) Don’t act as an authoritative leader:
If you constantly nag your husband, you may have been used to treating him as though he is a child; and your nagging not only makes him feel like a disappointment but also enhances the authoritarian leadership style (if you are a nagging wife, you are certainly the authority figure in the relationship). No doubt, your nagging undermines the equal partnership in marriage, and your authoritarian personalities make it difficult to sustain a marriage.
How to stop nagging him when your man feels that you are too boss :
Try to avoid unnecessary arguments by setting standards/rules in advance. For example: before executing a task that you assign to him, you and he should work together to set a specific standard that can be acceptable for both sides; the more specific, the better; likewise, when you are arguing about finances or home chores, remember to follow a well-established rule/agreement.
Moreover, you should have a notion – “There is no “me” or “you” in marriage, the two of you are a team. When a problem occurs in your marriage, you should work it out together.” So when he is getting into trouble, don’t stand aside, wagging your finger at him. When you are truly aware that his problem is also yours, you will be keen to help him address all kinds of problems, instead of acting like a nagging wife.
(7) Focus on yourself:
If you often nag your husband to make yourself happy, it is highly likely that you have neglected your own needs and that your needs remain unfulfilled for a long time. You feel that you are lack of a sustainable resource to make yourself happy, you try to get the feeling from someone else, and hence you choose to put a lot of your energy and time on your partner.
If you find that you are focusing entirely too much on your husband, you should improve yourself first rather than keep nagging him:
First, understand the truth – a lot of things which you hate or reject are closely associated with those traits that you possess. For example, do you notice that you like to blame your husband for laziness? But in daily life, there exists a counterexample showing that you are also lazy or lazier.
To avoid such a type of nagging behavior, you need to be a more empowered and self-possessed person; so concentrate on yourself now, confront your shortcomings or weaknesses and figure out how to improve yourself. And if you recognize that you also have the same shortcomings or that you have ever made the same mistakes as your man did, you should not judge him too harshly.
(8) Allow him to gain trust and respect back.
Nagging implicitly shows a lack of respect or trust in a relationship. When you are suspicious of your husband, when you no longer count on him, or when you no longer respect him, you tend to nag him.
By the way, according to research, the leading topic that a nagging wife bickers with her husband over is surprisingly not sex, money, and in-laws; most of the time, wives nag their men because they look on their men with distrust and disrespect.
How to stop nagging him when you lack trust in him:
Although your man may have ever lost your trust and respect towards you, you should allow him to gain them back. Unfortunately, trust and respect issues are rather complicated and deep-seated (maybe it is related to infidelity, lies, broken promises, and so on), and there is no quick fix to regain trust and respect. Surely, trust and respect will also not return unless he made significant changes in the marriage. Moreover, to encourage him to make more efforts to gain trust and respect back, you should actively share your innermost feelings with him; and meanwhile, you might consider giving him more opportunities to finish things without interfering with him.
(9) Release your anger:
Nagging can be an expression of your negative emotions, especially resentment or anger. Sometimes you may have already known that nagging has little effect on him, you still keep nagging him about the same thing, and you just want to justify your anger. However, your nagging can also make him angry in turn, then both of you tend to be trapped in a vicious cycle.
How to stop nagging him when you are angry with him:
No matter how happy a marriage relationship is, feelings of anger are almost inevitable. However, when it comes to the expression of your anger, it does not have to come out as complaining, criticizing, nagging, or even physical/verbal abuse.
Expressing anger can be scary or overwhelming, but sometimes you have to do it for the sake of the health of your marriage. (By the way, a healthy relationship must include open communication, so make sure you can speak up to let him know exactly what you need/want/desire). When you are angry with him, you should try to resist the impulse to blow up at him for all his wrongdoings. Instead, give yourself some time to think over things again so that you can communicate them more clearly in front of him; in doing so, your statements should also become more rational and less emotional.
For more tips on how to deal with anger and resentment in marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to manage anger in marriage – deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment
The final word:
Again, nagging him can backfire, the nagging means you are not satisfied with what he does for the relationship; but for him, he may dig his heels; Little, unpleasant things like nagging can accumulate over time; and the negative consequences of nagging will further contribute to marital instability. Therefore, to keep your marriage alive, you should stop being a nagging wife. Rather than nag him to open up, you might focus on what you can do to delight him and awaken his desire to earn your trust and love back.
If you need more tips about how to get your man committed to you without nagging or using manipulation, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a world-renowned marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience:
Learn what to say to your husband – Make him obsess about you again…
Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
9 tips on how to make your husband loyal – What he needs in the marriage.
How to keep him obsessed with you – Your man’s secret obsession.
What should you do when your husband says he hates you?
4 matters you should pay attention to when your husband hates you.
Why your husband is unhappy with you – Understand him better.
What every husband needs from his wife – A husband’s basic needs.