When a spouse says, “I want some time/space away.” the situation can become very distressing, disrupting, and disorienting; so it is normal for the other spouse to feel panicky and lost; but anyway, to salvage a marriage where a spouse wants out, the other spouse needs to avoid acting from a place of anxiety and fear.
If your spouse feels unhappy and wants to separate, here’re some tips on what you should not do:
(1) Don’t beg:
When your spouse tells you that he/she wants a separation, maybe your first reaction is to tearfully plead and beg for him/her not to leave. Sadly, the harder you try to pull him/her back to you, the more he/she wants to leave. By begging your spouse not to leave you, you are making yourself an unwanted presence in his/her life. All those moves that come out of desperation are highly unattractive and will only cause him/her to keep a distance from you and even feel resentment and disdain toward you.
Even though your spouse reluctantly agrees to stay in the marriage, neither of you can feel happy in the relationship; in particular, that will affect you personally. Your begging and pleading not only can’t significantly change his/her mind about the relationship but also lowers your self-worth and value; if you put yourself down, change your behavior to please your spouse, lower your standards to fit what he/she wants, and even sacrifice yourself for that his/her sake, the relationship will be struggling and it can hardly last long.
(2) Don’t act clingy and needy:
Understandably, you may fear that if your spouse separates from you, he/she will not come back to you. This fear in your heart can cause you to act clingy and needy. When your spouse wants to separate, do you have clingy, needy behavior below that keeps you in a state of constant rejection and false hope?
- You become too accommodating:
Out of insecurities, you become too nice and too available. You think being more accommodating and nice may make him/her appreciate and love you again, but actually, you don’t get what you hope for in return.
- You give much more than what you receive:
When you give too much in this broken relationship, you act out your apprehension and appear desperate for your spouse’s attention.
- You hound your spouse for affirmation:
Do you beg your spouse to talk more with you? Are you trying to spend more alone time with him/her? But such behavior is suffocating and smothering, causing him/her to pull back to protect his/her personal space.
- You discount your spouse’s dysfunctional behavior:
Your love for your spouse becomes self-destructive, irrational, and blind. You start to bond his/her dysfunctional behavior with your codependent, needy mindset; for example, you start to minimize and discount his/her non-communicating and quick temper, self-absorbed behavior, and deceitful behavior; and even when your spouse does something that hurts you, you deny your feelings, tolerating his/her bad behavior.
- You allow your spouse to overstep your boundaries:
Now you act like a doormat; you shut your eyes to the fact that he ignores you and does not respect you; what is worse, you not only allow your spouse to invade your personal boundaries but also still attempt to please him/her. As we all know, personal boundaries are set to protect marriage and prevent one party’s manipulation and exploitation; therefore, the more you allow your spouse to trample your personal boundaries, the more broken the relationship will be.
(3) Don’t vigorously complain:
When your spouse wants to separate, you should avoid unnecessary or frivolous complaints about him/her. Even if you can’t help complaining about something he/she does, make sure to express your complaint simply and briefly. Remember, don’t add anything that can sound like a disrespectful judgment; otherwise, it tends to be perceived as a criticism that is annoying and rarely persuasive.
Probably when you are complaining but do not feel heard and understood, you feel the need to talk on and on. But if you can’t resist the urge to gossip or mumble, the tension between you and your spouse will increase instantly; and that can lead to an intense bickering/argument.
Nobody likes to be criticized or scolded, but a complainer often does this to their spouses; probably, when your spouse wants to separate, you harbor anger, resentment, and grief toward him/her; and when you are complaining, you also view this as a time of opportunity to release your pent-up emotions; but if you do so, most likely your departing spouse will not empathize with you; on the contrary, probably he/she will think that you are so odious because you want to make a fuss over trifles. So even though you feel an urge to complain, it is important to stick to an issue at hand without taking it personally.
Furthermore, when you complain about something wrong your spouse does, pay attention to your tone – try to speak to him/her in a more peaceful tone; and don’t act like you are giving a lecture to your children. Moreover, your spouse is bored with you and has emotionally checked out the relationship; so it is normal for him/her to look impatient and refuse to accept your complaint. What you can do is to try to stay calm, and remind yourself that you don’t have to care too much about his/her response.
(4) Don’t be manipulated by your spouse:
Maybe when your spouse wants to separate, you start to realize that your spouse desires to do more things without being interfered with; probably, he/she has become very angry and he/she has threatened to do something drastic or bring about some penalties; and you fear that he/she will leave you soon if you can not let him/her have his/her own way. So you choose to give in to all his/her demands and even let him/her determine the path you follow.
Or maybe, you are longing to save the broken marriage, and you buy into the false idea that if you can go along with anything he/she wants, he/she will feel more satisfied in the relationship, and then he/she will reconsider the relationship. However, this will only be counterproductive. The manipulation through threats or anger can serve the purpose of paralyzing you into inaction so that he/she will have fewer difficulties quitting the relationship.
(5) Don’t force your spouse to be with you:
When your spouse wants to separate, never force him/her to stay in the relationship by resorting to indecent behavior, deception, or threats. As we all know, money stress can trap a lot of people into staying in an unhappy marriage when they want out; and a spouse may be forced to stay in a loveless marriage after the other spouse threatens to reveal some of his/her deep dark secrets… However, being forced to stay together is certainly a miserable feeling for a departing spouse.
Understandably, you want to save your marriage even though your spouse is unwilling; but any attempt to force him/her to stay with you will be proved to be counterproductive ultimately. From the point of view of your spouse, this action will make him/her feel that you are so selfish; in the long run, it will further widen the relationship rift because of your departing spouse’s growing resentment.
(6) Don’t play a blame game:
After your spouse tells you that he/she wants to separate, probably you are tempted to argue for who should be more responsible for the current state of the relationship; even you and your spouse may have been locked into a bitter but meaningless dispute about who is right and who is wrong.
When you get wrapped up in a blame game, you focus on what is wrong with your spouse and how he/she needs to change, you do not realize your responsibility for problems, and you underestimate your ability to improve the situation by changing yourself. Blaming your spouse causes defensiveness on his/her part, and he/she can either withdraw and stop communicating or defend himself/herself by fighting back. Either way, the two of you will end up feeling more distant, and you two will be more unwilling to bridge the gap.
To stop a blame game, you should initiatively accept and undertake your responsibility for what went wrong; and you might also ask yourself, “Why are my spouse’s characteristics or behavior so annoying to me?”, “What are my needs?”, ”Why am I so sad and frustrated once my spouse doesn’t fulfill my needs?”, “Does my spouse understand my needs?”, ”What have I done wrong?” “What can I do to approach the problem?”, “How to defuse the conflict?”…
Don’t let the victim mindset hold you back:
When your spouse wants to separate, do you think of yourself as a victim of your departing spouse? But the victim mindset is a typical mindset that you should not be responsible for anything that is happening or has already happened. This mindset will drive you to explain away your words and behavior that may have hurt your spouse. And when you play the victim and frequently blame your spouse for feeling hurt, he/she will feel more resentful towards you because you don’t want to admit your mistakes/guilt and you are just shifting your responsibility.
The final word:
It is difficult to pinpoint how many married couples go through a separation, but it is undeniable that the majority of separated couples end up filing for divorce. Therefore, separation is never a good option for maintaining a marriage, regardless of any marital problems; if possible, it should be avoided.
When your spouse wants to separate, there are a lot of things you can do to salvage the broken marriage. They are mainly about how to improve yourself, how to better understand your departing spouse’s mind, and how to rebuild the emotional connection.
For more tips on how to prevent separation and get your departing spouse to commit to you again, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to keep intimacy in your marriage – Improve marital intimacy.
What should you do when you are separated from your spouse?
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
9 basic tips on how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse.
How to fix the marriage when your spouse hurts your feelings.