If you are hit with the bombshell that your spouse wants to end the marriage, you must feel frustrated, stressed, confused, or even angry because you think you always work hard to sustain the marriage; and I bet you are still trying to patch up your marriage; but when you are in low spirits, you are prone to commit errors. Hence, during the marital crisis, you should be particularly cautious about how you deal with the relationship.
And the following points out 7 things you should not do when your spouse wants out:
1 Do not collapse:
At such a time of crisis, probably you are trying your best to ease your spouse’s transition into divorce; therefore, maybe you allow your spouse to do whatever he/she wants; in other words, maybe you choose to tolerate or ignore his/her inappropriate behavior; you yield because you are afraid that if you do not satisfy what he/she needs, he/she will become more angry and unhappy, then things will get worse.
A departing spouse may demonstrate frustration and anger if he/she feels that his/her spouse is working against him/her. And a departing spouse is often good at manipulating the relationship with a variety of threats. And hence, as a spouse who is struggling to save the marriage, in response to your spouse’s tantrums and threats, probably you also give in. However, giving in to your spouse does not help improve the situation; and contrary to your expectation, the more you give in to your spouse, the more likely he/she is to steer the relationship towards divorce.
2 Do not cling:
Understandably, when your spouse wants out, you may want to try to cling to him/her to keep him/her from leaving you; but it is counterproductive; specifically, maybe you attempt to draw his/her attention, reinforce the connection, or evoke his/her compassion by begging, arguing, demanding, apologizing, pleading, crying out in pain, or even manipulating; maybe, now you feel like you have thousands of words to say to your spouse, so you frequently text/email him/her, and even you frequently ask an intermediary to take messages to him/her. Probably, you just feel the need to talk about a lot of issues to change his/her mind. For example, maybe you want to tell your spouse that you are sorry, that nobody could love him/her as you do, that you will change for him/her, that you will forgive him/her as long as he/she can come back…
In short, clinging behavior can not rekindle lost love deep within a departing spouse; on the contrary, it propels him/her away faster. Nobody who clings can be attractive to his/her partner. And what is worse, your clinging behavior only makes your spouse misunderstand that you will always be there for him/her regardless of what he/she does to you.
3 Don’t be controlling:
Nobody wants to be controlled in a love relationship. If you attempt to keep the relationship by dominating or dictating, you will also fail to salvage the relationship. Maybe, you also attempt to impose your opinion on your spouse in the heat of the moment; even you do not want to stop haranguing your spouse until he/she succumbs to your pressure, but you don’t realize this type of controlling behavior in time. In your spouse’s mind, the exhibition of your controlling behavior just demonstrates that you don’t treat him/her with utmost equality and respect.
So when your spouse wants out but you try to keep him, you do not have to tell him/her what he/she should feel about you. Just allow him/her to be, feel, and think even if you do not want it. Anyway, don’t get stuck in the negative mindset that will only backfire: if I don’t gain more control over my spouse, he/she will only pull further away.
For more tips on how to stop your controlling behavior in your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
Controlling behavior causes – How to stop being controlling in your marriage.
4 Don’t be impatient:
To save a marriage that is on the verge of divorce, patience and time can do much more than strength and passion. No matter how difficult the current situation is, take time with it and be patient with yourself. Specifically, start with issues that you can do something about, overcome obstacles separately, and make decisions one by one. At this critical point, there must be some relationship issues that seem overwhelming, and you should be more patient when dealing with them.
Probably your spouse is in a hurry to dissolve the marriage, but you should not keep pace with him/her. Just take charge of things at your own pace. Even though your spouse has been involved with someone else now, as long as you want to survive in this unhappy marriage, you should also give yourself enough time to lower the intensity of the negative emotions engendered by that illicit relationship. And if your spouse is not satisfied with the way you two ever lived your married life, you should also give your spouse enough time to let him/her realize that you are willing to make positive changes for him/her.
A lot of negative emotions (e.g. frustration, anger, anxiety) have an “urge to act”; if you can’t control your emotional changes effectively, you will grow increasingly impatient. And the more you act on impulse during the marital crisis, the fewer opportunities you have to repair the relationship.
5 Make a pause; don’t dwell on the current problems:
Understandably, once thoughts about your marriage trouble creep into your mind, probably you start to ruminate about them and analyze a variety of unhealthy relationship patterns endlessly; and then you are tempted to rehash conflict and blame your spouse for his/her wrongdoings, and you feel the need to repeatedly argue about certain critical issues…
And if you realize you have got stuck in the negative way of think like above, you should have the guts to pause. This seems backward, but it is not. When your spouse wants out, probably you start to feel like he/she suddenly becomes cold, distant, and emotionally unavailable; at this stage, probably he/she is unwilling to directly discuss with you about major relationship issues, and he/she is also not interested in listening to your complaints about what he/she has done wrong; so resist the urge to talk about your relationship problems if your spouse seems reluctant to talk about them, and you will only push him/her further away if he/she notices you giving your friends or family members a play-by-play of your recent fights/arguments.
As we all know, it is hard to see the forest for the trees; likewise, when dwelling on the current problems, probably you are losing a holistic view of the relationship; so don’t be anxious to confront your spouse with current relationship problems. In doing so, you are more likely to can gain clarity on what you truly want and need in your married life, and you can realize that some problems that you fought over are not so serious or important (then you can consider making some concession/compromise in some areas to ease tension with your spouse).
6 Don’t lose yourself:
When you are at risk of being left in a relationship, your basic sense of value tends to be threatened; and if you save the marriage at the cost of losing your basic principle of being yourself, you will also feel depleted as the relationship continues to flounder. So you should not abandon those basic things that define who you are. Making your marriage a priority and solving stubborn relationship problems does not mean that you have to cease to exist as an individual.
Furthermore, when your spouse wants out but you don’t, sometimes you inevitably have thoughts of escaping from the harsh reality of life. And maybe you want to comfort yourself and replace the lost joy temporarily by being addicted to something unhealthy (e.g. drugs, porn, gambling, smoking, and alcohol). But no matter how stressful the relationship status is, that does not help you get through the crisis. More importantly, you easily lose yourself and do grotesque things when you become an addict. And yet you particularly need to keep a cool head all the time during the marital crisis. By the way, you will also find that trying to get rid of your anxiety/fear/sorrow by a harmful/unhealthy addiction only makes it worse ultimately.
Remember, a marriage that is worth saving never requires a spouse to sacrifice himself/herself to retain love.
7 Don’t play the victim:
Maybe, the words like “How could you treat me this way?” can express how you are feeling; but actually, playing the victim is a loser strategy for gaining your spouse’s affection back. It is undeniable that making your spouse feel guilt may melt his/her heart; but even if you win him/her back in this way, he/she is still depressed and hates being in the marriage; and on the other hand, you do not also want your spouse to be miserable all the time when living with you. Therefore, in the long run, a victim mentality can be also a relationship killer.
So to save your marriage when your spouse wants out but you don’t, you should skip the “poor me” and opt for “proud me”.
The final word:
It is a long haul to heal a broken marriage. In addition to being careful of what not to do to prevent the further deterioration of the relationship, you should also be aware of what you need to do to improve the relationship. To turn your spouse around, he/she needs to see more positive sides of the marriage, and meanwhile, he/she needs to sense that you are determined to be a better version of yourself in the relationship.
If you need more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it will point out a series of things you should not do when your spouse wants out:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to stop divorce and save your marriage – 7 marriage saving tips.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
Don’t ignore these suspicious signs your spouse wants out.
How to avoid divorce after separation – Save the broken marriage.