Your marriage bundles a variety of expectations from you and your spouses. Your married life can be viewed as an on-going process of setting expectations and then trying to meet them. Reasonable, realistic expectations are vital for keeping your marriage alive. But conflicting, unrealistic expectations can be toxic to the long-term relationship.
In your married life, there may be a misalignment between your expectations and reality:
Sometimes when you expect something to go in a certain way or expect something to happen in your marriage, finally it does not go in the way that you want, or finally, it just doesn’t happen. That can result in disappointment, anger, resentment, bitterness, and feelings of being hurt; and things will only go worse if you dwell on those negative feelings without reflecting on whether your expectations are realistic.
In your marriage, I bet you must have similar experiences like above. Maybe, you expect that your spouse can maintain high levels of energy and fitness so that he/she will always stay sexually active; but in reality, sometimes he/she needs to be busy with his/her job and family obligations, gradually his/her libido may decrease as he/she ages, or his/her body gradually gets flabby or fat; then you feel unsatisfied and unhappy, and start to complain about the deteriorating quality of your sex life. But while you set high expectations for your spouse, it is also very easy to lose sight of yourself – probably your body is also aging fast, and you are no longer so emotionally or sexually attractive for your spouse; surely, expectations in marriage can involve a wide range of things, such as sex, emotional stability, assignment of household chores, raising children, budgeting money and paying bills…
If you wonder how to have more realistic expectations in your marriage, you need to be aware of these things below:
1 Your spouse always has flaws:
You can’t have a marriage in which your spouse is perfect. Getting married means a lot of flaws of both spouses are carried into the long-term relationship. If you can not accept the fact that your spouse always has some annoying flaws, how can you convince yourself to be patient to work through his/her flaws one by one? So whenever your spouse fails to live up to your expectation, first you might remind yourself to be more patient – you should discuss with your spouse how to improve the situation and give him/her enough time to make corrections, rather than instantly complain to him/her.
Inevitably, you have not seen some flaws of your spouse before; and the longer you and your spouse live together, the more you see your spouse’s flaws come out. You can’t force your spouse to change for you, it is up to him/her; and on the other hand, what you can do is to try to be more accepting of your spouse.
To help you better acknowledge and accept your spouse, here are some tips:
1-1: Reevaluate the seriousness of your spouse’s flaws:
Actually, in the big picture, some flaws of your spouse that you get annoyed about are not a big deal. But you are apt to lose sight of that, as your frustration and resentment build up. And when your frustration and resentment are out of proportion to the importance of things, it is easy to make extravagant claims and expect too much of your spouse.
1-2: Acknowledge your own mistakes and flaws:
Maybe, you can think of a series of annoying qualities that your spouse has that you put up with all the time. But have you ever given serious thought to those annoying qualities you have that he/she puts up with? If you always see things through your own perspective without putting yourself in his/her shoes, your spouse will think that you are just a pain in the butt; in this situation, he/she will lack the willingness to satisfy your expectations of him/her; probably your spouse also badly wants you to moderate some of your challenging qualities, but he/she feels that you do not have the willingness to make positive changes for him/her.
1-3: Consider why particular flaws of your spouse irk you so much:
Sometimes, you may read too much into what your spouse does. So take a long hard look at those extra meanings that you add to your frustration about your spouse’s flaws. For example, when you tend towards anxiety, your spouse’s flaws may easily activate your anxiety; when you tend to feel unwanted or not uncared for (typically because of your unpleasant past relationships), then some of your spouse’s flaws may easily activate your bad feelings again; in such a situation, you need to try to disentangle those unnecessary meanings from your reaction to his/her annoying behavior.
2 Your spouse can not always read your mind correctly:
Probably, you and your spouse have been married for many years; and you have always assumed that your spouse can read your mind well. No doubt, your spouse must know you much better than other people; but certainly, there are still times when your spouse can not exactly understand your meaning; and if you don’t open up to him/her at that time, he/she has to try to guess what you are thinking or feeling.
Maybe, sometimes when your spouse was doing some small things for you, he/she ever complained that he/she could not exactly understand your meaning and intention; but you didn’t pay enough attention to it and you didn’t feel the need to enhance communication with your spouse; then when you expect him/her to do something more significant for you, he may let you down again because of a serious misinterpretation of your meaning and intention. Therefore, in many cases, when you sense that your spouse is a little confused over what you want from him/her, you might try to spell it out: especially when you are frustrated or resentful, you might sit down with your spouse, lay out your expectations, and discuss together.
Understandably, sometimes you feel reluctant to open up to your spouse about your deep, dark needs; in this case, you might give your spouse more hints to let him/her figure them out on his/her own.
3 You and your spouse can change over time:
As your relationship goes on, you and your spouse will change over time to varying degrees. For example, maybe you will change your values, interests, and priorities; and the same goes for your spouse. Therefore, when you realize a significant change in you or your spouse, you might need to shift some of your initial expectations regarding what you seek in the relationship.
Furthermore, you have to be aware that your spouse may not change as you hope he/she would; surely, you can try to ask your spouse to make some changes; even you can try to reward, bribe, or plead with him/her to change. But anyway, it is up to him/her to decide whether he/she should change.
Any long-term relationship has to face a series of expected and unexpected challenges of life changes; for your relationship to survive and thrive, ongoing communication and attention are required.
In a real sense, a long-lasting marriage means learning to live with the truth of broken promises and expectations.
4 Your spouse may not provide unconditional love:
If all the spouses have an overriding commitment to love, then couples will not want a divorce. Obviously, it is unrealistic. But maybe you still seek unconditional love in this relationship unwittingly; after all, this is a strong desire that had been grounded in your infancy and early childhood. However, it is reciprocity that holds the relationship together; it is not difficult to understand reciprocity in marriage – if a spouse does something nice for the other one, the other one would like to do something nice in return.
To a large degree, getting married means taking part in a reciprocal relationship. Of course, sometimes your spouse may provide unconditional love to you, but don’t assume that your spouse will always do so if you don’t reciprocate for what he/she has done for you.
Your expectations of unconditional love are one-sided and destructive to your relationship because you ignore your spouse’s desires and needs.
The final word:
Marital happiness is closely related to the fulfillment of expectations in marriage. And if your expectations are modest, your married life will exceed your expectations, then both you and your spouse will be more likely to feel happy. By contrast, if your expectations are unrealistic, you will feel disappointed, and the relationship will become unstable. Of course, having more realistic expectations does also not mean that you should lower your standards; it just means that you should try to look at what you can get from your relationship more objectively.
For more tips on how to mend your marriage and remain happily married, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your marriage lacks passion – Get the spark back.
Why you feel bored in your marriage – How to overcome boredom.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect with your spouse.
What a husband expects from his wife in marriage – A man’s needs.
What a wife needs in a marriage – Basic needs of a woman.
Susceptible signs there are problems in your marriage.
When your marriage is boring, how to handle the relationship?