A marriage inevitably ebbs and flows, like the waves of the sea. Sometimes, those ebbs can become a full-blown marital crisis; and understandably, when your marriage is in crisis, it is challenging for you to figure out how to deal with the relationship.
And if you are trying to get through the marital crisis, the tips below are worth reading:
(1) Cultivate a more positive mental attitude:
This tip sounds a little silly at first, but it can make a positive difference to the recovery of the broken relationship. When you are overwhelmed with negative thoughts about your spouse, it is easy to efface those great memories of your times together; surely, there are disagreements from time to time, regardless of the stage of your relationship. Like most couples who are feeling miserable in a marriage, probably, you have a very negative way of looking at your failing marriage; no doubt, this is biased, and this is not conducive to restoring the relationship. Therefore, to better deal with the worsening situation, first, you need to try to adjust the state of your mind; by recalling those fun and happy shared memories and your spouse’s hard work that you ever appreciated, you remind yourself to think more positively about your spouse as well as the relationship.
Remember, whatever difficulties and risks you come up against in your marriage, you need to adopt a positive attitude; and that helps make more room for a better solution.
(2) Defuse arguments in your marriage:
Sometimes, a marital crisis arises out of a single, unexpected thing like cheating. But on the other hand, a lot of married couples facing a marriage crisis reach this point because of ongoing attraction-killing, toxic arguments/fights; and if unchecked, occasional disagreements can turn into constant bickering and passive-aggressive jabs. It is tough to quickly solve those underlying issues leading to major disagreements. And yet it is relatively easy to take action to prevent those arguments from becoming more toxic or causing further damage to the relationship.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument
(3) Don’t take rash actions:
Like a lot of couples who are deeply stuck in a marital crisis, probably you also have an impulse to take rash actions that head for the exit. For example, maybe you deliberately provoke awful transgressions or fights, you frequently reject having sex with your spouse when he/she tries to initiate it, or you frequently bring up the unpleasant mistakes that your spouse made to let him/her down. But whether you do it out of laziness, frustration, fear, or revenge, you should not be rash with words or actions. The truth is: a lot of problematic couples can work through those seemingly insurmountable difficulties as long as they are both willing to make constant efforts.
Except for abuse in marriage (e.g. alcohol, substance, verbal, and physical abuse), it is worthy for couples to try to make their marriages work again; and many unhappy marriages still survive eventually although some critical issues can not be resolved for the time being.
In a word, avoid the tendency to make sudden or rash decisions in a difficult moment.
(4) Be assertive:
When your marriage is in crisis, probably you lack a good way to express your feelings, explain your needs, and set boundaries. In this case, learning how to be assertive may help develop more self-worth and defuse the tension between you and your spouse. Being assertive is not only about how to confidently speak up for your feelings and needs in front of your spouse but also about how to communicate in a way that is respectful of your spouse.
Surely, assertiveness does not naturally come to you, and it takes practice to develop your assertive behavior in your marriage; and here are 5 simple tips that you need to keep in mind:
- Practice using more “I“ statements.
- State clearly what you need or what you want to happen in a peaceful tone.
- Listen patiently to what your spouse is saying even though you may completely disagree with his/her point of view.
- Accept the fact – sometimes you have to learn to compromise on something unimportant. Compromise should be viewed as the dance between two sides to find a way that each side’s wants and needs are met. Anyway, you still can stick firmly to your convictions.
- Being assertive is never about accusations, putting your spouse on trial, or hurling insults.
(5) Understand how differently you and your spouse respond to the crisis:
When your marriage is in a crisis, you should be aware of the point: your spouse’s responses may be quite different from yours. Knowing this helps reduce unnecessary misunderstandings that can easily develop in a difficult time. Generally, a woman tends to deal with stress and crises by openly communicate how she feels; by contrast, a man is much more likely to focus on how to make himself stronger mentally; generally, faced with a severe situation, women feel an urgent need to talk with their men about what is going on, but men’s first thoughts are that they need to try their best to fix the problem on their own.
Furthermore, women are inclined to think emotionally, while men are inclined to think rationally. Therefore, faced with a marital crisis, a wife is more likely to express sadness, resentment, and anxiety; surely, a husband also has an emotional reaction, whereas his emotional intensity is usually lower, and it may look more like confusion, frustration, distress, and anger.
As explained above, whether you are a wife or husband, you need to be aware of the way your spouse deals with a crisis, and meanwhile, you should also let him/her learn about your typical reaction.
(6) Get out of the blame game:
When your marriage is in crisis, probably you two have already been entangled in a seemingly endless blame game. The blame game should be viewed as a way to avoid taking responsibility for marital problems. As you and your spouse blame each other and the game goes on and on, it erodes the integrity of the marriage; its damage can be widespread, such as below:
- The more you shift the blame on your spouse, the more he/she doubts himself/herself. And vice versa.
- It erodes the self-esteem of you and your spouse.
- It promotes anxiety and depression.
- It hinders self-improvement and self-reflection.
- It undermines mutual trust.
- It prevents truth-telling.
To stop the blame game, you need to make a profound shift in your thinking. When you are caught in the blame game, you focus on what is wrong about your spouse and how he/she needs to change, and yet you do not realize your responsibility for your wrongdoings. In other words, you underestimate your ability to change the bad situation by improving yourself; and you get into the mindset – “I feel unsatisfied in this marriage so my spouse has to change.” In this situation, both you and your spouse need to ask yourselves questions like “Why is my spouse’s characteristics or behavior so annoying?”, “What are my emotional needs? Have I communicated those needs directly?”, and ”We both have a problem, but anyway, what can I do to change the situation?”.
In short, a blame game deserves your reflection; and once you are willing to engage in deep self-reflection, you will be conscious of your responsibility for what you have done to your spouse; over time, you will realize that there is no point in going on to play the blame game.
To survive a marital crisis, focus on changing yourself rather than wait for your spouse to change for you.
When your marriage is in crisis, do you entertain the idea like “If he/she would just change… then things would be much better,” However, many times, this kind of thinking doesn’t work; furthermore, you should also not pressure your spouse to change; remember, no one likes to be pressured to change; your spouse is also not exceptional. If you are pressuring your spouse to make the relationship better for your sake, this will only cause him/her to feel angrier, more anxious, and more discouraged; the more you do so, the further he/she pulls away from you.
Furthermore, even though your spouse does change for you, he/she will not feel good about the relationship unless you also make some positive changes.
Hence, regardless of your relationship status, you can only focus on how to improve yourself; and if you attempt to turn your spouse into the person you desire, most likely that will only disappoint you after the fact.
When your marriage is having problems, it is so easy to look at your spouse and see what he/she has done wrong and how he/she has disappointed you. However, in many cases, he/she does not change as you want; you have to accept the fact, and surviving a marital crisis should begin with being willing to take 100% responsibility for your part of relationship problems and become a better version of yourself.
For more tips on how to save your marriage when your marriage is in crisis, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
Notice these warning signs your marriage is headed for divorce.
What not to do when your spouse wants out – Save the marriage.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
Pay attention to these common but serious mistakes in marriage.