Every marriage can get stuck in a boredom rut at some point; usually, boredom can creep into our marriages so silently that we do not know when it started and how it developed, and we may have no idea how to improve our relationships; and if you are also confused about how to overcome boredom in your marriage, you might go on reading.
First, gain an in-depth understanding of boredom in marriage:
In married life, boredom is often cited as a reason for relationship difficulties. This is because as a long-term relationship settles, the urge to know each other’s intimate details slows naturally. At the very beginning, knowing each other is a pleasurable and exciting thing for a couple; it is because each partner is, in essence, expanding his/her “self” to better fit his/her newfound romantic interest into his/her world as well as the couple world. But as the self-expansion decreases/ceases over time, the positive emotions (e.g. arousal and excitement) related to it decrease, giving way to boredom. Inevitably, as a couple deeply knows each other, they disappointedly find that there are so many stones that are left unturned on the journey of marriage, and they start to realize that their married life is not so desirable.
There is a layered psychological difference between “feeling bored with your spouse” and “feeling bored of your spouse”, don’t confuse them:
When you have excessive energy but have nowhere to direct the energy in your married life, you end up feeling negative emotions; if things go on like this, then you tend to feel bored with your spouse. This might mean that you two have already fallen into a pattern: although both you and your spouse are interested in doing something new and exciting, you have no motivation to explore it. This could be due to circumstances outside your control; for example, so cold was the weather that you and your spouse had to stay at home, but you and your spouse badly want to do some outdoor activities; in this situation, you couldn’t do what you want to do with your spouse, so you chose the usual option which means continuing to do the same mundane activities that you were used to, leading to the dulling of your married life.
However, feeling bored of your spouse might mean that your mind easily wanders from your spouse whenever you and he/she are together; for example, you may have caught yourself daydreaming about someone else who can be your potential partners, or you just feel like you are spending time alone even though your spouse is around you.
As explained above, “feeling bored with your spouse” and “feeling bored of your spouse” are two different meanings that represent different relationship issues.
Be clear about why you feel bored and where to attribute your feeling:
When we enter into a long-term relationship, we have one or both of the two goals: (1) Pursuing what is rewarding and pleasurable (known as an “approach motivation”). (2) Avoiding anything that might cause harm or be costly, like feeling isolated, lonely, or insecure (known as an “avoidance motivation”).
Likewise, you stay in the marriage because you believe that being with your spouse is exciting, which can bring positive emotions into your world, or because you no longer want to feel lonely anymore, believing that being with your spouse can reduce your negative feelings greatly.
In a fulfilling relationship, couples avoid negative feelings, and meanwhile, they also feel pleasure, which usually comes from overcoming challenges and seeking novelty together, which deepens the romantic bond. Most likely, when you feel bored in your marriage, you still feel secure and safe, and yet you have stopped doing those things that can bring more novelty, pleasure, and fun into your marriage. If you are also experiencing this situation, please read on.
Then, let’s discuss what to do when you feel bored in your marriage:
(1) Embrace a fuller life of your own outside your relationship:
Being in a long-term relationship does not mean that you have to spend every free moment with your partner. If you spend too much time with your spouse rather than spend quality time with him/her, you will easily feel bored. Why, it is because every moment with your spouse is unlikely to be like a honeymoon, and you will feel something is still missing after you spend too much time together; sooner or later you will also complain that the life should have been fuller and richer. Remember, your life after your marriage consists of two parts: the life in your marriage, and the life outside your marriage. And you need to find a balance between these two parts.
As explained above, sometimes when you feel bored in your marriage, maybe you are too focused on your married life to ignore the life outside the relationship.
Surely, getting married means you have to change your life, but it is always important to go on living your own life despite being in a long-term committed relationship.
The personal life outside your relationship can play a positive role in maintaining the health of your relationship. And even though you are a dedicated introvert, you still need to have some friends, interests, hobbies, and personal space after you get married. Marriage should not hinder the long-term, ongoing process of growing as an individual; this applies to every spouse.
Furthermore, making sure to spend time apart allows you two to do your own things; sometimes, keeping each other at a distance is also a way to make you two miss each other, especially after you two gain some new experiences that you both want to share.
(2) Keep yourself interested/interesting:
The world keeps spinning on; if you choose to stand still in your life, gradually you will grow bored.An effective way to prevent boredom in your marriage is to keep yourself interested/interesting. Everyone has the potential to be an interested/ interesting person. And the following are 3 practical tips:
- Learn something new every day:
Maybe, you have realized one thing: after you got married, you pay much less attention to new things than when you were single. When it comes to this issue, you may think that you are so busy with your married life that you don’t have enough time and energy to learn/try new things; but probably the true reason is that you take your marriage for granted and that you get more sluggish. For example, you can still take some time to read a new, useful book on a daily basis; another example, there are some up-to-date tricks that can save you a lot of unnecessary time and trouble in your daily life, and as long as you are willing to learn them, it does not take you much time.
- Ask good questions:
Like a lot of couples who have been married for years, maybe the words you two speak to each other become fewer and fewer. You may think you two have known each other very well and that you two no longer need to ask each other much. But it is wrong. The wall of silence between spouses can be easily misinterpreted as boredom, or it may contribute to boredom in marriage.
Surely, if you just talk much about yourself in front of your spouse, or if you ask him/her some idle questions, it is hard to keep a conversation going; instead, you might engage your spouse in a deep, meaningful conversation by asking him/her some thoughtful/interesting questions that are closely related to his/her recent life, such as his/her career strategy, his/her new hobbies, and his/her current relationship with one of his/her friends. After you actively and attentively listen to his/her answers, you might follow up with more necessary questions and thoughtful discussion. In doing so, the two of you can feel more connected during the conversation.
By the way, asking good questions does not mean prying. Your spouse may be sick of you prying into his/her private life.
- Bring more laughter into your marriage:
The laughter is the shortest distance between two people, especially in marriage. And the following are 3 simple tips on how to bring a dose of laughter into your daily life.
Laugh at yourself:
When your spouse is complaining about your flaws/mistakes, probably you have an impulse to prove yourself right. However, that may disgust your spouse; in this situation, you might react with a sense of humor and then admit your flaws/mistakes.
Turn your frustration into laugher:
When something does not go as planned, you might laugh about in it a hushed way. After all, that is more fun than arguing over whose fault it is.
Flirt with your spouse:
Flirting involves much laughter. You might think about the first time you met your spouse, and try to recreate the playful sense of flirtation. Sharing laughter increases intimacy. When you tease each other and exchange witty banter, the sense of connection between you and your spouse is reinforced; and more importantly, it causes you two to feel pleasure.
(3) Relinquish your unrealistic expectations:
It is normal for the butterflies to go away in marriage. Maybe, this feeling can take months or even years, but it will go away at some point. Why does it flutter away? If couples sustain such a strong feeling throughout their whole marriages, they will have difficulty in living a normal life.
Of course, you may occasionally get back the butterflies in your relationship, and yet they do not last long; from time to time, you may have a romantic dinner to feel the strong mutual desire again, but you should not expect every day to be romantic and beautiful; in real life, most of the time, you need to sit at home and eat simple meals with your spouse; but this should not be considered as a boring thing.
Partners should be responsible for each other’s happiness. We all have expectations about what we can get from our partners; however, when our partners always can’t give what we think we should get, the relationship is inclined to maintain the status quo. Over time, resentment and boredom emerges and settles in. On this issue, you need to reflect on whether you expect too much from your spouse, especially if you are sure that your spouse is hard-working.
(4) Rekindle sexual intimacy:
When you feel bored in your marriage, maybe you feel like you and your spouse only spend time as a family, not as a couple. The roommate phase of a long-term relationship is very common. After all, life after marriage gets busy, and couples are easily caught in this rhythm and become passive participants in their sex life.
To get out of this sexual rut, you need to infuse your marriage with more passion and freshness, even though your spouse is not interested;
For more tips on how to spice up your sex life, you might go on to read the posts below:
What causes a sexless marriage – Why does a marriage become sexless.
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
How to keep sex alive in your marriage – Common mistakes in bed.
The final word:
When dealing with boredom in your marriage, you do not have to feel too frustrated because boredom can be fixed; and probably reviving your marriage is also not as hard as you think.
When it comes to the spark in a long-term relationship, boredom sounds like a silent killer; but on the positive side, it is also an early, warning signal – it indicates that something is wrong with the marriage and you need to fix it.
For more marriage-saving tips on what to do when you feel bored in your marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – toxic relationship patterns.
Pay attention to these common but serious mistakes in marriage.
Don’t miss these subtle signs you are in a loveless marriage.
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
What to do when your husband is bored with you – Rekindle your marriage.
What to do when your marriage lacks passion – Get the spark back.