For a lot of couples who are suffering from marital crises, they think they have tried everything to make their marriages work, but actually, there are still a lot of things that they can do to save their marriages; and they just fall short of finding new possibilities for a life together due to discouraged feelings or a lack of imagination.
Likewise, when your marriage is on the brink of divorce and you think you have tried your best, your intuition may be telling yourself that your marriage is doomed, you may felt that you are too tired to go on to try hard, and even you may have despaired of the future with your spouse, but it might not turn out that way, and probably there is still hope for your marriage; probably it takes some time to change the rigid mindset about your marriage, and now you just don’t find an effective marriage-saving strategy, or you don’t know how to have your strategy in place on how to save the failing marriage.
And the following are 9 tips that may encourage you to try hard to get your marriage back on track:
1 Remind yourself of those parts of the marriage that are worth saving:
When you start to focus on a core of positivity about your marriage, it helps find the foundation for restoring the relationship. But unfortunately, when a marriage is on the brink of divorce, a couple tends to loath each other, allowing acrimonious feelings to distort their perceptions about the relationship status; and probably they are stuck in a negative pattern where they focus on each other’s weaknesses. So to hold a more objective view of your relationship at this critical stage, you should try to think more about the good parts of your spouse as well as your marriage.
By reminding yourself of those parts of your marriage that are still worth saving, you can feel the need to make more efforts to salvage the relationship.
2 Tell yourself this may just be a rough patch:
A marital crisis can cause a spouse to wildly shift between wanting to work it out and wanting to divorce, and the conflicting situation can persist for a period (maybe it is months or even years), but any long-lasting marriage is bound to go through some bad and difficult times; so if your relationship falls into a state of long periods of conflict and now you feel that your marriage has been on the brink of divorce, you might be more patient; if possible, just concentrate your efforts on dealing with current issues; and after the crisis dust settles, then carefully consider whether you should go on to stay in the marriage.
Remember, any marriage encounters a crisis at some point; and in most cases, divorce is not the option for getting through a crisis, it is just a way of evading a relationship issue.
For more tips on how to deal with a rough patch in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.
3 Focus on what you can change:
Right now, you must have a long list of things that you wish your spouse would change. But you also have to admit that you can not control your spouse’s mind; surely, it will be nice if your spouse would stop doing those things that upset you; but it is up to him/her; so to increase the chance of saving your marriage, you should focus on those things you can control; and meanwhile, try to avoid nurturing unnecessary grief – even though your spouse does not make positive changes, you do not have to let it irritate yourself. When you feel more relaxed and have better moods, you naturally have more energy to work hard on improving the relationship.
4 Be transparent and be responsible for what you do:
When your marriage is on the brink of divorce, probably your spouse stops trusting you; in this case, you need to be authentic, transparent, and willing to talk about your mistakes and faults in a constructive manner. Transparency and accountability play an important role in maintaining a marriage. Both involve self-reflection, trust, and personal qualities that require you to check your ego at the door.
And you need to be aware of the difference between honesty and transparency. Transparency means having no reservations about something. By contrast, a lot of spouses used to claim “honesty” with the omission of thoughts, feelings, and details that are potentially damaging the marital bond.
On the other hand, being transparent requires you to share honestly and openly on a deep emotional level, allowing for your vulnerability with the hope of getting intimacy back.
5 Think more about the “WE”:
The marital relationship can be saved when you and your spouse stop dwelling on your respective feelings and instead start to take the overall benefit of the entire relationship into account. When the two of you focus on the “WE”, your overriding concerns significantly transcend your selfish considerations; and as for a lot of relationship issues that do not matter but constantly trouble you two, one or both of you will soon realize that it does not make sense to get caught up in who is right and who is wrong.
By thinking more about the “WE”, you two can end a lot of unnecessary fights and arguments; reducing/avoiding unnecessary conflict is what truly empowers you two to reach out to each other; and hence you feel motivated to take more actions to keep the marriage going.
The “WE” means you are both on the home team; and each member can benefit only when the “WE” wins; for more tips on how to work together as a team in your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage
6 Notice negative events that happened outside your relationship:
In today’s stressful world, many times we are as busy as a bee. Especially after marriage, too many things can drain us of our time and energy until there is nothing left for ourselves, let alone our spouses.
When we feel drained of energy, we are not at our personal best, and even we may take our frustration about our personal life and work on other people around us, including our spouses. Therefore, when you are trying to save the marriage on the brink of divorce, don’t lose sight of certain negative events that have nothing to do with your marriage but make a severely negative influence on your relationship. And carefully think back about those circumstances that precipitate fights and arguments that you have with your spouse, probably you will notice some negative patterns that should not have had affected your relationship.
7 Break those toxic relationship patterns:
Toxic relationship patterns can contribute to marital unhappiness. But probably you still allow them to fly under your radar. For example, maybe you get defensive as soon as your spouse is critical, and you have got accustomed to responding to him/her in this way without thinking. In your marriage, there may be a lot of automatic responses like this when arguing with your spouse.
Especially when your marriage is on the brink of divorce, it is urgent to recognize those behavioral patterns that you often engage in that lead to frustration and anger in your marriage. When you make a difference in them, your spouse is happy about your change.
If you want to recognize more toxic relationship patterns in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
8 Stop playing the victim:
When your marriage reaches the point where you are drifting apart, probably you think that you are hurt or even cheated by your spouse; but anyway, don’t adopt the victim mindset as long as you want to survive in the failing marriage; otherwise, it will only silently destroy the relationship – the victim mindset tells you that the world is against you, nothing is your fault, and you are so powerless to change your life. So if you are suffering from a victim mentality, you need to move from a place of victimization to survival, and ultimately to thriving. By playing the victim, you harbor resentment and even animosity towards your spouse, thereby taking a toll on your emotional well-being.
Nobody likes to stay together with a person who often gossips, moans, complains, and criticizes in daily life. And here are some simple tips on how to stop playing the victim:
- Don’t compare yourself to other people in seemingly happy relationships.
- Accept your spouse for who he/she is; don’t dwell on your spouse’s flaws/mistakes/faults.
- Stop taking anything that your spouse does for you for granted.
- Be more compassionate towards your spouse.
- Examine what makes you resent your spouse; and if possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about it.
9 Honor and respect your spouse:
People always change with time. To make a marriage last a lifetime, couples not only need to adapt to a variety of major changes in married life but also need to learn to better understand, appreciate, and respect each other. Unfortunately, as time passes, a lot of couples take one another for granted, get tired and annoyed with each other, and no longer act as someone who always values the relationship. In their eyes, their spouses have a long list of bad habits and qualities that do not deserve respect and appreciation. And a spouse may consider pulling away when he/she thinks his/her basic emotional needs for respect and appreciation can not be met in the relationship.
Therefore, to win your spouse back when the marriage is on the brink of divorce, it is important to bring the sense of respect and appreciation for your spouse back; so try to accentuate your spouse’s positive qualities that you love the most, and let your spouse feel that you always appreciate and respect what he/she does for maintaining the marriage.
The final word:
No matter how serious the marital problem that troubles you is, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is going to end. And from another perspective, a marital crisis can also give way to relationship growth. Again, sometimes a spouse may reach the point of exhaustion and wanna give the long-term relationship up, but in most cases, that kind of situation is not beyond repair.
If you want more tips about how to put your relationship back on the path of full recovery, you might go on to watch the presentation below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Is your marriage worth saving – Is there hope for your marriage?
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to stop divorce and save your marriage – 7 marriage saving tips.