It is very natural for us to make mistakes/faults from time to time. In your married life, sometimes you are also wrong about your wife; those mistakes/faults can cause a rift in the relationship. Surely, it needs to be repaired in time.
Apologizing is always a simple and effective relationship skill that can effectively bring healing and peace; when your wife feels hurt, she wants you to own up to your wrongdoings/mistakes/faults and make them right seriously. But unfortunately, a lot of husbands do not know how to express a sincere apology properly to move the relationship forward.
If you also wonder how to seek your wife’s forgiveness, the following are some practical suggestions:
Your one-liners will only make things worse, and the examples below may make this point clear:
“I am sorry you feel this way”:
When you apologize to your wife: “I am sorry you feel this way”, the keyword is “you” – your wife feels offended by you, and this form of apology insinuates that you do not agree or own up to your offensive actions, you just express your sadness and empathy, and you do not express the acceptance of your responsibility, instead, you turn the responsibility right back to her; this type of apology just sounds like an apology, but in fact, it is just a passive-aggressive statement; therefore this should not be a part of your sincere apology.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you! ”:
This is another way of saying – “You are too sensitive, you should not have felt offended.”
“I was just kidding! Sorry!”:
Your joking may further offend your wife because this will only make her sense your insincerity. After she has felt offended by you, she wants you to take the issue seriously.
“I’m sorry, you took it this way”:
This statement is another way of saying, “I didn’t intend to offend you!” – Whether you really intended to do so or not, what you said does not matter so much. To repair the marriage, you need to focus on how she has felt instead of what you said/did; on the front end of your apology, she desires you to honor her and validate her inner feelings. Therefore, if you say, “I understand how you felt, please forgive me for what I said/did to you!”, she will feel better.
“I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you.”
This is another way of saying, “Although I said in an improper way, what I said was right.” or “What I said to you was true and you are supposed to hear my words, although my tone was not right.” Such a form of apology shows you care about her feelings, but probably this is also not good; probably your wife wants you to apologize for what you said/did; and when you apologize in this way, you don’t fully accept responsibility for all your actions.
Even though the way of your speaking (e.g. your body language, and tone) gets in the way of expressing your reasonable thoughts or opinion on an issue, your apology might also start with, “I’m so sorry I said/did ________”
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In short, if you realize your apologies lack personal responsibility, you need to change; and make sure not to shift blame;
Surely, many times, saying sorry is admitting you got some wrong, and you may treat it as a blow to your pride; even you may think apologizing to your wife is admitting yourself beaten by her, so you may be unwilling or feel reluctant. But ultimately you are on the same boat, and the win-or-lose mindset will only be toxic to a long-term relationship; whichever party wins a battle in a marriage, the relationship is going to deteriorate. In fact, apologizing and forgiving quickly should be viewed as a regular part of any healthy long-term relationship; especially along with the emergence of all kinds of critical issues (e.g. health issues, being self-employed, and parenthood), you need to actively invite forgiveness, healing, and peace into your marriage.
Once you truly understand the meaning of an apology, saying sorry gets easier:
If you found your wife recognized that she had made a mistake and she promised to do better next time, would it make you feel comfortable; and vice versa. A spouse always wants the other to treat him/her the way he/she wants to be treated;
You have to accept a fact: you are imperfect, and inevitably you make a mistake at some point. It is important for us to own up to those mistakes and take a lesson from them in time. This should be viewed as a part of your self-growth in your relationship – Grow from your mistakes and strive to be a better version of a husband.
When you accept the point of view above, you will no longer feel that saying sorry is a power struggle or a tough battle of pride. Again, as long as you desire to be more selfless and grow together with your wife during the long married life, many times you need to learn to put your strong pride aside.
You must also have the experience below:
Inevitably, in married life, you have a heated argument or fight with your wife; this always makes you feel awful. Sometimes after you realize you are deadly wrong, you choose to accept and admit your mistakes even though you feel more or less reluctant; then things quiet down quickly. But sometimes you are just too arrogant to say sorry for your controversial behavior (after all, when dealing with a certain relationship or marital issue, there can be no right or wrong, good or bad), later you find your wife’s resentment grows stronger and stronger; as a result, a lot of problems start to get magnified and things get messier.
As explained above, saying sorry does not necessarily mean that you are in the “wrong”; moreover, saying sorry is also a way to express your willingness to heal the relationship rift.
It is necessary to stress some points as follows:
- If you have a problem, admit you are wrong:
This is the most crucial step to receiving your wife’s forgiveness. Just admit you are wrong; never resort to sophistry, no amount of sophistry can justify your wrong behavior; instead, this trick will only make her revolt against you. And remember, the level of your sincerity can easily come across in your attitude and body language.
Many times, your apology can’t be sincere, genuine, and meaningful unless you fully accept and admit the fact that you have done something wrong. Furthermore, in your wife’s mind, she always expects you to be man enough to admit what you did to her and take responsibility for your actions, regardless of the situation.
- If she feels hurt, admit you have hurt her emotions:
In fact, sometimes you also feel hurt when she does something wrong or something unexpected. Likewise, whether intended or not, sometimes your behavior may have hurt her feelings; therefore, you need to respect and validate her feelings in time. And she desires to hear your apology like “Sorry, I should not have made you feel like I ________”.
- Let her feel you are sorry about what you did/said:
To make her know how sorry you are, your apology must be serious, sincere, and honest; so you had better not say anything that you try to understate the seriousness of a problem. In addition, if possible, you had better not use contrastive connectives like “but” and “however”; otherwise, this type of apology easily sounds like you are not genuinely sorry.
- Be specific in your apology:
When you are apologizing to your wife, you had better focus on one issue at a time; if you mix one apology with other apologies, it may be easily expressed in vague terms.
- Prefer to use “I” statements:
An effective way to cope with an argument/fight from escalating is to accuse less and explain more. To do that, you might use more “I” as opposed to “you”. The “You” statements are perceived as more aversive and are more likely to evoke strong antagonistic response inclinations than assertive “I” statements; for example, phrases like “You never’ or “You always” can easily put her on the defensive because saying those phrases sounds like a trick of assigning blame. In a word, by dipping into the first person, you can let her better know how sorry you feel about your actions and mistakes.
Don’t think the use of “I” statements is just a trick to reduce the accusatory tone; it also helps her better understand your real thoughts/opinions and oriented requests.
- Be more humble:
To be more humble, you may have a lot of things to do; For example, maybe, you have always felt ashamed/embarrassed to say sorry to her in front of her face; and yet when you do that way, she can realize that you become more humble than before. In short, try to swallow your pride and take a lower stance than you used to.
The final word:
In modern relationships, women feel hurt more often than men; a man should keep learning about how to gently care for his woman’s vulnerability; maybe, a heartful and verbal apology can be the beginning of recovering after a marital relationship has been broken.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping couples survive their difficult marriages:
Learn what to say to your wife – Make your wife obsess about you again…
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When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
How to save your marriage when your wife wants a divorce.