Marriage is a marathon; it takes constant work to avoid exhaustion that may force us to quit running. And if you are also running in this marathon, I bet you have noticed that there are so many issues that can wreak havoc on the long-term relationship.
Then let’s talk about several common but serious mistakes in marriage:
(1) You feel complacent about your marriage:
When you simply take your spouse as well as your relationship for granted, you give offense to him/her. Of course, you may coast in your marriage for a short time, but don’t assume that things will always stay the same; and if you are complacent about the status quo and stop making constant efforts toward improving yourself as well as your relationship, then the relationship will deteriorate over time.
In married life, complacency can take a variety of forms; sometimes, it looks like a spouse no longer feeling the need to greet the other one affectionately; sometimes, it manifest as a spouse no longer investing in his/her appearance, and sometimes it can show up as emotional distance or a lack of physical intimacy… But anyway, all the forms are linked to the thought that both you and your spouse will always be devoted to each other and will be committed to making the marriage work regardless of the situation. This thought sounds a little silly. However, as you feel more and more comfortable, satisfied, and secure in your marriage, you tend to accept this thought unconsciously.
Whether you believe it or not, the feeling of complacency can easily communicate itself to your spouse; when you are complacent, he/she can sense that you have lost passion in your marriage and stopped pushing yourself to be better.
(2) You allow the members of your original family to interfere too much with your marriage:
The healthy marriage should be around a relationship between two spouses, not a complex relationship between two spouses and their families of origin. If a married couple has not established clear boundaries with people outside their relationship from the very beginning, the pattern of family members interfering may get worse and break up the relationship down the road. Although all the married couples know they need to learn to deal with family interference constructively, many of them are vulnerable to its disruptive forces, especially when a spouse comes from the original family where his/her family members used to be enmeshed in each other’s business.
Therefore, to keep the marriage alive, you and your spouse should form a united union and make your union the priority regardless of the situation; you need to be strong enough to handle the outside interference that puts a strain on your relationship, even if it comes from your original family. Especially if you have a mom or dad who is inclined to meddle in your marital matters, you need to let them know that you have been a capable adult and that you have the right to make significant decisions on your own.
(3) You are codependent in the marriage:
If you want to have a long-lasting marriage, you should not only learn how to spend time together but also learn how to spend time alone. In other words, a happy partnership does not require too much reliance.
If you admit that you are somewhat codependent in your marriage, probably you have placed your self-esteem in your ability to control and influence your spouse’s feelings and behavior. This attempt to control looks like you are always trying to cater to your spouse’s needs, but this is never done, and such an attempt is often resented and neglected by your beloved.
As a codependent spouse, probably you just feel like you need to do much more. However, when you realize that doing more does not work well, you also turn to projection, rationalization, and denial in your relationship. Then you will fall into a negative pattern: the more defenses you use, the more unable you become to recognize your true feelings, and the more unable you become to understand and meet your spouse’s emotional needs. This is where you often have a lot of compassion but end up feeling disorientating; in that situation, although you also feel something is not right in the marriage, you just can’t figure out why or what.
Related post: How to overcome codependency in marriage – Fix the marriage
(4) You don’t reach agreement on family finances by consensus:
Money is tangible, useful, and emotional. When you and your spouse get married, you both bring a personal attitude and approach toward financial management into the union. If the agreement about how money should be managed is not clear and mutually acceptable, your marriage will be headed for trouble sooner or later. As we all know, a lot of cases of divorce are around the misuse and abuse of money.
Furthermore, unstated or undiscussed financial issues have a bigger potential to destabilize a marriage because it can greatly undermine the mutual trust and consensus. Financial issues should never be swept under the rug. And to build a realistic budget and set joint short-term and long-term financial goals, you should not escape financial conflict; instead, what you should do is to learn how to defuse conflict.
(5) You expect too much of your spouse:
Like a lot of problematic couples, probably you also have a false expectation of your marriage. But don’t assume that there will always be candles, flowers, and romantic dinners in your married life. Personal life is hard at some point, and married life is also not different; life together is bumpy from time to time, this applies to any long-term relationship. To make your marriage work, sometimes one or both of you have to sacrifice some of your time, your likes, and your needs. Understandably, compromise is not so easy to swallow, and you may also feel uncomfortable lowering your expectations.
Probably, you still have trouble accepting your spouse for who he/she is and dream of turning him/her into the person you desire. After all, your spouse has such-and-such quirks, flaws, and shortcomings; your spouse can not always live up to your expectations; however, failure to accept him/her breeds your resentment and frustration. On the other hand, your spouse may also feel angry, distressed, and frustrated, thinking he/she is never good enough in your eyes.
In particular, your inflated expectations of your spouse may come from comparing him/her to other people. Sometimes, you just feel that the grassland looks greener on the other side, but it may not be true. Every marriage has problems, and every spouse can’t be perfect although some people are indeed more excellent than your spouse in some field.
Actually, nobody wants to become someone else’s DIY project. The imperfect marriage does not mean the marriage is wrong. Being a perfectionist should be regarded as one of the serious mistakes in marriage that every couple should avoid; and the sooner you understand this truth, the faster you can let go of your unrealistic expectations of your spouse.
(6) You hold onto the past:
The marriage can’t go forward if you always hold onto past hurts, especially if you don’t let go of past relationship issues that had already been addressed. Probably you have the similar experience: when you are fiercely arguing with your spouse, if you bring up old disagreements, this will make him/her feel trapped and helpless; on the other hand, this makes the argument unconstructive and ineffective because it is so boring to fight about the same thing over and over again. In a healthy marriage, couples usually focus on issues at hand during an argument, rather than drastically blow those issues out of proportion by dragging old disagreements into the new equation.
On the life-long journey, we have to experience mistakes, failures, disappointments, and hurts. But none of us can change the past, and living in the unpleasant past only fractures our relationships. The thing you have the power to change is to fully live in the present and plan for the future.
(7) You often expect your spouse to read your mind:
Open communication is a key ingredient to a long-lasting happy marriage. However, as your married life goes on, you may feel like you and your spouse have had a good on-pitch understanding with each other, and thus you assume that your spouse should know what you want or feel without saying it out. But nobody can accurately read someone else’s mind all the time; and there are times when your spouse fails to read your mind, especially if you don’t put across your point of view; for example, when you give your spouse a silent treatment and walk away without saying anything, he/she may have to try to figure out what is wrong but fail to get inside your mind.
Given the above, you should be aware of one thing: the more he/she gets you wrong, the more disappointed you and your spouse feel; gradually, one or both you will entertain the thought – “I don’t feel understood by my spouse.” That can cause an emotional rift between you two.
To make your spouse deeply understand you, the best way is to openly communicate your desires, wishes, concerns, and expectations;
(8) You often fight to win:
All married couples fight, some couples fight to find resolutions, some just want to vent out negative emotions (e.g. frustration, and anger) toward each other; and what is worse, some fight to win – they attempt to prove they are right and then keep score in their relationships; however, in married life, arguments are never about who is right/wrong and who wins/loses because couples are on the same boat and they are a team. Therefore, keeping score in marriage is a game leading to lose-lose status. In married life, fighting should be viewed as an opportunity to reach a compromise and settle disputes between spouses.
For more tips about how to stop keeping score with your spouse, you might go on to read the posts below:
7 basic tips on how to stop keeping score in marriage.
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
The final word:
If unchecked, many mistakes along the way may continuously escalate a marital problem until it becomes a full-blown marriage crisis. Therefore, it is better to spot those mistakes as early as possible. Furthermore, some mistakes are also inevitable in a long term relationship, but as long as we try to deal with them constructively, relationships can recover from problems and flourish through imperfections.
If you want to learn more about how to fix serious mistakes in marriage, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping couples survive and thrive in unhappy marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
Don’t ignore these warning signs that your marriage is in danger.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to have a long lasting happy marriage – Marriage-saving tips.