In love relationships, passive-aggressive people are sullen, inefficient, and stubborn. They often have difficulties in taking responsibility for their behavior; they often resist their partners’ suggestions and are inclined to blame their partners for all kinds of mistakes. They would not like to communicate their inner feelings, and they just expect their partners to try to read their minds, but on the other hand, they are not inconsiderate. They often repress their negative feelings (e.g. anger, and resentment). They often feel misunderstood by their partners, and they are sensitive to criticism…
If your spouse behaves the way like the description above, you must have had a feeling that your spouse is hard to get along with, and even maybe you feel like you are being driven crazy by him/her.
If you wonder how to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse, here are 8 tips:
1 Approach your spouse with empathy and vulnerability:
A healthy marriage requires honesty, empathy, and vulnerability to a spouse’s pain. Surely, it is hard to get him/her to admit to his/her passive-aggression. However, you may try to have a constructive conversation that gradually leads him/her to expose his/her feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, worthlessness, loss of control, loss of self-esteem, and so on. In doing so, you can find a chance to speak truth to his/her abilities, talents, and good qualities, breathing life into those places where he/she feels less-than.
2 Don’t justify your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior:
Yes, to move a relationship forward, it is necessary to accept the present situation for what it is. But that does not mean you should make excuses for your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior, whether he/she behaves that way in front of you or someone else. Again, even though nobody sees his/her passive-aggression, you also do not have to train yourself to justify it inwardly; and if someone else observed his/her passive-aggressive behavior and tells it to you, you should not explain it away. Although your spouse hates being caught acting passive-aggressively, you should stand up for the people (including you) affected by his/her negative behavior.
And it is not bad to let your spouse know that you can not accept his/her passive-aggression; yes, this is very likely to provoke him into an argument, but this also gives you a proper chance to discuss his/her passive-aggressive pattern. You must be aware of one thing – if you always shy away from confronting your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior without addressing it, this bad pattern tends to play out against you again and again.
3 Set healthy boundaries:
Yes, it is sad to accept the fact that your partner has a passive-aggressive behavioral pattern and that he/she may not have your interest at heart from time to time. After you have already come to terms with the relationship dynamic, you may consider taking measures to set boundaries to keep yourself from being hurt by further passive-aggressive behavior of your spouse.
Depending on how passive-aggressive your spouse is towards you, you may have to be selective about what to share with him/her – it may not be safe to express some of your deep aspirations, feelings, and thoughts in his/her presence. You are the person who knows your spouse best, so you need to rely on your judgment going forward. Maybe things are not as bad as you think; when you soberly think it over, you may find that there are only some sensitive topics that should be off-limits to chatting on, and generally, it is also unnecessary to make a broad and significant change to your communication style.
Understandably, it is tough for you to do so; but when it comes to how to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse, protecting yourself by guarding your boundaries is a critical aspect.
4 Be assertive:
Be assertive when you are communicating with your passive-aggressive spouse, which means that you should stand up for your principles or opinion in a positive, respectful, and calm manner, without being either aggressive towards your spouse or passively accepting his/her “wrong” view. To do this, first, you should learn to be an active listener – attentively listen to your spouse’s opinion whether you sympathize with it or not; acknowledge his/her presence and validate his/her feelings, rather than attempt to find fault with his/her statements to accuse or blame him/her.
And another important point needs to be emphasized: keep giving him your understanding and showing your willingness to sort things out, sooner or later your spouse will realize that you are aiming to reach a win-win situation that benefits both sides. Moreover, you should be aware of a possible reason behind your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior – he/she chooses to avoid rather than confront a critical issue head-on. However, you should manage to get him/her to do the confronting; otherwise, it will enable your spouse to continue to be passive-aggressive to you. And the more you fear that your relationship can’t tolerate confrontation, the more likely you are accumulating future problems.
Anyway, when confronting your passive-aggressive spouse, remind yourself to be assertive without being aggressive: don’t come across as too accusatory or aggressive, this manner will only make him/her shut down. The right path is to focus on the expression of how you feel about the current relationship status; and when you are expressing your innermost feelings, it is advisable to make full use of “I” statements; these tricks may prompt your spouse to feel empathy, thereby enhancing communication between you.
5 Don’t take the bait:
You must know well that your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior is toxic, but you must have ever been poisoned by it imperceptibly at some point; and it is quite common that a passive-aggressive spouse deliberately attempts to annoy, irritate, or provoke the other spouse to get into a pointless argument.
Therefore, while you are responding to your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior, make sure not to engage in the drama that he/she is trying to create, and not to fan the flames of his/her emotions. Specifically, when you realize that your spouse purposely attempts to ignite a broad, endless, or meaningless argument, remind yourself that you only respond to the content of the present topic. And this is the key to responding to passive-aggressive behavior without engaging in it.
6 Address the incident at the moment:
When you start to complain about your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior, it should not be the first time he/she behaved this way towards you. And when your spouse acts passive-aggressively, probably you associate the current incidents with past incidents consciously or subconsciously. However, if you bring up past incidents when calling him/her out on his/her toxic behavior, probably it will add fuel to the fire – it can lead to your spouse’s emotional stimuli, eventually things tend to get more complicated and your spouse may become more aggressive towards you; instead, if you just focus on the present, you will have better odds of getting through to him/her. So, next time your spouse behaves in a passive-aggressive manner again and you immediately call him/her out on it, tell him/her how upset you are by what he/she is saying or doing, rather than bring up the past similar issues or make any allusion to the unpleasant past.
7 Be open to confrontation:
There may be one reason why your spouse becomes passive-aggressive: maybe he/she is afraid that expressing his/her emotional needs directly is very likely to lead to an intense confrontation. Therefore, you should go out of your way to let him/her understand that you would rather he/she speaks frankly and doesn’t beat about the bush anymore, and let him/her know that you feel upset when seeing him/her become more and more passive-aggressive. Anyway, when you have to have a confrontation with your passive-aggressive spouse, be respectful to him/her, even though the confrontation is not positive at all or things can not be handled successfully.
8 Make your spouse believe in himself/herself:
To save your spouse from a further slide into passive-aggressiveness, you should try to guide him/her to close the gap between silence and anger – either by breaking the silence or dissipating anger. So it is crucial to let your spouse know that expressing his/her emotional needs is a basic right for him/her and that you are willing to hear his/her perspectives regardless of whether you agree or disagree. Only if your spouse feels that you always respect diverse perspectives, he/she will not fear being swayed by your viewpoint or rejected for voicing what he/she secretly wants from you.
In short, when you make your spouse feel free and safe to express his/her innermost thoughts, he/she will become less passive-aggressive.
The final word:
Yes, passive-aggression is so common, and it can arise in all kinds of relationships. But don’t take it for granted, because it is always harmful to a relationship. Passive-aggressive behavior is a clear expression of your spouse’s negative feelings about you. It should be viewed as a sign that your spouse feels unhappy in the marriage; in a long-term relationship, passive-aggressiveness stems from insecurity and an avoidance of direct conflict. It is indeed a challenge to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse. However, as long as you can take the right approach, you can help your spouse overcome passive-aggressive patterns, thereby having a healthier and happier marital life.
Passive-aggressiveness can turn into a killer of a relationship if unchecked. If you feel that your passive-aggressive spouse wants to end the marriage but you want to save the marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What not to do when your spouse wants out – Save the marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
How to deal with contempt in marriage – Avoid contemptuous behavior.
What should you do when your marriage is on the rocks?
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
Don’t miss these subtle signs you are in a loveless marriage.