Emotional detachment can put a lot of strain on love relationships, and it is a big single factor in divorce. In many cases of divorce, those problematic couples say they just grow apart unconsciously; therefore, to keep a marriage alive, a couple needs to connect on a deep emotional level; however, emotional detachment usually silently and slowly creeps up on couples; it is not so easy to spot those emotional detachment symptoms if couples do not pay enough attention to them. Anyway, if a spouse feels somewhat detached from the other one, there may be other signs to look for:
The following are 7 common signs of emotional detachment in marriage:
1 Not being full present:
Surely, you two can’t give each other undivided attention every minute of the day. But when you and your spouse have agreed to update each other about your day or go to do something (e.g. going on a date, eating dinner, and watching a movie) together, you two should be present with each other. By being fully present, you show your spouse that you hear him/her and that you are there; and vice versa for your spouse. In doing so, it prevents some unexpected side effects of inattention that may foster emotional disconnection.
A spouse is apt to feel emotionally detached when his/her spouse forgets or misses certain things that are meaningful to him/her, especially those things that he/she has repeatedly mentioned and those things that are emotionally charged. And what is worse, when a spouse feels emotionally detached, he/she may think, “Since he/she disregards my needs, I will also disregard him/her; it is equal.”
When a spouse complains the other one is not present, the spouse means that he/she does not feel known, heard, seen, and engaged; and hence, he naturally feels invisible, unimportant, and lonely in the relationship.
Presence seems to be so simple, but in fact, it is sophisticated; in the general sense, a person’s presence is about giving attention, not being distracted, keeping his/her wits about him/her, being honest, a certain type of non-judgment attitude, a capacity to hear… No doubt, presence is closely associated with the deep feeling of intimacy.
2 A constant defense against relationship conflict:
When a spouse always shuts down or suddenly disengages from a heated argument, most likely he/she sweeps something under the rug, and the conflict remains unresolved and it just leaves the other one alone, confused and frustrated.
A spouse may stonewall the other one because he/she may feel overwhelmed or be afraid of his/her burst of anger; and sometimes, stonewalling can be thought of as a passive-aggressive way of striking back… Whatever the motivation is, such an act is unfair and coward; and it is a form of covert bullying.
In a love relationship, stonewalling only leaves the victim reeling with resentment and doubt (doubt of the connection with his/her spouse).
All married couples argue; of course, nobody likes to get into an argument or fight, but arguments and even fights are a normal part of marriage, couples just need to learn to deal with them productively; so if you get a vague sense that you and your spouse don’t get along well with each other and meanwhile one of you always attempts to avoid arguments, it is one of the telltale signs of emotional detachment in marriage, and don’t take it as normal.
Probably, in your mind, constantly avoiding arguing is not too much of a serious issue now; but if it is left unchecked, your relationship will die a slow death. Reports found couples who always avoid arguing are 35% more likely to divorce.
3 Physical togetherness is being corroded:
If a spouse realizes that he/she has spent more and more time on his/her own instead of with his/her spouse, probably it is one of the subtle signs of emotional detachment in marriage. Maybe, sometimes a spouse feels more comfortable doing something when he/she is in different rooms of the house, such as going to bed at separate times, doing different hobbies, and even eating foods alone. But if a spouse always keeps physical distance consciously, it can be perceived as an indicator of emotional abandonment, and one or both spouses tend to think, “He/she does not care whether I am with him/her”. Surely, every spouse needs some alone time, but too much is also trouble. So how much alone time is too much? Well, there is no standard right answer yet, and it just depends on your relationship.
4 Long periods of silence:
As we all know, long periods of silence can be a silent killer of relationships. Generally, while it is present in a marriage, a couple feels reluctant to talk and share; and in married life, there are many possible reasons for it. Maybe a spouse feels that the other one has already stopped listening, maybe a spouse is getting emotional support he/she needs from someone else outside of the marriage, maybe a couple has simply grown bored with each other and just doesn’t know how to address the stubborn relationship issue…
If a spouse always tries to disengage from conversations with the other or feels uncomfortable speaking for long periods, most likely he/she is hiding his/her emotions; maybe he/she feels resentful, isolated, or depressed; when a spouse feels comfortable withdrawing, this is also no picnic for the other one – as the victim who endures long periods of silence, he/she feels as if he/she is walking on eggshells when interacting with his/her silent spouse because he/she does not know when his/her spouse will explode.
5 Turning to other people to meet emotional needs:
If a spouse simply wants to find someone to talk or the marriage is going through a tough time, it is fine for the spouse to reach out to someone else to chat and vent. After all, a spouse can not be around the other one all the time; so besides the other spouse, it is normal for a spouse to have other people whom he/she can have a heart-to-heart talk with. But if a spouse realizes he/she always skips over his/her significant half and goes straight to someone else for meeting his/her emotional needs, he/she should be wary because it is probably a dangerous sign of emotional detachment in marriage. And regardless of what causes the spouse to do so, preferring to turn to other people for emotional support should not become a norm. In a healthy marriage, when a spouse gets into trouble in daily life, the first person he/she thinks of that he/she can lean on should be his/her spouse instead of other people outside the marriage.
6 Saying “No” frequently:
Of course, both spouses are entitled to their respective boundaries; and a spouse has the right to say “No” to the other one. But it should not become a knee-jerk habit. If a couple is always not willing to accommodate each other, they will only feel lonely within the relationship. Surely, a couple can not always be in the mood for something at the same time, which means many times two parties need to negotiate. But if a spouse regularly rebuffs the other one, the other one will feel emotionally detached and thereby stop actively reaching out to him/her.
Understandably, for a spouse who frequently says no to the other one, sometimes he/she does not intend to drive his/her spouse away (sometimes he/she is just freaking tired with something), but the other one will easily feel confused and annoyed during the process if the spouse does not explain clearly; and if a spouse often declines the other one’s request in this manner, the other one tends to assume that he/she is no longer attractive to his/her spouse. So generally, a spouse needs the other one to spell things out when his/her request is declined; nobody likes to be answered by only one negative word during a discussion.
7 Living like roommates:
Another sign of emotional detachment in marriage is the awkwardly bad sex. As we all know, sex between spouses should be oozing with waves of passion. However, as the attraction towards each other dwindles, so does the sexual passion. And a lot of spouses who experience a sexual dry spell feel emotionally detached from their spouses ultimately.
A sexless relationship only works when both sides have a low level of sexual desire; otherwise, a dead bedroom just increases a spouse’s resentment and hurt. A sexless marriage makes one or both spouses feel like they are losing something important, and it can be tied to love, validation, attractiveness, respect, trust, and so on. Over time, the sexlessness can seep into other areas of their married life through ongoing sadness, frustration, and emotional walls, accelerating the erosion of the emotional disconnection between spouses.
A sexless relationship can hardly survive long term if the couple does not take action to improve it in time. Unfortunately, this subtle sign of emotional detachment in marriage often flies under the radar undetected because a lot of spouses are already used to finding seemingly justified excuses for the bad sex life. By the way, if you wonder how to survive in a sexless marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
The final word:
Emotional connection is the lifeblood of a marriage. And when the connection works best within a relationship, it has broad positive effects on maintaining the relationship; but unfortunately, a lot of troubled couples miss a certain dimension of emotional connection; then the disconnection breeds disconnection over time – when some areas are missing, they eat away at the other areas. And likewise, as long as you commit to reconnecting with your spouse emotionally, the connection also tends to breed connection, and there will also be a multiplying effect – emotional connection can broaden and deepen, leading to more connection.
For more tips on how to improve emotional connection in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage?
If you need more tips on how to heal an emotionally disconnected marriage, you might also go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience working with problematic couples to repair and improve marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Should you divorce your spouse – Top reasons for divorce.
Don’t miss these subtle signs you are in a loveless marriage.
7 tips on how to get back emotional intimacy in marriage.
How to keep intimacy in your marriage – Improve marital intimacy.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
9 basic tips on how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse.