When a man feels hurt, he knows well how to take care of himself than a woman. But as a husband, you can not expect your woman to be “man” enough. In married life, there are times when you hurt your wife intentionally or unintentionally; and it is also easy for you to feel alienated in the relationship when your depressed wife withdraws from you and even has an angry outburst at some point; in that situation, you need to learn to take better care of her; the right words, the right actions at the right time can bring strength, healing, and comfort.
So what should you do when your wife feels hurt? Here’re some tips:
(1) Acknowledge your wife’s feelings:
When you hurt your wife, don’t attempt to make a joke about the situation or ignore the situation. Maybe you do not like how your wife feels, but anyway, you should still respect her feelings and show empathy. At that time, she longs to feel accepted, understood and cared for by you. If you just disagree with her response, it is also ok because that’s not the key point. Well, the key point you need to figure out is to validate her hurt feelings in time.
It is very nice for her to hear the words like “Now I understand why that made you angry/upset.” This type of sympathetic statement can make her feel heard.
On the other hand, you need to avoid saying some phrases that are never helpful and even can make the conflict worse. The following are some examples:
- “No big deal” – when you hurt your wife because of something unimportant/thoughtless you say or do, that is a big deal to her although you may think she has thought otherwise and has overreacted.
- “What I do is right” – when you say this, it sounds like your behavior should be taken as patronizing; however your wife wants more understanding from you; at that point, she does not focus on solutions to problems or issues; whether what you do is right or not, the more you insist the opinion you have, the more tense the relationship will be; what is worse, if your wife also stands up for her opinion, she may also feel you are attempting to justify your hurtful behavior. Therefore, even if you strongly believe what you do is right, you do not have to be quick to defend yourself.
- “You don’t make sense”: you and your spouse may get a different take on an issue; even sometimes you just think your wife’s opinion makes no sense. But whether her concerns are valid or not, you should not say such a type of judgmental word to make her feel like you ignore them.
- “You are being irrational”: there are times when you have no clue how you hurt your wife, you just think her feelings are completely baffling; but if you blurt out this type of word, she will either debate with you or pull further away from you, anyway she will feel more upset because she thinks you would not like to listen to her and are not empathetic to her feelings.
Surely, if you say nothing at all or avoid any conversation, that will also not help resolve the conflict. Giving a silent treatment will also hurt her more. And understandably, maybe sometimes you feel you are still not mentally prepared to go on discussing something with your wife; before coming back to conversations about conflicting issues, you might ask for a timeout or a separate space to cool down.
By the way, at this point, you may feel that there are some communication barriers between you and your wife; if so, you might go on to read the posts below:
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
how to have effective communication in marriage.
(2) Don’t sweep things under the rug and put a good face on:
Understandably, sometimes you may choose to avoid further conflict, hoping to wait for things to gradually blow over; however, a lot of issues can not be avoided, especially as they become complicated and compelling; and the related research found that tackling those important issues head-on is generally the best course of action. Although both parties may feel uncomfortable about those sensitive issues, mopping up emotional messes can lead to a free and candid exchange of views no matter how controversial those issues are. And in the long run, this can benefit the marriage.
And try to see things from the point of view of your wife; many times, when she feels hurt by you, she may feel confused about what you say and do, and she may also badly want to better understand why you did those hurtful things, she wants you to voluntarily explain the exact reason, but she may not express the emotional needs directly, and she may just want you to initiate the conversation about this topic.
Understandably, you must also feel embarrassed to talk about the related relationship issues; but if she realizes that you attempt to pass those sensitive issues off rather than open up your heart, she will feel more upset and disappointed in the relationship, and this is bound to breed her resentment and disappointment towards you.
(3) Take responsibility:
When you do something that makes your wife feel hurt, whether intentionally or not, you should own up to things you do to her. Surely, you had better figure out how you hurt her on your own; this can reflect your sincerity; if you are not sure of what you did that was hurtful, you might ask other people who know your relationship problems, even you might directly ask her; anyway, let her know that you are willing to bear responsibility for your actions. This is important for healing the damaged relationship.
Here are some helpful phrases that you can say to your wife:
- “I have thought a lot about that; I am aware of my mistakes/faults;”
- “The way I did to you was wrong, please accept my apology;”
- “Now I can feel how much I have hurt you, sorry!”
In other words, your wife hates to hear the phrases that sound like you are still irresponsible, such as “I am sorry if you feel upset about what I say”, “You are right, I am wrong; ok?”, “If you feel hurt, I am sorry; ok?”, “Those things are so tiny, you are not supposed to feel upset/hurt?”, ”Everything is my fault, ok?” and “Anyway, I apologize out of pity;”
Remember, when you hurt your wife, don’t attempt to shift your responsibility to your wife or others. Just bravely take responsibility for relationship problems caused by your hurtful behavior. And when you admit your responsibility, don’t get defensive; this will only lead to the escalation of a relationship issue or an argument. As a mature man, you must hold yourself accountable for your results that affect people around you; remember, in any long-term relationship, a woman expects her man to admit what he has done as a man, regardless of the situation; so in this aspect, don’t let your wife down and don’t hurt her feelings again.
Explain, but don’t excuse:
Moreover, you can explain, but don’t excuse; don’t confuse an excuse and an explanation; for example, if you preface your apology with “I don’t want to make excuses, but…”, this is counter-productive and easily sends the wrong message to her – “I have a justified reason to hurt you”. Remember, regardless of any excuse, it is just about not taking responsibility, and it is a trick of covering up your mistakes and even deflecting the blame for your hurtful behavior onto someone or something else, surely it weakens an apology. Another example: when you apologize, “I should not have screamed/yelled at you, but I’m too stressed from work/family…” This apology will be easily interpreted as an excuse.
The more you find excuses, the more likely she is to feel you are not sincere; so how can you provide a rational explanation while you are acknowledging your wrongdoings? You might say something objective to emphasize your apology, for example, you might apologize, “Recently I have stayed under too much stress, but I know this should not be an excuse for losing my temper”; in this way, your wife can better understand the background under which you hurt her.
(4) Express how sorry you are:
Make sure to be sincere in your apology. A sincere apology requires more than a simple “sorry”. When your wife feels hurt by you, she desires you to own up to those exact things you did wrong, and she desires to see your actions that can reflect what you apologize for; therefore, you need to be patient – it can take time to show how sorry you are.
Although it is important to take action to ask for your wife’s forgiveness, you also need to keep in mind that she may not be mentally ready sometimes. So just focus on what you currently can do to make things better, whether she agrees to forgive you or not; if you have no idea what would help, you need to care more about her emotional needs; and it is also not bad to directly ask her what you should do to make her feel better;
Probably, you have also realized that apologies and promises are helpful for healing the relationship; but never make any insincere apologies and empty promises; otherwise, they will do more harm than good ultimately.
And here are some helpful phrase examples that you can use to apologize to your wife:
“There should not be any excuse for my wrongdoings…”
“I realized what I did was deadly wrong. ..”
“The way I spoke was wrong. I did not realize I hurt you so much…”
(5) Be flexible and open:
When your wife expresses dissatisfaction with something that you said or did, you may be tempted to get defensive. Understandably, facing stubborn conflict in your marriage can feel uncomfortable; but to move the relationship forward, the conflict needs to be resolved as soon as possible; and it can be helpful to learn to think about the current situation in a flexible mindset. Try to see the current situation from the perspective of your wife or an onlooker; and when you move a step toward understanding your wife more deeply, it can indicate to her that you are invested in addressing the issues.
It is fair to say that you can not have a happy marriage if you are not willing to adapt to your wife in your long married life. If both sides of a couple always have a fixed mindset about relationship issues, that will lead to great tension and extra conflict. By comparison, being flexible can bring more comfort, peace, and love. No doubt, being flexible should be your conscious decision because you will see more benefits.
Surely, how flexible you can be in a situation depends on how attached you are to a certain idea or belief, what fears you may feel about letting go of the idea or belief, and what kind of mood you are in. Maybe, you insist on the path of refusal or resistance to change because you equate being flexible with weakness or settling; don’t think of it that way. You can continue to remain steadfast in your beliefs and values, and what you need to change is just to be open to your wife’s wishes, expectations, and feelings; undoubtedly, in this way, your wife is more likely to feel admired and respected.
In short, being open and flexible can help you play a more proactive role in the relationship; and flexibility is a skill that you need to spend time practicing.
(6) Learn from the past:
Conflicting issues that always linger will be detrimental to a long-term relationship; to stop and prevent the similar issues from occurring over and over again, you need to draw experience from what had happened; specifically, you might try to remember things you ever did that upset your wife, and remember how you ever healed the relationship. By learning from the past, you can better understand your wife’s mind and characteristics, so you can have a better chance of steering the relationship in the right direction.
The final word:
A woman’s emotional world is much more complex than a man’s, especially when she feels hurt by her man. You need to work hard to better read her emotions and decipher what she secretly wants from you in times of her emotional collapse.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to read the page below:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to rekindle sexual intimacy when your wife becomes a roommate.