In married life, a spouse’s critical side may rear its ugly head in the heat of the moment. Actually, most couples deal inefficiently with criticism in marriage; although criticism exists in healthy marriages. But constant criticism can be incredibly painful and toxic in a long-term relationship if unchecked.
First, it is necessary to be aware of how constant criticism damages a marriage.
Constant criticism can cause a series of negative effects on a long-term relationship, such as below:
- It chips away at a spouse’s self-esteem:
For a spouse who is always on the receiving end of criticism, those critical words cut deep. Over time, repeated criticism tends to shake the victim’s confidence and make him/her doubt his/her ability to do things right. And strong criticism can make a person question his/her worth and value, especially when it is from someone who is supposed to support him/her all the time.
- It erodes trust:
Constant criticism in marriage feels like a betrayal; it violates the implicit promise relies on the strong attachment bonds: “The person I love will care about my feelings and never intentionally hurt me”.
- It ruins intimacy:
Constant criticism greatly reduces the emotional intimacy between spouses. If couples can’t cope with it, over time the warm positive feelings they once shared will fade and be replaced by hostility and resentment.
Why do many couples behave as if constant criticism is ok?
The closer a couple is to each other, the more they see each other’s annoying weaknesses and flaws. Over time their patience tends to wear thin, and then their self-restraint weakens gradually; this explains why so many couples easily get annoyed with each other after years of marriage; for example, a person can put up with an absent-minded friend; but if the friend was his/her spouse, probably he/she would think that his/her spouse’s forgetfulness had hurt or inconvenienced him/her, and even he/she would be tempted to criticize his/her spouse for the absence of mind.
Usually, we can keep our negative reaction in check when we get along with our colleagues, acquaintances, and friends. After all, we don’t see those people every day, hence we think we do not have to pick on them as long as they do not go too far. With this mindset, our irritation is more likely to wear off, and their unpleasant behavior is less likely to affect us personally than our spouses’. But when it comes to constant criticism in marriage, we may not afford our spouses’ comparable respect and restraint. Even though sometimes we know deep down inside that our criticism will go a little too far, we may still criticize our spouses like usual.
If you are often criticized by your spouse, how should you deal with his/her criticism?
Understandably, you don’t want to live with a person who seems to criticize you at every turn. Probably, your spouse is not normally negative; and yet you always think that he/she is supposed to build you up, not to tear you down. Of course, criticism is no fun, but doesn’t your spouse kind of have a point? Criticism is hard to hear, regardless of who gives negative feedback. But when it comes from your spouse, you are more apt to feel personal; as a result, you may not react well and the situation tends to get worse.
And it is also quite natural for us to react more or less defensively even though your spouse’s criticism has some validity.
Anyway, you have to accept a fact – Your spouse’s criticism is inevitable in your married life.
Although you can’t avoid being criticized in your marriage, receiving criticism does not always have to be a traumatic experience that can lead to a fight or argument; instead, you can try to respond to criticism in a positive way that builds a stronger bond with your spouse.
Before talking about how to handle criticism productively, you need to pay attention to your negative reaction to your spouse’s criticism; probably now, your default to viewing him/her as a critic; so you just do not like to hear what he/she has to say to you, and you accuse him/her of being non-supportive and negative; therefore you exhibit the strong defensive reaction. And such defensive behavior can cause two major problems below:
- First, your defensive reaction will simply inflame tension. Probably, you have a strong sense that you two will get into an intense argument or fight if your spouse does not stop giving you negative feedback; then you scare him/her into not criticizing you again, otherwise, you will beat him/her to the punch…; but that can lead to a great loss of the sense of connection.
- Second, maybe criticizing you is not his/her original intention; or there may be a grain of truth in his/her criticism. But the way he/she expresses his/her opinion is poor and disgusting; so when he/she brings critical feedback, you easily ignore something that you should have learned from it.
Gain an in-depth understanding of your defensive reaction when you are being criticized by your spouse:
Deep down inside, we all want to convince our partners of something when profound differences start to surface; but many times, we fear to be criticized by our partners; and when our partners are trying to prove their point of view that is contrary to what we think, we often have an uneasy feeling. Why? Because we naturally think this makes us look dumb. However, according to the study on how people think in love relationships, the opposite is actually what happens. When a criticized partner listens to the other one and adopts some of his/her suggestions, the other one usually feels that his/her partner admires him/her more and thinks that his/her partner is smart.
So here is a simple tip on how to deal with your spouse’s fair criticism:
As explained above, next time your spouse criticizes you, first, try to cast aside the defensive thinking, and instead, focus on what you can agree with. Surely, it does not mean that you have to validate all of his/her opinion, what you need to do is to look for some parts that you can agree with, then tell him/her he is right about those parts. And to keep your marriage alive, you need to focus more energy on what you both want instead of areas you differ on.
In short, when your spouse makes fair criticism, you might try to compliment your man by agreeing with some of what he says; as long as you adhere to this way to handle your spouse’s criticism, his/her whole demeanor towards you will change sooner or later, and he/she is more willing to get close to you.
In the long-term relationship, holding up well under your spouse’s criticism is not an easy thing; but when you can do it well, your relationship improves.
If you admit that you are a critical spouse and you want to stop this pattern, here are some simple tips:
- Think twice before responding to your spouse (maybe, you used to react to what your spouse says without thinking about how to express yourself exactly); and try to speak slowly and gently. Don’t adopt the tone of a critical “parent”, making your spouse unconsciously regress into a worried, weak “child”.
- Be more lenient towards your spouse; probably you are strict with yourself, and you undertake self-criticism often; so in this intimate relationship, you also tend to look critically at your partner; and on the other hand, your spouse also secretly wants you to show more generosity towards him/her.
- Be realistic in the expectations for your spouse. Don’t attempt to change your spouse as you wish. Accept your spouse for who he/she is. In particular, don’t mind much about his/her harmless idiosyncrasies.
Do you have a hard time distinguishing between complaint and criticism?
Of course, stopping constant criticism in marriage does not mean we can’t voice a complaint constructively; but sometimes we just confuse the difference between them. To tell the difference, you need to pay attention to the language you are using. Criticism is often doled out in extreme statements like “You always…”, and ”You never…” In any relationship, healthy feedback should be about the behavior, not the person. And when we are speaking in absolutes, attacking our spouses’ character, or using harsh words during a conversation, it is difficult to let our spouses understand our original intention, hence it is very likely to be perceived as criticism.
The final word:
Nobody likes to be criticized. When our comments include demeaning or cursing labels, it easily makes the feedback pointless and kills any value that our messages have. No doubt, constant criticism is corrosive to the connection between spouses. Most of the time, we can try to tell our spouses how we feel and what we think without personally criticizing them.
If you need more tips on how to save the marriage when you are losing the connection but you still love your spouse, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 10+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to deal with contempt in marriage – Avoid contemptuous behavior.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.